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Public Reviews
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Review of THE WAITING ROOM  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi the scribe Author Icon , first of all, I just want to tell you that I really like this piece. You have done a great job of capturing the fear and anxiety of someone waiting to hear what might be some of the worst news of their life. I felt like I was on that emotional roller coaster with you throughout the piece. My favorite part was about the young mother who comes back happy and relieved, then realizes her guilt over showing happiness when others are still waiting to hear their results. This is a very astute observation. A think that's a key to great writing—noticing the small details and recording them in a way that others can recognize. I did notice a few grammar and punctuation errors, which I have outlined below. I just took the Comma Sense course through this site, so I'm a little obsessed with commas, as you will see *Smile* .




Walking into the room, my eyes were drawn to the brightly coloured walls and furniture. It had the feel of a children's waiting room, the type of room I had sat (in) with the children,(remove comma) when they were young. Was this designed to give a feeling of cheerful optimism? (capitalize "If")if so (add comma)it wasn't having the desired effect.

Tom squeezed my hand and smiled,(replace comma with period) maybe we were both thinking the same thing. We found a couple of seats(add period) "Do you want a coffee love? " Tom asked, his usually happy face looking tired and strained. I nodded.

As he left, I took a deep breath and looked around. There was nothing unusual, just a group of women and family members,(remove comma) in a waiting room. How many times have I sat in similar rooms?(I think there could be a better transition between these two sentences) But never with this overwhelming feeling of fear. I was quite sure it was a feeling that united all its occupants.

I went to the desk to give my details,(replace comma with period) the receptionist turned towards me,(replace comma with period) I smiled(add comma) as I was sure I recognised her, but couldn't put a name to the face. She took my form but made no acknowledgement, just("gave me"?) a professional smile. Did she know something I didn't? Was she feeling sorry for me?

Tom was back with the coffee,(replace comma with period) as I took the hot drink I asked him if he recognised the lady at the desk. He glanced over(add period) "Not sure love,(add period) why"? I just shrugged. I didn't want to explain my irrational thoughts. She didn't remember me, it was as simple as that. Was this the way my life was going to be?(capitalize "imagining") imagining people crossing over in the street, or seeing pity in the eyes of everyone I met.

I sipped my coffee. The pretty young woman sitting opposite was smiling,(remove comma) and chatting to her little girl. Her husband had his arm around her shoulder,(replace comma with period) they looked happy and carefree. I wondered how she could look so happy and calm, and then she turned towards me, and I recognised the look in her eyes, the same anxious look I could see every time I looked in the mirror. (I wonder if you could turn this last sentence into two sentences)

A nurse came into the room and called out Catherine Thompson. A small lady in her late fifties stood up. She had that same haunted look. The younger woman with her gave her a reassuring hug. They followed the nurse. I felt the panic rising in my stomach, as I knew it would soon be me following the nurse, and the cheerful bright walls, and smiling(add comma) reassuring people, wouldn't alter anything. (again, this sentence felt a little long and convoluted to me. It might be better as two sentences) How would Tom and the girls cope? I took another deep breath and tried to concentrate on the magazine I had on my knee, but the words were just a blurred jumble.

The door opened(add comma) and an elderly couple walked in. The man had a walking stick and struggled to get to a seat. They appeared to be in their late seventies,(replace comma with period, or add "and") I was shocked to think a lady of this age was going through all this, but then age is no barrier to this disease. As they checked in with the lady at the desk, I could hear them laughing, maybe with age we come to accept what life has to throw at us.

Tom was talking to me but I wasn't listening,(replace comma with period) I was watching as Catherine Thompson and the young women I assumed was her daughter, passed me to go back to their seats. Catherine looked red eyed and pale. Her daughter was trying to comfort her, but looked just as upset as her mum. They looked very similar with round (add comma)chubby faces, and dark(add comma) curly hair, jolly faces under different circumstances.

The nurse was back, this time it was the young woman sitting opposite who was called, (replace comma with period) she leaned over to give her husband and daughter a kiss,(remove comma) before she stood up to follow the nurse. As she walked away I thought, surely life couldn't be so cruel to leave someone so young without a mother. What was I thinking? This room was turning me into a pessimistic wreck.

