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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there!

Thanks for sending me your poem! I really enjoyed reading it! I did mean to have a look at your portfolio and return the reviewing-an-item favour before, but I hadn't had a chance until now.

Anyway, I really like your poem. I thought it was great how you start the poem with the titular line "leaves covered with snow", and then repeat the line throughout the poem at each alternate couplet...each with a different meaning and understanding of the phrase...until at the end, it's Old Man Winter himself who leaves covered in snow! Nice!

I've read the poem through a couple of times, and I have a few comments:

*Star* My favourite line in the poem is definitely "cold gusts of north winds blow". And it's even better because it's the first line - so it really helps to push potential readers into the body of the text. I just love the imagery, and the poetry within that one line. The 'ts' and 'ds' of 'gusts' and 'winds' sort of give it an alliterative feeling too. Reading that line, I definitely get a sense of the cold!

*Star* In the third couplet, you might consider swapping the order of "nap" and "needed" in the second line. 'This long needed nap' feels a little less awkward than "This long nap needed", and helps to even out the rhythm within the line.

*Star* The fourth couplet - you've ended both of the lines with a full stop, yet the second line seems to be a part of the first. Perhaps you could change the first full stop for a comma? This way the two lines can flow together. Alternatively, you might change "Is" for 'That's, and then the punctuation would be fine.

*Star* The line-end rhymes in the seventh couplet aren't the same as the rhymes in all of the other couplets. I mean, they're similar, but they're obviously different. Personally, I don't mind this so much - it's a poet's prerogative to experiment with forms! - and I quite like this couplet (especially the choice of language and alliteration in the first line), but it did stand out from the other couplets when I read the poem through. If you wanted to, you could take the 's' off of "marshmallows", and still have the same meaning in the line. This would allow all of the couplets to have the same end-rhyme. E.g.

'Get some hot cocoa with marshmallow.'

You'd need to play around with the first line a little - to change "froze". I've listed a few ideas of line endings (rhymes) for you to try/play with if you did fancy altering the rhyme of this couplet...

below freezing/ten below
(blue) glow / aglow

show, sew, stow...

Rhymezone.com is a really useful website for looking for various words that rhyme.

ice floe (a mass of flat ice)

However, if you're happy with the couplet already...leave it as it is!

*Star* In the final couplet, you might consider moving the "-ing" from "telling" to "blow", as it would help to balance the flow of the line more evenly...yet would still keep the nine-syllable per line structure. Ie.

"Winds blow through limbs telling us to go."

'Winds blowing through limbs tell us to go.'
'Wind blowing through limbs tells us to go.'

Also, "Old man winter" should begin with capitals, as it is his name!

Thanks again for sharing this poem - and for sending it to me to read and comment on. I hope some of my comments have been useful. Best of luck with your writing!

Best Wishes,

Emma. x

(Jamey)
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Levi Blau,

Thanks for sharing this piece - I really enjoyed reading it. I really like that it's a bit different to most other stories I've read in that it's more of an overview of events - rather than a focus in on one particular point in time. That said however, I think there is room for you to expand it in a few areas...write more!

I love the language that you use, and I really like your use of imagery. I can get a real sense of who these people are, and where they're from.

I do have a couple of suggestions...

*Flower1* Firstly, I think you should change the item type from 'Other' to 'Short Story'. It is a short story, even though it has been developed from Flash Fiction. Also, since it was originally a Flash, you may consider inserting the Flash somewhere into this piece (either at the top before the story, or at the end after it) so readers can see how it's developed from its original form. You might not want to - it's personal preference I guess.

*Flower1* In the brief introduction there is a spelling mistake - civlation should be 'civilization'. Also, in the introduction: forn should be 'from'.

*Flower1* Some of the story is quite passive, and you tend to 'tell' the reader what happens rather than 'show'. For example: "Long, long ago, a group of primitive humans huddled in their caves, and struggled to survive." This is telling the reader what the characters are doing, in that they cannot 'see' it for themselves and rely on the writing to learn about what happens. Perhaps you could try to show some of this? Ie. go a little more in-depth with some of the characters and let us (the reader) see exactly what is happening. If they are struggling to survive, make it so the reader is able to tell this for themselves! I realise that the way you've written it, the reader doesn't really get to know any of the characters too well - they are more groups of people rather than individual beings...but perhaps you could allow the reader to get a little closer to either one, some, or all of them as a group.

For example,
Jar sat before the fire, his body trembling from cold. The red and yellow flames licked into the darkness, but the icy white moon bathed down a numbing chill.

Or something. That's admittedly not a wonderful example, but you get the idea of 'showing' the reader what happens in the story rather than 'telling' them.

*Flower1* Also, is there a better way to begin your story than "Long, long ago"? It just seems a little cliched and over-used. Don't forget that the first sentence is virtually the most important part of your writing (well, one of them!) - it's the first thing that the reader is going to read and will influence whether or not they continue with your story.

*Flower1* I really like your use of details in the piece. It's obviously quite a short piece, which is fine, but I can still get a sense of what the people are like. Awesome! *Bigsmile*

*Flower1*I also really like that you introduce a very important obstacle for them quite early on in the story - their survival. I thought that was brilliant. The only thing I would say here, is that you then immediately go on to say "Until, that is, they discovered fire"...and so the problem is solved more or less immediately. Perhaps you could expand a little more about the hardship of the characters, and show the reader how difficult life is for these people, so that when they do discover fire - the reader will know and feel just how important it is for them to have accomplished this.

*Flower1*My favourite lines are "stone called out to stone" and "...began to circle the Fire Lords like a shark around a wounded whale". What a great image! Nice use of similies!

*Flower1*The whole story works brilliantly on two different levels - one, as a sci-fi/fantasy type short story. All very exciting and dramatic with Fire Lords and Star Stones and cosmic war. And two, as a metaphorical warning to humanity about the damage we (as humans...aka Fire Lords!?!) are doing to the Earth and the environment, and how we are/could be on a path to self-destruction. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose or not, but it's very clear in your writing - and I think it's brilliant. *Bigsmile*

*Flower1*The only other idea I have is that you may wish to expand this into a longer piece! I know you've already expanded it - but I think that there is still room for more details and more in-depth story. Short stories can range from about 1,000 to 17,500 words (although most commonly about 2,000-5,000) so you have a little breathing room!

Anyway, thanks so much again for sharing your story. I absolutely love the idea, and the multi-message/morale of the story.
Best of luck with your writing!

Jamey. x
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Review of It used to matter  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi DarkNights,

Thanks for sharing your piece - I really enjoyed reading it. I like the dark atmosphere you've created, and the language that you use to make all of the imagery deeper and more realistic. I mean, it's quite a sad and sombre piece - and I sort sympathise a little with the narrator, but I really liked how you got the emotion and feeling of helplessness across so well. I really like all of the imagery, and I especially liked the extended 'breathing' theme. Breathing is something that is obviously so innate to us, so to have it picked up on and be so obvious and glaring in a short(ish) poem makes everything that you've written all that much more powerful and important. I thought that was great.

I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors - and I love your economical use of language. I thought it was great how you managed to get so much feeling and emotion across without writing too/very much in any one area! *Thumbsup* It's quite empathy invoking, and I thought it was quite clever how it shifts from the beginning to the end - where the narrator starts off alone and solemn, and ends where the narrator isn't alone but begs the other person to leave them. And it's all internal, and sort of reflective too - so it's even sadder. It's like the narrator is desperately thinking these thoughts, but doesn't have the courage - or strength perhaps - to say them out loud, and so suffers even more so.

I do have a couple of suggestions...

*Idea* First off, you've listed your piece as 'Other'. I think you should change this to 'Poetry', as the item is a poem.

*Idea* As I said, I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors - but I also think that you don't start every line with a capital letter. In fact, I think it would make the poem more powerful if you didn't. I know lots of poems have capitals at the start of each line, but it isn't something that you have to do. You don't need to use a capital letter unless it's the beginning of a new sentence. So, for example, your first stanza...

Underwater
Breathing is harder-
I didn’t notice before
In my dreaming
Constant Screaming
But what difference does it make?
Every morning I wake
Certain facts won’t change
Like the one where this goes on forever
You thrive, and I wither

would become...

Underwater
breathing is harder -
I didn't notice before
in my dreaming
constant screaming
but what difference does it make?
Every morning I wake
certain facts won't change
like the one where this goes on forever
you thrive, and I wither


Taking out the capital letters improves the flow of the poem. When a sentence carries on over a couple of lines in one stanza (or even across stanzas) using a capital at the start of each line breaks up the flow a little. Using capitals only at the start of sentences restores a more 'balanced' flow of the poem, making it easier for the reader, and also works to emphasize the more free-verse style of the writing.

*Idea* I also think you might want to have a look at putting in some more punctuation to help break up the lines and images of the poem a little. The advantage of using punctuation in poetry is that (just like in writing fiction) it gives you control as to the speed and manner that the reader takes in your work. You control the flow, and the meaning of your sentences and imagery. So, for example, your first stanza again...might be something like the following:

Underwater
breathing is harder -
I didn't notice before
in my dreaming,
constant screaming,
but what difference does it make?
Every morning I wake -
certain facts won't change,
like the one where this goes on forever -
you thrive, and I wither.


The punctuation you use, and where you place it, instructs the reader on the correct way to read your poem. Placing a pause after an image also makes it a little stronger to the reader (as they have longer to take it in), and helps them to remember it more easily as it becomes separated from the others.

IE.

Jack had a blue ball a green hat and an upside-down brown racing car.

to

Jack had a blue ball, a green hat, and an upside-down brown racing car.

It's the same logic as 'chunking' in psychology - breaking it into smaller sections just makes it a little more separated, and a little more easy to take in.

*Idea* Also, and this is just an idea, you might like to play around with introducing some constraints into your poem. I actually really like how you have it free-verse, non-traditional, and with all the lines and stanzas uneven. It works to heighten the sense of not being in control and fits well with the darker atmosphere you've created.

However, I think introducing one (or two) different constraints might work really well with your poem.

For example, having the exact same number of words (or syllables!) on each line would emphasize the sense of restriction and confined tightness in your work.

E.g.

