The first thing I would do with your piece is indent the paragraphs to make it easier to read. I've done the copy and paste from word processors and had it come out like this too. It's a pain, but I just put in the tag --- --- on the first paragraph then copy and paste in front of the remaining paragraphs.
To the north lies the outlands. A land full of steep deep canyons and large Platteau’s. --- maybe combine into one sentence the word "land" or variation thereof is seen more than it needs to be in the first paragraph and things become to repiticious. --- To the north lies the outlands, full of steep deep canyons and large Platteau’s.
There is David nothing mark able... do you mean remarkable?
They may have bond animals. My vision did not say.---maybe just combine this---They may have bond animals, my vision did not say.
Oh if we summon them they can never return.---I would rework this sentence somehow its seems as to much of an afterthought when it should carry quite a bit of wieght in the decision that is to come.--- something like-- There is one more thing you should know, if we summon them they can never return.
The kind-- The King?
Aware of who they are and who they where.---where they are? --- or who they were?
You look around only to find yourself standing in front of the white home. The front
door swings open welcoming you to enter and see what lies ahead of you. You slowly step in; the narrow hallway, void of any color or decoration leads you through a maze of plain white walls to a large room that splits into two separate rooms. You begin to hear the muffled chatter of teenagers coming from the center of these two large spaces.
You slowly step in; the narrow hallway, void of any color or decoration leads you through a maze of plain white walls to a large room that splits into two separate rooms.--- maybe change this to---You slowly step in; the narrow hallway, void of any color or decoration it leads through a maze of plain white walls to a large room that splits into two separate rooms.---just something to cut out an excessive ammout of the word "you" in the first paragraph. Possibly rework the word order of some of the other sentences also to see if you can get rid of of few more so that it does not become to repetitive.
young Nivaalis’s hair dripping---?young Nivaalis’s hair "WAS" dripping
Armitage mumbled as he looked up, unable to see more than fifteen steps.--- I would probably drop "steps" since it is infered in the previous sentence.
They stopped while in the grey.--- not sure what you are talking about here, seems as if a sentence is missing? pehaps it was alluded to in an earlier chapter.
just a few ideas for now running short on time to totaly complete review.
He reflected on his surroundings and realized that the environment in which he found himself was a glaring illustration of his own condition.. -I thin you could cut "in which he found himself".
He captured his feelings before they conquered him and locked them up in an emotional box, throwing away the key to access them. - I went to your story after reading espirit's review and agree that " throwing away the key to access them." should probably be cut it maes the sentence awkward.
“Nothing scares me,“ he thought, as he maneuvered flawlessly over the decaying floor.---your piece is filled with more he, his, him's than I would like to see. This makes things sound to repetitive. Try varying sentence structure etc. to drop some of them, for example here just put--“Nothing scares me,“ he thought, maneuvering flawlessly over the decaying floor.
same here-He noticed an opening in the floor about three feet in front of him. Peering into it, he observed a ladder that descended roughly six feet. ---
Noticing an opening in the floor about three feet in front of him, he peered inside to observe a ladder decending down roughly six feet.
Marvelling at the sight - I would possibly use some other word than "marveling" because in the line before you stated it was the common practice of the times. Marveling seems to be a word one would use when coming upon something completly unexpected and never witnessed before.
...a loathsome bogill has taken many small animals from them, including even several of their children.” --- I would try to rework this a little more to add more emphasis to the children, as is doesn't seem that the children are considered any more of a loss than the farm animals when in reality it is only the children they mourn, the animals should only be an afterthought.
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