Chapter 3
The Man From Tred'an
Rachel beamed with joy at the vast array of decorative garments that hung before her. She reached out and caressed a delicate lavender dress with cautious fingers. The feeling of soft silk against her skin evoked a nostalgic smile. The quality of the clothes almost made her ashamed to have entered the shop in the first place as she caught a glimpse of herself in a nearby dressing room mirror from the corner of her eye.
Insert usual caveats here about this review being my opinion, etc. I didn’t read the first two chapters and I don’t write well myself, so please don’t get upset by anything I say. I mean it positively.
I'm just going to go over a snippet here. I'll come back to the rest another time.
First off I love this character. I like the setting. I feel like something is missing – like you are trying too hard or something.
I didn’t like the very first verb. “Beamed with joy” seemed cliche.
Ok, this next comment was hard for me to accept when I received it, and I feel like the style police, but I thought you could go either lighter on the adjectives or stronger on originality. A “vast array of decorative garments” didn’t feel like a good substitute for “rows of pretty dresses”. There was no emotional resonance for me in “decorative garments”. It read to me like you’re being careful not to re-use words before using them in the first place.
“She reached out” isn’t needed. If she’s caressing, she reached out.
I liked that she’s feeling the texture of the cloth, which says something about her character that I can identify with.
The first paragraph reads a bit clunky, which is a shame because it’s full of good ideas. What about setting the scene in one sentence:
“Rachel wandered down the rows of pretty dresses, suppressing a grin, letting her fingers glide over the delicate silk and cotton.”
I didn’t like that it said “the quality of the clothes”. I felt like that should have been shown, not said.
I get building tension, but it’s easier to follow cause -> effect rather than reaction -> cause. Consider putting the glimpse of herself before the reaction of shame.
“A full length mirror at the end of the row broke the spell. Her heart sank when she saw herself standing in dirty, grungy, ugly leather.”
I didn’t think you needed to say “brown leather”. I always assume leather is brown.
The point of view is that of an observer – “her face fell” is something observed. “Her heart sank” is more emotive. I would rather be inside the character, sharing her emotions, than watching the character.
I got a muddled sense of her motivation and character. Why is she ashamed? If she’s not that worried about impressing anyone, why would she feel shame?
“She raised her chin and looked herself square in the eye. Who was there in this town worth impressing?”
“Slight hint of disgust” – again, that feels muddled. Don’t create a small emotion by watering down a big emotion.
“Leather… brown, dirty, grungy, ugly leather. Hard to impress anyone looking like this,” she mumbled with the slightest hint of disgust in her voice. “Then again, who the Hell am I trying to impress, anyway?” she laughed under her breath.
“You can try one on if you’d like,” the elderly shopkeeper chimed in as she carefully descended a step ladder at the front of the store. “Are you looking for something special?”
Rachel shifted her eyes intently around the room, as if looking for a specific outfit that didn’t exist. Her left hand crept behind her lower back in order to conceal the embarrassingly light money pouch from the old woman.
“No… no… just looking.” She again turned her attention to the lavender dress. “I am interested in this one, but I think I’ll come back for it later. I still want to… compare prices around town,” she lied.
The shopkeeper nodded. “Dear, if you can’t afford it, it’s okay. You can still try it on. It’s always free to dream,” she smiled from behind the counter. “You just save up and keep me in mind when you’re ready to take it home, alright sweetie?”
Rachel’s cheeks turned bright red. Despite the many years in exile with Adri and Neni, she hadn’t quite gotten used to people pointing out her misfortune. She bit her tongue to stifle the sudden surge of misdirected resentment towards the elderly woman. It wasn’t the shopkeeper’s fault. Rachel’s tattered leather armor was impossible to deny.
Before her privileged lifestyle was cut short during a Revenant raid on Nu’Jin, no member of the Vauters bloodline was ever considered less than gifted. Rachel’s home had been one of luxury, and her closet had shown it; consistently lined with a wide assortment of the finest clothing. Having been born to a famous artist, her family commanded great respect in the culturally diverse city just south of the great lakes.
I just wasn’t sure about the character. Who is she underneath? Young? Old? She may have been described in earlier chapters but I’m not getting a clear sense of who she is and what drives her.
You say she was “many years in exile”, which makes her older. From that, I would expect a more mature reaction to shopping for a dress. If it’s so bad, why is she in the shop in the first place?
I liked the dialogue with the shopkeeper. It felt fresh and real.
I didn’t like “Dear, if you can’t afford it, it’s okay. You can still try it on. It’s always free to dream” line. That sounded condescending to me.
You can use “said” more frequently. People expect it. It seems a little forced to use “mumbled”, “laughed”, “chimed”, “lied” instead of just “said”.
I wasn’t sure what you meant by “was ever considered less than gifted”. To me that means they were intelligent, not rich.
I didn’t like the “before her privileged lifestyle” paragraph. It was pure tell, not show. You could have skipped it or let it leak out over the next few paragraphs.
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