(Four words per line)

Underwater breathing is harder.
I didn't notice before
in my dreaming - constant
screaming - but what difference
does it make? Every
morning I wake (certain
facts won't change, like
the one where this
goes on forever) you
thrive, and I wither.


And so on. It doesn't have to be words or syllables, it could be anything - but for the whole of the poem. Just play around with it a little, and see what you like. I think it could really heighten the confinement and helplessness of the poem.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing your poem, and thanks for letting me comment on it! I hope some of my comments have been helpful - I did really enjoy reading it. I'd be interested in reading it again if you did make any changes!

Good luck with your writing,

Jamey. x
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Review of 2:30 AM  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Kinoya! I thought I'd review your item!

First off, thanks for sharing! I really enjoyed reading the beginning of your memoirs, and I really like the way you've done it. I especially like the way that you ended it, almost a moralistic cliffhanger to draw the reader in. *Thumbsup*

I did notice a couple of errors, and I have a couple of suggestions for your item.

*Idea* Your First Sentence
I like the way that you introduce both your character and your setting to the reader straight away at the start of your writing. However, what struck me the most was that the first piece of punctuation that you use is a semi-colon, and I felt it seemed a little out of place. Perhaps you could rearrange your first sentence a little, perhaps breaking it up into two or three smaller sentences. Smaller sentences are easier for your reader as it means that they have less information to remember at a time, and so are not having to work as hard as with longer sentences. The easier it is for the reader to read your writing, the higher the chance that they will continue on to the end of it. This is especially true for the first sentence - as this is the first piece of your writing that they will see and read. Most likely, they will have decided whether or not they like your writing style before they finish reading the first paragraph - so the very beginning of your writing (be it a book, a story, a poem, etc.) must be as good as you can make it! The easier it is for the reader to read this sentence, the more likely they are to continue on to the next sentence, and then the next, and then the next...and before you know it, they've finished the book!

For example,

'I was nine years old. It was 2:30 in the morning and I couldn't sleep, so I sat at my table writing.'

Or

'I sat writing at my table. It was 2:30am and I couldn't sleep. I was nine years old.'

Try not to have too many images in one sentence. I usually suggest using no more than one or two. Sometimes you might have longer sentences, that have three, four, or sometimes even five images - but you don't want to do this too often as it's more work for your reader. Generally, try not to have any more than two different images in the same sentences.

Additionally, each image should be separated from the last one by some form of punctuation mark (almost always a full stop/period or a comma).

For example,

(Image One)'I was nine years old. (Period) (Image Two)'It was 2:30 in the morning, (Comma) (Image Three) and I couldn't sleep.'

Breaking the images up this way makes it easier for the reader to understand what is happening, and remember the details. How many times have you ever read a story and had to keep going back and re-reading the same line because you kept forgetting what it said? Those sentences will always be relatively long, and packed full of images.

Your first sentence isn't too bad, it's relatively short and doesn't have too many images in it (though I think you can split it down!). However, as it is your very first sentence, I think you should try to condense it as best you can, and at least get rid of the semi-colon!

*Idea* Tenses
In your second sentence you switch from past to present tense. ("I was nine years old", and then "my mother comes into my room".) You can choose to write your story in whichever tense you choose, but you should always keep to the same one in order to preserve the flow and continuity in your writing. I suggest you change this line to past tense also.

*Idea* Showing and Telling
This means exactly what it sounds like: try to ‘show’ your reader what is happening in your story (be it fiction, non-fiction, poetry, anything), instead of ‘telling’ them it. There is a good article on this at the following website:

http://users.wire fire.com/tritt/tip1.html

‘Showing’ allows your reader to become involved in your writing, as they 'see' the events in the story - almost experience them - along with your character. This is a good way of getting your reader to identify with your character, which ultimately is what will keep them reading through to the end.

For example, instead of saying that:

’Jack got a pain in his head,’

say that

’A sudden sharp stabbing pain shot through Jack’s temple, and he clutched his hands to the side of his head in a futile effort to stop the spasms.’

Through showing, you naturally put more details and description into your writing. This is good because it provides the reader with a greater sense of the story - be it emotions, senses, characters, or surroundings. They feel more involved in your writing, and form a deeper attachment to your main character. The more connected the reader feels to your character, the more they will need to keep reading, as they will need to know what happens to your character at the end of your item. They need to know what happens to the reader themselves, in the end.

You can then easily carry on to the next sentence, providing more details of your story as you write. You’ll find that the more detail your put in to your writing, the more it comes to life, and the easier it is to write as you go on.

'A sudden sharp stabbing pain shot through Jack's temple, and he clutched his hands to the side of his head in a futile effort to stop the spasms.

"Jack! I'm so sorry! Are you alright?" asked Johnny. He crossed to the pavement and studied the side of Jack's head. "It's not bleeding," he said.

Jack glared at Johnny, "That really hurt," he said.

Try using showing throughout your story, as this will help your writing to come to life, and it will really help your reader to identify with your character.

So, for your story...

'A few minutes later, my mother came into my room.
         "What are you doing out of bed?" she asked
         "I am writing my future," I said. I kept my eyes on the piece of paper I was writing on.
         She walked over to me, and leaned over the desk to see what I had written. "Am I in it?" she asked.

*Flower1* Was
Which brings me nicely to this next area - 'Was'.

There's nothing wrong with using the word 'was', but if you don't need to use it, try not to. I only found it in your story three times, so don't worry too much about this, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

'Was' is a very uneconomical word, and is a word that encourages both 'telling' and passive writing. You want your story/item/memoirs to 'show' and have active writing. Don't worry too much if you do use 'was', there's plenty of bestsellers out there that have it - but if you can use something else instead, like a verb(!), it would be great for your writing.

A good technique that I learned at university, is that once you've finished writing your story/page/chapter/etc. to print it off (as it doesn't seem to work as well on computer screens). Next, take a red pen. Then, read through your work and circle every single 'was' that you come across. You'll almost always be surprised at how many you've used it. You can then play around with these sentences until you're happy with them. If it's possible, try using a verb in place of 'was' in your writing.

*Idea* Details
I think this is sort of covered by the showing and telling, but perhaps you could expland on a couple of your sentences. Can you provide any more details to the reader?

You say that you were nine years old. What were you feeling? Why were you awake at half past two in the morning? What was the weather like outside? Why did you decide to start writing your future, and at such a young age? What did your mother look like? What did she smell like? What did you look like? Where did you live? What was your room like?

And so on. I'm sure you can put in some more details and descriptions in your writing in order to help your reader get a sense of exactly who and where you are. What decade is this in? Try and write exactly what you see, smell, hear, touch,etc. when you remember this.

*Idea* General
Besides the semi-colon, I did notice a couple of typos:

"...she leaned over a little to see what I was writing and said "Am in it?" "
This should be, 'Am I in it?' "

"I looked up at her and said "I don't know are you?" "
I think you should put a comma in after 'know'. "I don't know, are you?"

Overall, I think this is a great start for your memoirs - and I can see huge potential in it. Thank you so much for sharing, and I can't wait to read the next part!

I hope some of my comments have been helpful, and I really did enjoy reading your work.

Best Wishes,

Jamey. x
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Review of "My First Time"  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lump4ever!

I really enjoyed reading your poem, and congratulations on your first post! There's always lots to do on WDC, so don't be afraid to ask somebody if you have any questions.

I loved your poem - what a great way to mark your first post and item on the site! Thanks for sharing it. *Bigsmile* *Thumbsup*

I do have a couple of suggestions:

Second line: "I' hoping for feed back from coast to coast."
"I'm hoping for feedback from coast to coast."
You missed the 'm' in 'I'm', and feedback is just one word.

Third line: "I have done this for years some say I can write."
"I have done this for years, some say I can write,"
I would put a comma in this sentence, after 'years', as it separates the two images.

Fourth line: "But i am looking for feedback from all on this site."
"But I am looking for feedback from all on this site."
Capitalise the letter 'I'.

Fifth line: "Please bear with me though my grammar is bad,"
"Please bear with me though, my grammar is bad,"
Again, I would place a comma in this sentence to separate the images.

Sixth line: "I can write when im happy or if I am sad."
"I can write when I'm happy, or if I am sad."
'I'm' should have a capital 'I' and an apostrophe as it it two words condensed (I am). I would also put in a comma after 'happy'.

Eighth line: "Let me know if i'm OK or you think that i stink."
"Let me know if I'm okay, or you think that I stink."
I don't think your writing stinks!
Don't forget to capitalise the letter 'I'! And again, I would place a comma in this line (but it's up to you!).

Tenth line: "My Wifes calling my name I dont' want to upset her."
"My wife's calling my name, I don't want to upset her.
My wife's calling my name, I don't want to upset her!"
You don't need to spell 'wife' with a capital (unless you did this on purpose!), but place an apostrophe before the 's'. And again, I would split the sentence with a comma. You might like to end the sentence with an exclamation mark to emphasize the line!

Eleventh line: "So i'm afraid this poem has to come to an end,"
"So I'm afraid this poem has to come to an end,"
Capitalise!

Thanks again for sharing this - I really enjoyed reading your poem! I hope some of my comments have been useful, and I look forward to seeing more of your writing around the site!

Jamey. x
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
WOW!

Thanks so much for sharing this story - I really really enjoyed reading it. You are a very talented writer, and I loved all of the descriptions and images that you created. *Bigsmile*

I especially liked your use of language, and the way that you progress the storyline through mostly action - yet also reveal inner thoughts, fragements of speech, etc.

You have a wonderful story here! I would like to see it continue - although you've marked it as a short story, there is a lot of potential here to make this into a much longer story where we can learn more about what is going on, and more about the characters.

In answer to your question I would say that your story is most definitely ready for publication submission!

I did find a couple of things I wanted to comment on though:

One, was where you wrote: "but this faded quickly as he set about reaving the mind he had broken into."

Perhaps you meant 'revealing' here, or 'reaping'?

*Star*

The only other thing I wanted to mention was the style of paragraphs. I know that lots of people on this site use the 'block' or 'business' style of paragraphing as it's easier to just copy and paste - but I wanted to mention it just in case.

For literary work, fiction and so on, agents and publishers expect you to send in your work using the 'literary' style of paragraphing. I.e. not blocks, where each new paragraph begins by skipping a line.

