*violet* Hey there Joshiahis… I’ve been walking around in your portfolio this bright Sunday morning. Lot’s of interesting stuff in there! I landed on this short story. I’ve read and reread and I have to say… Well done! This story is just packed! Lot’s of action. Lot’s of emotions. Really good imagery… your words have painted an excellent picture for your readers. Each character and scene is well expressed and alive to your readers. Hey… You got it!
What really impresses me… You wrote this story in such a short time frame. I understand that you created it for a specific contest and just threw it together? Well… it doesn’t come across as ‘thrown together’… no… it appears to be well thought out. I find it really cool seeing where you wrote about the certain things as required for the contest. It just all flows well… doesn’t seem to be forced together… at all! Hey… I’m utterly impressed here… I’m glad I took the time to read and thus got a dose of inspiration.
How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
This writing brought to life for me the… oh… how do I say it? Well, reality. The frustration from Duvall such as, having such a life endangering job and feeling shorthanded… unappreciated… to the point of becoming a backwards cop. This made an impact on me I guess because it showed me how good people can go bad. Though he respected life and cared much of preserving Maria’s… He had made choices that ultimately left him responsible for her demise.
You have it well expressed about his shock regarding her death. I honestly felt every emotion that the main character, Duvall, felt. I felt the disappointment in risking his life daily for a measly seventy thousand and a crappy retirement package. I felt the pressure about money … as in much of his thoughts in the beginning centered around… example: the stained tie being another fifty down the drain.
So really … You did a great job of creating the emotions for your reader. Though I didn’t like Duvall’s backward ways… I understood him… you brought him to life for me and even made me like him just a little bit.
I also felt his anger… I liked his ‘no nonsense’ attitude. He’s a good guy and bad guy all in one! That rocks!
Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
Uh no…
No really I can… I’m faced daily with frustrations regarding finances etc… so yeah… I can really relate to Duvall and his reasoning.
What did I like most?
I absolutely got a kick out of Trey Dog! The imagery is awesome. I just saw him rolling around, beat to a pulp… refusing to offer any information about his homies. He is a cute character… AND the ending where Daz gets the scoop that Trey Dog was found with a broomstick … you know where… Oh Yeah… That is just the icing on the cake! Hahaha…
I like the way you stopped that scene at Duvall’s threat and next we see him and Ernie speeding off to the location of the homies. So it left your readers to wonder what happened? Then at the end… you came back and let us know, with a bang! That is a great suspense that was wrapped up so nicely!
It is what I liked the most. Though I feel bad for ol’ Trey dog! LOL … still… well done…well done…
What did I like least?
I don’t see the reason Maria did get shot? Daz popped her before he learned the news about Trey Dog. After, Duvall had given him the information he needed. I guess maybe it was for the insurance policy? I guess that makes sense… but it doesn’t seem to be clearly stated as to WHY?
I’m a softie when it comes to blood shed. So this may be just a beautyfromashes question… but I hate to see a child’s life shed so carelessly without a good solid reason and explanation behind it. I do think it was for the insurance policy… but still as I reader, I am left to assume.
Duvall’s confusion… shock… dismay are so clearly explained during this scene… and I felt just exactly what he felt!
There may be a few grammar mistakes… maybe in dialog? I’m not going to point them out because that’s not my specialty… but you may want to do a quick check to ensure all is how you want it.
Did anything stand out?
Yeah! The Broom Stick! HAHAHA
Also, like I said earlier… you did really well at bringing in the objects and topics of that requested by the contest. They just flow and fit right in with the story you are telling.
If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
I don’t know if your work has been judged yet? But I know you got a good shot at winning first place. You have created an awesome story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your creation. I’m not one to stay tuned with something that doesn’t strike my fancee… honestly, I have a short attention span… I read this story of yours twice… to ensure I didn’t miss anything… that says a lot because I don’t usually make it through 2,564 words.
You kept my attention through out. You did a good job! I’m voting for YOU!!!! Thanks for being a part of WDC and don’t stop!!! Keep up the good work!
This is really cool. I enjoyed reading very much! It caught my attention because I have a blog item titled as "I'm singing my song" and when I read what you had to say about this it really opened my mind and actually gave me some hope.
You wrote most likely "Work" is where our song is mostly heard. I get so discouraged sometime and your words have given me strength.
This is really neat. I am very glad that I stumbled across your portfolio. Actually, your handle caught my attention and I knew right away I would find something I could use within.
