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112 Public Reviews Given
128 Total Reviews Given
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26
26
Review of Lost Love Found  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I like the effort you put into your writing. Overall, it is technically correct. You have few grammatical errors. (I would have added a few commas in some places, maybe after the introductory clauses of your first two sentences.) What's left to criticize (constructively)? Style. I recommend you go back through your piece and try to eliminate 50% of your prepositional phrases. No doubt, some are needed, but many only take the shine off vibrant writing.

Merry Christmas!

The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.0)
Oh, how you almost had me weeping with the memories of my sons who I never wanted to grow up. That was until the last line, the cliché, like the startling sound of dropped dishes hitting the floor in the middle of a romantic dinner. "Like sands through the hourglass so are the Days of Our Lives" I can still hear my mother watching that soap opera so many years ago.

You get it. Change it.

The Jackster


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review of SHE  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmmmm..... Regardless of the quibbles I might have before you lost her, I found myself wishing I had found someone like that, regretting that I was fooled by an imposter who entered my heart. Whether it was my love blindness or her vile deceit that granted her entry, she ripped apart my inner sanctum. Time heals, scars fade, but trust in another is always guarded, never so freely granted as you describe. Oh, I wish.

Anyway, you tugged on my heartstrings, but then when you lost her, you lost track of some of your verb tenses, and your prose started clanging in my ears with cliché. Let's not mix galaxies with lost limbs in the next sentence. The two are not on the same plane.

Be good,

Jack


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of Death of an Actor  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

This is a refreshing piece of writing. You captured me with genuine feelings of ambition, attempt, failure, and rebirth. It makes me pull for you.

Overall, you write well. Nevertheless, I would consider a few things:

1) Too many ";" sentences.
2) Try a different word for the "perchance" in the second usage. Great word for one use.
3) I would try using a present tense perspective in your ending.
4) Your first three paragraphs are first person, singular. Then, in your fourth, you jump to a plural....another person yet to be introduced, your sister. A little confusing. Maybe introduce her earlier?

Anyway, nits. Good job!

David Burke (Jack Stone)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review of The Package  
Review by David Burke
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello,

I like the premise, the story, and the twist at the end. I think the only thing you need to consider are the details, the polish. Consider the following:

1) The first sentence seems awkward, too complicated for a beginning. Why do we need to know about a long week, the name of your boss, or your fight through rush hour? These are all reasons why you are coming home tired and cranky, but I felt like I had to focus on those details rather than the emotional state you were in. So, why not say something like, "I finally ended the week, tired and cranky, after a fight with my boss and an hour in traffic. The only thing between me and a glass of wine to relax was a brown paper package I found on my doorstep."

2) Some of your transitions from place to place in your story could be more fluid. For example, you start two paragraphs with "I opened the fridge..." and "I moved to the table..." then later "I opened the cover...," another paragraph start.

3) Your choice of words in your last paragraph might be better. Consider, "I stormed out of the room, but couldn't help noticing my reflection in the hallway mirror. My heart sank as vanity revealed itself. I walked back into the kitchen, picked up the book, sat down and began to read."

I am sure you will find other improvements in word choice as you edit. I used to have a philosophical debate at work about what made a piece of furniture, basically the old form or function debate. Is it the rough sawn lumber put together without finish or was it the finish we most value?

Happy writing,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I like the article, poignant. Your emotion is credible. There is only one thing I ask you to consider. The first two paragraphs seem somewhat awkward. For example, as a reader, and at this point in your narrative, I have no idea what a push is, why you lost your job, or why it would be hard for you to get out of bed. You might want to introduce your consternation first. The job loss and lethargy are consequences. And, why wouldn't they be? That's the rest of the story you write, and do so very well.

I hope you have some other outlet that brings you more satisfaction than teaching.

Regards,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review of Battlefield  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

Really nice. You do well with the repetition, the imagery, and the rhyme. The progression of the "story" also works well. Finally, the content matches what we know without being syrup. We know war is hell, that they rage, that souls are tortured. You used all these "worn out" terms in a refreshing way.

Good job,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for your piece. I took something away from it that I will consider. If you are truly an English professor, you can take some satisfaction that you caused a reader to consider the meaning of a poem. If you are a charlatan, then you can laugh.