For literary paragraphing, you do not skip any lines - but instead indent the first line of each new paragraph by leaving five (sometimes three/or 'tab') spaces. At the end of a section, if you do not begin a new chapter, you mark it with a #.

That was all I noticed. Thanks so much again for sharing, this was a great read!

Good luck with your submissions!

Jamey. x
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Blaze!

Following my email earlier on I thought I'd check out your portfolio!

Nice work! I really love this poem - it's so full of imagery and atmosphere, and yet it is succinct and very economical!

I especially love the images that you create in this poem "Shadows slither", "rusty dagger" "The ghosts of mind"...and so on. Awesome! *Bigsmile*

I also love how you use the poem to tell a story - and the depth and emotion that you manage to convey, through your use of language and alliteration, in a relatively short piece. Excellent!

One of my favourite parts of the poem has to be the "[pause]"{:violet}. By writing it into the poem adds so much more than just a 'pause' - love it! *Thumbsup*

I can't find any problems with grammar, spelling or punctuation. *Smile*

If I were to make one suggestion, it would be: don't start each line with a capital letter. Only start the lines that also start a new sentence, or follow a full stop/period with a capital. This way the lines all flow together. For example...

"Shadows slither
past unseeing eyes
as night draws near,
yet no one hears
her deadly cries

of sorrow; corrodes
the weeping heart.
Rusty dagger withdrawn,
the hand unseen,
she retreats with keen"

Anyway, excellent poem!

Jamey85.
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Review of Ricky  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hi Billi!

Thanks for sharing this piece - I really enjoyed reading it!

Bascis

*Star* I didn't notice any spelling, grammar or punctuation mistakes in this piece. *Smile*

Language

*Star* I really like the causal and informal voice that you use to tell this story - it really helps the reader to get into the style of the story, as well as to identify with the younger age of the characters right from the start of the story. Excellent! *Thumbsup* *Smile*

*Star* I think that there are some areas in your story where you 'tell' the reader what is happening, instead of 'show' them. Perhaps you could alter this slightly so that the reader 'sees' what is happening in the story? It helps them to identify more easily, and quicker with the characters. *Smile*

Telling and Showing

'Showing and Telling' refers to a technique that writers use in order to involve the reader more effectively into their stories. There is a good article on 'Showing and Telling' at the following site

http://www.foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show...

Showing and Telling refers to the way in which the story is presented to the reader.

For example, telling...

The ball was round and bounced on the path.

And showing...

A bright yellow coloured ball bounced on the newly shingled path.

Telling is literally where the writer 'tells' the reader what happens in the story. The reader does not need to look for clues or descriptions to the story, as they are 'told' what happens - everything they need to know is presented to them.

Conversely, showing, involves the author writing in such a way that 'shows' the reader what happens in the story. This can be done through actions, descriptions, dialogue, thoughts, etc. It also encourages more details and descriptions to be included into the writing - which in turn helps to bring the story to life for the reader.

To quote Samuel Clemens, "Don't tell us that the old woman screamed. Bring her on and let her scream."

Try to incorporate this technique into your writing...

The more details you can include (whether they are actions, descriptions, thoughts, etc) the more the reader will be able to see and understand what is happening in your story, and the more they will be able to identify with the characters and the story. This is important because the more the reader can identify with the characters and become involved in the story, the more they will stick with the story and want/need to find out what happens at the end.

*Star* Tenses

"He decided to ignore the feeling so it’d just go away. Instead, the annoying sensation continues, prickling, until he gave up and lifted his head, leaning back in the gray plastic chair as he scanned the classroom where he was having study hall."

You seem to switch between past and present tense here, which is slightly confusing to the reader...

He decided to ignore it, but it continues and he gave up, leaning back in the classroom, where he was having study.

You need to keep the tenses the same so that the reader can understand, experience and see what is happening in your story. The easier it is for the reader to read your work, the more likely they will be to stick with it right through to the end! *Bigsmile*

Perhaps you can read through the story and change it so that it all reads through in the same tense.

*Star* Was

Generally, I tend to advise against using the word 'was' in writing as much as possible. This is because it is a very uneconomical word and leads to passive, rather than active, writing. It also encourages poor verb use and 'telling' rather than 'showing'.

Your story doesn't really have 'was' in too much, so you don't have to worry. Although, you might still want to have a look at those areas to see if you could improve the economy of your story.

As a general tip, when you've finished writing something, print it off. Then, get a red pen and go through it and circle any 'was' words that you come across. Usually there are a lot more than previously realised. This is a good exercise to do for all writing as it helps to alert you to the sentences in your writing that you can improve upon the most. As such, should you change these areas at all, your writing overall will be more economical and descriptive.

Description and Imagery

*Star* I really love the images and descriptions in your writing! I think that they're really effective in building the 'world' and environment in your story, and in developing your characters and story line. Excellent! Write on! *Thumbsup* *Thumbsup*

*Star* I especially love your descriptions of the arrangements of the desks in the science class - very economical! And I can really get a clear picture of what they look like and how they are laid out! Perfect! *Bigsmile* *Bigsmile* *Thumbsup*

*Star* "Her hair was long and a strawberry blonde" 'Her hair was long and a strawberry blonde colour', or 'Her hair was long and strawberry blonde'.

Details

*Star* Perhaps you could include some more details into your story? For example, who tells Ricky that he's avoided/feared because of the way that he dresses, etc? I think if you could add some more details like this throughout your chapter it would really help to bring your entire story to life! *Bigsmile*

Other

*Star* "scanned the classroom where he was having study hall."

I'm not sure I totally understand this sentence in that I'm not sure what 'study hall' is. It's probably that I'm from a different country and just haven't heard the expression - but it seems to me like you meant to say 'where he was studying', or 'where he was having a study session', or something. Apologies if I'm being stupid! *Wink*

Overall

I really enjoyed reading your chapter - I especially love some of the images, and how you end the chapter...I really want to find out what happens next at the office! I think this could be a really good story! *Bigsmile* *Smile* *Thumbsup*

Anyway, good luck with your entry!

I hope that some of my suggestions have been helpful, and write on! *Bigsmile*

Jamey. x

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thanks for sharing this item on WDC! I really enjoyed reading it! I think you have a really great, and really promising story start!

Descriptions

*Star* I really love some of the descriptions that you have used in your story. I think that they're really effective! *Thumbsup* Good descriptions help the reader to see what you are describing more clearly, and so allows them to either identify more (if it's a character), or to picture where they are more easily.

*Star* I think you need to perhaps include some more details into some areas of your story. There are several places where I found that the descriptions were slightly too vague, and didn't really help the reader to picture what was happening, or being described.

Fpr example, you say that Loriana has "thrown many spells about". I think you need to be more specific about this - perhaps tell us which spells? Or when and where she was experimenting, practising or even learning how to cast spells? Did she have somebody that taught her? Etc.

Try to include lots of details throughout your story. It is always better to give your reader too many details than not enough.

"smoke curled"
This is one of my favourite descriptions in the entire story. I think it's so effective - smoke does curl! Just from those two words I can really get a sense of what it is you are describing, and so the image is very clear in my mind. Also - at only two words, this description is incredibly economical! Write on! *Bigsmile*

"the old mansion of House Darmanse was eaten by orange flames"
I really like this image - I think it's a really nice scene to picture. I can imagine a large, impressive, (old) house standing tall against a backdrop of orange skies with dark clouds. I love it.

What I would suggest with this description however, is that you alter it very slightly to remove the 'was'.

For example,

'orange flames engulfed the old mansion of House Darmanse.'

"the war worn look which was deepend by the soot stains from the fire"
The same here also, I really like the image - but I think you could perhaps alter it to cut out the 'was'. This is because 'was' encourages passive writing, and retracts from economy.

'soot stains from the fire deepened the war worn look.'

"eyes crinkled as he stared toward the roaring flames"
Wow! What an awesome image! I love it!

"His blue eyes, almost a decade younger than Crispian's own."
I added this description to my list of favourites because this one sentence conveys so much more than just an image. It's a really great image to picture in the mind - with just one line the reader can imagine not only what the eyes of each character look like, but also know the depth, emotion and intelligence behind each pair.

"and at it stood Argyle, Edward, MAthriel, and a few others"
You need to be more specific here. Who are the few others? What are they doing? Why are they there? Are they serving drinks? Etc. If they do not need to be there, then remove them from your story.

"his bushy mustaches drooping"
Perfect! I love it! *Thumbsup*

"his blue eyes were squinted in the smoky air and his armor would need smithing."
I really love how you've combined two images here into one larger one - it's a really clever idea and I think it's one that's very effective in getting the imagery and the actions across to the reader. Very economical as well! *sbigsmile*

"He barely looked up from the scroll initially, leisurely taking a moment to set it down and then survey the man before him."
Great description here. Simple and concise, and moving the story on. Perfect.

Imagery

*Star* I love the imagery that you use in your writing. Images help the reader to picture the story events in their minds, and are very useful when used in descriptions. *Smile*

"House Darmanse was consumed. Roaring flames licked with hunger at the few remaining walls."
Very good use of imagery here - I really like how the 'roaring flames lick' the walls hungrily. Good use of language, helps to build up the image of what is happening in the story in the reader's mind.

The only thing, again, is the was. Perhaps you could alter it to something like...

'Fire consumed House Darmanse'.

"She could still see smoke rising beyond the walls where her home burned."
Excellent! I love the dramatic and sorrowful nature of this image - just this image on its own creates lots of questions and evokes emotions in the reader, that all lead off into separate images. Very awesome. Excellent use of imagery.

Language

WAS
Generally, I tend to advise against using the word 'was' in writing as much as possible. This is because it is a very uneconomical word and leads to passive, rather than active, writing. It also encourages poor verb use and 'telling' rather than 'showing'.

Your story doesn't have 'was' in it that much, but there are a few places that I think you could slightly alter so that the story remains the same - but that the 'was' words will have disappeared from the sentences.

As a general tip, when you've finished writing something, print it off. Then, get a red pen and go through it and circle any 'was' words that you come across. Usually there are a lot more than previously realised. This is a good exercise to do as it helps to alert you to the sentences in your writing that you can improve the most upon, and as such, ensures that should you change them, your writing overall will be more economical and descriptive.

