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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jennlit
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8 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is wonderful story, and I think when you include art work, children will love it. You have a novel idea ( no pun intended). Most stories focus on the traditional "white" unicorn. So a black one will help you story stand out.

I saw a few areas I would change;

This unicorn was not only special because he could grant wishes, but because he was as black as midnight without any stars. ( I would add the name here) because when you do first mention the name, it's a bit confusing.

Meshell, the mystical mermaid, who was the protector of the black unicorn and the land, lived inside the pond. The Princess wanted Moonlightning, the black unicorn, for evil reasons and Meshell did not plan on letting her get close enough to succeed.

I would put this line under the one above, and leave the description of the land where it is.
Princess Lelah was looking into her mirror and started laughing with a high-pitch cackle. "I will find the black unicorn and I will take over this whole land."

I would then add a small description. like the Princess went out the next day, she was up to no good. Or something like that.
"Come here lil' unicorn; I have some sugar for you." The Princess trudged through the thick plants and grass looking for the unicorn.


from the water you could see ivy climbing the wall that protected Cobal. Protecting the wizard? Or his house?

Cobal thought and thought of how he could rescue the black unicorn. He knew him and loved him very much. Yes, he would save him.
not sure you need this part, maybe a rewrite. His conversation w/ Mershell just before this says he will help. So leave this up to you.

Princess Lelah didn't protect it like the Queen had done for years.
Somewhere you might want to explain how the Queen had protected the land. That way you can make comparisons between her, and the Princess.

he would not exist anymore. You repeat your self with this. You already said "he would die soon."


He whinnied and stood up on his hind legs and nuzzled his face into the wizard's hands. This may be a bit nit picky. But is this animal really small? most horses,/ unicorns are taller then people. or is the wizard really huge?

Princess Lelah saw the change and ran out into the land to where she held the black unicorn prisoner I thought Moolighting was in a cage?


When she awoke she was crying, her cold heart was now warm (how did the sleep, the wizard put her in, do this)

In the end she turns things back to her step mom, can she learn from her, so that when the Queen dies, the princess would be able to rule in a kinder way.

one other thing. I have four children. I read books they like to make sure the story's are ok for them. If your goal is to continue in this Genre, please check out the books children are reading. Not sure what age you are aiming for with this story. It would make a wonderful picture book. But it is a bit simple for any child over the age of 7 or so.
2
2
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I really liked this, can't wait to read the rest! I saw only one flaw in the text;

I waited until they reached me, holding myself perfectly still as the man who seemed to be their leader (and the one who had gone first with the girl on the floor) came near and was doing my best to put fear on my face. It wasn't difficult to look fearful of him ( it says came near and was doing my best..... I would put an I before was. When I read it the first time, it made me confused. Who was putting fear on her face, the nasty guy? How did he do that?

Otherwise this was a bang-up story. Now I want more, description of the Eternal, the girl, where does the Eternal come from. Please write more, soon.
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