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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/iwill
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52 Public Reviews Given
168 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Nice start to this story. It shows good potential for adventure and excitement. I know that you are new to the writing game (your dad sent me over here to peek in your port), and I think this shows promise.

I'll only offer you one bit of advice; do with it what you will. There is an adage in writing that says: "Show; don't tell." There is quite a bit of telling in this story, and not so much showing. This is something that all new writers struggle with at first, methinks. So to "show" you let the characters actions and dialog paint the scene rather than having a narrator "tell" the reader everything.

Let me give you some examples. And remember these are just used to illustrate, not to suggest you change your story.
You wrote:
Valerie had been so excited she couldn't eat or sleep. Here you tell us. You could let us learn, or infer, from her appearance, demeanor, or dialog that she was excited and couldn't sleep.
ex. Her father noticed the dark circles under her eyes in stark contrast to bright expectancy that shone from them. Valerie was up early this morning, surprising after their late night. As she stood on the prow watching the dolphins leap and cavort, her long black hair danced on the breeze in perfect emulation of the waves. She held a small book in her hand, and was tracing one finger over the feminine script penned on the cover: Our Adventure. As he approached, Valerie turned at the sound of his footfalls on the teak.

"Oh, father, isn't it wonderful?" she exclaimed.

"Yes, Valerie, it's wonderful." he answered. He brushed a wisp of hair from her forehead. "Did you get any sleep at all, my dear, or have you given that habit up along with your old life?"

"Pah! How can I sleep with so much about to change?"

I know this is much longer. I sort of got carried away. *Bigsmile* But what this does (I hope!) is paint a picture that allows the reader to discover what's going on. It asks questions : Why does she nave circles under eyes? Why was she up late? Why did she rise early? What's in the journal? What is the "adventure" that the journal title alludes to?

Then you can let the reader discover the answers through sharing the adventure with Valerie and her father.

This shows:
"I know I'm only 15 but papa you're not a young man anymore. Why, your birthday is coming up and if I remember rightly you'll be 43. Are you sure you're up to adventure?"
You don't tell us through narration, but through the dialog between the characters. Good.

This tells:
They brought along pigs, chickens, a milk cow, 4 sheep and a ram. The animals were in the aft or rear part of the hold and their family belongings were in the fore or front secured with various types of netting to insure things didn't bump around.
This is like an inventory and packing instructions. Show us through his checking off a list or commenting on how he had wished to bring more animals, but could only afford the fees for a certain weight of cargo or something. Describe the netting and how it holds. Maybe, if he's experienced, he checks the knots. Maybe, if he's inexperienced, he recalls how the one of the sailors explained the hold procedures to him as they loaded (could be a small flashback).

Anyway, I'm sure I've overstayed my welcome here. As I said, there is a good story building here. Keep writing!
2
2
Review of Partners  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed it. NIce little "bad guys can't be trusted" story. One little issue. I think (but could be wrong) that a .45 to the head would cause quite a spray of blood and gore. Maybe brain bits on the wall, or an eyeball hanging from the chandelier? Just a thought.
3
3
Review of Bonnie and Clyde?  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I liked the premise, E. Good yarn. Your dialog was mostly excellent. The characters were speaking with a nice back and forth flow, and it was (moslty) very natural. I didn't like the "What, where, huh" thing. That seemed forced and unnatural to me.

The ending was kind of abrupt. I like that he was dead, but it seemed like we just hit a brick wall. I don't know what I would do to fix it, but I think it was just too...abrupt is the only work I can think of.

Keep it up!
4
4
Review of For Worse  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow, that was good. A nice job of conveying the bride's emotions.

I have a couple of thoughts.
- I don't think you need to use an elipsis at the end of the first paragraph.
-She felt empty, and on this day, what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
You don't want the word "what" here. It makes it sound like a question. You could replace it with "which" or "a day which". Or play around with re-ordering the sentence.
-the pastor was spiritually preparing himself
This sounds wrong to my ear. How about "...the pastor was preparing himself spiritually..."?
-She pretended she was dreaming, and when she took the tissue away, she would awake to a plate of eggs and sausage on the table in front of her.
This would only happen if she sleeps at the breakfast table!
- “But you’re a grown man,” she said.
This should probably be a continuation of the previous paragraph and not a new paragraph. It's still the bride talking.

