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Review of Harshest Critic  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Soooo know this one. The trick is to try to ignore her on her evil days and replace her voice a little at a time. My harshest critic talks with my dad's voice, but she is still me.

A good poem. The only thing that occured to me as I read it was that instead of repeating the first two stanzas in the third, that I would have loved to get a glimpse into the narrator... to see why she thinks that 'she' comes at her from both directions. Good job.
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Review of All I Really Want  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I give this a 5 because I wouldn't change anything. I think about all those things... and there was a time that all I wanted to do was die. But, then I found light and learned how to laugh again, and here I am and all I want to do is live...

*Wink* Perhaps I should write a companion piece for this one. LOL Nah, that's your job.

Great, moving poem that led me from the seemingly inane to the deeply profound. I love it when a poem takes me on a journey! Great job.

BTW. returning your reward points. *Wink*
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Review of Golden  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A very short short story. *Smile* But effective. I have a couple of suggestions to make it a little more effective.

*Smile* Amazing, he thought, after all this time ... This could go without the 'he thought' and have more emotional impact. Amazing, that after all this time... If you wanted, you could italicize it, but it doesn't need to be.

*Smile*her eyes still shine -- This is okay as is, but with a story this short, you want to get all you can out of every word. 'Still shine' makes me wonder what they are shining with? Life? Love? Both? Maybe instead of shine, you could tell us what he sees in them. This would also give us a deeper connection to the relationship between these two people. Shine doesn't draw me into their bond. Since that bond will be broken in a moment, you want the reader to see and feel it. *Smile*

*Smile* he breathed. -- You can't really breathe dialogue. "He said, a pained sigh escaping on the tail of his words"... Yeah, that's kind of cheesey, but maybe show us through action rather than a dialogue tag that he is in a great deal of pain.

*Smile*He turned away from the needle -- He doesn't actually turn away from the needle. He looks away from it. Pack this with emotion. Does he look away, his eyes seeking the gaze he had cherished for fifty years? That sort of thing. This is his last moment. Put yourself in it and try to feel what he is feeling, and ask yourself what your last actions and last thoughts would be.

*Heart* I love the repetition of the thought about her eyes. Good stuff

*Smile* She said, “Love of my life, love of my life,” and with a final kiss reached to close his eyes. -- This sentence needs to be broken after she speaks with a period, and then there needs to be some action separating her kiss from reaching up to close his eyes. The way it is now, it sounds like her kiss reached up to close his eyes. *Smile*

My only other suggestion to add an emotion punch would be to bring in the anniversary again at the end.

Great job. Keep writing.
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Review of The Watercourse  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. This is another great story. The only difficulty I had with it was the Point of View. It moved around so much and in places things were worded so that I thought I must be reading Penny's point of view, but the words make it seem as if she is thinking about herself. Here is an example:

The loss behind Penny’s eyes showed like an open wound; her whole body trembled and shook -- I thought I was in Penny's head until I read this. Then I had to adjust to figuring out where I was.

As well the passage where the mother dies seems to be from her point of view in places.

This is a super story that I would have foudn easier to read if I hadn't had the confusion. If I had been in someone's head the whole time and saw the tale through their eyes alone, it would have let me be submersed (bad pun) in the story without jarring me out of it.

Once again, excellent read. Thanks for sharing.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a lovely poem and tribute. The line Right now you don't seem to be too far away has an awkward feel. It is because of the repeated to too. I would suggest, 'right now you don't seem too far away.'

As well, all poems need some punctuation. Periods and commas signal to the reader to stop and take a breath or to pause. Without it, the poem reads as one long sentence. Everywhere you end a sentence, put in a period. Between heart and it still hurts I would use a semi colon because the ideas are linked.

Excellent job and a beautiful poem. Kim
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Review of Rant on Less  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
OMG *Laugh* *Laugh* This killed me. Up with NAG! Can I be a member too? This is brilliant and everyone has to read it. EVERYONE!!!!! I have fewer and fewer patience with the really weird grammatical mistakes, so GO YOU!!!! The rest of this review will be filler so that it has enough characters to be posted on the public page. Phew! There, that should cover it. Great little rant!
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Review of Joe  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Star*Initial Impression: Hi there. This is a good start... even better, an interesting start. I will be curious to see where you go with it. That's the most important thing, after all, creating interest so that the reader wants to keep going. This is a fine start.

The only thing that stuck out to me was the amount of telling in this scene compared to showing. I will point out those parts as I come to them. The best way to fix telling is to turn your passage of description into a scene complete with dialogue and action. People tell us more through interaction then can ever be described.

Most of what I will say is merely suggestion for more effective wording... ways to draw your reader more into the emotion of the story. I will leave just enough of your words so that you can recognize the parts I am talking about.

*Smile*There is an apologetic ... and even the slight nodding ... agony. -- These two phrases are independent, so there should be a comma before and, but more importantly they don't link together very well. His apologetic look doesn't naturally lead to his obvious agony. I would either split them up and fully discuss why he has an apologetic look in his eyes, and then go on to talk about the ways the narrator recognizes Joe's agony, or change the apologetic look to some thing that relates to Joe's pain. I think the first way is the most effective because it gives you a chance to show us Joe, and how the narrator feels about him.

Joe could show us that he feels exasperated by his condition and apologetic for his slowness and shaking by saying something about it. He could even make a joke about it, but the N could see the truth in his eyes--that he doesn't find it funny at all.

*Smile*My eyes wander laboriously around the room,-- Since eyes can't actually wander around a room, it would be better to say that the narrator's gaze wandered the room. Also, wandered and laborious don't really go together. Wandered suggests ease, not labor. Also, laboriously is an adverb, and they are evil, so finding a more specific verb to replace wandered would be my suggestion.

*Smile*There is a large green oxygen tent in one corner,--This is an excellent place to set atmosphere and to give us some clues as to the narrator's emotional state. So how does the oxygen tent inhabit the corner? Does it loom over the room like some green alien monster? Does it hunker down in the corner like a predator?

*Smile*amongst the medical white and heavy life-sustaining machinery laid all about the room. -- "the medical white and heavy" doesn't say anything to me. I actually found it kind of confusing. Here again, does the machinery dwarf Joe in the bed? How does Joe look amidst this mass of machines? Maybe it even looks like the opposite is true--they are there to keep him alive, but they look as though they are draining the life out of him.

These descriptions have a lot of work to do. First they have to tell us what is where and what everything looks like, but they also have to give us a little more info about Joe, and a lot of info about how the N feels both about Joe and about being there.

I find it useful to just close my eyes and submerse myself in the scene. It can take 20 minutes or half an hour, but it allows me to hear all the sounds, smell the odors, see everything... but most importantly, allow me to feel what it is like to be that character in that place. That allows me to really reach for the metaphor or description that will put the reader in that chair.

Something else I would like to just quickly mention is that if Joe spoke, he could give us a lot of this description. For example. He could catch the N staring at the equipment and then say something that would both give us description and a great deal of insight into Joe's character. If he said, "There's more machinery in here than in the space shuttle control room, isn't there?" That would give us a picture of a man in the midst of a great deal of equipment, but also shows us that Joe is an intuitive fellow who saw the N's discomfort and tried to set him at ease. It also shows that he possesses both wit and a sense of humor.

The key to turning good writing--which is what you have here--into great writing is doing the most you can with the least number of words. Make every word do two or three jobs and you'll be laughing.

*Smile* I notice the big picture of Joe on the right, -- A moment ago, the N was looking around for something to save him from having to look at Joe, so here is a great opportunity to remind us of that. Instead of noticing the picture, maybe he latches onto it or something similar that tells me the picture is a refuge--at least for a moment.