I'll assume you are the former. Well done. It only goes to prove that writing without context may be lost on the ignorant. I'm reminded of Thomas Foster's "How to Read Literature Like a Professor." Basically he said that we have to consider that all writing is the sum total of the author's experience. So, we have to try to understand the author and the imagery.

Given that I still fall in the category of those who need help with such context, I can speak with authority that you did a wonderful job helping me appreciate words that I would have otherwise quickly read and dismissed. Bravo!

Thank you,

David Burke


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Much better.

Regards,

David
35
35
Review of A Life Unlived  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very well written and engaging. Here are a few things you might consider. There were some places where the words you chose, while ok by definition, seemed to clash with the others in the piece. For example, you reference a walk-way, a merry-go-round, monkey bars, a ship, all simple things that evoke pleasing thoughts. Then, you use the word "apparatuses." This word has a technical feel that is out of place with the rest of the piece. You used "a large structure," another descriptor that seems too technical. Why not delete them? The next thing to consider is your sentence about man coinciding with nature. I like the idea, and my mind was wondering a spit second before I read what you would say, but a couple of your things seemed odd. I get the smell of the grill and the diesel exhaust wafting on the air as examples of man's intrusion, but the smell of rotting leaves and wet dirt bring no sense of man to me. They seem natural whether man exists or not. Perhaps you could describe something like the sound of a train mixing with woodpeckers. I get that. Finally, the last paragraph is long. It is hard enough to follow the back and forth between your dream and reality. While this may be necessary, the long paragraph makes that harder, and I almost wanted to stop. (Readers are lazy bums.) All in all, these are nits. Clearly, you spent a lot of time on this. I'm only talking about polishing.

Regards,

David


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello,

I often read these pieces and wonder what the writer wants from the review, whether a review of the subject, the content, or the grammar. Faults in any one area will trash a piece. I'm also curious what you want from the reader. Do you want the reader to feel something? Or, are you desiring to educate them in some way? Maybe both? I don't know; I can't tell.

As for your subject, it is old and worn. Note, I deliberately left off the word "out." We humans never grow tried of reflecting on the meaning of life and our place in it. That being the case means that you have to do a great job with the topic because you're competing with philosophers and dreamers who've also dealt with the subject. So, what makes your piece rank with theirs? What new are you offering? Why should we readers care? (You tell me; I can't answer this question. Are you happy with it?)

Regarding content, I think you are all over the map. No doubt, your life is yours. The Bible is heavy, and that is OK. In fact, Joel, being the Word of God, carries more weight than anything else, and that brings me to the point of the quotes. Bible vs. a movie? No contest, and too many movie quotes.

I don't really concern myself with the grammar aspect because you've not grabbed me with the content. Again, I, like so many others, am easily captured by the subject. But, having read so many others on the same subject, I find myself comparing yours to those, and there is no comparison. Sorry. Now, we're back where I started. I don't know what you expected. Maybe you just wanted to take a challenging topic and wanted to throw words at it, hoping some would stick, and that would make you feel good. If so, then disregard what I've written because it is far too critical in that context. If, however, you were seriously trying to write something that grabs the reader, you need to try again, and think.

Regards,

Jack Stone
37
37
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Touching. I can relate. You've probably written something that anyone who has ever thought about writing can relate to. And, you come across as genuine. Isn't that what good writing evokes? A since of sincerity? Something that makes the reader want to continue reading?

If so, then you already know that although you've put it out here to be read, it isn't really here for a critique. Otherwise, you would have capitalized the words at the beginning of your sentences. You would have known the difference between taping and tapping. Is it don or doff? Can I even discern?

So, yes, good job. You have a great topic, a narrow focus, and a heart for what you've written. Rewrite it five times if you want a critique. Research your words. Eliminate unnecessary words. Sleep on it for two weeks. Then, put it back out here for comments. Make it the best it can be. Again, you've got the spark.
38
38
Review by David Burke
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice reflective piece. Also encouraging. The ending was a nice loop back to your opening question. There are small details that I find distracting, things that are easily corrected. Primarily tenses. And, you also seem to want to write in an old English style, but you are inconsistent. So, you might drop it. For example, you write the following:

"Quietly, and in fate I had come to accept this as part of my being.
Perhaps it is my fate, sealed and cast in stone.
Day and night have I cried, for reprieve and solace; yet I received none.
Or so I thought…"

I think had should be have. I cannot relate to "Quietly, and in fate". What is in fate? I would leave it as "Quitely, I have come to ...." You are going to use the word fate again in the next line. Two fates that close together is a distraction anyway. Finally, why not just say, "Day and night I have cried for...." Much easier to read.