SHOWING AND TELLING
'Showing and Telling' refers to a technique that writers use in order to involve the reader more into their stories. There is a good article on 'Showing and Telling' at http://www.foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html

To quote Samuel Clemens, "Don't tell us that the old woman screamed. Bring her on and let her scream."

Try to incorporate this into your writing.

"Even this assurance from Argyle came with a grim undertone" (telling)

"Crispian lacked the certainty of Argyle regarding this." (+ rest of paragraph) (telling)



CAPITALS
I've noticed a few places in your writing where I think you should have used a capital letter instead of a small one...

"friar" - Friar
"militant order" - Militant Order
"royal orders" - Royal Orders
"king" - King
"central keep" - Central Keep

PARAGRAPHING
In writing, there are two styles of paragraphing. These are known as the 'Business', and 'Literary' styles.

The Business style of paragraphing is used for writing non-fiction items such as articles and reports, etc. Whereas the Literary style is used for writing fictional stories.

You have used the business style. Each of your paragraphs is in its own 'block'. Each time you start a new paragraph, you miss a line and start writing.

You need to change your paragraph style to the Literary style. This means that instead of missing a line out between each paragraph, you will miss no lines out. Instead, you will indent the first line of your paragraph by five spaces (or TAB in Word).

~DIALOGUE~
Dialogue would also probably come under this heading.

If you start a paragraph about one character, e.g. Crispian, and write in some dialogue...unless it is Crispian who is speaking, you must start the dialogue on a new line (and indent it).

         "This is a big field," said Hannah. She gazed out over the blue flowers and stared into the fading horizon.
         "It certainly is," replied Derek.

...not the most interesting of dialogues, but you get the general idea...

ECONOMY
*Star* Overall, I like the economy in your writing. Your images and descriptions are very economical and your language style adds to both the economy of the writing, and the overall atmosphere of the 'world' that you have created.

However, I have noticed a few areas where you could improve upon the economy...

"noble of birth". Not completely economical - should be either 'noble', or 'born noble'.

"her acts had been treason"...'her acts of treason'

"this was the outskirts of the capitol"...'these were the outskirts of the capital'

"Some of those around him nodded, showing their assessment of events as well."...'Some of those around him nodded.'

OTHER

"owners'"...owners

"Most were busy with prisoners or wounded" This can be taken in two ways - you may wish to clarify. Are the troops themselves wounded, or are they busy with the wounded?

"healing wards casts by Darnyle" - cast

"she shall here be held". I think you need to rearrange this slightly as the flow is uncomfortable. 'she shall be held here' is fine.

"though she was a large, hulking brute of a woman" Can you describe her without using 'was'?

Characters

*Star* Good sense of characters. Each is unique and believable.

*Star* Even though there isn't loads of dialogue in the story (which is fine! *Smile*) each character has a distinct speech pattern - and you have included a good grasp of social languages. Excellent! {e@thumbsup}

*Star* The main characters are well thought out characters with desires and motivations, as well as regrets and flaws. This helps to bring them to life to the reader and helps them to identify. Excellent!

*Star* I love the names that you have used for your characters!

Storyline, Structure and Plot

*Star* You have clearly planned your story in advance to writing it - and it shows through your writing. Your story is logical and creative, and flows very nicely along its intended course. Great!

*Star* Good sense of a cause between the characters that is in-grained into the plot. Clearly there is more to learn about everything we have read in this first chapter. Perfect! *Thumbsup* *Bigsmile*

*Star* Great ending! Hooks the reader and makes them want to read on.

I definitely want to know more!

* * * * *


This is a really great first chapter, and a really good start to your story. I especially like the characters and the imagery that you have created and worked into your story.

I think you could include some more details in various parts of your chapter, but all in all I think that this is the beginning to a brilliant story.

Write on!

All the best,

Emma. x
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Review of Phoenix Intro  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
PHOENIX INTRO


*Star* I really love how you start this story with a description. I think that's a really clever idea as it helps the reader to connect to the character straight away. The way to hook the reader on your story is through the characters, so your reader needs to be able to identify with your character. Having a description of your character in your book helps the reader to picture them more easily in their minds. *Thumbsup* Excellent!

*Star* I love the images that you create in this. I especially like the image of his eyes - ice, streaks. That's really cool. I thought it was great when he came to school that day with bloody knuckles, and the bully didn't make it in. I thought that was so cleverly written! It's really subtle, but it makes a really clear, strong point. That's so awesome! Very cool.

*Star* I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. Good use of paragraphing.

*Star* I really like the idea behind this piece. It's intriguing, and makes me want to find out more about Phoenix. Who is this boy? Why does he keep himself to himself? Where does he live? Why doesn't he talk? Why doesn't he get on with his classmates? Etc. It's really interesting! That's a really good thing to have in your writing, as it helps to hook your reader - which is vital to have them continue on with your story. Brilliant! (Can't wait to find out what happens next!)

I also have a few suggestions...

*Idea* I think sometimes your sentences are quite long/wordy. Perhaps you could cut down on these slightly? Having shorter sentences (either cutting the sentences down, or breaking them in to several sentences) will help your reader as it puts across simple images or descriptions, etc, and allows the reader time to take it in. By cutting down on your sentences and making each sentence a clear image - you can control exactly what your reader will read, take in and remember from your writing.

For example, instead of writing...

"They were ice blue, but inside the blue, there were streaks of black, contrasting sharply with his light eye color."


...perhaps try something like...

"Inside his ice blue eyes were contrasting streaks of black."


*Idea* This point is actually more of a question. One thing I was thinking as I was reading your story - especially the bit about the teachers being scared of him as well - was how believable it was. If there is a pupil in their class, the teachers have a responsibility to be teaching them...no matter how scary they are. Lol. Also, if Phoenix isn't interested in his school work, why would he bother coming to school at all? Why not bunk off somewhere instead?

As I said, they're more questions than suggestions. I think what I'm trying to say here is that perhaps you need to work slightly here on the structure/story slightly in order to make it as realistic as possible. The reader will suspend their disbelief for you if you ask them (I mean fantasy stories can take place on different worlds!), but within the confines of your story and your world that you create, what you write has to be believable to your reader.

You probably only need another sentence or two, but I had to think about that part a few times which slightly interrupted the story for me as I stopped to question it.

*Idea* Show, don't tell.

SHOW, DON'T TELL

'Show, don't tell' refers to a technique, or style of writing that writers use in order to bring the reader into the story. Through having the reader became part of the story, the writer is able to hook them on their writing so that they won't want to stop reading until they find out what happens at the end of the story. There's a good article on this at http://www.foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html.


So, for example...your first sentence is

"His eyes were amazing."


This is telling. In order to show us that, you would have to describe his eyes in such a way so that the reader can see for themselves that his eyes are amazing. That way, the reader knows it as a fact and you haven't had to tell them.

'His eyes sparkled ice blue in the cool summer sun, as black streaks danced amongst them.


Or something - obviously you know what his eyes look like a lot better than I do! So you can add more detail and 'amazing' descriptions in.

Thank you for seeking out and posting in my review forum! I really hope that you like your review and feel that it is helpful. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions!

Thanks so much for sharing your story, I really enjoyed reading it! I really, really love your imagery and descriptions in your story and think it has a lot of potential!

Thanks again, and good luck with your writing!

All the best,

Jamey. x

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of Fire City  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
To Antonia,

Firstly congratulations on writing a very excellent poem! I loved it soooo much -- I think it's very well written, and I especially loved the imagery that you use within the text to portray your message and images. {/color}

Voice

*Flower3* I love the way that you have written the poem - it's as though it's a monologue (though in thought not dialogue), and as the narrator speaks the reader gets to learn the story.

I think that this is a great technique to have used, and especially in poetry format. Having the poem narrate to the reader automatically sets up the poem as a message, a thought, or as something that is being told...there is a subconsciousness behind it, and as such makes the reader want to read on and find out what it is they have to say.

*Flower3* I love the way that even though there's no dialogue, or any specific characters in the poem it's a conversation. A conversation between the narrator and the reader (...= involves the reader = they want to keep reading!).

Rhyme and Rhythm

{e:flower3) With poetry I think it's sometimes difficult with rhyme to make the poems flow easily and smoothly as rhyming can sometimes interrupt flow of the poem. Having said that, I think that the rhyme in your poem doesn't seem forced at all. In fact, the rhyme that you have used is almost understated, for example...

"The land of the flames rests on hot burning coal,
Their people walk through fire yet never past its zone.
The crackling of fire, I discovered in fact
It's the talking of its native, when together they chat.

The rhymes here are: COAL and ZONE, and FACT and CHAT. When directly compared to each other out of any context these words don't really rhyme. However, in your poem they do seem to, and the subtlety of this adds to the atmosphere and the depth of the poem. The rhyme in your poem seems to add a deeper and underlying sense to the piece which is very present when reading the poem - though not apparent on a surface level, it's on a more emotional and subconscious level that draws the reader in to the writing and makes them want to read on.

Setting and World

{e:flower3) I love the fact that your piece is about a fire in a fireplace. And not only that, but about a city with bright and shooting lights that lives whenever the fire is lit. It's a real escapism and idealistic piece that uplifts the reader and wants to convey to them the same emotions that the narrator feels when they look at the fire. Furthermore it succeeds in doing so - the reader wants the fire to live on, and for this reason I really like how you end the poem...

"I'll tell you this now, when its food burns so bright,
I will make sure that it is never destroyed in the night"{/color}

Images and Language

*Flower3* Your poem has lots of lively and vivid images. As I said before, I love your use of images - I particularly like the way you turn the burning fire into a thriving city with lots of people busily going about their lives. I think it's a really clever idea, and wonderfully carried out. I also really like the image at the end where the narrator will never let the city be "destroyed in the night". Awesome!

{e:flower3) Your use of extended metaphors in this piece are well placed in terms of structure and developing the 'story' within the poem. I think this adds to both the overall sense of the poem (the depth and atmosphere) and the economy of the language.

*Flower3* I like the use of language in the poem and the variety of words that you have chosen. Sometimes poems can be slightly repetitive, or can lack some of the emotion or feeling because the writer hasn't been creative with the use of language and verbs - but you have avoided this, and have added to both the overall sense of the poem and the character of the narrator. In addition, your enthusiasm as the writer has gone through into your writing and is present in your poem - which also help to hook the reader and make them want to keep reading.