*Smile* within his seaman’s clothes comma and the ocean ...

*Smile*I assume it was taken before the cancer had come came back.

*Smile*My eyes slid Tense slip. The word should be slide momentarily

*Smile*His blue eyes are still incredibly bright -- instead of incredibly bright, how about something that works a little harder? His brilliant blue eyes shine undimmed, last *holdouts* in a war that has ravaged the rest of his body. Holdouts is a bad word, but it is all I could come up with. But that takes both parts of the sentence and combines them. it also gives us a hint that Joe has fought like heck against the cancer.

*Smile*that seems to be all his sickness had has not dimmed or damaged.

*Smile* It is as if one side of his face has caved in, no longer supporting the right side of his eyeglasses and they hang, uncomfortably crooked. -- This sentence is telling me the info rather than showing me. As I said before, these descriptions have a ton of work to do. So, the description here wo\should tell us as much about the cancer, and Joe and the N as possible. So, why has the one side of his face caved in? Has the disease eaten it away?

"Cancer has eroded the right side of Joe's face, and his glasses hang crooked, clinging to the bridge of his nose." This isn't the best example, but it does a couple of things. It tells us why his face is caved in, it shows how the glasses are hanging in an emotionally provacative way, and the word clinging also adds a feeling of urgency, as if Joe doesn't have much time left to him.

I'm not sure what you are going for in the atmosphere in the room--foreboding and brooding, calm and at peace with Joe's upcoming death, or the urgency of a man trying to get things set straight before he goes... but all the words you use should add to that atmosphere.

*Smile* Just one last thought on this section. You describe how things look, but there is no sound, smell or touch. Oddly enough, our most evocative sense is scent, so using that will really help the reader place him/herself in the situation. As well, you could give us the beeping of the equipment and how it affects the N. If he hears murmured conversation in the background, it would also set us up for the fact that the N's father is there.

*Smile*My thoughts and my attention snap back on the reason for my being here now, my father, sitting at Joe’s side, a look that is a strange mixture of support and sadness playing with his features. -- I lost the fact that the N's father was there because he is hidden in the middle of the sentence. At first, I thought that the N was there on behalf of his father. I would break the sentence after the N refocuses his attention and then start a new sentence that clearly places the N's father in the room.

Also, instead of telling us that he snaps his attention back, what if something happened that drew his attention? His father could call his name and ask him for something... anything. Although the father calling his name would be really effective for several reasons. The first being that it gives us the N's name, and thus another emotional attachment to him. It would also give us the N's sex--even though I assume that it is a he. It would place the father in the room very clearly. It would also give the N a chance for further emotional development. It is very different sitting in a corner in Joe's room than having to approach Joe himself, and draw Joe's attention to him.

Anyway... LOL... the point was, make it very clear taht the father is there--give the N's father an entrance--even though he is already there, he is entering the story.

*Smile*Joe is not a man I know well. -- Again, I am not sure where you are going with this piece, but if Joe spoke to the N, you could show us that the N doesn't know Joe well through a few lines of dialogue. Also, since his father and Joe are really close, why doesn't the N know him well? Is he old enough that he was out of house? Did he live with his mother and so didn't see his dad much let alone Joe?

He is however, a man who has been in and around my father’s life and the business since the beginning. -- This paragraph is telling. It just kind of lays the facts out in what I would call a mini infodump. Is there a way that this description--that this whole short narrative--could be made into a scene with people interacting? If you did that, then the info could come trhough in a hundred small ways. If Joe and the N's father were talking, Joe could bring up a memory about when the N's father started working for him. The father could reply with a laugh about how ugly the two old puddle jumpers were.

If this passage were a scene, all this info could be used to build our affection towards the characters and show their affection towards one another.

The difference between telling us their history and letting them show us the same thing is that telling us keeps us on the outside of the characters. It puts a fence up between us. Showing tears down the fence and lets me get inside the characters. For me, personally that is the most important part of any story.

*Smile*My father worked for Joe as a mechanic when he first started in aviation, for Joe’s little start-up airline that featured ugly, twin-engine puddle jumpers that required nearly constant maintenance. -- This sentence is long and confusing. I would break it into two so that it is easier for the reader to follow.

*Smile*endearing as they both age, I would break with a period here they share business successes and woes,

*Smile*It had amazed me that despite his age, Joe was quite a hit with the females and we’d frequently see him about town -- Why? What is it about Joe that makes the N amazed? Does he see anything that might attract women to Joe?

*Smile*deep into the “Mystic shuffle” – pet name for their slow, social cruise through the local bars each Friday night. -- This confused me first read through. Maybe something like... into the "Mystic Shuffle", Joe's pet name for slowly cruising through the local bars... or something.

The affection between my father and this man was clearly visable when Joe would see him out, or during Joe’s drop-in visits to the office and later, his visits to my father’s new home. It seemed to me that they were part of some elite club of men that easily fit into several categories at once: fathers, ex-husbands, business owners and playboys -- I will just briefly say that this affection could be shown through internation, but if not, I wonder how the two sentences relate? I do not see how the two men being members of some elite club being related to their affection for one another. So either you need to draw that parallel more closely or separate the thoughts and fill them out.

*Star*Parting thoughts: This is a piece of good writing that has a ton of potential. I really enjoy your "voice" and would like to see it stretched out into developing this passage as a scene. I enjoyed it very much and look forward to seeing where you go with it.

As always, my suggestions are just that, suggestions. I think you have the beginning of something really good here. Keep up the good work.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This deserves a five for the sentiment, but (and this might just be my internal lack of rhythm) I had a little trouble with the flow in about the 2nd quarter of the pice. The rhyming was splendid. Dreck! HA! I love dreck. Well, I don't like writing dreck, but the word is awesome. LOL. Great poem. Cheers. Kim
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Smile*Archmage Kaimana strode quickly down the hall, rapidly putting distance between himself

*Smile*There was a distraction he definitely didn't need right now! -- I thought this should be She was a distraction. Otherwise, the sentence seemed a little disjointed.

*Smile*remembering the heat he'd seen in those her? sapphire eyes just moments before.

*Smile*He chuckled to himself softly. -- Chcukling to himself sort of implies softly.

*Smile* They were already upset that the quiet, biddable young scholar they'd expected him to be, had instead turned out to be a rabble rouser of the highest order. -- This sentence demostrates my only concern with this chapter. Although the sentence is perfectly fine, well... maybe a little long, but... This is the perfect opportunity to put in a whack of characterization. They, meaning the mage council, is a blah word. It doesn't tell me anything about them or Kai. How does Kai see his subordinates? the same goes for bidable young scholar. I think Kai has enough scorn for the council that he could come up with something stronger that tells us more about him and the council. I'd also break this sentnece in half and then fill both new sentences up with Kai's voice and his view of the world.

*Smile*Gorangan scourge -- ah, ahhh, ahhhhhh ... cliche. Excuse me, wow, that was quite the sneeze.

*Smile*This is what he needed to be concentrating on now, not some pretty slip of a girl. -- Tense slip

*Smile*Sternly, he shook himself out of his reverie and quickened his pace again. -- Sternly here could be replaced by something that lets us into his head a little.

*Smile*"Game face on now, Kai. --A little modern a phrase maybe?

*Smile*Time to convince one stubborn baron that he needs to open his mind and see the true enemy. And to make this even harder, now you have thoroughly insulted him by popping out of view in the middle of one his self-important speeches..." -- This is all telling. It needs to be rephrased so that it sounds natural. The way it is, it kind of sounds like the conversations that disguise (badly) infodumping. Like, "As you know Dawn, you've got to make the baron see..." Let us see the Baron's stubbornness and how Kai's departure insulted him through the way that Kai prepares himself to enter the room, through the atmosphere of the room when he enters, and through interaction with the Baron that follows his entry.