The second last paragraph has soem great imagery in it. I loved the "violent" church bells.

For a title, what about something about crying? Like:
"He Never Cried" or
"When Will He Cry?" or playing off the last line
"Then He Will Cry"
I don't know, just sptiballing here.

Nice job, overall. Thanks for letting me read this.
5
5
Review of An Ordinary Day  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice one, Sir Creepy. I like how you totally set the mood as a calm, serene, not-out-of-the-ordinary day, and built on that for half the story before dropping the axe, so to speak. Although, when he read the headline, I knew where we were headed. Is there a way you could keep the reader in the dark a bit longer in order to get a bigger punch at the end?

You've defintely been growing within the Horror genre since you've been writing flash.

...and tilt of her upturned nose...
How does one tilt one's nose?

I think you want to hyphenate cross town bus

You forgot was in "his face was thin"
6
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Review of Starship Sentry  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice job! I was about two thirds through before I saw what was coming. You have a nice style of writing that flows very well. You maintined a good pace - no slow spots - throughout.

You started to give away the end with Canis Majoris, but it was not blatant.

The dead giveaway was the East Fourth and Cherry Lane. that immediatley takes the reader out of "space" and back to Earth. If you want to keep the suspense until the end - and them give the reader a whammy punch - don't drop so many hints.

I still enjoyed this story very much.

Keep up the good work!

Don
7
7
Review of Mirrored Passion  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice job. It's an interesting twist. I was disappointed only in that I knew it was his reflection by the description under the title. It took a little of the fun out of it for me. I struggle with this sometimes myself. I prefer not to give away my story in an attempt to get readers. But that's just me *Smile*

Just like Pyramus and Thisbe, they had to meet in secret, and even then they couldn’t touch or even caress each other.
This is a nice reference, but it comes off a bit affected. I think you could re-word it - keeping the Pyramus and THisbe reference - in a way that would flow more naturally, and seem less like you were trying to impress your readership with your knowledge. I hope that didn't come across offensively, I didn't mean it to!

Keep up the great work!

Don
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Review of Becoming a Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A nice humorous piece. You clearly have a good sense of comedic timing, and how to use pace changes to "bump" the reader into a laugh. For example:

When our six year old began misbehaving at school, I instructed my wife to utilize this essential tool of child rearing. Just tell him "WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!!!" I calmly explained. Her response was less than encouraging.

"Why?"

That short, flat "why" is just right for a laugh.

You are also adept with sarcasm, irony, and direction changes - all of which cause the reader to smile or laugh. I really enjoyed the self-deprecating punch at the end calling back grandpa.

On another note: I enjoyed this because it reminded my of me. My father was a stern disciplnarian, and I heard the "dreded words" from my mohter. And I too fail to strike fear into the hearts of my children. Ah, well, there's always grandpa...
9
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Review of Crazy Abe  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great story! I enjoyed how you built it up from that first paragraph, and then repeated it later in the story. Nice little bit of twistedness you have here.

Incorporating the song into the story was a nice touch, but you did it in a way that allowed the reader to slowly build up a picture of who and what this guy was. Not really until the end do we fully inderstand (or as fully as we can) what is happening in his head.

Nice work!

Don
10
10
Review of Sally  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nice piece. In a short succinct package of words you conveyed emotion, and develpoed character. You were able to make the reader care enough about this woman to feel relief for her new-found freedom. The second to last sentence was very nice.

Keep up the good work!

Don
11
11
Review of The Season  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh no! Ernie, you're killing off the Easter Bunny?! Why not just tell me garroted Santa Claus or disemboweled the Tooth Fairy or snared the Flatulating Purple Monster under my bed with a bear trap?

I've got to go pick up the shattered pieces of my childhood now. (By hand: my Dustbuster is broken.). I hope you're happy.
12
12
Review of Home  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I can sense the emotion you are trying to convey, and you almost do it. The challenge seems to be thatyou are a non-native English speaker as your prose bounces around a bit.

