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Review by jamesm Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,

You write well. I like the story. If I may make some suggestions:
1. vary length of sentences to reflect tempo of description, scene. Fights scenes should have shorter sentences, expressions of love, pathos, emotions are better described with long flowing grammatically correct sentences.
2. delete you from dialogue as much as possible as it's already obvious who is speaking to whom. For example, She can't hold ground! Fire when I cease to breathe! maybe better.
3. Fuck and other swear words adds nothing to characterisation but will only narrow your audience and get you rejection slips from publishers.
4. Perspective adds a lot to a scene, for example, “You’re tough, still standing after taking one of our arrows like that,” he grunted. “I don’t envy your pain, however. It must be tremendous.” maybe better as "she's tough, this one! took a full arrow and she still stands." He grunted to the others, " I don't envy her tremedous pain."
5. Speech is really hard to write, I have lots of trouble with it, but try to make each character sounds unique as well as expressing what they need to say.

Will you review my work no. 1790711 Pluto's earth. Thanks
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