*Smile*The Baron stood up at the Archmage's entrance, an expression of extreme annoyance on his face. -- I'm going to quote Sherras here... 'Yes, but what does it look like?' Describe the extreme annoyance. Are the veins on his forehead popping out? Is he all red?

*Smile*Kaimana kept his tone reasonable, his voice calm and cool. --Another opportunity to paint a picture for me rather than just telling me. Also, what are the surroundings? More importantly, what do they tell us about the baron, and how do they make Kai feel?

This is a short chapter that leaves me wanting more, but maybe not in the way you might intend. I should absolutely need to know whether Baron Powell will listen. I should feel Kai's urgency. The dsicussion between them could easily be made to do this, as could the setting, and Kai's thoughts. I feel a little like I am sitting on the outside, an observer rather than a participant through Kai.

As you know, I love this story, but this chapter needs MORE! It needs t be fleshed out, but you can do that easily enough. You have more than enough talent to make it shine. Hugses.
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10
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is so cool. I did not realize when I came here that you were the SMs' mother. I came because I love cats. And you love cats. Turns out that all cat people must be wonderful, because you are a lovely example of cat people, and so am I. LOL.

I love this. Very special piece. Motherly lvoe is a good thing.

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Review of Not Me  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Well, I have spent the last hour and a bit of the port raid crying. Your writing is so real and full of emotion that it can't help provoke tears. That is a wonderful gift.

I have no nitpicky comments or things I didn not like in this piece. I was all beautiful and honest. I am very glad that you are doing well. I feel as if I have come to know you, at least a little from your writing.

Thank you for sharing. Truly. I hope women will read it and book their yearly physical complete with pap test. Sometimes we hurt ourselves by fearing the worst, when in fact the worst only comes when you wait. Early detection of any health problem is so vital. I am glad you put that message out there. HUGZ Kim

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Rated: E | (5.0)
First Impressions:

Hold on, I need a Kleenex. Snort! Honk! Okay, I can go on. This is a wonderful, engaging full of humor and emotion. In short, just plain good stuff.

The nitpicky Bits:

*Smile* But it seems I was starting to cause some problems when my husband said he was coming to Open Mic Night. -- This comes up in a much more natural way in just a few lines, so you could go right into talking about your wonder at your husband wanting to come to open mic night.

*Smile**Heart*Here I am in the butterfly garden leaning on my one crutch bawling my eyes out. -- I love this, but you switch to present tense just for this one sentence.

*Smile*I assured him that it was fine comma and I would keep

*Heart*Sometimes I would look at her and wanted to scream, "OH MY GOD! You're getting engaged!" -- Love this.

*Smile*But of course I didn't commaand I kept the secret to myself.

*Heart* I looked over at Denise and waved my Kleenex; she waved her Kleenex back at me. -- Brilliant!

*Smile*He told the crowd he needed a volunteer comma and he asked SMs to join him on stage.

*Smile*Her complete shock and the look on her face was priceless. -- Her complete shock -- the look on her face -- was priceless.? Maybe? Or commas around and the look on her face.

The things I liked:

*Star* Oh heck, the whole darn thing. Sniff!

The things I feel need tweaking:

Just the few grammatical things I mention above.

Last Impressions:

Thank you for sharing. Wonderful!
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
:-}of life and ship is great-- Loss of ship? Damage to the ship? Or do you mean that they have lost many ships in the fleet?

*Smile* I think maybe his doubts about the battle should start a new paragraph because the first paragraph was really a status report.

*Smile* The far fetched sentence is a little awkward, and I think it could be more effective if reworded slightly and different punctuation was used. Something like: "This seems far-fetched to me; marriages amongst royalty are more often the result of political alliance than a matter of love." Or something like that. A fleet commander would be a noble, and well educated. His speech would be elegant and formal. Not that mine is... but anyway...*Blush*

*Smile*The sea is not friendly at this port. --What port? Specific details lend realism and help the reader suspend their disbelief.

*Smile*The damage to ships is plenty and moral even greater. -- Here again, his writing would be formal and elegant--succinct. It would also be a little flowery compared to ours. The Spanish were a very romantic culture. "Our ships have sustained a great deal of damage. Morale continues to falter. My men lose heart, and disease is taking a heavy toll throughout the fleet. All attemtps to quarantine the sick has met with failure." Or something along those lines.

*Smile*God willing, this will be over soon comma and I can return to my home.

Things I liked:

*Star*I really liked the closing paragraph. Wonderful stuff. Very emotionally evocative.

*Star* I liked how he referred to their mission from God. It is an idea that has and continues to send men to war--God is on everyone's side it seems.

Things I felt needed a little tweaking:

All were mentioned above.

Last Impressions:

I like the fact that you came at this from the Spanish side. So often we don't think much about the losing side, unless we are part of it. The victors write the history, so it is up to the writers to give voice to the losers. Great job.

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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
First Impression:

Very funny. I always wondered why they didn't call for all the king's surgeons. Now I know the real story. Shocking.

The Nitpicky Stuff:

*Smile*Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic and an addict. "Hi Bob." These meetings always start the same way. -- I thought this might work better if it was separated into pragagraphs. As well, the "These meetings always start the same way" changes tense from the rest, unless the following story is Bob's testimony in front of the group. Hmmm... funny, that wasn't what I thought at first. I thought he was just thinking back. Anyway, if this confusion helps tell you anything, great.

*Smile*I had been drinking since early that morning, cheap beer because I had been fired from my job earlier in the week. -- I think this sentence could either use a double hyphen, or a little rewording. "I had been drinking cheap beer since early morning, because I had been fired from my job." Or something like that.

*Smile*The beer really wasn't doing it comma but I had no cash comma so I called my friend -- All of these are independent clauses.

*Smile*And the kings men aren't any more capable in that area, they're guards not doctors!-- Another place I felt that would be better with something stronger than a comma. A semi-colon perhaps?

*Smile*I've almost fallen back several times but thanks to close friends and my sponser -- Comma needed here before the but as they are independent clauses.

Things I liked

*Star*A wonderful, irreverent look at an old favorite. I now see the story in a whole new light.

Things I felt needed a little tweaking:

Just the few tiny things above. Very well written.

Last Impression:

Funny, smart and entertaining. Well written. What else can you ask for? Great job!

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Rated: E | (3.5)
THE VISIT CH 3

First impressions:
I have sooo many unanswered questions. This is a big story hiding in a little story's body.

The Nitpicky Details:

*Heart*"Tad! See - you already have a cold started. -- God bless mothers. However, I have to wonder if she would be so naive with all the events that have taken place that night.

*Smile*Finally, I heard her steps go out the door comma and I heaved a sigh of relief.

*Smile* My feet felt like jumping all around the room -- His feet felt like jumping? Hmm...

*Smile* Everything else I had to say on this chapter has already been said in the other two. Lots, lots more development. However, I do have a couple of questions.

1) Where is the kidnapped boy? Was it the other boy in the room? Because, I never got that feeling. After he dragged Barry into the room, he seemed to disappear.

2) What was the point of this computer program? It was just mailed to this one kid because....? Very strange. And, how did it get into Barry's email? He didn't know this kid, so did it get to him through a long chain of instant forwards to people's email? Like a virus?

3)This one is a stumper. Why is the boy in Tad's room considered kidnapped because he is gone, but there are copies of Fred, Barry, and Susan? Also, wouldn't those copies be looking at the monitor and seeing themselves there?