I looked at the letter in my hand, going over and over the words,(replace comma with period, and maybe put the next part in italics or quotes) following your recent Mammogram, you are requested to attend the clinic for further tests. Try not to worry as in the majority of recalls, everything is fine. The words were quite positive, but panic was taking over, telling me I could be one of the not so fortunate.

Tom was reading the newspaper. I looked at his face, (replace comma with period)was I imagining the extra lines, and dark circles. (replace period with question mark) He turned and smiled. I smiled back. We were doing a lot of smiling lately, it was our way of saying, don't worry it's going to be ok.

As I picked up the magazine and flicked through the pages, I realised we had been waiting quite a while. That was ok, waiting was good. While we waited I could still be one of the lucky ones. I could go home and tell the girls I was fine, and life could go on as normal. All that could change once the wait was over.

The little girl jumped up off her seat,(remove comma) as she saw her mum enter the room. She ran over to her, and I could see the real happiness, and relief (add comma)in the young woman's face. I was glad she had received good news. As she reached her husband, she seemed keen to quietly leave the room, as though she felt guilty being happy, when she knew some of us wouldn't be so lucky.

The nurse returned. I knew this was it, my life could change forever in the next few minutes. As she called my name I felt Tom's arm on mine helping me up. We looked at each other, this time no smiles, just a terrifying acceptance of what lay ahead.

We followed the nurse, and left the bright cheerful waiting room behind.


###


Feel free to disregard any of my advice, or double check it. I think this piece is really good, and with a bit more polishing it will be great. If this is a non-fiction piece, I hope you are doing well.

All the best to you, in writing and in life.
~Unapologetic Poetess Author Icon


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Review of Dark Shadows  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
A Muse Masters Poetry Review

Hello 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson Author Icon. I saw your poem listed in the Shadows and Light contest and I thought I'd share my thoughts with you about it. Please know that I have no training in writing or editing and everything I tell you in this review is based only on my personal experience of your piece. Don’t get too attached to either the positive or critical things I have to say, but use anything that is helpful to you and discard the rest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Rainbowl*Immediately I felt a sense of darkness and a very grim emotional tone in this piece. The short lines and almost staccato words and syllables you chose do a great job of creating a very foreboding mood. I imagined this piece could be about the dark shadows we all have inside ourselves, the way a dark mood can envelop us and spiral us into even darker places. I could also imagine this piece to be about people in our lives who can impose their darkness and drag us into it.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
*Rainbowl* I didn't see anything in this piece that needed work as far as spelling, punctuation or grammar.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
*Telescope* "Leaving behind a wasteland / In their wake"
*Rainbowl* In these lines I feel you could tighten things up a bit by taking out the word "behind" in the first line. If they are "leaving a wasteland in their wake", we already know it will be behind them so behind becomes redundant. Personally, I feel it flows better with "behind" removed and is clearer.
*Telescope*"And spit out / All that is unholy."
*Rainbowl* The last line, for some reason, didn't quite flow for me the way the rest of the poem did. After "swallow up your joy" I expected the thing being spit out to be something positive, but ruined like "your broken hopes" or something like that. When I read "all this is unholy" it took me aback and I didn't think it fit there. Of course, this is just my interpretation, but I thought I'd share.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
*Telescope* "Dark shadows grow"
*Rainbowl* I thought this was a really good first line. It sets the tone right away, a very strong and forceful opening.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
*Rainbowl*Dark-themed poetry isn't my favorite thing to read (did the rainbows give it away?!), and so my rating of 3.5 stars is mostly based on personal preference,more than technical issues with the poem. I think it is well-formed and succinct piece that delivers its intended meaning well. Thank you for sharing.

All the best,
Unapologetic Poetess Author Icon

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Review of Nature's picture  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Muse Masters Poetry Review