*Flower3* Good use of punctuation. No spelling mistakes.

Suggestions

There's really not much here I can comment on for you to improve as I loved it so much! However, there are a couple of things - nothing major - that I noticed which you may wish to alter.

*Flower3* The first thing is the line...

They fly from their city to get some more meat."{/color}

This line stood out to me particularly because of the rhyme at the end -- "meat". The reason for this is that in the subtlety of all the other rhymes in the poem, this one seems more obvious. Even though it follows with the rhyme structure that you have used and also develops the extended metaphor of food (meat), it didn't 'feel' right to me and as such pulled me out of the flow of the poem. Maybe you could change this slightly? Perhaps something like

'They fly from their city to get something to eat'

or something. It's less specific - but you get the idea.

*Flower3* Capitals. You start each line with a capital letter. I know that this is a poem, but it's also 'told' to the reader by the narrator in the poem. Perhaps (and this is just a suggestion) you could have the lines that flow over to the next line not start with capitals, and have it as a running piece. For example, the lines that don't end with a full stop/period. This might help to encourage the flow of the poem as the capitals at the start of each line won't then interupt the 'sentences'.

*Flower3* Occasionally, there's a slight interuption in the rhythm. For example, in the first line of the second stanza it's as though there's one too many words or syllables when compared with the rest of the poem.

{b{"I call it the 'Fire City', because as name implies,
A community forms in seconds before eyes.{/color}

I suggest taking the "the" out and having the line as

"I call it 'Fire City'" - as you've not lost anything by losing the word and it makes the line flow more smoothly. Also, the line then becomes slightly more economical as you're saying the same thing but with less words.

*Flower3* I notice that each of your three stanzas are different lengths and uneven sizes. I like that. Furthermore, I suggest you build on that. The poem is about a fire -- a busy city with burning lights and travelling people in search of food and so on. The way your poem is layed out at the moment is quite formal (with capital letters at the start, eg) and all aligned to the side of the page. What if it wasn't aligned to the side? What if you spread it out over the page? The poem is about a fire, a city, etc -- all of these things are lively and busy and (for want of a better way to say it) 'all over the place'! Why not highlight this by having your poem all scattered and 'all over the place'? Or/and with different text sizes, or colours, etc. You don't have to go crazy with it - it's a great poem just as it is - but if you play around with it you might be able to emphasize the content of the poem with the actual layout and look of the poem itself. Enjoy!



Again, well done for this poem - I really enjoyed reading it! I hope that my comments have been helpful/useful for you on this piece, and best of luck in the contest.

All the best,

Jamey. x{/color}
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow...this is a really strong poem, and the images that you create in this piece are really vivid. I could really feel the emotion coming through the words as I read this - and in response to your posting, I don't think it is too subtle, or too strong - I think that this poem is very well written.

I especially love the layout of the poem - it really adds to the piece. It helps enormously with the tension, and builds on the image that the two characters are separated from each other (when the lines, and stanzas are separated from each other).

One of my favourite parts of this poem is - 'Fought' and 'faught'. It's a great use of onamatopeia, and a great wordplay - that helps to strengthen the image. Fantastic!

I do have a couple of suggestions for things you could do to improve the poem if you wanted to...

WAS!
A couple of times I saw the word 'was' in the poem. If you can, go through and try to take them all out. It's not very economical as it doesn't build on any of the images and so slows the poem down and deteriorates the overall impression of the word use. If you can, try and replace it with more effective verbs, or descriptions.

"One of the ranks of countless men"
I'm not going to say anything about this line that you need to change - I absolutely loved it. It's one of my favourite lines in the poem. From just this line, I got a real impression of the guy that was coming back from the war to be reunited with the woman (which is a major thing) - but how in his uniform, with his injuries or lack of sleep, or whatever - how similar he looked to all of the other men he was amongst. Wow. This is a very powerful line - and is excellent. All I was going to suggest, and you certainly don't have to do this - was to build on it slightly, just one more line perhaps to reinforce the image and the sadness of it.

Punctuation and Capital letters
This was the main thing that I noticed in the poem that you could improve upon if you wanted to. As it reads at the moment, there is not much punctuation in which has the effect of making it read quite quickly (as there is nothing to slow the reader down). I would suggest that you add in some full stops/periods, and commas etc. so that the reader can pause to take a breath in the poem - and that you choose where they pause. By adding breaths and pauses in to your writing you are controlling where the reader stops - and so what images they will linger over the most. This will also help to reinforce your images and any messages in your work to an even greater degree.

Also, at the moment, almost every line starts with a capital letter - just because it is a new line. I'd suggest that you change this and make it so that there are only capital letters after full stops/periods or for names, etc. as this will allow the poem to flow more easily as the start of each line won't be interrupted by a capital letter. It will also make it easier to read for the reader.

Anyway, I thought that this was an excellent poem - and I thank you so much for sharing it. I hope that some of my comments have been helpful, and good luck with your writing!

All the best,

Jamey. x
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Review of Old Winter  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really like this poem, I think the images are really strong, and I like the flowing themes of ice, and colours that you use to reinforce what you are saying and the messages that you put across.

I like the layout, and there's no problems with spelling or grammar that I notice. It's all present which is great for involving the reader (as you show them, not tell them what is happening), and I love the words that you use to create pictures and images in the reader's mind. Excellent!

I have a few suggestions if you wanted to work on it...


It's all mostly punctuation - I think you need more in the poem, as at the moment it flows well, but quite quickly as I felt that I wasn't able to stop for a breath or else I'd miss something, and as a result felt that I rather rushed through the poem. Perhaps you could incorporate some commas and things in to slow the reader down and make sure that they stop and take in every image.

For example:

*Idea* I think you need to put some more punctuation in - e.g. at the beginning, after 'earth'. The first sentence is quite long anyway - and it's as though you meant to put one in here as the next line starts with a capital - so this would give the reader a chance to breathe.

*Idea* And again, something after 'clasps' as otherwise it's too long without a breath for the reader.

*Idea* Also, I think you should alter the bit with "moon that hangs" to something like...

'...moon,
and that hangs...'


*Idea* Also, but not as importantly - maybe something after 'iodine'?

*Idea* The sentence after that, I think you should consider revising as well. At the moment, you've written...

"And everything that reminds me of him anymore"

I'm not sure if you mean everything reminds you of him, or nothing reminds you of him anymore.

*Idea*The bit where you say...

"can't see my reflection in the ice-black lake water..."

I think that you need to give the reader a breath in here - but that it's hard to put in punctuation because of the way you've set it up. I really like your idea of combining the two sentences, but I really think that you need to put in a place for the reader to pause.

e.g.

reflection in the ice.
Black lake water


reflection in the ice, black.
Lake water

etc. etc. etc. If you can put in a breath without taking out the ambiguity of the combined sentences then that would be better still!

*Idea*it's just not worth it comma


Excellent poem, thanks for letting me read it! Good luck with all of your writing!

Write on!

Jamey. x
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Review of Streetlight  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Fabulous. I loved reading this - especially the layout and structure that you've incorporated into this piece. I like the 'collage' feel of the words and how they are spread across the page - it emphasizes the different strengths and meanings of each piece. I also love the images that you use, and how you put together words that I wouldn't have before thought of as going together - great idea to create images.

The punctuation and grammar is all fine, and I didn't notice any spelling mistakes.

Excellent work! Well done - I really enjoyed reading this, so thanks so much for sharing.

Jamey. x
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Review of Whitesong Series  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi The Septentrionne,

Thanks for reviewing my chapter excerpt (The Dragon's Message) the other day. I really appreciate all your useful comments - and the next part is now up and posted!

As promised, I thought I'd return the favour and review one of your pieces - so I thought I'd do this one. I'll just do the prologue for now, and then review the first chapter separetely. Also, I'm going to read it and make comments as I go along. I hope this is all okay.

"Prologue and all characters Copyright.
Erin Pfeiffer, 2005."
Cool.

"It is suggested by many an old farmer’s wife that the faerie forests have a bit of a mind of their own. Glintyrd specifically had a habit of ‘wandering about’, as the villagers in the outlying areas called it – the border to the wood never seemed to stay where it was supposed to be. But the villagers never set foot into the forest themselves, so no one really knew what it was the forest was doing. As it happened, the Wood itself DID move. But it moved a great deal more than a few feet or so. In fact, every month or two, the whole forest got up and took a walk of about two thousand miles, where it often settled in the heart of some other nonmagical forest, scaring the wits out of unsuspecting woodsmen and unleashing all manner of unusual creatures on the indigenous population."
This is a good start to the story. It introduces the style of the rest of the story, the types of settings we can expect in the rest of the story. I love the image of the forest getting up on its own and going for a walk, and startling the woodsmen who stumble upon it. That's a really clever idea and it's a great way of hooking the reader into the story - I want to know more about it. What makes the forest move? How do the woodsmen deal with it? How does everything end up? Etc. Excellent!

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* The only thing that I would say so far, is that this is mostly telling, not showing. This isn't a major problem at the start of a book - or even in an entire prologue, but it helps to draw the reader into the story faster and helps to keep them interested as they also experience what happens to the characters, as well as the characters themselves. If this is going to be a novel - you might want to try to incorporate this idea (if you've already done this after here, then just ignore me!!).

"The Vale of Stars, the heart of Glintyrd, was rumored a place of peculiar power and personality. Often the Vale was referred to as 'She' by those who visited, prompting magicians and philosophers of all sorts to claim anyone calling the Vale a ‘she’ must surely have met it’s guardian spirit, a dryad of some considerable power. The visitors knew better."
Okay, good. I like how you embody the 'Vale of Stars' as a magical person, woman, and how you link this in with the forest of the first paragraph through the images of dryads. Very cool!

As with the first paragraph, it all flows well and there are no glaring spelling or grammar mistakes.

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* "was". This goes hand in hand with 'show, not tell'. You should try not to have 'was' in your writing as it isn't effective, and doesn't involve you reader.

For example...

'The castle was at the top of the hill, where wild grasses swayed in the wind.'