Last Impressions:

Very much like the first impression. This is a super fabulous idea that could be an amazing story with some development. It could go to novel length easy if you decided to go that way.

The computer program is a plot developed by the bad guys... Only Fred, Barry and Susan can get to the bottom of it using their brains, their guts, and their friendship. Will they be able to send all the 'kidnapped' kids home, or be trapped forever in limbo? And... what do the bad guys want with all these kids. Are they collecting them up and doing something with them?

You have a great story here, I hope you develop it.

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Rated: E | (3.5)
THE VISIT CHAPT 2

First Impressions:

A very short chapter that does not move the plot along very far.

*Smile*I was confused. Although I felt a bit angry, my curiosity got the upper hand. What had I done now? Why was I 'the one'? -- I like the questions at the end. How about using this througout his little problem here? I was confused is telling. The questions do the same job, but let us into his head, his emotions, all the good stuff of who Barry is and how he handles life. That's the interesting part.

*Smile*'BOY MISSING. KIDNAPPING IS SUSPECTED ALTHOUGH NO CLUES HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED.' -- This is the longest headline ever. I think shortening it. How can they have a suspect if there are no clues? If someone had seen him, there would be a clue. Even if they suspect that this person has a motive, a motive is, in fact, a clue.

*Smile*Through the section where they talk back and forth, put in some breaks to show us the way the characters inhabit the scene, and they way they move. Show their emotions, etc., through their actions. Also, wouldn't Barry's inquisitive self be wondering about things the whole time? They talk as if they are discussing something they both know very well, in a place where they are completely safe and at ease. I don't think that is the case here.

*Smile* I don't normally do this because I don't like to seem that I am telling people how to write, but I just want to give you an idea of what I mean. The black print is your words, the blue is mine"

"Oh great," I replied. I couldn't even get my self back home. Was this kid crazy or something?
"So, what did you expect me to do?" I asked.

"Oh great." I let my breath out in a defeated hiss. My fear faded to be replaced by frustration. This kid did not have any answers, just more questions. If he could not get himself home, how was he going to help us? Oh yeah, he expected me to help him. Ridiculous. I could feel his eyes drilling into me and looked up, meeting the glimmer in the dark that I knew was his eyes. The kid stared at me as he shifted from foot to foot, his body vibrating with anticipation. He was hoping I could help him; I was going to have to give him the bad news.

"So what do you expect me to do?" I asked.

*Smile*program on 'receive' to your computer and here you are." -- The wording here is a little confusing.

*Smile*I knew he'd be curious and come after me.-- Curious, or afraid that his friend might be in trouble? Maybe a combination of both?

*Smile*Presently, we were all in the boy's bedroom. -- Another opportunity to show the action as the two friends come into the room and spot the two boys.

*Smile*Quick introductions informed us that the boy's name was Tad, -- it wouldn't take more than a couple of sentences to actually show the introductions rather than giving us the brief recap of the action.

*Heart*"Watch out what you're doing, Susan. I got ribs in there." -- I like this. Reads very real.

*Smile*"There's someone coming up the stairs," she frantically whispered back.

*Smile* We could use some detail to bring Mom into the room.

*Smile*"No 'buts'. Into bed - NOW."-- I don't really like caps as a way of showing emotion. I think an exclamation mark would do fine.

*Smile*The sneeze suddenly exploded from inside my nose, -- I think some details on the suppressed sneeze would be very entertaining.

*Smile* I am not sure about the end to this chapter. I think it is the part about the teddy bear. I would just leave it with him sneezing, and let the teddy start the next chapter.

Things I liked:

*Star* An entertaining story continues, even though this is a very short chapter.

Things I felt needed a bit of tweaking:

*Smile* This chapter is a little short and does not progress the plot very much. I think it needs a lot of detail added so that we see, hear, smell, and feel what is going on. I also thinks it needs some plot development and character development.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
THE VISIT

First Impressions:

A bold and exciting idea for a kids story. Very good imagination.

The characters of the kids could use some development so that the reader really cares about them, and gets to know who they are and how they react. Give us characters we'll root for, cry for, scream for, and cheer for.

*Smile*Not only could I not get the downloaded program to work,-- You have already said the information in this sentence, so it could be left out, or replaced by what is going on inside the narrator's head. He must be frustrated by now.

*Smile*Wish I hadn't have been so curious."-- I wish I hadn't been so curious.

*Smile*"There's a hot link hiding over in the corner that you can barely see. I think...

*Smile*She pointed to the top, right corner. This should be the paragraph break here. Keep Susan's action with her words, and put the narrator's thoughts, etc. in the next paragraph. Sure enough, the arrow

*Smile*As she disappeared -- I think this would sound better if you said that the mother left the frame rather than disappeared.

*Smile*and there was a slight buzz in my head, -- This could be written more precisely and with more description. The idea is to give the reader the experience of hearing and feeling that buzz in their head.

*Smile* I was beginning to feel pretty weird. -- Same goes here. Reading the phrase, I began (was beginning can be changed to began and that will lose one of the evil 'was'es.) to feel pretty weird makes me want to scream out, "Yes, but how does it feel? As the writer, put yourself inside your character's body and feel the sensations. Call them to you. If one of my characters is feeling sick to their stomach, I will close my eyes and imagine that I am feeling ill. I ask myself, what is the first thing I feel? Then what do I notice, etc. Then, I pick through those details and chose which ones to include.

*Smile*and my heart sped up in an adrenalin rush.-- This needs impact. My heart hammered at my ribcage as a rush of adrenaline hit my bloodstream. Since this is intense action, look for intense words.

*Heart*"Yeah, I see that," said Fred. -- Cute touch. I snorted. It works really well because they are so blasé when the narrator has just been giving us these intense reactions. Love it. Juxtaposition is our friend. *Bigsmile*

*Heart* We'll get in trouble. Someone will think we broke in."-- I loe this too. Kids always worry about getting in trouble even before their own lives. I broke my arm doing something dumb and didn't want to tell my Mom even though my hand was actually not attached to my forearm any more. She might have noticed. Hee hee.

*Smile*A short-haired, wiry woman -- I don't know why, but I found this an odd description for a mother.

*Smile*doing here?" this is not a dialogue tag, so needs to be a new sentence. she backed

*Smile*Bad move I thought, as I saw the terrified look on her face. -- This is okay, but again, it is an intense situation and the language and phrasing is very calm. How about something like, "I took a step towards her. She drew back, her arms coming up to ward me off. Her mouth opened as if to scream. Oh no! Bad move."

*Smile*That seemed to relax her a bit, -- Yeah, and the guy with the gun who says not to worry, he's not a murderer? I'd still be running for the phone and calling 911. Call the cops, let them sort it out. Of course, I'd be taking the kid with me.

*Smile* "What do you want?" she demanded, her fear turning into anger. -- This reaction I am game for. Her child might be in danger--mother bear reaction. Scare the pants off of them.

*Smile*"You kids just get out of here. -- If you walked into your child's bedroom and saw three strange teens, would this be your reaction? Would you let them try to explain about coming through a computer monitor? I'd be chasing them out. There would be no civil chat, just GET OUT!!!!! Just food for thought.

*Smile*I didn't need further invitation -- Since this is an action story, I can't emphasize enough the need for action words. Here, what if he just yelled, something like "Yes ma'am," and grabbed the other two by the arm, dragging them from the house.?

*Smile* stared back at the modest bungalow we had just left. If they are staring back at it, we will figure out that it's the one they left.

