It has a meter and a rhythm that build to a finale. I really like it. I would have been a different man had someone ever said this to me. I am given to flights of fancy, but these words move me to flights of spirit and salvation. Who ever this is for is a very lucky person. Do not hesitate to give it. This will win a heart in a special way. It may expose you more than you like, but it will never allow the one to whom it goes to turn from you.
I am not big on looking for grammar and such, just so you know. I found it to be a compelling, well-told story. I have been paying particular attention to flow of the writing lately and I found I didn't get stuck anywhere or experience any dry spots. the whole meter flowed well. Really nice story. Thanks
What a nice story. You are a good writer. Your characters were very real in a fantasy way, and your story was very nice. In fact, I think you need another half point.Good job. I think it is saleable.
Jeff Darling
You did pretty well after the first three verses, and I get that it was hard to work around the keywords. If you rework the first part to match the second, it could be pretty good, at least a 3.5. Like how a skull gloats, and who the others were that would run? I liked it after the first part, but the rules tell me I have to be honest. ...Jeff
I have to admit, when I saw the opening, I thought youhad no setup and that just blating things out there was awful. I am glad I stayed with it. I don't think the intro is literature, but you definitely tell a hell of a story. You had me with you the whole time. your character was somewhat real, I cared about him more than I would have thought. You need a little smoothing out of your intro though, but, good story.
Very nice. I heard your pain in this, I you miss someone. I would have liked to hear an association with something deeper. I could definitely hear you looking for the trn of phrase that would bring it out. I like the poem. I am close to loving it. make me.
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