Anyway, you did a good job.

Keep writing!
39
39
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked your piece. It spoke to me because I've started and stopped journaling several times over the last 20 years. I may try it again after having read your article. There you go. Your work had an affect.

What would I change? The vulgarity in step 3 is unnecessary. Clearly, you are trying to punctuate the topic with impact, but you've effectively swatted a fly with a 2 X 4. Up until that point, I would have gladly shared your piece with a child. After all, you start out telling us that you started at eleven. Both children and adults are smart enough to have figured out what you saying without your f*** in the face. Got it?

But, that's me. You got your point across. And, you writing is good. Tight. Interesting.

Good job!
40
40
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like what you wrote, because it is believable. And, I can personally related to your experiences. No doubt, the majority of us older readers can remember our first dance, the loss of a friend who died too young, and the end of our high school years.

So, what can be improved? I think you need to find a way to add punch. Although you've captured many emotions, you've done so in a way more intellectual than emotional. Your choice of words seem somewhat flat, statements of fact. Look back through the piece and count the number of descriptions of your feelings. There are relatively few. Think about you might write the piece using more color, telling us how the experiences made you feel, how they moved you, how they made you think.

For example, and recognize this will be weak....only for illustration...

"It was the year 2000, only a date marking a new millennium for many, but a date that changed me forever."

vs.

"The year 2000 was a bit of a milestone for me. Not merely just the beginning of a new decade, a new century, and a new millennium, that particular year was of particular significance to me."

Perhaps I'm biased, but my opening sentence makes me want to know what happened to you compared to your opening that generates little curiosity if all I'm going to read about is something of significance.

Re-read the piece. Ignore me if I'm off base.

Completely different topic......

I left my small town after my high school graduation and never really had a reason to go back to that "home", because my parents moved to a different town while I was in college. Today, I'm 54. I went back to my home town last week and found that many of the places that formed me, the places where I found my greatest joys as a child, are gone. No one would know where the old swimming pool once was where I spent my summers. Houses now sit where the pool was. A church now uses the building that was once the public library where my mother took me for summer reading clubs. The tennis courts where I learned to play tennis are now somewhere beneath the corner of a new school building foundation. Businesses that were supposed to be there forever have been shuttered, only places for ghosts. I believe we all long to go home, but home is in the memories you hold.

Be good,

Jackstone
41
41
Review of The Sirens.  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good. I see only a few things you might consider changing to strengthen your verse. I think some contrast in the third stanza would be appropriate:

All is not as it seems,
though the Sirens dance,
and their eyes do gleam.

This helps us imagine what belies the dance and gleaming eyes.

In the fourth stanza, I suggest you modify sailor differently to make the poem clearly about the reader who is the sailor:

Its all an act,
to draw you in.
to catch you, sailor,
so they can win.

The last stanza was a puzzler to me. I was Wow!, up until this point, then you wrote "head my warning" instead of "heed my warning". What?! Someone of such imagination and good writing make such a blunder???? You're supposed to laugh now. Just correct it.
But, I still don't like the last stanza. The sentence structure is wrong for the warning. What is the warning? You've offered a statement of fact rather than a warning. How about something like this:


So heed my warning,
When a temptress draws near.
Lower your eyes,
and close your ears.

Again, great work!