*Smile* Susan turned to me accusatively. -- accusatively is a new word to me. Here, you could make Susan's personality pop. Fill the sentence with characterization. Who is Susan? Is she a bit of a hot head? If so, then how about something like. "Just great, Barry." She whirled towards me and slapped my arm with the back of her hand. "Now what? How are we going to get back to that computer?" I cringed as she flung her hand out towards the house. "How are we going to get home?" Adverbs are weak. Verbs are strong.

*Smile*Here I was, a computer dummy, out-thinking a couple of computer wizards.-- Ah, but this isn't a computer problem.

*Smile* You need some sort of time transition between when they take off and when the clerk talks. Or fill in a line of action that takes them in the store.

*Smile*Must think we are out of our skulls, I thought.-- Since it is the narrator speaking, we assume everything like this is a thought. It is stronger on its own.

*Smile*shocked at the way things were turning out.-- It seems kind of strange that he would be shocked to be kicked out of the convenience store considering their behavior and recent events.

*Smile*I could see we had overstayed our welcome. -- This isn't necessary.

*Smile*Fred away from the newspaper he was now staring at

*Smile*using the phone card my mom was so generous in buying boughtfor me a couple days earlier. -- All this detail is not important, and extraneous words detract from a tense atmosphere. Kind of like if people stood around gabbing while Godzilla walked up on the beach behind them. If they are taking time to talk, there must not be much danger.

*Smile*Shocked, like I had seen a ghost, I was speechless at first and wondered if I was in a dreamstate dream state--two words.of some kind. -- This sentence is mostly telling... "like I had seen a ghost" particularly. Shocked, I stammered into the phone for a moment before dropping it, and turning to my friends. I stared at them, my mouth working, but not speaking as my brain raced in circles, trying to make sense of what had just happened." See, then Susan takes over and keeps showing the scene by saying. "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost." If she says it, its not telling, it's showing.

*Heart*"So, what's new?" chuckled Fred. --I love Fred. He's great.

*Smile*"Not funny." I was definitely awake. -- I didn't know what this meant. What has happened that convinced him he was awake?

*Smile*"You gotta be kidding." Susan looked at me comma horrified. -- We need a description of Susan horror. if not, then it is switching into her POV. Barry needs to see her horror.

*Smile*Fred ran his fingers through his tossled tussled hair. He seemed scared. -- Show me his fear. What is he doing that makes Barry think he seems scared. I'm not the world's biggest fan of the word seemed, sometimes it seems wishy washy, like the author didn't want to take a stand.

*Smile*Both Fred and Susan were smarter than I when it came to computers, -- You have already told us this, so you need to find a way to phrase it to get rid of the repetition. See the next comment.

*Smile*but I was beginning to see they were not as adventurous as I was. -- Is it adventurous, or street smarts. How about something like, "I could see that their computer smarts weren't going to be able to help us figure this out. That meant relying on me. Suddenly, I was glad I didn't spend my whole life in front of a computer.

*Smile*all was quiet and dark.-- all became quiet and dark. Get rid of the was--it's evil... Mwahahahahaha!!!!

*Heart* I'd seen it done in movies. -- Hee hee. Love that.

*Heart* slithered inside.-- Love this too. It sets the atmosphere. If he slithers, he must be bad.

*Smile*Leaning precariously towards the window, I peeked into the window inside

*Smile*but my head hit the bottom of the sash above my head, -- This is an awkward description. Consider rewording it at least so that it doesn't use head twice.

*Smile* as I saw nothing but stars for the moment, I could feel two hands grabbing my shirt by the shoulders.-- First of all, this should be a separate sentence from the phrase above. As well, the way that it is phrased it sounds like the hands grab him because he is seeing stars. I would break this into two sentences. "For long seconds, I saw nothing but stars. While I weaved, still dazed, hands grabbed my shirt." I would take out the by the shoulders part. Goes back to using too many words in action.

*Smile*"Who are you?"-- I wasn't sure who said this, so give the demand an owner, even if it is just a description of what the voice sounds like.

*Smile*afraid that I had aroused the entire household. -- I would think he would want to raise the household even just so that the guys holding him might be chased off.

*Heart*"Bring him in. He's the one," said the new face. -- brilliant way to leave the chapter. Bravo.

Things I liked:

*Star*Fred. He kills me. With just a few comments from Fred you have done great work with his characterization. The other two could use a little more, especially Barry.

*Star*This is a really unique and original idea. I am eager to see where it goes. Great job.

Things I felt needed a little tweaking:

*Smile*The action sequences could use some jazzing up. Really throw yourself into the scene and let yourself feel the situation. I frequently have trouble sleeping because I do this with ghost scenes in my new book, and freak myself out so bad, I jump at every noise.

*Smile*There is lots of room for this chapter to grow. Lots more detail, more of what is going on inside Barry. Lots more characterization for all three kids. Lots more scenery and action. Discussion between the kids as to what they are going to do.

Last Impressions:

My biggest one is that this is a great story with soooo much going for it. With some extra detail and streamlining, it'll be great. Kids will eat it up--and, I suspect, so will publishers. I am excited about moving on to Chapter Two. Cheers. Kim
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Review of Elements of Life  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Well, as a judge I couldn't avoid the high level of sarcasm. The only unfortunate thing about the sarcasm was that I found it to be without grounds. Otherwise, I love sarcasm. Here is your review and your gps for the Here's the Fish Contest. Winners will be announced on the contest page soon.

This looks like a great start to what could be a very original story. I have some suggestions below that will hopefully help you as you continue on.

*Smile*You must be careful when writing to keep to the same tense—especially within sections. Sometimes people do play with tenses so that some parts of the book are in past tense and some are present, but generally, sticking to one is better. In the following paragraph you use both past and present. Cursed, were, etc. are past tense, but ‘I’ve’ is not. I had is past, not I have.
“Dammit!” I cursed silently as I realized that, not only didn’t I find a way out from this confusing wood, but I also got LOST further inside it! Great! What could I say? The surroundings were really similar I couldn’t figure out whether I’ve been in some certain places or not! This is just peachy!

*Smile*Also generally speaking, adverbs like silently, and curiously, and fiercely weaken your writing. If something looks fiercely, what is it doing? Scowling, glaring…? Using a more specific verb instead of a weak, general verb and an adverb will make your writing more polished.

*Smile*Using a lot of exclamation points negates them. If everything is always said with surprise, then it becomes normal. Save them for special occasions and use more exciting language to get the point across. Elmore Leonard said one exclamation point per 10,000 words… or was it 100,000. Well, anyway, 10,000 would be fine. The same goes for bold text.

*Smile*The text in brackets interrupts the flow of the story and makes the reader jump around a lot. Is you can, find natural places to insert this info into the text. If not… I would leave it out.

*Smile*The best way to tell a story is straightforward. Lots of choppiness and strange text makes it very hard for a reader to follow. 0_0 really has not place in a story—I don’t even know what it means, not being really up on weird computer face thingees.

*Smile*Even though this contest is about world building, I want to say a little about characters because your protagonist in this piece could use a little tweaking. This person is so rude, so wretched, and so disrespectful that it made me want to stop reading. He/She goes on about revenge against this being who has done him/her no insult, no injury, and is trying to help. I would not read a story about this person. Think about how you would react if you were thrown into this world and had to rely upon the kindness of the strange people who lived there to get home. How would you act?

The most important thing about creating characters is to make them believable, and to make them behave in believable ways. This character is too far over the top to be believable. I have worked with teenagers in closed custody detention facilities who didn’t have this much attitude. And the attitude appears to come from just being an unpleasant individual. You would have to be able to work magic with the plot to keep many people reading about this person. I wanted the mer-person to haul off and throttle the protagonist. If the person is being rude, etc., out of insecurity, then show us that. Give this person a rounded personality.

