I found this on the 'Items Seeking Detailed Reviews' page. Your request asked for comments on the emotions felt. I thought it was very well done, but for the ending. I liked reading about your pure love of the outdoors, but the piece seemed to turn angry at the end. It was too abrupt a change.
Spelling and Grammar:You feel electricity run up and down your spin when their hands touch Spine. And you have a pronoun-reference error here. Don't go from you to their.
My thoughts on plot and structure:I think this could benefit from some paragraphs. It's written like one continuous though. I think of love as a slow, meandering thing, like walking through the park on a spring day. That may just be my preference, but with no interuption, this reads more like a frantic pursuit than a leisurely walk.
My overall impression:
I like the idea for this, but I felt like it hurried me through it, when i wanted to take my time.
I found this on the 'Items Seeking Detailed Reviews' page. I'm not an avid reader of poetry, nor a spiritual person, so you had two strikes against you when I read this poem. I must tell you that I really liked it though, in spite my myself--my favorite line, by the way. Good job.
This was very good. I felt like the characters were real and believable. You have a nice quick story line and I didn't lose interest once. Horror's not typically my genre of chouce, but this was very well done. Good job. I couldn't find anything that needed correcting.
I found this on the 'Items Seeking Detailed Reviews' page. In your request you asked for comments on the style. I'd like to recommend two books for you to read. The Art of Styling Sentances, by Longknife and Sullivan, and Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, by Browne and King. Both of these books can help you add some variaty to your sentence structure and avoid the repetitive sentence size and rhythem. I found a few tyops which I pasted below.
One of his brothers was taken by this bearded fiend and was never seen agian. Again.
Panting as he exits the far side of the alley Tom finally sees a place that he reconizes. You have a tense shift here.
The owner pats him on the herad and says" Don't worry, Head, and put a comma after says.
Wow. This was good. A black man struggling to be white, finds a girl who turns out to be black and he can't stand the thought of being with someone so vile. It's a disgusting form of self-loathing that is more common than people think. It reminds me, though vaguely, of a book I recently read by Philip Roth, called The Human Stain. If you've not read it, I highly recommend it. Good job on this, I really enjoyed it. It made me think.
I found this on the 'Items Seeking Detailed Reivews' page. I found some errors which I've posted below.
“Oh My gosh Mama! No need to capitalize my.
I spite it off of my face and shake my head. Spit.
After all, he has to think that I’m here to make him happy, not visa versa. Vice versa.
definitely a monster to be observed and discussed among them selves during cat committee meetings. Themselves.
I liked this tribute to being a cat lover. I myself have a cat who is my best friend. We have a way of communicating that is beyond words. Good job on this, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
(indent)This was very interesting. A very good description of how the positive aspects of invention and creativity can work in harmony with the sometimes negative aspects of egotism and pride to create positive change in the world through quailty creation and attention to detail. I'm a perfectionist, especially when writing. Good job putting this into a new set of words for me to ponder.
What a great story of a group of strangers coming together for a common cause. I'm glad things worked out with the song and it's touching to know little Meghan's memory will live on and her short life had such a profound impact.
My only bit of constructive advice is to double space between your paragraphs, it opens up the text making it easier to read.
This was really good, so good I suspect you may know this person. If not and this is all from your imagination that you should be very proud of yourself. If you do know this person, then you can still be proud for capturing the emotion so vividly. I don't have any suggestions to improve this.
I'm a member of 'The Fiction Forum', a group dedicated to helping new writers improve their skills and experienced writers refine thiers. I'd like to offer an invitation to join our group. We're always looking for talented people to fill our ranks. Please stop by and check us out.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1072095 by Not Available.
This story was like an oxygen mask falling from the cublicle ceiling. An insiders lamenting on what he's become. I can relate personally to this story, for I too tried the financial rewards path and found it to be the worst time of my life. After reading your bio, I suspect there's a big piece of you in this. I found one error I'd like to bring to your attention.