Hi Koyel~writing again Author Icon, I came across your poem in the Shadows and Light poetry contest and thought I'd read it and share my thoughts with you. Please know that I have no training in writing or editing and everything I tell you in this review is based only on my personal experience of your piece. Don’t get too attached to either the positive or critical things I have to say, but use anything that is helpful to you and discard the rest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Rainbowl*I read the poem and heard observations of an outdoor scene as the sun is setting. There were elements commenting on the beauty of the changing light and a vacillation between positive and negative associations with this time of day and the mood it creates. I felt like although the narrator finds the night gloomy and full of despair and "pristine pain" they also find it a time of day which inspires them to write. I enjoyed the rich imagery created with your phrasing in some of the lines.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
*Telescope*"Dark grey sky peeping through the lattice of the / Patterned branches forming a mesh, a maze.
Yonder stands a tree with its serrated / Leaves as if awaiting someone in pangs" "Soon darkness will arrive swathing the"
*Rainbowl* I might be a little comma-mad but I think you could use a small pause after "branches" after "leaves" and after "arrive"
*Telescope* "So cherubic , I welcome the pure grace."
*Rainbowl* The space before the comma here was probably a typo, but I was thinking that comma could even change to a period to make it more of a full stop. I thought "I welcome the pure grace" was such a good line it could do well on it's own.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
*Telescope* "Poets to doodle for all ages to come."
*Rainbowl* There was something about this line. The word "doodle" seemed a little out of place because the rest of the poem had quite a serious tone and "doodle" is kind of a silly word. However, perhaps you were going for a change of tone here, in which case it works and makes sense. I also feel like "for all ages to come" didn't quite sound right. "for all ages" sounds like something which is appropriate for children and adults alike, but I felt you were trying to say that this time of night will inspire poets through the ages, or something more along those lines. I don't know if that feedback is helpful, but I found the last line a little strange. Other than that I saw nothing that really needed improving.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
*Rainbowl* Well, I have quite a few, you had some really great, descriptive language in this piece. But I'll just pick a couple.
*Telescope*"Leaving behind a trail of utter gloom."
*Rainbowl* This is great, it paints the mood so well. Just the sound of the word gloom, it feels so heavy and overbearing, like I can feel the gloom settling on me as I read the line. And the addition of "utter" before it makes the heaviness so complete and consuming. Very well captured.
*Telescope*"I welcome the pure grace."
*Rainbowl* This line is exactly the opposite, it has such a feeling of fullness and peace. It is as light as the other is heavy. It makes me want to throw my arms open and welcome the pure grace too.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
*Rainbowl*I was at first a bit confused by the way the attitude towards the night seems to alternate between one of despair and sadness and one of "comeliness" and enticement. But I wonder if you meant to portray a way of finding solace in sadness by making art from those strong feelings of despair. I feel like I may begin to unfold the meaning more as I reread this poem. As I said, the imagery was wonderful and there were a lot of very well chosen lines. I enjoyed reading it, thank you for sharing.

All the best,
Unapologetic Poetess Author Icon

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Review of Shaman's Trance  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Muse Masters Poetry Review

Hello Perhaps Author Icon. Your poem caught my eye on the "Please Review" page and I thought I'd share my thoughts about it with you. Please know that I have no training in writing or editing and everything I tell you in this review is based only on my personal experience of your piece. Don't get too attached to either the positive or critical things I have to say, but use anything that is helpful to you.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Rainbowl* I like the way you created the sense of space and vastness with the layout of the poem. Even without having it situated in the middle of the page (although I do like that) the layout really adds to the floating feeling you begin the piece with. I must admit I was originally drawn to the piece because of the first line, I read this while I was in the middle of editing a piece of my own about a sense of floating. The poem itself is captivating and intriguing. It's a bit of a mystery. Where is this voice coming from? Is it some part of your own mind, or outside of yourself? It's a really interesting idea for a poem. Whoever that voice is she/he gives great advice!

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
*Telescope* "the soundless humming grace"
*Rainbowl* You could add a comma after "humming"
*Telescope* "You're amongst the shadows!"
*Rainbowl* This was the only thing that stood out for me. I'm not a huge fan of the word "amongst". I was curious so I googled the difference between "among" and amongst". Apparently they are 100% interchangeable so this sentence is technically correct, but to me it would be smoother with "among". (This could also be a cultural thing, I'm in Canada and I feel like it's not a word people use a lot.
*Rainbowl* I also wondered if you needed the exclamation point at the end of this sentence. I think it would work without it. In fact, when I think about it, this and the previous line: "Silence!" seemed a little harsher than the tone this voice uses in the rest of the poem.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
*Rainbowl* So there is the thought above, about the perceived incongruity of the harshness of the voice in the two lines I mentioned above. Not a major issue just my thoughts.
*Telescope* "upon the vastness, / then upon more vastness... / with only the promise of more darkness."
*Rainbowl* I like this, but something about the repetition here is a little awkward, I will try my best to explain it. First I think you could lose the "upon" in the middle line which would add to the flow a little. Then in the third line it sort of repeats and sort of doesn't. I wonder if you could take out "darkness" and leave it at "... only the promise of more". In this case the vastness is implied without having to repeat it again but still driving home just how vast this space is. I don't know if that solves it completely, because it still leaves the two "more"s and something about that doesn't sit quite right for me. You might just need to play around with it (if you agree with me *Smile* )