You have invested time, experience, wisdom and lots of prayer within this writing. It is evident. It is God sent to me! Just what I needed at this moment. I found much wisdom and inspriation within your words. Thank you! I do look forward to strolling through the rest of your port.
I really like this.. Great imagery... well written...awesome descriptions… breahtaking to me! I can totally relate. The passion is just pouring out of your words. I think you have done a great job. Some of my favorite lines that you created:
Too long, since I have kissed with abandon. ending this sentence with the word ‘abandon’ just adds so much to it…
Eyes smashed shut as the world disappears. is just an awesome statement.
I’m glad I ran across your port today and I will be diving even deeper… Great work here… Glad you’re here at WDC.
I really enjoyed reading this. I think you have done a great job and it was a pleasure of mine to get to drop you a rate and review.
The flow of your work is good. I like your style. I don't see any obvious mistakes. I love the story you are conveying and the emotion is just overflowing from you work.
This writing is extremely heart wrenching… I think you have done a great job at expressing emotion through written word. The flow is great, it just rolls right off the readers tongue.
I especially like the line:
I'll carry you with me no matter where I go
and you'll always watch over me this I know
So I pull myself up off the floor
and I carry myself out my bedroom door
It is overflowing with strength and wisdom. Obviously the writer has faith through the pain that surfaces in times of great need.
You did a great job. There are just a very few typo’s or grammar mistakes but nothing too distracting from your works content. Write on!
Hello. My name is Jennifer and I am one of the judges for
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1163673 by Not Available.
You did a wonderful job with this! Great work! The flow is awesome, the emotion is packed! It’s just overall a great poem. You express yourself quite well through this work. The imagery is good, the rhyme is perfect, and rolls right off the readers tongue. It doesn’t appear to be forced rhyming at all.
Hello... My name is Jennifer and I am judging for the
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1163673 by Not Available.
.
This poem has great rhyme and flow in it. Just rolls right off the readers tongue. I think you did a good job with this. Your idea is clearly expressed…
Addicted to the color purple… I’ve heard it all now! Kidding… great work and keep it coming…
Very interesting writing here.... I enjoyed it, I think you did a fine job at writing it and conveying what you wanted to convey to your readers. It seems you sort of just scratched the surface in many areas, I guess if anything I would recommend that you dive deeper, but actually as is... you did well.
Write on~ I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hey this is an awesome writing! packed with emotion... it's like oozzzing with feelings.... Well done... Isn't that the beauty of poetry, we can just let all our emotions run wildly on a page... and you did just that.
I am impressed with your ability to convey your feelings and do it so beautifully.
Here I sit (alone ) in my room
Day and night so full of gloom
As I sit here (isolated ) and alone
I long to here hear you on the phone, * suggest: long to hear your voice on the phone
I waite wait for the day you’re again by my side
Together forever till our end, we will ride
To run my finngers fingers over across your sweet face
To feel your touch (and) warm embrace,
I love you so much it hurts deep inside
But baby this love is to big to hide
Your lips on my lips, I yearn to feel
My love, my feeling are so strong, so real
You love and support me in so many ways YounYou never fail to show it, eatch each and every day
I'll always love you, this I swear is true
Patiently waiting for the day we say “I do”
You and I living our lives together as one
Loving and sharing, having a life filled with fun
I love everything about you Thereshere is nothing I hate
They say good things (come) to all those who waite those that wait.
Hey there… I did my best at pointing out what I think needs correcting. Remember I am not an English Major nor a professional poet. I do think that you use too many comma’s and in this edit version I took them out. I also tried to use the strike out tag to show you what I felt needed changed and then I typed in what I thought should be added.
I think you have a wonderful talent for writing poetry and it is just pouring out of your heart. I love that and that’s why I took the time to edit and help you as you asked because I see so much talent within.
Let me know if there is anything more I can help you with. I think your right, this is one of your very best. Remember, Take what you like and disregard the rest, we all have our writing style and I am for sure not trying to push mine off on you..
Hope you are having a great Easter Sunday!
Jennifer
PS The only reason you are getting rated lower is because of the spelling and such... in my opinion this is a masterpiece in the making. I adore your style in putting words together. I am still rating a fairly high mark for you...
Hi! Thanks for directing me to this writing of yours. You are right, I greatly enjoyed it and today is the perfect day for me to read it.
It is so nice to see others love for our Lord and that I could never put a rating on. I like the different colors that you use, it makes an impression on the readers mind.
I also love your matter of fact demeanor that is seen through this work, you get right to the point, no beating around the bush.