As the breath exits his lungs, so too does the hope that he will one day change the world. This sentence is a tense shift from the rest of the story. Go with the past tense like you did in the sentence preceeding and following.
I'd like to invite you to join my group 'The Fiction Forum' whcich is a place for new and experienced writers to share experiences and grow in the craft and art of writing. Please stop by and check us out, we'd love to have someone of your caliber join our ranks.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1072095 by Not Available.
Let me get right to business, I'll comment on my general thoughts after.
When my father came home with his new bride when I was eight, I knew something was wrong immediately. It was one of those children’s feelings, when there was something out of place but I knew not what. The first paragraph is sometimes all you get with a potential reader, so you have to first hook them, and second make clear your intentions. This opening paragraph creates interest, but could use some editing to make it more clear. i suggest, My father came home with his new wife when i was eight. I knew something was wrong immediately; it was one ioof those children's feelings when there is something out of place, but I didn't know what. Minor changes, but I think it reads more clearly, also it aviods repeating when three times in two sentances.
She, his wife, doesn’t approve of mourning the dead when she is now the replacement for the deceased, my mother.
Truth is, I don’t remember her. You should use some nomes here to avoid confusion. Her sucessively reffering to two people leaves the reader wondering who her is.
It had been my mother’s father’s before, I know you wanted to show it was her maternal grandfather's house, but just say grandfather. It's confusing otherwise.
Overall, I thought this was a good story. You may loose some people in the begining though, that's why i gave you the suggestions on reviseing it. The only other thing I noticed was that the writing was, dare I say, too good...It's an eight year-old speaking, so she should sound like an eight year-old, not a poetic literary writer. I love the rhythem to your words, but it simply doesnt fit with the voice of a child. Maybe change the POV.
This is just my opinion, so feel free to take it or leave it. I hope this helps you, and I'd like to offer you an invitation to stop by and check out 'The Fiction Forum" a group I've started for new and seasoned writers to hone thier skills.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1072095 by Not Available.
I found your story on the Items seeking detailed reviews page. In your request you said that you'd not received many reviews and were wondering why. I'd like to suggest some study material for you to help in your re-writes. Firstly, read 'The Elements of Style', by Strunk and White; 'The Essentials of English', by Hooper, Gale, Foote, and Griffith; and 'Self-Editing for Fiction Writers', by Browne and King. These books are invaluable to a young writers education, and can help you polish your work on its most basic levels so you'll be free to focus your attention on larger aspects of rhythem, voice, and characterization. Below I've pasted a few errors I found. Some of them are simple oversights from re-writing, but some are mechanical errors.
You see, I had was born and raised in Georgia on a slave run plantation.
I (insert a comma here to parenthasise being from the South) being from the South, was more than acuainted with their views on slavery. We had been fighting for more than a year, and I was still in the alive .
I hope you've found this review to be helpful and not hurtful. I think you have the framework for a good story here, but I think you need to learn a little more before you attempt to write it again. Please feel free to reply to me with any questions or comments you may have for me, and keep writing and learning.
I liked this story, good job. I noticed a few typo's and one sentence that struck my eye as odd.
'My Day had suffered another heart attack, and he had passed on.' Dad, right?
'We pull out of the driveway; no one is speaking.' I think the tense is wrong here. In the surrounding sentences you are in past tense, so I think it should read pulled.
'jeffrey broke the sad silence. “ Know what, Mommy?”' Jeffry.
'I turned as much as I was able, to look at him as directly as I could.' this is the one that caught my eye. You repeat the action of looking at him. Maybe cut 'as much as I was able'. 'I turned to look at him as directly as I could' gets the message across in a smoother fashion.
Anyway, I liked it and this is just my opinion, so disregard it if you wish, but feel free to reply with any questions you have for me. I'll be purusing your expansive portfolio through the coming days and finding other pearls, I'm sure.
This was a great article. I'm new to Writing.com and am still learning the ins and outs of this enormous web-site. This article has given me yet another reason to splurge on the upgraded membership. Thanks for creating a resource so well attuned to helping new and emerging writers get their feet wet and establish a base.
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