FAVORITE LINE(S):
*Telescope* "the soundless humming grace."
*Rainbowl* There is a very hypnotic rhythm to this line. It's almost like a meditation mantra in itself which is so fitting. I actually really love the whole last section from "if you ever lose your footing" but the last line is my absolute favorite out of them.
*Telescope* "through sedated space,"
*Rainbowl* Great imagery, very unique word choice which really paints a vivid picture.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
*Rainbowl* This poem is unique and I enjoyed reading it. I could definitely see myself reading it over several times. The attention to layout fits the tone and the imagery of the piece perfectly. There are a couple of little tweaks that could be made, as I mentioned, but overall I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks for sharing.

All the best,
Unapologetic Poetess Author Icon

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Review of Her  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Muse Masters Poetry Review

Hello again. So I'm just going to do a full-on new review since the piece has changed quite a bit and I feel like I have enough to say (not surprising!) *Smile*. As always, take what resonates and leave the rest (I always start to get nervous when people begin a review like that, don't fret, keep reading!)

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Rainbowl* Bravo! You have done an amazing job of fleshing this poem out and making it's emotional impact so much stronger. I think there are still tiny changes that can be made but all writing takes a lot of time. Leave it alone for awhile and then come back and look at it with fresh eyes to see if there are little tweaks you can make that will sharpen it even more. I felt it had really good rhythm and flow, I found myself spellbound as I read it this time, I got really caught up in the emotion and the imagery. A wonderful feeling.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
*Telescope* "And the devil sing its spellbinding tune"
*Telescope* "Her laughter entranced me with its infectious dancing."
*Rainbowl* Just a tiny edit. In both lines "it's" should have an apostrophe to show possession.


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
*Telescope* "But, alas, she is the sun and I am Icarus."
*Rainbowl* I think you could leave it at "she is the sun". It will make the reader form the connection between her being the sun and you being Icarus which could be a nice continuation of the allusion you begin with the line
*Telescope* "I felt like Icarus upon the floating cliffs,"
*Rainbowl* I feel like you could skip the second mentioning of yourself as Icarus and it would actually make that part of the poem stronger.
*Telescope* "I felt the heat rise, / And the devil sing its spellbinding tune"
*Rainbowl* I was wondering if the devil's spellbinding tune was something you felt or heard. The second line of the section above felt a little awkward and I would have liked it as "And [heard] the devil sing its spellbinding tune". However, if you did mean to say that you felt the spellbinding tune then there's obviously no need to change it.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
*Telescope* "Her laughter entranced me with its infectious dancing. "
*Rainbowl* The cadence in this line is beautiful. It somehow just rolls along in a really pleasing way. And the imagery of the laughter dancing is gorgeous.
*Telescope* "I take her hand and throw all caution to the wind. / O, be still my gentle heart, for we are at God's mercy... / And hers."
*Rainbowl* I really like the whole revised ending section. You did a great job of describing the pull towards the fire and fear of being burned. I love the final image of surrendering yourself to the seemingly too-good unknown. Haven't we all been there?

FINAL THOUGHTS:
*Rainbowl* Thanks so much for inviting me to revisit this poem. I'm really excited about what it turned into. I think you did a great job of writing what I would consider a very engaging, maybe even mind-blowing *Wink* piece of romantic poetry. Even after taking it apart to write this review I realize I'm still thinking of this woman. Who is she? What's her side of the story? Are you going to get burned, or will it all work out? That's the mark of a great story (in this case told in the form of a poem) to make the reader really feel engaged - and I do. I'm giving you four stars. It's great, but as I said above it will be even greater over time.


