I applaud you for searching deep into your life, and expressing where you are from. You have encouraged me to do some searching on my own life. This would be a good writing exercise for everyone to do.
Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family! Keep writing and I will keep reading!
This is a beautiful tribute to your dad. I am so sorry for your loss. This couldn't have been easy for you to write, but the imagery you used in your poem is awesome! I felt like I was right there in the cemetery, the damp grass soaking my shoes, as I watch you pour your heart out to your dad. I could actually imagine you cradling his headstone the next time you visit him.
Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family. I truly look forward to reading more of your creations.
I LOVE this wonderful tribute to your family. I know it states you wrote this for your husband, but it also includes love for your children and mom!
When I am analyzing a poem I look at the following: rhyming/cliches/rhythm/meaning/mood/imagery/speaker in the poem/expression/misspelled words/and if commas, periods and capitalization are needed.
The rhyming in your poem is wonderful.
The rhythm is mostly flowing, but with a few added commas and periods, it can be gliding.
The meaning was easily noticeable with a look on life, loving and remembering.
The mood was romantic, content, satisfied and thankful.
I didn't discover a lack of imagery.
The speaker in the poem was the poet themselves.
Expression was handled in an understood and positive way.
I didn't discover any misspelled words.
The ONLY things I would change, deal with commas, periods and capitalization.
You are welcome to use my advice or toss it
In each Stanza, after every 1st and 3rd sentences, I would add a comma. Us poets have to remember to let our readers catch their breath and breathe, while reading our poems! Commas let our readers do this.
In each Stanza, after every 2nd and 4th sentences, I would add a period.
I am always around if you would like me to go into more detail.
I truly look forward to reading more of your creations! Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family.
I LOVE this poem! When I am analyzing a poem I look at the following things: rhyming/cliches/rhythm/meaning/mood/imagery/speaker/expression/misspelled words/and if commas, periods and capitalization are needed.
You nailed it with the rhyming
The rhythm mostly glides, and with some comma and period changes it will rock!!
The meaning was easily noticeable with remembering and a look on life.
The mood was cheerful and playful.
The imagery blew me away! You used awesome descriptive sensory language, which included details of taste, touch, sight, smell and sound
I could easily tell the (fantasy)speaker in the poem was the poet themselves.
Expression was handled in a positive way.
I didn't discover any misspelled words.
The ONLY things I would change in this poem are commas, periods and capitalizations. You are welcome to use my advice or toss it
In each Stanza I would add a comma after the 1st sentence.
In each Stanza I would get rid of the commas that you have at the end of every 2nd sentence, and replace it with a period.
Us poets have to remember to let our readers catch their breath and breathe, while reading our creations. Adding a comma at the end of every 1st sentence, lets your readers catch their breath.
In each Stanza, the 3rd lines, Capitalize the first letter, since the line before ended with a period.
In each Stanza, the 3rd lines, I would add a comma.
I am always here if you want me to go into more detail. I really enjoyed reading your creation, and I am adding you to my favorite poet list!
Thank you for sharing your poem with the WDC family!
Oh my Lex, I can so relate to your experience. In Oct. 2001, I and 3 other CNA's were fired for reporting RESIDENT ABUSE! The Director stated the firing was justified because we reported the abuse to an Agency LPN, and not an In House LPN!! The 2 that were abusing the 87 year old resident, got to keep their jobs AND they were given $700. Bonuses at Christmas time! So I can tell you that I truly know the frustration you were feeling and the disbelief when your suspension happened.
Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family. I am happy but also sad to learn that I am not alone with what happened to me. I guess it happens everywhere :(
JeJaw
Hi Lindsay! I found your poem to be very interesting! I never thought about rain like that. Who knew there was more than one kind of rain? You obviously! LOL. Not me!
I look for many things while analyzing a poem, and there is only one thing I might change.
The lines that end with 'when you are sad' and 'when you get upset', I would switch them with the lines, 'in a drought' and 'in the summertime'.
That way if you present your poem this way:
"The rain that streams down your cheeks when you are sad.