Regards,

Jack Stone


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
42
42
Review of the beginning  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an interesting piece. You do a good job with the imagery. But, you need some punctuation between the independent clauses, and you need more than one long paragraph, especially given that you change topics/thoughts. Although I like the imagery, I think the flow of your reflection from the general sense of being, of memory, to being on a murderous rampage against a spider is jolting. What is the point? I feel you need to close with something that complements the opening more than feeling sick and taking a nap. You could have felt that way about killing a spider two days ago. Tell us what makes it remarkable 22 years later. Good bones!
43
43
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.0)
Touching piece. I always find it difficult to give feedback on something that may be true and have emotional sensitivities to the author, but you asked. First, you evoke emotions. That is good. But, I find it difficult to believe. I have two sons, and I know that neither of them could retain the vivid details of memory you suggest for a 4-year old. I've often asked them what they remember from their early childhood and compared it to my memories and capabilities, but no where near to what you've described. Of course, this problem is easy to correct by advancing the age to 10 - 12. I also think it would be more reasonable for a 10-year old to deal with a kite than a 4-year old. At 4, I was trying to convince my sons to hang on to their helium balloons.

You have a problem with the last sentence of your second paragraph......not a sentence.

I think you have a lot of "extra" unnecessary things going that cause minor distractions to your main thrust. For example, you could have probably deleted the sentence "It was a long summer without Grandma...." Most readers already know you feel that way without your having to remind them. The sentence almost makes me want to know more about it after you put it in, and then I get no more....a let down. Another unnecessary line, "I don't remember a lot of what went on at that time." We the readers wouldn't expect you to, and we don't need to be reminded of the obvious.

Again, I think it is a good piece, but you should try removing as much unnecessary stuff as possible by asking yourself what is obvious to your readers and what is essential to communicate.
44
44
Review of Please read!  
Review by David Burke
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the first paragraph. You have a crisp, tightly focused, situation that makes the reader want to find out about these dreams becoming reality. (There is a drawback to what you've written. Isn't this the same type of thing that happens in the "Final Destination" movies? You don't want to be a copycat.)

But, in the second paragraph you've blown up the story in so many different ways, it will be hard to contain. These different directions become too distracting. In one paragraph you are asking the reader to consider the character being abused, raised in a foster home, having a boyfriend, chased by a lesbian, being pregnant, fear of dying, all on top of the dream stuff. I think you would have been far better off to have had a fairly normal character with only the dream problem. That's a big enough problem for anyone to cope with without having to deal with a host of other unbelievable problems.

One person's opinion.

Regards,

Jackstone
45
45
Review of Three Wishes  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a good start and has potential, but you need to tighten it up and you need to provide a little more context to make it a stand alone piece. Here are couple of examples of where you need to make it more crisp:

"The slamming of the door ended the conversation."

This might be better like this,
"The slamming door ended the conversation." or "The door slammed, ending the conversation." or, "The door slammed. I stood alone."

Another:

"When he had collected himself, he knocked on her door again, hoping against hope that maybe he could change how this ended right here."

Maybe,

"He collected himself and knocked again, fighting back a sense of despair."

As to context, you introduce the reader to a very narrow situation and assume that it will hold their attention. What am I talking about?

We have to rely on our well worn, and now tired, memory of a genie and a lamp. Nothing exciting here. Then, we have a worn out story about boy breaks up with girl, says something he regrets, begs forgiveness, and gets girl after saying the L word. This, too, is a tired concept.

Was this worth my time reading about this? My answer is no, unless you tell me what makes this particular girl special. Or, what makes the genie special? What makes the boy special?

Perhaps you could have started the story by acknowledging that we will have to use our imagination to fill in the blanks. For example, "Mike stared at the cracked genie lamp in the floorboard of his car. He wondered whether it would be worth another try dealing with the psychotic genie of the lamp." Now, I'm thinking this might be about a different genie than what's in my imagination. I'm curious and want to hear more.

I'll stop here. I give you a worn out piece of advice and encouragement. Remember that the beauty of writing is in the rewriting.

Good writing,

The Jackster
46
46
Review of Over office life  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is an interesting piece because I'm left wondering what purpose it serves. It is like a few melodic measures of music out of a much larger composition. When one hears them without the larger context, one thinks, "Yeah, ok, nice." Then, it is forgotten. Is that all this piece is supposed to be, a tickle, a tease?

You provide some nonsensical conclusion outside the presupposition of agreement from your readers. For example, "...the same, over and over again until finally it all tumbles down into an inevitable and certain demise..." Given that I have pretty good days at the office, I don't relate to such a blanket statement of depression. If you had provided more context for the reader, then you might be able to sway them to buy into your argument. Otherwise, as written, you appear shallow to assume that everyone would relate. Those of us who don't, dismiss the argument.