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Review of Her  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
A Muse Masters Poetry Review

Hi again. I saw this poem listed on the "please review" page so I thought I'd take a look and share my thoughts. Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:
*Rainbowl* I am not, by nature, a huge fan of love poetry and romance themes. I can get into it if it's really well done and unique, but it's not usually my favorite subject matter. Maybe because it's so easy for it to be cliche. Having said that, this piece was good, but it didn't blow me away. However, there were some really well written and unique parts to it.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
*Rainbowl* I didn't notice anything related to spelling or grammar, but in a few cases you had sentences spaced between multiple lines and in some cases capitalized the second line and in other didn't. For example:
*Telescope* "The warmth of her breath, / The softness of her touch, / the fulfillment of two broken pieces coming as one."
*Rainbowl* You capitalized "The" in the second line but not "the" in the third line. I would say just for the sake of people with mild OCD who tend to notice these things, stick to one or the other. In other words, have every new line capitalized or never capitalize the beginning of a line unless it's the beginning of a sentence. (I actually have no knowledge of whether or not that's "proper" in poetry but it's my instinct aesthetically)

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
*Rainbowl* Ok, here's where it gets tricky. I don't like leaving vague feedback and I understand that so much about poetry is personal tastes etc. I mentioned that the poem didn't blow me away but I can't quite put my finger on why. There was some stuff I really liked (I'll get to that) but some of it lacked a certain emotion. Perhaps it's that occasionally I feel like you could be more descriptive and give more detail. For example in this line:
*Telescope* "her heart would fill with such happy thoughts".
*Rainbowl* I liked this whole part about her mouth and her smile, but then this line lacks the imagery that started off strong at the beginning of the poem. I think if you could add more of the imagery and sensuality that is scattered throughout the piece it would be stronger as a whole.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
*Telescope* "Her lips were Egyptian satin with a taste of honey and vanilla."
*Rainbowl* What a wonderfully strong and beautiful start! I guess I could say this is the kind of romantic stuff I like to read. Show me what it was about her that drove you so mad and is so unique. Egyptian satin! It's so sensual and encompasses both such softness and such exoticness.
*Telescope* "the fulfillment of two broken pieces coming as one."
*Rainbowl* I think this is great, it could almost be cliche but it isn't. I read it as a double entendre and I like that it could mean physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, all of the above. I can also really relate to that feeling when you meet someone who seems to compliment you so well they could be a missing piece of you.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
*Rainbowl* I hope this review can be of some help. I think this piece has a lot of potential, but see if you can find a way to dig deeper into the things that made this love so strong and so toxic and let that come through more. Show me more Egyptian satin lips and seductive presence (another part I enjoyed). Oh, and by the way, I had to look up Gioconda. Brilliant! great use of a common allusion (which could easily be cliche) and adding a unique touch.

Thanks for sharing. All the best,
Unapologetic Poetess Author Icon

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Review of Fault Lines  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
A Muse Masters Poetry Review

Hi Cardawnia, I came to check out your portfolio after receiving a review from you for my poem Cup Full. Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

First impressions:
*Rainbowl* I enjoyed this prose style poem about where we should draw the line between a relationship worth fixing and one that needs to be given up on. I think you did a great job of capturing the difficulty most of us have probably faced at one point or another as we try to decide whether or not the situation we are in is worth fighting for.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
*Telescope* "I cannot find some balm; something to bring it back, it may completely"
*Rainbowl* The semi-colon in this line would be better as a comma. From what I remember of high-school english, a semi-colon is used to link two phrases that could be full sentences on their own. In this case you are interjecting the phrase "something to bring it back" in the middle of the sentence so a comma on either end would be more appropriate.
*Telescope* "before it totally breaks our hearts and becomes unfixable."
*Rainbowl* The first full stanza is a set out as a question but ends with a period. A question mark would be good at the end of the last line.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
*Rainbowl* I know that I often get similar feedback which has more to do with personal preference and style but I feel like you could edit this piece to make it a little more lyrical and poetry-like. It's tricky feedback to give because I feel like the only place this piece was lacking a little was maybe a certain rhythm. I feel it could be fixed by taking out some unneeded words.
*Telescope* "soon all that 'fault(line)-finding' will show ALL the cracks in the foundation / of our relationship and we will soon be overwhelmed by the immensity of repairing"
*Rainbowl* Above is one example, you could take out the word "soon" in the second line. I feel like there were a few other places in the poem where a little bit of pairing down could be done. But it's really a personal preference thing. I am a fan of "less is more" though it's not for everyone.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
*Telescope* "soon all that 'fault(line)-finding' "
*Rainbowl* I loved this phrasing. I really liked the way you put "line" in parentheses, It made me stumble on it just a little bit which gave the perfect effect of unsteadiness that I feel the poem is about. Just perfect.
*Telescope* "When I turn away and don't say another word"
*Rainbowl* I think that is a good example of where you are using imagery to paint a picture. And maybe that fits into what I was saying before about making the poem more lyrical. The old adage of "showing not telling". I could imagine you, myself, someone, becoming frustrated with the same old argument and just turning away from it. With those few words you painted a picture I could really relate to.