*Smile*World Building: It seems like you have a great start on your world. Just be careful not to give the reader this information in big hunks – even if those hunks are disguised as dialogue. Some of the best advice I have heard on writing is to take out all the parts you would skip if you were reading your story as a book. If you would skim over a big chunk, pare it down or weed it out.

With some work, this could be a very interesting and original story. There is certainly lots of imagination behind it, and that is essential. Just remember to keep your characters real, and to show us the world in little bits where they become important. Don’t discuss the mountains while you are still on the plains so to speak.

Good work so far, and thank you for offering this piece. Kim
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Rated: E | (5.0)
ROTFLOL. Brilliant. You'd just have to learn to type like I do. Hee Hee. Great job. I feel your pain... um... err... numbness.
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there. Thanks for posting this for review. It was an enjoyable read. I have some specific comments that are in blue, and then some general thoughts at the end. Cheers.

*Smile* The concrete ground of the bus terminal slipped in and out of the darkness as gray clouds passed over the glowing sphere.— This sentence suggests that it is the concrete ground of the terminal that is moving since it is slipping in and out of the darkness. I think if the darkness is due to the clouds, it is the darkness that is moving.

*Smile*She watched a pitiful looking, pale day-worker stuck artificial plants into the soil a few feet away.— Stuck is the wrong tense of the verb for this case. If it was 'as he stuck', it would be fine, but in this case it should be 'stick'.

*Smile* The sun beat down on her head, and the immense heat was causing the plant’s material to give off a smell that turned her stomach.— The sun beating down on her head isn’t directly connected to the plant. How about something like, “The sun that beat down on her head baked the entire station, causing the plant to give off an odor”? Also, 'the plant’s material' is vague and doesn’t create a picture. Be specific—what does the plant’s tissue look like? What sort of leaves. What I am going for is something like “The plant’s greasy black leaves gave off a stench that made her stomach...” The same advice—being specific goes for the smell—is it just a smell or are they odious fumes?

*Smile*Her right hand held a cigarette loosely If you want the cigarette to do something, use a specific verb that means the same thing as held loosely. while her left one patted the nape of her sweat-logged neck.— Having a problem with sweat logged neck. It just didn’t create a picture for me.

*Smile* Peeling the end of the patch off a piece of paper, she pressed the back of it against her neck— This sentence needs a time transition as she is not peeling the paper and sticking it to her neck at the same time.

*Smile*who repeated, “Mom, the Eighteen is here.”— Ending a long passage of narration about the woman with the child’s dialogue is awkward. I would suggest giving him an action of his own and then having him speak. “He tugged on her sleeve, and said…” Or something like that.

*Smile* As she reached out to touch a leaf, the synthetic image gave way to static.— Before this I thought the tress were at the station. Just a little more hint about what she is doing and why would be a very good thing. Some internal dialogue maybe about needing to escape the barren station… or something.Did the static mean that the VR thing was over, or just that she can't touch the things she sees?

*Smile*it was so quite.— spelling

*Smile* The streets were desolate, except for a few workers, hustling their way to the midday shifts.— No commas. The way that this is arranged it makes the streets hustle around.

*Smile* Paragraph leading up to this line ‘Earth. A Great Place To Visit.’— I thought she was having some sort of virtual reality thing—I am now really confused, because it seemed as though she was seeing trees and other nice scenic things, and now she is seeing what is really there? We definitely need some rules to guide us through this VR patch.

*Smile* to the breaking point.— To the point where the writing breaks off, or until her eyes break?

*Smile*bit down on the left side of her lip- a unconscious habit she had when she was thinking.— This is longer than it needs to be. I think you could do away with the “she had when she was thinking.” part.

*Smile*She rolled her eyes, and pulled her small son closer to her. Refolding the fragile paper, she held the knapsack close to her and closed her eyes. – Here you have closer, close and closed. Three words that look and sound much alike. You might want to toss them up a little to avoid repetition.

*Smile*Approaching a uniformed man behind a desk, she ignored the few day-crew workers who were cleaning the leaves of the artificial plants. He eyed the muscular built woman, with a tangled mess of hair pinned back in a sloppy bun. She wore dirty jeans, tore at the knees, and a dirty old gray shirt. But for all this, she still had a soft feminine face, with captivating dark brown eyes and hair, a tanned complexion, and pouting pink lips. However, she didn’t move like a lady. She moved like a tomboy. – This paragraph has point of view problems. The first sentence is from her POV, then it switches to the uniformed man. A little later, it switches back to her.

*Smile*Sliding into a seat next to the synthetic plant, she rubbed a leaf between her fingers. She wished that she could remember trees- real, live, fresh, and free. Her grandmother told her stories about forests. She had no stories for her son.— I like this detail. It tells me a great deal about her and the world. Nicely done.

*Smile*The young boy looked up into his mother‘s dark brown eyes. She seemed to be a million miles away. “I’m tired.”— This sentence switches to the son’s POV then the next one goes back to her.

*Smile*Fluffing up her bag, she created a makeshift pillow, which the small boy curled up on. – WOW, that is one big backpack. I think he would probably just lie his head on it.*Smile*

*Smile*taking more than a fraction of a second.— This was hard to imagine. So, she blinked slowly? Or are you getting at something else? I am a huge fan of writers using words to paint a picture for me. Not always, or else the work would be overwhelming and wouldn’t challenge my imagination. But, sometimes it is good to have a specific picture to draw the reader into the world. Paint with words to show us this moment.

*Smile*“Excuse me,” the receptionist repeated, “there is someone here who can see you.”— You say repeated, but I only see him saying excuse me once.

*Smile*Her mind drew a picture of a large, airy, dark, and desolate office, with one massive chair pulled behind an enormous desk, with a large roaring fireplace in the background.— Okay, a couple of things. The first is just semantics—it is hard to imagine airy, dark and desolate describing the same space. Airy is usually pleasant and light. You have to with phrases here. How about a period after the office. Then beginning with A massive chair… for the next sentence? Or something like that.

*Smile*. A few items, obviously of off-world origins, were on the bookcase.— how about decorated the bookcase? Or sat on the bookcase—to get rid of the ‘were’.

*Smile* His shoulders pushed back slightly.— What does this mean? What did he do? Lean back? Stretch his shoulders? Straighten in his chair? Specifics.

*Smile* The man held his chin and quietly eyed the paper. – 'Quietly eyed' is okay, but it uses an adverb, and this is a chance to give us a clue as to what his thoughts and motives are. Isn’t she wondering why this piece of paper is making him so excited?

*Smile*He flattened the paper on the desk. Little flashing lights on the desk alerted Marcia to the fact that the desktop was in fact a computer.— The desk is used twice here, one should be switched out to smooth out the narrative.

*Smile* Another gadget that CentralEnviron wasted people’s money on.— This kind of came out of nowhere. Everything she has done and thought up to now made me think that this CentralEnviron was a good thing—-a place she respected--that she thought helped people.

*Smile* “I’m sorry,” she began hesitantly, “but it’s almost sunrise. We won’t be home before the sun-”—Consider using a more specific verb for the 'hesitantly'. I would use ellipses here at the end…

*Smile*The man handed the young boy and Marcia, respectively, a small wrapped patch.— This is awkward the way it is arranged.

*Smile* Marcia stood, took her son’s hand, and walked out of the door towards the elevator with her appointment fixed firmly in mind. – I have no reason to doubt her ability to retain information, so this last part seems superfluous to me.

*Smile*The old man stood in the office alone, quiet at first.— I don’t think you need quietly at first. If he is alone, I am assuming that it is going to be quiet, and it gets rid of the adverb.