You tend to change tense from sentence to sentence. I was never quite clear whether you were actually at home, or just thinking about home. One minute you are picking up books and sipping coffee, the next you seem to be reminiscing about your childhood. There are a few sentences which are extremely convoluted, and almost indecipherable, such as:

Certain music playing in the background, certain books, those familiar books read long time back, the feel of it these and the old musty smell of the olden golden books of bygone era induces such feelings of familiarity.

I mention these things because you seemed to really want to know. I'm sure that others did not want to hurt your feelings (nor do I), which may be why you did not receive any reviews.

I like what you are trying to create, and I admire your trying to create in a language that you have less experience with. Please keep working on it. I think over time you will become a very good writer of English.

Thanks for sharing,

Don
13
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Review of Ode to My Toad  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I don't usually rate and review poetry as it's really not my strong suit. But who could resist something titled "Ode to My Toad"?

The poem was nice. I think some of the lines were forced in order for you to get the rhyme, specifically the last line. There is no indication anywhere else in the poem that you would have any dread about keeping Ted, so it was sort of incongruous.

It was a cute poem, though. I think I want a pet toad now...

Don
14
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Review of ORLY?  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very funny! This needs a bit of work with pacing and wording (a bit wordy in spots), but if you tighten it up, I think you can make it even better. You have a knack for comedic phrasing. I especially liked:

-...as cowardly and unconfident as the French.
-Breathing heavily into his lunchbag...(I liked this because of where it entered into the story - as an unexpected event. Good comedy happens when something unexpected happens.)
-Six Degrees of Estelle Getty
-...chainwaxing through all sixty four colors (I loved chainwaxing)


Some stuff (like Polly-Ester, or breaking a Ming vase - which I beleieve woud be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars) was a bit too much, but really a nice job overall. I loved the end as well.

If you sit down with someone who can help you edit this, I think it's a sellable story.

Don
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Review of Never Leave Me  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice story. I linked here from the newsletter you wrote about flashbacks. I think you did just what you said should be done to make an effective flashback. No problems there.

There were a couple of typos, and I got lost for a second on this sentence:

Jake broke from the trees around the clearing, hobbling in his boots to the chest with the gold.

It sounds like his boots go to his chest. Of course, when I re-read it, it made sense. Maybe I'm just a little slow.

I also wondered why the "bad guys" would kidnap Roger's daughter if they had already tried with his wife without getting their ransom. Would they dig again at the same dry well?

Good job overall. I enjoyed the read. Thanks.

Don
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Review of Break Down  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You are so creepy! I love it! I've read this story and Tin Box so far. I have a few suggestions on this one, if I may?

The gas station was one of those all-in-one, pump-and-rest stops strategically located every forty or fifty miles along desolate stretches of highway - the kind of place where the main building serves as garage/restaurant/convenience store, offering every amenity to passing travellers. The kind of place where one could purchase gas, an order of burger and fries to go, and even cold beer and live bait from the same giant cooler in the back of the crowded store.
- You're setting the scene here, I realize, but these sentences are a bit clunky. They sdon't flow well, and I had to re-read in oreder to get the full idea.

On my way north to spend the holidays with my mother, I hadn’t pulled off the highway on this late and chilly Christmas Eve afternoon for any of those things.
- same thing here. Maybe break this into 2 sentences or change the order like "I hadn't pulled off the higway, which was taking me north to my mother's house on this chilly Cristmas Eve, for any of those things. I know that's kind of clunky too, but play around with it.

They abruptly stopped when they landed on the front page of The Times, the newspaper I had worked for in the city, piled high by the register.
-A couple of things here: First I thought "They" was referring to the colored lights, not the eyes, until I re-read. Second, this sentence reads that the front page of the Times was piled high by the register. Third, I think you can remove "the newspape I had worked for..." as you mention it again (more efectively) two paragraphs below.