FINAL THOUGHT(S):
*Rainbowl* You did a great job of taking a familiar and distressing situation and telling it in a way that is very easy to relate to. I knew the thoughts and feelings you were talking about. The piece has potential to be even better if you can infuse a little more emotion and imagery into it.

I hope this has been helpful, thank you for sharing your poem. All the best,
Unapologetic Poetess Author Icon

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Review of Sliding Home  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shelley, I was really excited to read more of your work after reading and reviewing "The Crazy Ones". I am very drawn to your style of raw and emotional writing. You have a great way of saying a lot with a few words.

First Impressions:
This poem brought up so many childhood memories for me. Even though the memories you are sharing here are personal there, are many things any person can relate to from their own childhood. I feel that even the way this piece is written, in short, almost frenetic lines, evokes a sense of childhood chaos, the rushing from one thing to the next. I also like the nostalgic feeling of wondering what happened to those days that feel so easy, now that you're older and looking back on them.

Errors/ improvements:
There is a bit of inconsistency with your use of punctuation. In the first stanza there is none at all except for the period after the last line and in a few stanzas just a question mark here or there and the last line period, but in other stanzas there are commas and periods at different places. It's nothing major, but I like the flow of the first stanza with no punctuation in it - in my opinion you could even leave out the period at the end. The question marks are obviously useful and necessary but I think you could leave out most of the other punctuation.

Favorite lines:
There were so many lines that I loved in this. "Like little piggies in love" I thought was spectacular. And "till we all fell down" I really liked as well, it brought to mind ring around the rosie without you even having to mention it. But I think that the part that stuck out most overall was "Breathless loving sacred / Glow of knowing". It's beautiful, so simple and yet so complex and involved. I love that the next line gives you what the knowing was, but I love those two lines all on their own. It tells of the inherent way that children are able to tap into the sacredness of life and experience and express it without even trying, just by being their exuberant selves. That was what those lines meant to me anyways.

Thank you far sharing this great piece of writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Turtlemoon, I came across your poem in the Shadows and Light Poetry contest and I thought I would send you my thoughts about it. I hope that you find some of it useful.

First impressions:
First of all, of course, I was struck by the layout, the image of the house, I really liked it and it made me want to read the poem to see the significance of the image. I like the way that you subvert the genre of heartache poetry with this piece. It's a great lead in with the first paragraph suggesting that this will be a run-of-the-mill story of breakup and heartache but as we read on we see something quite different.

Errors / Improvements:
The only thing I found a little out of place was the line "No pitiful pants of air gave permission to grieve." To me it seemed like it would have fit better if it was "No pitiful pants of air given permission to grieve." But maybe I misunderstood your meaning. What I thought you were saying is that you didn't give the "pitiful pants of air" "permission to grieve". If I'm incorrect and this feedback makes no sense, please kindly disregard :)

Favorite lines:
"the vibrant essence of myself was not destroyed". It's such a great, powerful and empowering sentiment and I think it sums up well the whole message of the poem, that we can still find ourselves intact after heartache, that we have the capacity in ourselves to be whole on our own.

Final thoughts:
Coming back to the image of the house, I think it's perfect. I know that in dreams houses represent ourselves. This poem is a statement of how everything we need is already within us and it's so perfect that it's all neatly contained in the image of the house that you created. I think that it's well-written poem and I love it's message of finding inner strength in the face of heartache and pain.

Unapologetic Poetess
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of The Crazy Ones  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a very well-written piece.