*Smile* Finally he took a deep breath.— I would take off 'Finally'. He took a deep breath is fine as is.

*Smile* Looking down at his computer desk, the words ‘Scan Complete’ were blinking fervently in yellow, highlighted in bright red.— Can something blink fervently? I don’t think a computer can be said to act with intense sincerity or passion.

*Smile*At the humming sound of machines behind his head, the man stretched his arms.— This is very hard to understand. Because some machines behind his head somewhere began to buzz, he stretched his arms? We need to know a lot more info to link these two things together.

*Smile* Michel removed the glasses he usually wore, and carefully removed his mustache.— You use removed twice here. I think you could spend a moment more and let us really know what is going on. Or at least drop some hints so we start to guess what is going on.

*Smile*the almost miraculously rejuvenated Doctor Michel said.— Is rejuvenated the right word here? Didn’t he just take off some glasses—that he usually wears—and a mustache? Sounds like a thin disguise—not enough to make him look old.

*Smile* “Sir-” the uniformed man asked timidly, “tomorrow, after they come, what are we going to do with them?”— Here you have an adverb in your dialogue tag.

Well, you certainly have an interesting start here. I am liking the hints that you have dropped about what wherever they are is like. If they are on earth... why advertise earth tourism on earth? Everyone is already there.*Laugh*

We need some more info on the technology I think. Unless the doctor truly is transformed by the mustache rather than the mysterious humming behind his head.

As well, you have this last scene really from no one’s point of view at all. I think if we were allowed into the doctor’s mind, it would heighten the suspense--drop lots of subtle clues about what this paper--and the stone--are about. Give us a little insight into just how far this man is willing to go--just how ruthless is he? That sort of thing.

All in all, a good start. Keep up the good work. Have fun. Kim


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Rated: E | (5.0)
This was an excellent, informative and easy to understand article. Although some of the information was already known to me, it presented it in a way that really drove the information home. I found the good letter example at the end particularly useful for formatting and editing my cover letter. Thanks for making this task easier.
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Review of Inspection  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello. This story was engaging, and was written with a definite voice, something I look for in a good read. The nature of the characters stayed constant throughout and they all spoke with a consistent voice. Well done.

Although this is an interesting story, it seemed to me that it read more like a chapter than a short story as I didn't feel the presence of a solid conclusion. It felt that if I read a little further, I would find out why they were being so vigilantly inspected.

A couple of things I noticed as I read:

*Smile*There are quite a few places where you have inserted a lot of detail on physcial appearance, etc. in the midst of conversation. Instead of giving me a clear picture, it actually forced me to take some of my attention off what was being said and, not being exceptionally gifted at splitting my attention, it took away from both the description and the dialogue. I forgot was being said after a description of the inspector, or whomever. As well, the only part of the description that is still with me is the fact that Mistral's eyes are bright green, and the inspector was slender.

It is always best to put description in where it is relevant. Her bright emerald eyes followed the man up the street... that sort of thing. That is where people have the easiest time remembering it.

*Smile*When did Dr. Nirael come back? She had him leave. Then Kevan came in when the inspector wanted to scan her computer, but I never saw Nirael return.

*Smile*You switch Point of View a lot. You start inside the inspector's head, then at this line... "Oh really?” Corai asked with a maddeningly superior air of disinterest." you switch to Kevan. Then when you break with the double white space, you switch to Mistral. Inside, you switch to one of the inspector's for a moment then back. All this head hopping can throw the reader for a loop. In order for the story to have maximum impact, I think it needs to be seen from one point of view. In this case, Mistral's. She is watching the scene from the window anyway, so she could relay the information to the reader.

*Smile*I found it hard to believe that Mistral would curl up in a chair after all the description of her dignity, etc.

*Smile* There were quite a few adverbs. You might want to switch most of them out for stronger words.

All in all a good read. I think some more information on just what it is they are hiding and why--what their motives are--would add tension. Also, I think it would give more punch to the ending. I was left wondering if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Are they going to heal people or create horrible weapons? If this is about the freedom to do research for its own end... well, that is a dubious theme, but it would need to be stressed throughout in order for the story to have impact. There would have to be far more emotion--passion--in their actions and thoughts for me to feel that they were working to save their intellectual freedom.

Thanks for offering this piece. I think it has a lot of potential--just a few bugs to work out. Keep up the great work and have fun. Cheers. Kim
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am giving this a five, even though if it was any other piece of writing I was reviewing, I would mention the frequent use of the word free. Yes, it is a little repetitive. *Laugh*

I am an upgraded member who buys GPS all the time because I love giving them away... (I have to... no, I shouldn't.... but I have to) for FREE! And there are lots of people out there that do the same thing. Hmmm, I wonder why? Maybe because Writing.com is more than worth it!!!!!!!*Bigsmile*

I love this site and would pay twice as much because of how many great friends, and helpful people I have met. Not to mention the improvement in my writing. I am a creative writing teacher who never had time to work on how I wrote until I came here and joined a reviewing group of like minded people. Thanks to their help I may actually be publishable soon.

So, thanks. Now, I am off to continue judging a contest--oh yeah, a free one!
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I was having kind of a bad day until I read this mythery of creation. I think I will speak with a lithp from now on. I like it.

This was a super little tale. Definitely made my day cheerier. So, thanks.

*Smile* It had been forever before it happened, but at some singular moment, change took place on Universe for the very first time, and the location was atop the great Mount Zephyr. – My first question. There is land and a mountain and a plant that grows out of nothing before the Great Chicken creates earth or plants. How is that possible? I do love the details on the eggplant.

*Smile*It hadn’t taken long for the egg to reach terminal velocity,-- Watch that you don’t switch tenses here. It didn’t take long for the egg to reach…

*Smile*The whereabouts of the eggshell had been accounted for, but what of its contents?— This sentence doesn’t sit right with me. It is telling. You do some external narration in the next part about the chicken that works, but this feels forced. How about just going to the next paragraph, but without the first sentence. In the wake of all this destruction the egg’s contents remained unharmed, and upon the face of the universe, standing amongst tiny fragments of its egg, stood a chicken. Or something like that… then onto the italics.

*Smile* She knew one thing, though: If anything were to be accomplished— Why does she think she has to accomplish anything? Too, the way you talk about the lightswitch makes it sound like the Hen knows about light switches rather than the voice of the narrator intruding with the idea of light switches.

*Smile* Cluck on Cluck off---Kim shakes head ruefully. Shame on you. Funny…. But shame!!! SHAME!!!! Actually, I loved it. I laughed.

*Smile* It was mostly gently rolling hills,-- So we have gently rolling hills before there is earth?

*Smile*spindly network of cracks emanating from the site of the cataclysmic collision that had recently taken place. – This is a little awkward, how about relating it to the Hen. Like the site of her recent arrival, or something like that.

*Smile* a great black nothingness called The Void, a vacuum that would suck the life out of any being.— Except, apparently for the chicken who breathes in nothing and expels air. Handy that. Except if you breathe in nothing, why breathe at all?

*Smile* The landscape that was at one time devoid of all life now boasted lush ferns and majestic trees overflowing with succulent fruits.— Ah, but earth and water and air just make mud—bubbly mud. What was the spark that created life?

*Smile*Love the animals coming out of eggs, very cool. An earth mother sort of Great Chicken.

*Smile*Whatever transgressions you may perpetrate in the rest of this story have been forgiven thanks to one clause… two halves of the same egg. LOVE THAT!!!!!

*Smile*“Greetings,” said The Great Hen in a gentle voice, although to the Humans it seemed more like an exclamation.— Exclamation is pretty vague, how about making it an image—what effect did it have on the humans? Did it frighten them, did it thunder? Paint me a picture of this first voice that humans heard.