On a personal note, I agree with everything you wrote in this writing and I am so thankful that others feel the same way and are willing to say so. Well done Friend!!!
Have a blessed Easter! And Keep telling the world about JESUS!!!!
There are little bitsy typo's that could easily be corrected if you use a word document as you create your writes. This is how I do it because sometimes we have so much to say and it do it so quickly that we miss the little details. I do recommend a word document to most of those I review because it is so nice to not have to sweat the small stuff...
Hi There, Just passing through, thought I would drop you a note in regards to this poem.
Wow.. Packed with a punch... I can feel the emotions just ooozzzing out of your words and you did it with a great flow and rhyme.
I can totally relate to this writing , it is right up my alley and I felt what the writer was feeling. I think you did a good job, I see much writing talent within this work and also it is great therapy for the soul isn't it...
I am glad that you are here and I welcome you with open arms. Write on! Good Job
Hello and WElcome To WDC, Not bad at all, friend. I was just passing through and thought I would drop you a line. I believe that you have much talent in writing. You seem to do good in imagery and descriptions. I like the style that is coming through this work of yours.
I imagine there is a profound meaning to this writing. I am not sure that I grasp it completly but I can still see the beauty all over it. Keep up the good work.
Hey it's me again.... Just dropping a note to let you know I ran across this work of yours. My review is alot like the last one... once again, I see much talent with your ability to make words flow, express emotions... Very good job with that.
The spelling errors and typo's take alot away from the poem. Again, use the word document to fix those and I believe that you work will fly with you
Hey there... Welcome to WDC. This poem really rocks. The flow is awesome, the message conveyed is undeniable. The only problem I see is the typo's... a few misspellings.
I recommend that you use a word document. Cut and paste your work onto WDC and that way it will catch all the tiny bitsy mispellings and such. Other than that... This is awesome, I can see that it was written from the core of you... Well done
Hi. I would like to welcome you to WDC. I stopped by your port and read this poem of yours. It is really packed with emotion and feeling. There is no doubt that you are feeling the words you write. And that my friend is impossible for me to put a rate on. I do hope that whatever is inside of you that brings these words out with time will heal. I believe that time is the healer of many wounds.
I do think that you could cut back some of the words, and get your message across using fewer of them. The poem seems to be more like a letter in a sense, in my opinion.
I really do like the underlying message that is conveyed. The idea that we all basically put on masks and pretend to be or feel that which we really don't. That is a great topic to write about. I feel with a little more time and effort this Writing could really rock!
Again, Welcome and feel free to email me if you do desire.
Good job on this Dave. I know I have said this before but you are really flying with your writing these days. I see so much improvement since you first began. Your words flow just perfectly, you have clear and cut underlying message... and make it obvious as to what you are conveying. I adore the way you write about your faith, it's like there is more to you than meets the eye... and your colors are just surfacing one after the other.
I am so proud to have been a part of your beginning here on WDC and it amazes me how much you have accomplished in such a short time. Good Job... Great work here...
I love these lines:
If he thinks I have all I need
I accept with humble grace
Never been a man full of greed
Always been one to know my place
I’ll keep reaching for the stars
Keep setting my hopes high
Or never fill the void inside
At least I know I gave my best
Always let my feelings known
I’ll never do anything less
Even if it means, for me to be alone.
I really enjoyed your poem. It is something that I can definitely relate to at this point in my life. I love the ending line when you say, was it really all for naught? That is like a positive ending to maybe a rough circumstance. To me, it represents the idea that all things happen for a reason. All people come into our lives and sometimes they depart from our lives but there are things that they live behind. They change us, teach us, help us grow, and if we are wise, we take it in a positive direction.
I also love this line:
I gave him up this time,
Despite the way I feel.
I may be biased because this work of yours just spoke volumes into my own circumstance. I really got a lot of this writing and I thank you for posting it.
“A poem of making a choice to do what’s right though it hurts” Very catchy… caught my attention and made me dive into your words. Well done! Thank you!
Wow, you did a good job on this poem. The flow is awesome, just rolls right off of the readers tongue. Great rhyme and flow… couldn’t be better.
This writing to me is quite profound. I am not quite sure that I even grasp what you intended to convey but there is no doubt that it is beautifully written. I believe you invested quite some time into creating this work and I think it turned out wonderfully!
I am glad that you’re here. Feel free to email me anytime. I look forward to exploring your portfolio even father.
Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jen414
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 9:28am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
What did I like most?
What did I like least?
If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