'The castle stood at the top of the hill, where wild grasses swayed in the wind.'

Very similar sentences, but taking the 'was' out, makes it more visible an image to the reader - and 'shows' the reader what the image is, not 'tells' them.

One technique used to incorporate this is: when you've written you're manuscript - print it off (as it's easier to do on paper), then read through it and circle every single 'was'. Once you've done that - rewrite each one of the sentences where it appears so that you remove the word entirely.

Obviously, there are times when you just absolutely can use no other word and 'was' is what you have to write - but try to use it as little as possible.

"The land itself seemed full of life, speaking to them through their memories and imaginations like a vivid, drug-induced vision. Everyone emerged from the place breathless and euphoric, flushed in the face and sweating in the very particular fashion of a newly-deflowered virgin, leading to much speculation about the nature and intent of the Vale’s guardian.

Still others believed that people who emerged from the place were mad, or even that it didn’t exist.

But Kiris Kenaughy knew better....he knew there was really something in the forest, because he had seen it."
Hey cool - we've met our first character! This is all fine.

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* Well the main thing is the showing and telling. I know I've already said it, so I won't keep going on about it - but I think it could really help your story if you used it. From what I've read so far I really like your story, and I think all the images are wonderful (especially the forest getting up and walking around - lol, I love that!) - but if you showed your actions, etc. then it would be easier for the reader to become immersed in your story - and even for you to include lots of details and things.

*Idea* The other thing is the sentence where we meet Kiris. This is cool. I think where you've put "...." though, you could just swap for a "." and make it into two sentences, rather than one. I think this would work, and would be easier on the reader. Also, I like that we know already that he has seen what others doubt. However, I think you could alter this by showing it through dialogue with another character? Or through him thinking and so the reader can see his thoughts. Other than that - perhaps you could have a flashback, where he relives seeing the creature (even if it's short) so that the reader can experience it - and can then know absolutely that it exists. The problem with telling is that you have to ask the reader to trust you that it will be a good story - rather than if you show them right from the start that it will be.

"A child of perhaps eleven years, Kiris was often very lonely. Most other children wanted nothing to do with him, as he was a natural lycanthrope. At all times he sported a pair of doglike black ears and fangs, along with a fluffy wolf-tail of the same hue of umber. This oddity seemed to bother his parents not at all, though rumors flew about his mother. A strange and secretive woman, the villagers muttered behind their hands that she must be a lycan herself, or worse, have had relations with a wolf or....gods forbid it, a werewolf! "
Excellent! Another hook - story takes an unexpected twist. I certainly wasn't thinking that Kiris was going to be part wolf, or werewolf! Very cool image! And, it works well with what you have written alredy in the rest of the story - so very cool. This is also good, as it sets up what his 'image' is in the view of the public - and how wolves (esp. werewolves) are perceived in the society that they are in. Fantastic.

Liked the description as well.

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* Perhaps Kiris can hear the children chanting even now, through his thoughts?

*Idea* "This oddity seemed to bother his parents not at all"

Hmm. This sentence seemed to really stand out to me, and kind of interupted the flow of the rest of the story. Perhaps you could reword it slightly?

e.g. 'This oddity did not seem to bother his parents'

"Kiris, generally misunderstood, was given to the monastery of Gregory Veihari at an early age."
I love all these names that you use!

*Idea*How was he misundersood? About what? Why?

One of the creative writing techniques I was taught as a part of my degree was to always ask 'Why?'. Even if it's silly...

Why is he called Kiris?
Because his parents liked the name
Why?
Because they had a heroic friend/relative when they were younger called Kiris, who died trying to protect them
Why?
He felt that...

You get the idea. Even if you never use it in your story, at least you know it. When you can answer loads of questions like these all the way through - you know that you know absolutely everything there is to know about your story - and so you can write it in every detail, can show it to the reader *Smile*, and can draw them into it so far that they will not be able to do anything until they have finished your story.

"His mother hoped his animal nature would be more at home in the Myssan Wood if he could live at the monastery with others like him. For the most part it worked, but Kiris still harbored a natural wanderlust that couldn’t be contained. Luckily, the Headmaster of his school was used to cases like Kiris’, and thus allowed the boy one day a week to wander free in the neighboring forests."
Okay, cool. This is good. We're learning more about Kiris' past and his situation - and so we can tell already that we'll soon join him for the rest of the story. Good!

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* Maybe you could go a bit more in depth about his mother giving him to the Monastery - it must have been a major sacrifice for her, and Kiris too, must have had really strong feelings about it. How does he feel about his mother now? Does he see the monastery as his home? Maybe some thoughts, or even flashback here would be good - as it would give the reader some more insight into Kiris' past, or/and into his thoughts and feelings.

*Idea* Why is the headmaster used to cases like Kiris'? Are there lots of students like him? Has he been in the school for a long time, and has come across several cases in his time at the school? Does he have some personal experience like Kiris does? What does Kiris do in the woods? Maybe you could put some more detail in here. *Question*

"Lately Kiris had heard a story about one of his Master’s former students, a feline shapeshifter called Silas. Intrigued by his similarity to the cat-monk, Kiris listened with awe as another monk explained that Silas vanished almost eleven years ago into the forest and never returned. The bald-headed man whispered to his companion that it was rumored Silas still lived in the forest as a wild beast, hunting and roaming free, terrorizing the villagers."
Right - so this is the experience that the headteacher had with cases like Kiris'. Fine. *Smile* Good! And we've met another character - who might be this strange creature that we know is in the forst because Kiris saw it...dah da duh! Good - we're finding out more about the story, what we can expect to find out from the rest of the story - and who the characters we can expect to meet are. Excellent!

"As he listened, Kiris realized he’d heard the story before – some of the brothers used Silas’ tale as a horror-story (claiming he devoured foolish apprentices who wandered into his territory late at night) in an attempt to keep novices inside the gates."
Lol. Very good image - I like the idea of a "cat-monk" creature devouring foolish apprentices who wonder into his land at night. Strange as I am. *Wink*

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* Maybe we could hear one of this stories about Silas that Kiris used to be told? Again, through thought or dialogue would probably be best. It would involve the reader more - and would 'show' them what is happening, as well as allow them to get to know Kiris better.

"But Kiris, unafraid and curious about the truth of the story, bounded out immediately to try and find the so-called “killer of Myssan Wood”. "
*Shock* You should definitely put in what the stories Kiris heard about Silas were - it would help a lot with building the tension and atmosphere surrounding Silas, the "kill of Myssan Wood".

"That morning he wandered much farther than ever before from the monastery gates, confident he could find the fabled Brother Terran."
Good. You've moved the story on a bit - Kiris is going out to find another character. Good. Also, he takes a step out of his ordinary life as he goes the furthest he's ever been - which is good in building tension and atmosphere in the story, and for the character. Also, it shows the reader that the character is strong and determined to complete his story goal. Kiris' goal is to: find Silas, and find out if he is the creature in the forest that has been terrorizing the villagers. Excellent! Write on!

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*
I'm tempted to write 'why did he wander much farther than ever before', but the answer is because he is confidence that he could find Brother Terran.

*Idea* So, instead, why is finding Brother Terran so important? Why is he so confident that he can find him - why can't he wait until the Brother returns to the monastery (or visits...), etc.

Wandering further than you've ever gone before isn't something that 'just happens' generally, especially not in a book, so you need to put in some reasons here - either give Kiris a reason or two why he needs to go further than he's ever gone before to find the Brother, or show the reader his reasons if he has them already. Looking for him on the off-chance that he can help him either find, or give him any advice/information on Silas won't be enough for your reader.

*Idea* Also, how does Kiris feel going further than he's ever been before? Does he get lost? What makes him so confident that he can find the Brother - what happens if he doesn't find him? Will he just return home? (I assume at the moment, that he will find him) - but just add in some more details here to pull the reader into what is happening - make it so that they can really picture what is happening.

*Idea* Why is Brother Terran fabled? Why is he so important? Why does Kiris want to find him?

I'm not trying to be annoying...honest. *Pthb*


"The temperature was neither here nor there, as it was an early hour in late spring."
I'm not entirely sure what this means - appologies if I'm being thick. I assume it means that it's not much to speak of - but it could be grey and drizzly, but otherwise fine - or it could be that the weather is all over the place (sunny one minute, then cold and raining the next..."neither here nor there"). Maybe you could rephrase this slightly to clarify. Also, how does this affect Kiris? Does it slow him down at all?

"Dew coated the grass and most everything else,"
...which is what? Instead of saying everything else, say what everything else is: trees, houses, park bench, broken concrete slabs, etc. It helps to build a picture of where the character is for the reader - and so helps them to become more involved in the story.

E.g. you could say something like...

'Kiris looked over at a nearby evergreen as he passed it, the leaves and branches gleaming in the early morning dew as the sun began to stretch high into the sky.' ...or something. You get the idea.

"...making the land almost unbearably bright with twinkling water-prisms, and a gentle breeze set everything to swaying. Things seemed to be going well, and he fell into a puppyish, lolling walk with his ears pricked into the breeze joyfully."
What a wonderful image - "twinkling water-prisms", lovely! I get a sense of a real spectrum of colours here, with dewy leaves and splashing puddles. Very, very cool.

"But things did not continue so serenely."
Good...and bad...bad because you kind of want things to all be fine for everyone, everywhere all at the same time(well I do anyway, lol)- but good, because it helps IMMEASURABLY with the story.

I read a short story once - basically, what happened was a man walked up a hill, then he walked back down again. It focused mainly on his internal struggle - I don't remember exactly, he'd just come out of a bad relationship, or lost a relative or something - but when the author had a choice of either the character carrying on things as normal, or making the character go off on some crazy adventure - he decided to make things carry on as normal. Which was nice, but not much of a story. Consequently, the guy just walks up a hill, then walks back down again.

So, when things don't go "as serenely" for Kiris - good. It means that he's embarking on his 'crazy adventure', like the guy in the hill story didn't. Fantastic!

"About three miles from the monastery a strange chill crept up his back, as though he were being watched."
Hmm. I like this. Maybe you could add in little details like everyone he passes looks at him as if watching him, or he sees a pair of eyes in a bush or something that vanish when he spots them...or, maybe everything he looks at could have eyes. The animals, the plants, the buildings, the churches (e.g. bells or something). Just an idea. Think it would help if you could expand on this as it would help to increase the tension, and even the mystery within the story.