*Smile*Your name is Goodevening,” she said to the female, and then gestured towards the male, “and your name is Upandadam.”— Snort, you crack me up.

*Smile*I have given you something that none of them possess – imagination … and
This is in order for you to learn humility. I never said that your purpose was to control the animals, Upandadam; I said that it was your mission to act as their guide. It is not your right to waste their gifts and take them for granted.— If I had a little sister, I would make her marry you for these ones! *Laugh*
.
*Smile*on ofHer own accord. “

*Smile* The Great Hen had already taken flight – So at one point chickens could fly! Good to know.

*Smile* “Isn’t this the Tree of Knowledge that Goddess was talking about?” asked Upandadam to his partner. Upandadam asked his partner.

*Smile* I know, I’ve heard it before,” he said wearily. “They’re so cute. How many times do you have to say that?” – I didn’t get what he was saying here right away. Maybe something like… “I know. I know. You’ve told me how cute you think they are thousand times.” Or something like that.

*Smile* “Be careful, Upandadam,” Goodevening said anxiously. – You asked with your other story how to get rid of the adverbs. To illustrate, I will use this one. Instead of telling us that she is anxious, show us the same thing. What do people do when they are anxious? She might pace back and forth, her eyes might flit around, and she might wring her hands, or jump every time he slips a little. That sort of thing.

*Smile* Whatever happened as a result of this action, they were going to experience it together.— Okay, I am adopting a little sister.

 the crunch that resulted seemed deafeningly loud, -- This is another really great place to replace the adverb with a splendid picture of how the sound shook the land and rocks tumbled from the mountain,l etc. Also there needs to be a clearer transition between the sound and the taste.

*Smile*“I knew it!” came a voice from the sky, period and Upandadam and Goodevening immediately

*Smile*The Great Hen laughed heartily, which had a relaxing influence on the incredibly nervous pair. – The other way to get rid of adverbs is to replace them and the verb they modify with a more specific verb. So what is a verb that means to laugh heartily? Chortle? No, too tame, but there has to be one—do you have a thesaurus? The same with inceridbly nervous—terrified?

*Smile* The Humans peered out at the alien environment and climbed out of their egg when they realized that there was nothing to fear. – Have we done this yet? I’m of the mind that we are still trapped in our shell peering out, hoping for the best. Ah well…

I enjoyed this very much, and love the way that you have taken everything from ridiculous philosophizing to religion and mashed them all together in a really cool way. This is officially the best creation myth I have read to date—and this includes the one I wrote! *Laugh*

Brilliant, just needs a bit of polishing, a little bit more showing rather than telling, and of course, death to all adverbs. I think I’m going to have hats and tee-shirts made that say Death to all adverbs! Excellent work, keep it up and have fun. You should write more fiction.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey there. I have a few picky things, but nothing really large to comment on. My general comments are at the end.

*Smile*The undying energies of the wraith evaporated into nothingness as Aramil focused his devotion to his god, Deneir, into his holy symbol and counteracted the negative energy that made up the undead mockery before him. – Long beginning sentences can be hard on a reader. I had to read through it a couple of times because you have undying energies basically dying—so that threw me—and then you have Aramil’s actions. Generally it is easier for readers to see the action and then the result. For the first sentence of a story, reader comprehension is key. I would just switch the sentence around and maybe break it up. Kinda like: Aramil focused his devotion to THE god, Deneir, into his holy symbol. (I would add how it counteracts the negative energy here.) The symbol amplified his pious power, counteracting the negative energy of the undead mockery (Wasn’t sure what this meant—undead mockery of what or whom?) before him. As the power of Deneir sliced through the wraith, it evaporated into nothingness. Obviously, I just made up stuff for what Aramil is doing with his holy symbol, but this puts the death of the thing after the actions. The fact that you say the undead mockery is before Aramil after you said it evaporated also tossed my brain. I capitalized ‘the’, because his devotion to his god into his symbol is a lot of his-es. *Bigsmile*

*Smile*The unhallowed scream – I am assuming you are using the wicked or sinful definition of unhallowed, but it is still a hard word. Before I looked it up in the dictionary, I wondered how a scream could be unconsecrated to god.

*Smile*The studious elven scholar— Aren’t scholars by definition studious? It would save a word.

*Smile*Aramil smiled softly at his companions and jumped slightly –smiled softly and jumped slightly—two adverbs in one sentence—then two more in the rest of the paragraph. Generally adverbs are bad. They weaken good writing, so they should be avoided as much as possible. Replacing them with a more specific verb, or an image is best. There are lots throughout the piece.

*Smile*I shall sing of your deeds…and those of your human companions…when I return to Arabel – commas should replace the elipses

*Smile* Knowledge was the key of Aramil’s existence and it was this endless yearning for knowledge that drove the elven scholar.— These two parts of the sentence said the same thing to me. What does “was the key of” mean if not that it was the focus of his life?

*Smile*His words stopped suddenly as the world seemed to grow darker.— Be bold—the world grew darker. *Smile*

*Smile*snapping the very life from him. – I don’t know what this means. What are the sensations?

*Smile*Aramil shed tears as he fell to the cold stone floor, each tear representing a regret, -- Using his name every sentence breaks up the flow. I think this sentence could start with He. Also, I would take out representing. It is much stronger and poetic if it is just “every tear a regret…”

*Smile*Its tone was almost demanding yet in some odd way it was welcoming.— was demanding yet welcoming? Saves words and doesn’t lose anything I think.

*Smile*was sleep, to forget the pain that he was feeling – What pain?

*Smile*“Aramil Runecaster, soul of the one once called as such. Awaken and open your eyes. It is time for the deeds of your life to be judged and for your fate to be decided.”— I have a scene very much like this in my novel. Cool.

*Smile* He had died.— I thought he already knew this when he was wanting the voice to leave him alone to be dead.

*Smile* All about him was gray mist and a floor of stone.—the floor was all around him too?

*Smile* He was sitting on the flagstone floor and seated by a green glowing orb, which hovered a few feet off the ground.—You have him sitting twice and mention that the floor was stone twice.

*Smile*law and power.— I am cool with the aura of power, but I am not sure about law because it is so concrete—justice maybe? What is the aura a judge has? Hmmm…

*Smile*Aramil knelt upon one knee,-- Isn’t he sitting?

*Smile*that I truly love her. That is my only true regret – truly and true in close proximity—should change one out.

*Smile* something stirred in his heart. – Whose heart? If it is Kelemvor, you have just switched point of view. You should stick to Aramil so that the reader doesn’t get confused.

*Smile*the lamenting – This is another case of a word that barely fits. Most people think of lamenting as a vocal expression of grief. If he isn’t saying or singing anything out loud, you might want to use grieving.

*Smile*The god knew of the pain the scholar was feeling for he had once felt the same way with a woman such as Olivia. Yet she went by the name of Mystra…-- Is this Aramil recalling this info, or have we switched to Kelemvor again?

*Smile*A flowing crimson cloak swept out behind him against the backdrop of stars— against a backdrop of stars is good enough and you can take out the “that the two were enveloped by.”

*Smile*. Aramil had never known such happiness and the Unity with his god sent his Aramil’s spirit soaring. Deneir smiled to his devout elven servant and together the two vanished into the stars. The House of Knowledge awaited its newest scholar.

Really good ending. I loved the fact that his one real regret was one of lost love. A much needed theme in these times of greed and selfishness. Brilliant!

All in all, this is a really lovely little story. Once the few mechanical things are cleaned up, it will be splendid. Thanks for the chance to read this. Cheer. Kim


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