But look deeper.
The rain that floods your insides when you get upset.
But look deeper.
The rain that demands to be felt."
I feel those two lines work so well being placed right before the line that says,
"The rain that demands to be felt".
You are welcome to use my advice or toss it
I enjoyed reading your creation and I look forward to visiting your portfolio again!
Hi KindredKitty! I saw the title of your poem and I knew I had to check it out. This is indeed a very dark, emotional poem.
There are also some scary parts like, "Mold me as you wish, I will follow your demands, I'd rather be your puppet." No one should ever have a wish to be controlled by another human being in a relationship. That part gave me the chills. Not an easy thing for a writer to do to me, so for that you get 5 stars!
While analyzing your poem, I only discovered one area that needs some work. You may use my advice or toss it
Your poem needs punctuation throughout.
The words, 'Youve', 'Id' and 'cant', all need an Apostrophe.
Maybe add some commas and periods, as these let your readers catch their breath and pause, before moving on to next line. They really help in making the rhythm in your poem glide.
You should definitely enter this is some contests and WDC Newsletters. Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family. I truly look forward to reading more of your creations.
Keep writing and I will keep reading!
JeJaw
Hi Micah! I saw your title, 'Beautiful Pain', and I became curious so I had to check your poem out! Your poem is very sad and love can indeed be painful. As I was analyzing your poem I discovered some things, and you may use the advice I give or toss it
Let me start with the rhyming: It needs some work but that is part of the fun!
The rhythm is stumbling, BUT can be gliding along with a few changes.
The meaning in your poem was easily noticeable with remembering, hating and loving.
The mood was a depressing romance.
You pretty much nailed it with providing your readers with great imagery!
I could tell the speaker in the poem was the poet themselves.
Expression was handled in an understood way.
**I really feel if you present your poem with a different look, you will have better results.
Maybe break it up into a few stanzas. How about something like this:
She's the prettiest picture
In the ugliest frame.
We turned a beautiful love
into a beautiful pain.
There was never another
she was my sun and my moon.
Soon as I told her I loved her
she said, ”Baby now you're doomed”.
There was a time that I loved you
thinking you loved me the same.
Transformed a beautiful love
into a beautiful pain.
Now my heart is so heavy
you couldn't lift it with a crane.
You were the sun in my sky
but know I'm praying for rain.
**You get the idea! Writers try their best to never start their sentences with the words, 'and/but'. It is like a writer's rule
So in the few stanzas I presented to you, I corrected some misspellings and got rid of a lot of capitalizations!! Tell you a little secret, there is no need to capitalize every single word in your creations. When you do that, you make the reader feel like you are yelling at them. In return for that not so good feeling, you will end up turning readers away, and no one wants that.
You and I and all other Authors want to share our creations with the world, so it's best to not capitalize everything. Just my opinion.
I think you have a wonderful poem here, and after a some tweaks it would definitely be contest worthy!
I thank you Micah for sharing this with the WDC family, and I look forward to reading more of your creations. I am adding you to my favorites list of Poet Authors! I am always here and there if want any help with your poem.
Keep writing and I will keep reading.
Take Care,
JeJaw
This breaks my heart dear friend. The imagery tears me apart. Their malice needs to end, may a tranquil place surround your heart! Verbal abuse is just as serious as Mental and Physical abuse. It couldn't have been easy to write this, but I am thankful that you shared it with the WDC family. Your message is strong and may those that need to hear it, read your creation. Keep writing and I will keep reading my friend
Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family! The words you have chosen to use show a great example, on how to leave depression behind and move into the light. You have a wonderful start with your poem, using the Free Verse Poetry style!
The following continues what I've discovered while Analyzing your poem, and you are welcome to use my help or toss it
The rhythm stumbles quite a bit, as you have run on sentences. You don't want your audience to have long sentences to read. Strive for a flowing/gliding rhythm.
I could easily tell the meaning in the poem was a look on life.
The mood in your poem was cheerful, playful and most of all jubilant!!
