Terrific! This peice feels polished and practiced. The greatest strength are is main characters. You have a real ear for dialogue, minding that it's fantasy. Most fantasy dialogue around here (like mine) seems like regergitated Shakesperean meatloaf. Nice to get some fresh sounding characters.
One of my qualms is about scenerey. The sparse use of detail keeps the action flowing smoothly enough, but in setting a background, it needs a tad more for me to actually have a vivd picture. Like when they entered the castle--what did it look like exactly? What time of day was it?
The other thing is I don't have a good grasp of the characters' ages. I gather the unattractive one is old enough to date, but what about the other two? Bearach seems like a lanky 14 year old in my mind.
Aside from that this is reads and feels like it was written by a pro. Well done. Very engaging.
I didn't see that ending coming, I thought Dice was dreaming or something. Clever...
I must still give a fair review, and I can say the piece is good for a first draft, but it has a ways to go. I get the sense throughout the body that the writer seems focused only on the ending. The character of Dice is undeveloped. Aside from a description, the character has no depth, other than a flat obsession with being the best bowler. The character has no relationships or conflicts (aside from his bowling obsession). Does he have any family? Friends? Does he have a job? What drives him to bowl? Does he have a job? How did he get the corvette?
These questions might make you roll your eyes or just seem nitpicky--not all of them need be answered. My point is, the character needs some background. He needs a past, otherwise his present means nothing.
And the ghost of Johnny. Now that was a cool idea, but there was no warning about his existence or his powers. Perhaps Mitch could mention something to Dice or someone else the legend of the ghost of Johnny or something like that. A tool that most writers often use is something called "forecasting," which is the method of using symbols or dialogue to forecast what will occur in the story.
This piece has plenty of potential. Getting it down on paper is the hardest part, and you're past that. Now comes the revision process to give the words form and balance. I think you've got a good ghost story in the making here. Look forward to the coming drafts.
Jack Windsword
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