And how would I carry on, I wondered, without my job?
-This seems out of place and unnecessary here. When we learn that she is the killer, this is not the reason for it. Keep the focus of her anger on the incident from her past.{c}

“That poor *******… pardon my French, but that’s some bad way to go, man,” he said with a continuous shake of his balding head. “Shot right in the chest, wasn’t he?”
-I particularly like this bit of dialog very real.{c}

“God****** pick-ups,” I muttered...
-Too much forshadowing. Right here I deduced who the killer was.{c}

And white smoke was pouring from under the hood of my sage-green ‘92 Toyota Tercel.
-I don't know why, but the "sage-green" part of this feels out of place. Too much exposition, maybe?{c}

He laughed as he beat me with his fists, held a hunting knife to my throat,
-How many hands does he have? :) {c}

I was still smiling as I walked around the front of the truck to the passenger side, opened the door, and pulled myself up into the cab. Heat blasted my face as I closed the door and leaned back against the seat.
-Nice imagery. I felt the heat hit my face too.{c}

Just like the others.
-We get it. We know she killed the others. Don't talk down to your readers.{c}

After all of that, let me again say that I really enjoyed this story. I think you are good at this. These little suggestions just sort of help with the flow - in my opinion.

Keep writing!

Don
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Review of Long Odds  Open in new Window.
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice! You are oviously a fan of the writing of Douglas Adams. I quite enjoyed your story so far (I'm assuming it will continue past the Kimodo Custard). The only real issue I have (other than the minor ones below) was that it is a bit too much like Douglas Adams. Anyway, read on for the minor repair work if you like.

I believe that in the following:
"...where the Porcelain Eminence ensconced on the grass..."
ensconced needs to be either preceded by "was" or followed by "itself." I could be wrong on this, but you might want to double check.

" Ronald decided he absolutely refused to be discouraged from his usual routine"
should read: Ronald decided he would absolutely refuse to be... or Ronald absolutley refused to be...

"...his friend Hidden who came..." offset Hidden with commas

"With a clack like a duck trapped between two colliding billiard balls..." beautiful!

"Ronald’s coffee started to burble feebly and dark swirls almost very close to nearly not in any way resembling coffee began to appear in the cup." oh, so Douglas Adams *Smile*

“The Squirrel”’s full-time and sole occupation was to (or claim to) design and sell mechanisms" might read better as "The Squirrel's full-time and sole occupation was to design (or claim to design) and sell mechanisms..."

"It was a half-eaten box of cornflakes. English, though, can be a terribly difficult language to understand, particularly with adjectives being vague about what nouns they apply to all over the place. This box of cornflakes was indeed half-eaten. However, the cornflakes were undiminished....it was the box that was half-eaten." is a bit confusing. Try: "It was a half-eaten box of cornflakes. To clarify, as English can be a terribly...This box of cornflakes was indeed half-eaten, however, the cornflakes..."

" For example, we cannot directly prove that the Earth is not in the shape of a honey cruller." laughed out loud at that one!

“Chaos Theory happened, I except.” expect?


Keep up the good work! You are very funny. See if you can use your sense of humor with your own voice. Perhaps in a way remeniscent of Adams, but not an imitation of him.

Thanks for writing.

Don
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Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Bravo! I was so engrossed in this story. The characters are great. I want more, though. The ending seemed abrupt and somewhat contrived - like you just wanted to be done with it. I think this should, at the very least, be a much longer story, if not a novel. Let's follow these characters on their journey, live their adventures, watch their relationships develop. Let's find out more about these four disparate backgrouds.

I don't know what the "Do Your Shorts Have Legs" contenst was, and perhaps that is why you ended as you did, but you really should do your readers the great honor of waching this story play out. Honestly, I really loved this - as a beginning. You've left me hungering for more.

Keep writing! Please!

Don
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19
Review by iwill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice beginning. There are a couple of typos and missing comas, but nothing big.

Where to go from here? First, I guess we need to know if the stroy is about wolves or the abandoned man cub. I would assume the latter.

Then, it's really wide open, isn't it? Will he be saved to grow up and save the world? Will he become hateful and be the nemesis of another, yet to be introduced, character? Maybe he is the stuff of legend or a prophecy. Just remember Tarzan has been done already, so go somewhere else.

Maybe it could go way off and have some freak accident (lightning, radiation?) fuse the man cub and wolf cub into some "new breed" of superbeing. I'm just spitballing here, but hte point is let your inagination run. Sit down at your keyboard and just start typing. See what comes out. You might be surprised.

Good luck {:)}
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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/iwill