I really liked the theme of this poem, that everyone has to accept their fate in the end, and stop fighting it.
My only honest criticism is that I didn't really understand the line 'the wonder and your stars cease to impress," do you mean they cease to impress the reader? It seems to contrast slightly with the imagery you used of fighting and cheating to find happiness. Or perhaps it is just me!
I especially liked the line "only to discover the wall sinks far deeper than you can burrow." This has a really ominous tone which makes the final part of the poem about acceptance really powerful.
I'm going to give you 4.5 stars, for originality and for the profound theme. I like inspirational, real poems like this one.
Wow. That was a seriously gripping read!!
Really, I was genuinely trying to read faster towards the end so that I could find out what happened to Franklin!
Things I liked: I think you picked a brilliant plot. Plane crashes are always horrific and fascinating, so you ensure that the reader is interested from the beginning.
I like the way you start the story with the plane lurching, so that when we learn about his past, we are still interested in what happens on the plane.
I really enjoyed the use of the work "leaped" in para 8 - As the plane leaps, the reader leaps back into the present.
I particularly enjoyed the sentence "His eyes were full of fear that he didn't completely feel yet."
I thought the use of a volcano in the end was an interesting twist, and you gave no indication of this previously, which makes it really effective.
Things you could work on: The story needs proofread. There are quite a lot of spelling mistakes, and i think you missed out a word in para 1 ("His Scotch and spilled a little.")
Also, I'll give you some advice that somebody on this site gave me! It's best to leave a space in between paras to make it easier to read. You should also take a new line when a new person speaks.
The only part I thought didn't really fit in was when it mentions Franklin's credit cards being maxed out - would this not usually be the case for a poorer person than him?
Overall, I think it is a really, really good story, and that is why I rated it 4.5 despite the technical flaws. What a page-turner. Good luck with it!
I really liked this story. I can really sympathise with the idea of just getting away from it all, and I think the general idea of the story is beautiful.
Just a few bits of criticism (this is only my opinion!)
I found the fact that James was actually paralysed when he fell to the floor in the shack a bit unrealistic. Perhaps if he had just collapsed to the floor in exhaustion and lay thinking it would be a bit more believable and therefore more powerful.
Also, I would like to know more about the land that he inherited when he finally sees it - What does it look like, why is it so beautiful? Perhaps you could cut out some of the other details - and then a vivid description at this point would work wonders.
Overall a lovely bit of work, and I really like the way that you write - you have a nice flowing style.
Good luck with the piece, I hope this has been helpful to you.
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