"The forest shifted under his feet, a rise and fall like breathing. As he crested the nearby rise at an easy run, his wolf’s paws pounding under him, he found suddenly that he was sliding down a grassy hill towards a tree-splattered grotto."
Hmm, this is okay. I like the image of the forest in- and exhaling under his feet. You can almost feel that as you read.

*Idea* I think maybe you could add some more detail to when he slides down the hill though? It's just that he's running through the forest and then suddenly he's falling down a hill, which is cool - but perhaps you could say that he slips on something? Or he trips over a branch or something like that? It's just that where you say 'he found himself falling' doesn't really work for me - when I fall over, I always know why. I slip on something, I trip over something else, I lose my balance on something. I don't just fall over and suddenly realise that I am on my way towards the ground - it's not...dramatic...enough. I love the image of him running and then falling down a grassy hill - it almost increases the urgency within the story - but I really think it would help if the reader could see why he fell, even if we don't know exactly.

I.e. he could trip, feeling his back paw collide with something heavy - and then when he's recovered from his fall, get up and go see what it was.

"Tumbling into a nearby bush, his large pup’s paws lost all control and tangled into his legs and tail. Aching and confused by the sudden change in terrain, and the strange movement of the earth, he lay very still for many long moments and tried to sort himself out."
Cool. Good. Love how he gets all confused about the sudden change in terrain. Lol - I can really imagine that, and I like how you portray him pausing where he is, and how he stays on the ground for a moment.

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* How he tries to sort himself out. Show, not tell. What does he do exactly to sort himself out? Does his rub his eyes? Look at the burning pain on his elbow where he discovers a graze? I think you should show what he does here to the reader - they went through the fall as well, they will want to know how they end up.

"Again, the odd shiver touched him. Pulling free of his own tail, he lifted his ears at the sound of approaching pawfalls. Who could be out here? Just an animal, of course nothing else could – ! But Kiris had no time to finish his thought, for in the clearing something truly unusual appeared. Tall, and walking on two legs like a man, was a cat. Or rather....a man.....no, a cat? Kiris' nose was useless in telling the difference, and his eyes didn’t do much better. As he watched, the cat-man in flowing red robes padded over to a figure on the ground. Kiris hadn’t even seen that one.....it was sprawled out on a mossy bed of grass, pale compared to the green, and smelled strongly of chill winter storms. Glancing back up to the man approaching, Kiris was shocked to see that he no longer appeared at all catlike. In place of the snout and ears that sprouted from the strange red-black hair, there were normal human ears; the long swaying tail vanished from sight."
Right. Excellent! We learn a lot here. This is all good - like the descriptions, and I like the way the cat-figure seems to transform before Kiris' eyes, without actually doing it - one minute he's part cat, the next he isn't! Very cool idea!

*Idea* Suggestions *Idea*

*Idea* Put thoughts in italics. It helps to separate them from the rest of the text, and so it is easier for the reader to interpret what is happening. Other that that, put them in 'inverted commas' and write, 'he said', 'she said', 'they said', etc. afterwards.

*Idea* How does Kiris feel confronted with all of this? How does he react to the cat figure? Does he just sit there dumbfounded, or does he suddenly get all protective, etc.

There was something else I was going to say here, but I've just forgotten what it is. I'll let you know if I remember it.


"Perplexed, Kiris hushed his breath and stared on anxiously. The man moved gracefully, a contradiction to his leggy resemblance to an underfed crane. He approached like a sneak-thief, and was leaning down towards the woman when a thought struck Kiris like a thunderbolt. The story the monk told at the monastery....the description of Silas.... this man’s features.....! It had to be!"
Loving the descriptions here...I really like your use of words and language - it's very powerful and creates some really wonderful images...

E.g. "The man moved gracefully, a contradiction to his leggy resemblance to an underfed crane" *Exclaim*

and

"He approached like a sneak-thief" *Exclaim*

Very cool! Excellent. And he thinks he's found Silas.

"Shocked, Kiris nearly let out a wolfish cough, and stifled it barely in time."
Show this. How do we know he nearly did this?

'Shocked, Kiris stifled a wolfish cough, and...'

etc.

"He leaned over to see just what it was Silas reached for. At this new angle, a flash of light caught on the woman’s locket and glistened brightly in the early-morning sun. Blinded, Kiris turned his head away to paw at his eyes for the briefest moment. When he looked up again, the tanned hand of the shapeshifter was drifting dreamily towards the silver sparkle. A chill seemed to take the clearing, and a northerly wind picked up, ruffling Kiris’ fur. He felt a shudder of foreboding."
Good descriptions here. The reader can really see what is happening, and is going on - and they can get a good sense of Kiris wanting to be careful around Silas.

*Idea* 'Was'!!!!

*Idea* Kiris "ruffling Kiris' fur" - should be ''ruffling his fur'.

Good.

"Worried for the man’s safety, he almost barked for the second time that day, but the odd twirling of the two scents kept him silent. Something great and terrible was about to happen, he knew....he could feel it, like a crackling of distant thunder under his paw-pads. And then the man was kneeling, his hand brushing the silver of the locket......

A flash of heat passed over Kiris and he suddenly felt terribly embarrassed, as though he were looking in on something he should not. Naked and terrified, he backed away out of the bush, catching a last glimpse of the man’s slack-jawed face and the now-open, deep blue eyes of the woman, her pursed lips, her curves....Kiris shook his head. She was some kind of terrible harpy, or seductress.....horrified, he turned tail and dashed away from the grotto as fast as his legs could carry him, running just ahead of the heavy thunder-clouds that seemed to boil outward from the place, releasing a thick and painful sleet that slammed down in unforgiving waves to the earth just behind his heels."
Hey wow, this is very cool. There's some good actions and descriptions here - they really pull the reader into the story and flow quite fast. I love reading stories that do that - so excellent!


I thoroughly enjoyed reading this prologue! You have a wonderful way with words, and I love the different images that you create. There are no spelling or glaring grammatical errors, and you have a good understanding of paragraphs.

You have clearly thought about and planned your story, as your structure is well-formed and your story is economical with themes and images running continuously all the way through - with helps to emphasize the images and keeps a good link.

Thank you so much for sharing this - I will read and comment on your first chapter as well, and want to know how things end up! You'll have to let me know when you've posted more of the story on here.

I hope that some of my comments were helpful - they're obviously just suggestions, though I think that if you used the show, not tell technique then all of the other things I've suggested (e.g. details) would come naturally to that.

I wish you all the best with your story, and good luck with the rest of your writing.

Hope to see you around the site.

Write on!

Jamey. x
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, this is a really cool poem. I really like what you have done here - and I think it is very effective.

I like the way you've made it rhyme, and the way that you've made it really short. It all works together to make it strong, and to make the last couplet all the more powerful.

This is really good, thanks for letting me read it. *Delight*

Excellent work - keep writing!

All the best,

Jamey. x
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Delight*I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem - I think it is excellent. Thanks for making it available.

Keep writing - you have a special talent.

All the best,

Jamey. x
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Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Worthwhile, and encouraging both for the reviewer and the author who receives the review. Also helps to create friendships and trust between the writing.com community.

Excellent idea.
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Review of Inflicted Pain  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
INFLICTED PAIN

Why do people have to inflict pain?
is it for their reckless gain?

Okay, cool. Good start - already establishing the form of the poem.

I like the idea of starting the poem with a question - and a thought-provoking one at that. Unfortunately, people do inflict pain, and acknowledging that fact through the use of a question gives it a deeper and more emotional impact on the reader. Good work.

The 'is' at the start of the second line should start with a capital 'Is'.

---

"Why did he have to do this to me?
I felt as if he stabbed me in the heart and left me to bleed."

This stanza is introducing the reader to the character in the poem - the narrator/author. Good1 *Smile*

This is much more personal and specific than the first stanza, so we get a much clearer impression of how the character is feeling.

Good use of imagery - what the character is feeling is quite graphic, which is good as it helps the reader to understand the emotion.

Poems work best through their use of images - they generally aren't enormously long, and so don't have as many words as a story to get the message behind them across to the reader. As such, images are the best way of communicating with the reader. So this is good - and expresses the emotions clearly.

As if being 'stabbed in the heart' wasn't bad enough, the person who stabbed her was the person she loved - and then he left her to bleed. This helps the reader to understand her torment, and the utter sorrow that she is going through. Well done, clearly expressed.

Maybe you should reconsider the 'I felt as if' at the beginning of the second line though - the line is quite long and perhaps would be better shortened. Also, by losing these words the sentence has not lost any of it's meaning, and in fact the image increases in intensity.

E.g.

"I felt as if he stabbed me in the heart and left me to bleed."

"He stabbed me in the heart and left me to bleed."

The image is now much stronger, yet it still has exactly the same meaning and inference of the first one (the reader feels that he stabbed her in the heart and left her to bleed). {c/}

---

"Inflicted pain.
Fire and rain."

This is interesting. It's different again to the two previous stanzas. It's very short and concise - and much more abstract than the others.

This is good as it creates the impression that the poem is the characters' thoughts and feelings, and not something she is either saying or writing down. Excellent!

Fire and rain are two opposites - dry and wet, hot and cold, etc. So this demonstrates the character feeling that she (herself) and the person she loves are very different. This is good - it heightens her sorrow (and anger!) at losing him, and suggests that she feels strongly that how could he have done this to her, as she would never have done it to him. Excellent effect.{c/}

---

"Please let me disappear so i won't see you again."

'i' should be a capital.

I like this bit. It's totally different again. Maybe you could intensify this by altering it's alignment from the rest of the poem.

The character wants to disappear so that she can no longer see the man that she loves, and so that he can't see her. She doesn't want him to see her sad, alone, and broken - and she doesn't want to see him if she can't be with him, and after all that he has done to her.

I like the idea of putting this in as one line - it's like a stray thought crossing through her mind - interrupting whatever it was she was thinking about before - it's distracting her. *Delight* Fantastic! {c/}

---

"Why did he fall for her?
Why did I think he was my one and only for sure?"