The imagery you portrayed in your poem ROCKED! Awesome Job!
I am always looking for who the speaker is in a poem, and I could easily tell it was the poet themselves.
Expression was handled in a positive way.
As for misspelled words, the very last line you wrote about Copyright, the word 'concent' is spelled, 'consent'. There is another misspelled word in stanza 5(eucalipts)should be eucalypts.
Concerning Commas, Periods and Capitalization, your poem needs a good bit of work of adding and subtracting these.
Let me give you an example of how I would write Stanza 5:
"Oh the summer heat, what a glory to behold. The depth of colour
in the sky so brightly blue and calming. To the dark and threatening
thunder clouds that bring the blessed rains. Oh the delightful smell
of the eucalypts after the summer storms, the freshness in the wind,
as it skims along the shore. Oh to feel the summer sun, on face and skin
and sand."
**Try not to start your sentences with the words, And or But.
I really enjoyed reading your creation and I look forward to visiting your portfolio again Zoe! Keep on writing and I will keep reading
Take Care,
JeJaw
Your message encourages everyone to go out into the WDC world and have fun reviewing! I firmly believe that every time I read a poem it helps me to become a better poet. Like you, WDC is considered part of my family. I am very happy here and feel loved by all the support I receive from my WDC family! Thank you Jeannie, for sharing why you like to review. I look forward to visiting your portfolio again.
I have never heard of this type of poetry style. It looks really cool my friend! I love how each line is a fact, a well worded statement. God is truly the beginning and the end. God is Master and Creator of mankind. Your creations rhythm flows beautifully. In a way it is kind of lyrical. I think I may have to try this poetry style. Thank you for sharing this wonderful message with the WDC family!
Welcome to WDC! You have a good start with your poem. I have some suggestions to help your poem along, and you may use my advice or toss it
First, the poem looks very cluttered in one paragraph. How about a little spacing apart
like this...
Life is such a beauty
everyday is our duty,
to treat another with love
and share God's glory.
We're here for a purpose
because life is so gorgeous.
You get the idea! I think presenting your poem with a clean look will go a long way.
Second, decide if your poem is going to rhyme, and if so, what poetry form are you using.
Third, decide if your poem isn't going to rhyme and be Free Verse etc. So many different styles of Poetry out there and I love it!
Fourth, keep an eye on the rhythm in your poem..does it flow/glide nicely or does it stumble.
Fifth, pay attention to the mood, meaning, imagery and expression in your poem!!
Sixth, always be on the lookout for misspelled words(which there are some in your poem), and know where to place those lovely commas, periods and capitalization.
I hope this has been a help to you and I am always here if you want to talk. Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family I look forward to reading more of your creations!
Oh the lovely writer's block strikes again! We all go through it. After experiencing writer's block, the author can truly appreciate the moment when they write their next poem or story!If I feel a writer's block coming on, I do one of the following:
A. Read a newspaper to get an idea for the title of my next poem
B. I look through magazines and see what pictures jump out at me to write a poem about
C. I go to the library and grab at least 2 of their oldest poetry books and then on every even number page I write down the ONE word that grabs my attention and I write it down. By the time I go home I have so many words to work with, and you would be amazed at the poems I have created by doing this!!
Oh the ideas are endless. I enjoyed reading your poem and I thank you for sharing it with the WDC family.
BEAUTIFUL and filled with so much love! The imagery is done so well that the reader feels like they are standing off to the side, watching you and your husband gaze at each other for a long time
The rhythm is gliding right along. A wonderful dedication to your husband.
Only one thing I would change is in stanza 3, line 4..I think 'week' should be 'weak'.?
Thank you for sharing this with the WDC family.
I was going to ask you about this the other day and forgot. Was 2006 the last time WDC had a Convention? If so, why? Wonder if we could get people interested in this again. Shoot me an email and let me know what ya think Where would they usually hold the conventions at? It was really sweet of you to host a Convention Recap Contest
This poem is ROCKIN girlfriend!! I was practically dancing while reading your poem. The rhythm flows and the words you used to rhyme with are perfect! So true that if someone doesn't believe in fairy tales, does not mean that they feel jaded or bitter. It's called, 'Been there done that and know better!' A person becomes wiser by 'staring reality in the face'.