First impression:
I felt a lot of emotion in response to your words on my first reading of this poem. It feels very raw and honest which is something that I really value in poetry. At the same time, I find that often when people create poetry about depression and despair there can be a lot of cliche and I think you did a great job of avoiding that and using words and images that were totally your own.

Errors / Improvements:
I didn't see any obvious errors and have no suggestions for improvement.

Favorite lines:
I loved a lot of the lines you chose. But I think that the one that stuck out most for me was "I sing to you in every voice I have and still you do not hear me." To me it gives a sense of how when struggling through hardships a person becomes two sides, the one feeling the pain and the one who sees the pain and tries to reach that painful part but often isn't successful.

Thank you for sharing this very personal and well-written piece of writing. You have done a masterful job of taking something painful and turning it into beautiful art.

Unapologetic Poetess

I.D ~ 2001330
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Review of Life Goes By..  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I must admit, I am not usually a fan of rhyming poetry, but I liked this lot. It was so sweet and simple. I felt all of the things that you were describing in just a few short lines. You did a great job of putting me into those situations. I wish I had some constructive criticism to give, but I really liked it all, especially the first two. My favorite part was:

A lustful stare.
A deep sigh.
The day goes by...

It made me smile, I always find myself smiling and flirty (with my eyes) at people, but then just walking on by and continuing with my normal life where no wild love affairs happen. I felt you captured all of that in just those lines. Well done.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this. I don't know exactly what it means, but I like that it makes me curious to know. The first paragraph gives me a sense of being a bit lost and unsure - there is all this knowledge at my fingertips, being in the library, but I don't know where to start to look for direction. The second paragraph recalls all the missed opportunities, the times we should have confessed something we didn't know how to articulate. The third is a frenzy of recklessness.

My favorite line is near the end "even old memories have flavors". It makes me think of the way a sound, a smell or a taste can snap us back to another time in our lives.

I have no idea what the last line means but I love it as an ending, just hanging there, inviting speculation. This is a great poem. I feel weird that I just talked about myself in this review, but I wanted you to know the feelings and emotions that it evoked in me. I think that this is the purpose of free-form poetry. Great writing. Thank you.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
What I liked about this poem is that as I was reading it I felt the anticipation of waiting for the thing that would bring it all together. Reading through the mundane list of things that are still the same and feeling that something more was coming. It seems like a sweet poem, but on the other hand I can't tell if the love is reciprocated or not. I think that it would improve the poem a bit to have a little more emotion in it: is this a sad poem or a happy one? But perhaps it was your intention that it not be known. Well written and succinct.
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Review of For so long.  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Thank you for sharing this very personal piece of writing. I think that you did a great job of getting across the pain and darkness you were living in. Over all I think it's well written and carries a lot of emotion. I would say that at times it's almost a little overwritten and verging on cliche. For example: "once and for all sever the ties that bound me" is a good line, but I think that it could be even better if it was written in more original language. That could also just be my own personal preference though.

A space between paragraphs would also make it more visually appealing, in my opinion.

My favorite line was:
"What at first appeared to be yet another cruel blade making its way towards my soul...instead ran its razors' edge delicately along the cords that secured me."
It's gorgeous, original and evocative. I think that you could make this a superb piece by saying more with less.

I hope that's helpful.
U.P.

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Review of Spilt Eggs  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I Stephanie, I just read your story and thought I'd review it since you were kind enough to review one of mine. I liked this a lot, it made me smile. I like that it's about something specific (the eggs) but it's also a bigger message about choosing your battles which we all have to do, mothers or not. The only error I found was "the occasional ever hour temper tantrum". Was it supposed to say "every hour"? I would also have put another space between the first sentence and the second paragraph just for visual purposes, but that's just a preference thing. My favorite line is this "The worst thing I have had to deal with is eggs, all over the floor." It's so matter of fact and humorous at the same time, it reminds me of so many mothers I know.
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Review of Grandma  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I just stumbled upon your piece, I really enjoyed reading it. I didn't realize until the end that it was two people's voices in alternating lines and then when I read it the second time, knowing that, it was so powerful. It's a very strong and emotional poem. Thank you for sharing it. The only constructive feedback I would give is that once, years ago, someone pointed out to be that saying "but yet" is redundant since they mean the same thing, if you care about that sort of thing you could change it, but I doubt many people would notice either way, I'm just a little OCD about that sort of thing.
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