Hi the scribe  , first of all, I just want to tell you that I really like this piece. You have done a great job of capturing the fear and anxiety of someone waiting to hear what might be some of the worst news of their life. I felt like I was on that emotional roller coaster with you throughout the piece. My favorite part was about the young mother who comes back happy and relieved, then realizes her guilt over showing happiness when others are still waiting to hear their results. This is a very astute observation. A think that's a key to great writing—noticing the small details and recording them in a way that others can recognize. I did notice a few grammar and punctuation errors, which I have outlined below. I just took the Comma Sense course through this site, so I'm a little obsessed with commas, as you will see  .
Walking into the room, my eyes were drawn to the brightly coloured walls and furniture. It had the feel of a children's waiting room, the type of room I had sat (in) with the children,(remove comma) when they were young. Was this designed to give a feeling of cheerful optimism? (capitalize "If")if so (add comma)it wasn't having the desired effect.
Tom squeezed my hand and smiled,(replace comma with period) maybe we were both thinking the same thing. We found a couple of seats(add period) "Do you want a coffee love? " Tom asked, his usually happy face looking tired and strained. I nodded.
As he left, I took a deep breath and looked around. There was nothing unusual, just a group of women and family members,(remove comma) in a waiting room. How many times have I sat in similar rooms?(I think there could be a better transition between these two sentences) But never with this overwhelming feeling of fear. I was quite sure it was a feeling that united all its occupants.
I went to the desk to give my details,(replace comma with period) the receptionist turned towards me,(replace comma with period) I smiled(add comma) as I was sure I recognised her, but couldn't put a name to the face. She took my form but made no acknowledgement, just("gave me"?) a professional smile. Did she know something I didn't? Was she feeling sorry for me?
Tom was back with the coffee,(replace comma with period) as I took the hot drink I asked him if he recognised the lady at the desk. He glanced over(add period) "Not sure love,(add period) why"? I just shrugged. I didn't want to explain my irrational thoughts. She didn't remember me, it was as simple as that. Was this the way my life was going to be?(capitalize "imagining") imagining people crossing over in the street, or seeing pity in the eyes of everyone I met.
I sipped my coffee. The pretty young woman sitting opposite was smiling,(remove comma) and chatting to her little girl. Her husband had his arm around her shoulder,(replace comma with period) they looked happy and carefree. I wondered how she could look so happy and calm, and then she turned towards me, and I recognised the look in her eyes, the same anxious look I could see every time I looked in the mirror. (I wonder if you could turn this last sentence into two sentences)
A nurse came into the room and called out Catherine Thompson. A small lady in her late fifties stood up. She had that same haunted look. The younger woman with her gave her a reassuring hug. They followed the nurse. I felt the panic rising in my stomach, as I knew it would soon be me following the nurse, and the cheerful bright walls, and smiling(add comma) reassuring people, wouldn't alter anything. (again, this sentence felt a little long and convoluted to me. It might be better as two sentences) How would Tom and the girls cope? I took another deep breath and tried to concentrate on the magazine I had on my knee, but the words were just a blurred jumble.
The door opened(add comma) and an elderly couple walked in. The man had a walking stick and struggled to get to a seat. They appeared to be in their late seventies,(replace comma with period, or add "and") I was shocked to think a lady of this age was going through all this, but then age is no barrier to this disease. As they checked in with the lady at the desk, I could hear them laughing, maybe with age we come to accept what life has to throw at us.
Tom was talking to me but I wasn't listening,(replace comma with period) I was watching as Catherine Thompson and the young women I assumed was her daughter, passed me to go back to their seats. Catherine looked red eyed and pale. Her daughter was trying to comfort her, but looked just as upset as her mum. They looked very similar with round (add comma)chubby faces, and dark(add comma) curly hair, jolly faces under different circumstances.
The nurse was back, this time it was the young woman sitting opposite who was called, (replace comma with period) she leaned over to give her husband and daughter a kiss,(remove comma) before she stood up to follow the nurse. As she walked away I thought, surely life couldn't be so cruel to leave someone so young without a mother. What was I thinking? This room was turning me into a pessimistic wreck.
I looked at the letter in my hand, going over and over the words,(replace comma with period, and maybe put the next part in italics or quotes) following your recent Mammogram, you are requested to attend the clinic for further tests. Try not to worry as in the majority of recalls, everything is fine. The words were quite positive, but panic was taking over, telling me I could be one of the not so fortunate.
Tom was reading the newspaper. I looked at his face, (replace comma with period)was I imagining the extra lines, and dark circles. (replace period with question mark) He turned and smiled. I smiled back. We were doing a lot of smiling lately, it was our way of saying, don't worry it's going to be ok.
As I picked up the magazine and flicked through the pages, I realised we had been waiting quite a while. That was ok, waiting was good. While we waited I could still be one of the lucky ones. I could go home and tell the girls I was fine, and life could go on as normal. All that could change once the wait was over.
The little girl jumped up off her seat,(remove comma) as she saw her mum enter the room. She ran over to her, and I could see the real happiness, and relief (add comma)in the young woman's face. I was glad she had received good news. As she reached her husband, she seemed keen to quietly leave the room, as though she felt guilty being happy, when she knew some of us wouldn't be so lucky.
The nurse returned. I knew this was it, my life could change forever in the next few minutes. As she called my name I felt Tom's arm on mine helping me up. We looked at each other, this time no smiles, just a terrifying acceptance of what lay ahead.
We followed the nurse, and left the bright cheerful waiting room behind.
###
Feel free to disregard any of my advice, or double check it. I think this piece is really good, and with a bit more polishing it will be great. If this is a non-fiction piece, I hope you are doing well.
All the best to you, in writing and in life.
~Unapologetic Poetess |
| (3.5)
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Immediately I felt a sense of darkness and a very grim emotional tone in this piece. The short lines and almost staccato words and syllables you chose do a great job of creating a very foreboding mood. I imagined this piece could be about the dark shadows we all have inside ourselves, the way a dark mood can envelop us and spiral us into even darker places. I could also imagine this piece to be about people in our lives who can impose their darkness and drag us into it. 
piece of romantic poetry. Even after taking it apart to write this review I realize I'm still thinking of this woman. Who is she? What's her side of the story? Are you going to get burned, or will it all work out? That's the mark of a great story (in this case told in the form of a poem) to make the reader really feel engaged - and I do. I'm giving you four stars. It's great, but as I said above it will be even greater over time.