You have great flow and an important message. Here are some corrections and suggestions. Keep writing.
1. They have no idea the pain "you're" in
2. Remember it happens to all of us
3. Lose the 2nd "Remember"
4. But our mental health has paid the price.
Also I don't think "that" and "twat" rhyme the way you hoped.
I like this. My husband and I are Veterans and my son-in-law has completed Iraq and Afghanistan tours. People need to hear more about what you can share.
Thank you. Your words shared both the pain of the soldier and the families that love them. It flowed nicely and connected with clarity. As a Veteran, and a mother with a son-in-law in the Armed Forces, the pain of the military life is all to clear. You described it beautifully.
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