Please understand, I'm not saying this is a bad piece. Rather, I'm suggesting that you provide more context. It might be as easy as using a question.........

Maybe you could have started the second paragraph with something like the following:

"I ask myself, "Is this all we do? Have we given up our freedom of thought? Do we even know? Everyday seems the same to me, the back and forth, the over and over again. I leave feeling an inevitable and certain demise, there I stay, clinging to a fictional life raft. Am I alone?"

Now, that brings me into your poor pathetic world. ;)
47
47
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think this a great piece, especially for children. You surprised me, though, be starting off pretty strong with your grammar and punctuation. Then, toward the middle, the punctuation and spelling starts to slip. Why?

So, I'm telling you that you have a diamond in the rough. You've got to cut it right and polish it. Here are some examples of errors that I saw:

“Then proof it says the other chickens, lay a round egg for us to see.” ("Proof" should be "prove")


Sherry begins to grunt, groan, shake. While all the other chickens watched. (This should have been one sentence. The second fragment is distracting.)

After dinner that day, I decided to name this stump after Sherry. The chicken who thought she was perfect. (No quotation marks. This is Grandpa talking.)

Do you know anyone who thinks they’re perfect? (Who is asking this question? The author? Grandpa? If the author, this is awkward, because the author is not part of the story. If Grandpa, then the sentence needs to be punctuated with quotation marks.

There are other things like these examples. Try to find them and then correct them.

Good job.
48
48
Review of Saturday mornings  
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this piece. Now, not be encumbered with being a poet, I have license to critique something I know nothing about......

What if....

Dusty Light drifting slowly through open windows
Cluttered wooden table tops
Dishes in the sink from the night before
Wine glasses, pizza crusts, crumbs on the floor
Silent tranquillity, remnants of a night of laughter
Oh sweet memories the morning after

Shoot me.....I like rhyme.
49
49
Review of Follicular Folly  
Review by David Burke
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I will dare to provide feedback to someone who has gotten rave reviews, and deserving ones at that. Your piece was hilarious, and I would bet to be true. There were only a couple of place I would quibble over...

"grab two gallons of 2%, quickly look" I would have added "and" after the comma.

"One more look over my shoulder ... No one yet, and make my way to the paper towels. If I have to I can roll this at their feet as they try to cuff me. They'll be piled up like cord wood while I make my escape! " In this construct, the grammar doesn't quite hold. If we delete "No one yet", then One more look over my shoulder and make my way to the paper towels" That doesn't work. Perhaps, "One more look over my shoulder...No one yet, so I make it safely to the paper towels." And what exactly are you going to roll to trip up someone, the cart, the paper towels, the Folgers?

One last nit, I think you ought to introduce the fact that you think you've committed a crime worth being arrested. Although I think it is funny and can relate to you about not wanting to be embarrassed, it is a stretch for me to imagine being concerned about being arrested. So, don't ask the reader to share your paranoia. Tell us that it hit you that hard.

Remember, I said this is a great piece....see the score...but I will give you honest feedback.
50
50
Review by David Burke
Rated: E | (2.0)
I'm reviewing this as if it is a draft that you desire to finalize before sending to the desired audience. I rated it low because your piece reads like someone screaming with emotion. The words and sentences are chopped, words are slurred, and the grammar is lacking just like someone that loses control in an argument. The following excerpts from your piece evidence my critique:

"He is a little spoiiled" [spoiled]
"...and i for..." [missing capitalization"
"The bible tell us this." [verb should be plural]


I believe you are sincere in your message, But, when you write something to make your point, it is important to pay attention to the details or you will lose credibility. For example, you are taking your critics to task for criticizing homeschooling. As written, your critics will point to your errors in this piece and say, "Voila!, you see, the homeschool advocate writes in an uneducated style." They will be right, and you will lose.

Please take this as encouragement. Tone down the emotion, get the grammar right, and tighten up the sentence structure. It will be more powerful.

One other thought.......look how you opened the piece. You state your name, that you homeschool, and then immediately repeat back people's thoughts regarding homeschooling Michael. The problem here is that you have yet to introduce him in the piece. The reader will be confused.

Try again.
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