Here's where the reader finds out what he did to upset the character. He's gone off with someone else. Here the reader can start to truly sympathise for the character as now that know what has happened to upset her.
She also begins to blame herself - an unfortunate, albeit common, process that people who go through this tend to go through.

Well done for this - I think you communicate what she is feeling here clearly. {c/}

---

"Well, now I'm wrong once again.
Because of you, you inflicted my pain."

Okay, cool.

I think you should take out the 'now'. I don't think you need it, and I think the couple would probably read slightly easier without it.

Also, maybe put a comma or dash (or something) after 'wrong'? I think this would help to emphasise the 'once again', and therefore make the audience/reader further sympathise with the the character - which is good. The more 'connected' the reader feels to the character, the more the poem means to them.

E.g.

"Well, I was wrong - once again."
"Well, I was wrong, once again."
Etc.

This is good though - it's almost like a turning point in the 'story'. The character begins to blame the man for what she has gone through and what she feels.

I'm not sure the 'because' at the start of the second line is the best way of demonstrating this - can you swap this for something different?

E.g.
"Because of you. You inflicted my pain."

"It was you. You inflicted my pain."
"You did this. You inflicted my pain."
"How could you? You inflicted my pain."

...and so on. I just think that it creates a greater effect in the reader, and it follows on better from the previous stanza (but it's still cool, even if you don't do this! *Smile* ). {c/}

---

"Now I'm gasping for my every breath, trying to pray to God to let my tears go away."

Excellent. Another one-liner. This is cool.

This is good - you can sense that she's really upset here. She's crying so hard in fact that she's gasping for breath - excellent concept/image!

All I'd suggest it to maybe change the layout, but this is all cool. {c/}

---

"I just hope I can live without him 'till the next day."

...and again! Excellent - really gives the impression of the characters' thoughts.

If you do change the alignment - make this one different from the one above.

You don't need a ' before 'till' (only when abbreviating 'until' - 'til.)

Wondering if she'll even survive until the next day - a sad concept. {c/}

---

"To tell you about me laying in bed.
Unbearable pain inside of my head."

'Laying' = lying.
What's the pain from? Maybe you could add a couple of words to clarify this? Or perhaps switch it for a different one - sorrow, misery, torment, etc.
{c/}
---

"Well now I know that I was a fool.
For taking a chance and falling for you."

Good!!
It should be a comma after 'fool' though, not a full stop. {c/}

---

"Now i lived my life in vain.
My heart is dead from the fire and rain."

Again - there should be a comma at the end of the first line, not a full stop/period.

Also, I think the 'i' should either be "I've", or "that I've".

This is good though - and I like the link back to 'fire and rain'!! Excellent! *Delight* {c/}

---

"That is how you inflicted my pain."

Excellent work. Cool idea using the title of the poem, both throughout the poem and at the end of the last line!! *Smile* Very good. {c/}

---

Good! This is a very emotional poem with a lot of strong feelings in it. The character's feelings and thoughts come out very clearly and the reader can sympathise with what she has been through and how she feels. Excellent! *Smile*

I also think that this poem has fantastic potential - and is capable of greater depth and intensity, merely by building on what you have already done.{c/}

(1) Set some constraints. {c/}
Constraints in poetry are the tools that the author uses to build the poem. These constraints can be whatever you want them to be, but they must be followed exactly throughout the poem for them to have any effect. For example, you could begin each line with 'I wish...', or 'Why did you...'. Alternatively, you could use a colour in the second line of every stanza. Perhaps your constraints would be
a) Each line must begin with 'You'.
b) Each stanza must contain a type of animal.
c) The poem must use extended metaphors.

Maybe you want every other line to rhyme.

You can use however many constraints you like in your poems if you choose to use them, but it's generally best to keep between one and six per poem.

Maybe your constraints culd be that there's at least one image in each stanza, and that it's displayed as though it's the characters' thoughts.
{c/}

(b)(u)Or alterntively(b/)(u/)

(2) Change the presentation of the poem. Perhaps make it look more like a 'word collage'. (This sounds a little strange, but looks very effective once finished!! *Smile*) E.g. a couple of times in your poem, you have a stanza that is only one line long. Why not align these stanzas to the right instead? It would change the look of the poem - and make it look slightly more random (as though symbolic of the thoughts rushing through the characters' mind). I think this would completely change the depth and increase the intensity of the poem - as not only the words, but also the presentation would represent what the character is feeling and thinking througout the course of the poem.

Maybe you could centre some of the other stanzas?

There's millions of ways to play around with the presentation of poems - and as it is poetry, anything goes. For example, perhaps each line has exactly six words on it - regardless of whether the sentence or thought is finished or not. Maybe there's no capital letters.

Perhaps other random thoughts drift over the page - that at first glance don't really have much at all to do with the poem.

Whatever. You get what I mean. *Smile*

Well done for your poem, and thanks for letting me read it. Good luck for whatever you choose to do with it.

I think it's a very strong, and emotional poem - and most certainly has a lot of potential. I wish you all the best with the poem and keep writing! *Smile*

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Thanks.

Best Wishes, {c/}

Jamey. x *Delight*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of That October  Open in new Window.
Review by Amelia Capponi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow. Emotional and moving, yet sad, story.

I lost my grandfather last November, and I think you have described more or less all the emotions and thoughts that I went through very well - the numbness, giving way to guilt, the solid, brave outer image that you put across to everyone else, the "private guilt". It's a really sad time - and you go through lots of emotions, which I think you clearly illustrate in your writing.

At the time I was away at university - I had only started my course about two months earlier, but I was living away from home and so wasn't 'with' everyone else as much as they all were - I put on a 'brave face' for others, as your character does for her family.

"There was no circle of friends to shelter me,"
As your character was away at college she didn't have her family around her, the friends had to come and get her - fetch her once she had been summoned home. The people she knew at her college perhaps she hadn't known long enough to talk to, or maybe she just didn't feel comfortable talking to others full stop. Maybe it was all just too early to talk and she was still in shock. I understand that though, the people I was with at uni I had only known for a short while - I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about what had happened - and indeed I didn't until I had to go home for the funeral.

"...long after shock had given way to the tide of tears. "
Powerful statement. Honest flow of emotion. Good!

"Some stories one is never ready to hear."
I think this quote can conjure up thousands of images all on it's own - it's very strong, and is true also. People are never ready to hear that someone they love has died.

"I ran the scene through my mind continually, blanks and all, like some yet to be deciphered message."
Good - powerful imagery, can almost feel and see the memory flashbacks in the character, reliving bits she remembers, missing the bits she doesn't know. The reader can imagine what the character is seeing - even if she puts in a 'false' memory or event, just to make sense of all of the others.

"...brought back home into the circle of pain. There were so many questions in my head, pushed back to where they burned. I doled out my strength bit by bit until I had none left for myself. My grief had to go scavenging for comfort – begging in dark automobiles “please, just make me feel something again…anything…” I was afraid I’d gone dead inside."
Again, I think this is very strong imagery - and the feeling behind it is powerful as well. You know that the character feels really bad and miserable about what has happened, and 'dark', 'scavenging' 'begging' and 'dead inside' are all very vivid yet bleak images. The desperation of the character comes across - by ignoring her grief and her own feelings made them that much worse, and they built up, but were still buried deep inside her. Pushed aside so that she could deal with her family ("I grew adept at putting on my brave face.").

"I felt ashamed that I had no tears for you back then, just an overwhelming sense of what had to be done and who had to be comforted."
This quote shows that the character feels guilty - about not being as upset as she could have been, at being strong for everyone else and not showing her own grief. When my grandad died I did the same thing - I was strong for everyone else, comforting them and ignoring how I felt. It's overbearing then when you have to face it and you feel guilty for not being 'sad enough'. I think you illustrate this point very well.

"Why was it still so surreal for me? What did I need to break open? Too grieve for you?"
Should be spelt 'to'. Two 'Os' are for when there is an amount of something - too much, etc (e.g. too many numbers, or too little time). :D

I like the way you've taken what you see in the garden - 'the blood' staining the grass and the walls and also used it at the beginning. It makes it prominent - it's always there. You also emphasise this in your story as well by saying that "Once I saw it, I saw it everywhere, around me". I think this is good - it mirrors the feelings and emotions you go through, the pain, the guilt - always around.

"Your “best girl” was strong and kind that afternoon grandpa. Somehow I managed to move again, I frantically clawed the earth for loose dirt and grass, I covered everything I could before my grandmother came out and found me."
I think this bit is good as well as it reflects what the character in the story is feeling and is trying to do - again, linking to earlier in the story when the character is just a 'rented shoulder' for others to cry on. By concealing as much of the blood and evidence as she could from sight, she is protecting her family and her grandmother from having to see it - from hurting more than they already do. It's sad, but it shows very well how the character is feeling and how she feels about her family.

"By the time she saw it, most of it was already gone, buried. The pain and guilt choked me there in the afternoon sun, I was afraid to speak the rest of the day, afraid of what would come out. Inside me, the numbness had given way to a very private and personal grief."
This bit is also good - even though she felt that she had to cover the evidence, claw through the loose dirt to protect her grandmother - she felt horrible and guilty about what she had done. It's only after she has done this that her own pain really begins to set in - before she had been consoling her family and trying to ignore her own feelings, originally masked by the numbness she obtained through the shock.

The quote, "Inside me, the numbness had given way to a very private and personal grief." seems very real to me - when my grandfather died there was this overriding sense of numbness - that it didn't really happen, and soon enough someone was going to tell me that it had all been a mistake and he wasn't really gone after all. Not very likely, and really unbelievable - but it's how I felt - like it wasn't true. You say somewhere in your story that the character was searching for proof that it had happened - I was searching for proof that it hadn't happened. Anyway, as soon as the numbness wore off - which I must admit took a few months, the grief was very strong...and very private. I didn't share with anyone how I really felt. So I think this part of the story is very true, and worded incredibly well to give across the correct emotion(s) of how she is feeling.

"I feel your lost most poignantly I think"
Lost should be changed for 'loss'.

Wonderful story - I think that you illustrate and depict the raging emotions and bitter sadness that we feel when we lose somebody we love. I think that this is a very strong and powerful story. Thank you for sharing it.

I hope I was helpful.

Jamey. x
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