My favorite lines are:
'I'll make my mistakes
and gladly welcome the lessons I learn."
Lady you should enter this awesome creation of yours in a contest!! I LOVE IT!
This was a powerful message about abuse and I applaud you for giving women out there that are going through something like this, a voice!! Worded very well. Two of my favorite lines are:
"You will put his needs first, and take the scraps he throws your way" and
"Because you are THE QUEEN, and queens bow down to no one."
You should definitely enter this in a contest! I am adding you to my Favorites List I look forward to reading more of your creations.
Hello! Welcome to WDC!! You have a good start with your poem. To help the Rhythm glide in your creation, I would suggest displaying it like this:
A willing darkness
a place all of certainty.
The insentient whisperings
of this place call out.
You ignore them
knowing they will only destroy.
Unable to comfort and feel.
Unable to achieve anything
short of nothingness.
For this place doesn't,
shouldn't,
couldn't
possibly exist.
When writing a poem and depending on Poetry Style, just keep an eye on your commas, periods, capitalization, misspelled words, rhyme, rhythm, mood, imagery, expression, cliches, speaker in poem and the meaning. This is only my advice and you may use it or toss it
This has great contest potential. Thank you for sharing with the WDC family. I look forward to reading more of your creations!
Hello! Welcome to WDC! You have a good start with your poem. To help with the Rhythm I would like to suggest displaying your poem like this:
Days pass in Russia and spirits are low,
waiting for the lost Eskimo.
With bread gone stale and potatoes dried,
families are left alone to cry.
An hour later the families are gone,
but the question is, will they live on?
This is so freakin sad FS. Please remember YOU said it BEST with this...
"Through life experiences I have risen smarter". YOU are STRONGER now more than ever with what you've been through. You will be NOTHING like those in your past! Also, YOU ARE someone's son..we at WDC have adopted each other. YOU have a STRONG family that is ALWAYS here for you! Fivesixer
I am so sorry that you lost your only son Janice. You truly do know how it feels. I've discovered that writing about my loss has helped with the healing process. I want to THANK YOU for sharing a little of your story with me. I was only nineteen, when I lost my baby Christopher Scott. I was one month away from the due date and I noticed my baby wasn't moving inside me. All was quiet. My husband rushed me in to see the OB/GYN doctor and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't need my doctor to say anything, I knew from the look on his face that my baby was gone. I was rushed to the hospital where I had an emergency c-section done. The umbilical cord strangled my baby boy. My husband and I only got to hold him for a little bit before he was taken away, and head to the funeral home.
You never forget the baby you've lost, but the pain does become less and less over time. Having other children definitely helped ease the pain from my heart over the years. My doctor wasn't taking any chances with my other children. He took my second son a month and a half early out of me and my daughter the same way! Thank the good Lord both survived! Yet, no one can prepare a parent that the outfit they've planned to bring their baby home in, may be the outfit they bury them in.
Thank you for taking the time to read one of my creations. It means a lot to me. I look forward to visiting your portfolio again! I am always here if you want to talk.
(((Janice)))
How dreadful for those that would be affected by this doom :( Great imagery though! The reader can see the clouds just rolling in and taking over earth. The thunder sound is enough to cause a heart attack. I will go one step farther and say that the raindrops are so heavy, they knock the birds out of the sky! Thank you for sharing this with your WDC family! I look forward to reading more of your creations.
Lexi Lady PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE start this contest up again!! I am having a Contest Crave moment lately So far I've got 6 poems entered in 5 Contests! I NEED more Contests! I know you are gonna soon have your hands full of the Sweetheart's Contest, but don't forget about this one! ok, I said what I had to say..my 2 cents are on the table
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jejaw
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 4:17am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Welcome to WDC from "
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I look forward to reading more of your creations!