My name is Leatis, and I'm not famous, a scholar, or even a published writer (though my ambitious side refuses to let this fact remain as a, well, fact). I did go to school for literature and I have spent a fair amount of time and money expanding what I know through education. However, that doesn't matter does it? I do write constantly and I like to share what I do know with others; what I've personally learned a long the way. So, here is what I can share with you that I believe constitutes 'creative criticism'. Please take it as you will, I don't mean to offend.
Firstly, the immediate, as its happening, first person narrative is extremely distracting and often hops back and forth between happening in the present and a story being told. I feel like I'm being talked at with my eyes closed rather then experiencing or being told a story. As well, its just plain impossible to understand what exactly is happening when its unfolding in, seemingly, real time. Unfortunately, I don't feel like that works at all. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just offering my own thoughts.
When things are not unfolding in real-time, the narrative seems very focused on exposition rather then having the story being told through the actions of the characters and the world around them. I do like the effort you've put into your ideas, how passionate you clearly were about writing this. However, the pacing needs a little work. The information you've provided could easily be applied across several chapters, rather then being a info dump. But, like I said, the passion is there.
I hope I didn't come off offensive! You certainly have a lot of potential and a lot of imagination, which is nice. I certainly hope to see you more on this site, expanding your writing as you go.
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