General impressions:
I ran across your story this morning as I looked for something to review. The title caught my eye, so I popped in.
Hook/opener: I like the first three paragraphs. They give a great description of the setting., but I believe you that rather than describing the setting, you could jump into the middle of the action. It took three paragraphs to find out Joe was jumping the fence for some reason.
I like the Douglas Adams quote. It fits into the action very well.
incorrect pronoun. A pronoun typically refers directly to the preceding noun. In this case, Joe. But I'm pretty sure you mean "the man" (aka Army).
Maybe it's just me, but I'm a little confused with the ending. I assume he's escaping something he started. I think it needs a bit more transition/lead in to a fire happening. If Joe started the incident, we should have some foreshadowing at least to help fill us in. Maybe even the title could give us a "hint."
Other wise, great job!!
Keep up the writing magic.
— Jaelynn
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
I know that writing stories for daily contests doesn't give much time for a lot of review, but overall you've done a great job. Here are a few minor suggestions that you might consider:
A quick glance out my bedroom window revealed a full-on blizzard outside.
You could remove "outside" with no change to your sentence meaning.
I made my way to the kitchen and sat down
In the kitchen, I sat down...
“Click, click.”
Since this is not actual dialogue, I'd write
Click. Click. Nuts.
heat that is electric
electric heat
Plus a blizzard is raging outside.
I think we're already clear that the blizzard is still going on. Perhaps you culd simply add the word "still"
The blizzard is still raging...
there is a blizzard outside.
Maybe you could eliminate this repetition.
Great ending: a bottle of wine might be just the thing to forget the troubles of the day!
Keep up the writing magic.
— Jaelynn
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
I know we're often in a rush to write daily prompt stores, but here are a few suggestions for you to consider that might enhance your story.
There was no way...
This is a passive construction; you could rewrite it to focus on the "doer" of the action"
No way was I going to...
OR
I was not going to...
It would help...
unclear antecedent
A pronoun typically refers to the most recent noun, but I don't think you're talking about the lab here. Perhaps you need to clarify that it's you voice you're talking about.
ago, while
(comma unnecessary)
If you asked me.
Perhaps this could be part of the previous sentence. This threw me for a second and I wasn't sure what you were referring to.
them to be charming
You could remove "to be" and keep the sentence meaning.
the one time to make out point
...since the time I drove to make-out point...
"But grandma
Grandma (capitalized)
Same in instances of Grandpa when you specifically referring to "your Grandpa."
Same with Dad (used later)
Maggie's number but it went to voicemail
Could put a comma after number since the remainder of the sentence could stand alone as a complete sentence.
voicemail," it looked like she
voicemail(period)" It looked like she...
weren't enough," a tear fell
Same as above. ...enough." A tear fell...
some dort of grip
typo: sort
There are no brown haired models anymore
Passive construction.
Brown-haired models don't exist anymore.
anymore," Thankfully,
Period. New sentence again.
Keep up the writing magic.
— Jaelynn
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
What a nice story. I look forward to the continuation. Magic gardens are always so awesome. The voice is good too; so very like a child. Well done!
The main suggestion I have to improve this story is to revise the "passive constructions:" Sentences that start with
There is
There was
For example (just ideas; I'm sure you can come up with better wording),
There was a thick fog in this part of the garden. A thick fog hid most of this part of the garden.
There were no flowers... No flowers, garden gnomes or wind chimes graced this area of the garden.
Also some "telling verbs" could be revised.
She took one last look = After one final glance...
She heard a raspy voice = A raspy voice grated through the night air...
Otherwise, good job. This is a story that could be developed into a wonderful short story later on.
Keep up the writing magic.
— Jaelynn
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
Nice poem and a great take on the prompt. It fits nicely into the genre.
Your rhyming scheme is consistent! Nicely done.
The verse starting with "That man asks to have a life" need a period at the end to match the rest.
I like the change of "attitude" in the second to last verse—my favorite!
Keep up the writing magic.
— Jaelynn
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
I see this is an older story, but it showed up in the "Read & Review" page, so I went for it anyway.
What a lovely, yet sad story. These few moments create such a vivid image. Nicely done!
the disinfected smell of desperation
I stopped reading here, wondering if this should be
smell of disinfected desperation
Still, she held my hand.
Could you "beef this up" with something like
She continued to grip my had as though she'd never let it go.
(You might be under a word count restriction, I realize.)
As I looked into my grandmother’s eyes, I caught a glimpse
telling verb
In my grandmother's eyes, I glimpsed the woman...
Keep up the writing magic.
— Jaelynn
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"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"
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