What an interesting short story. There were a few things that I noticed that you could tweak to smooth it over:
In the intro paragraph, you briefly break into the first person; it may be helpful to reread the text and determine if you want it to be in first or third person. It seems like most of it is in third person otherwise. There were a few mechanical errors: one place "John" needs capitalizing, and in another place you used "your" instead of "you're." Also, "peddle" is spelled "pedal."
The plot twist was interesting! It teeters on the verge of deus ex machina; it may be helpful to reflect if this is what you are going for. Is your aim mythology? sci fi? humor? Honing in on this focus may be helpful to make a clearer story.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:48pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "