Very cute nice poem, I love the entwining of weather conditions and words and rhymes, such a nice poetic image.
I think the second part of the poem should present a similarly powerful comparison, so peace could be represented by an image like a flock of doves or an eternal building or a natural event like dawn or the peace of dusk...I don't know. I came form the high of the first part but the second seemed not as powerful, in terms of imagery.
I really like it but I would phrase it in a more evocative way, to entice the reader- I'd also move 'blocks' around. To me a poem needs to feel like the unboxing of something beautiful you have received, the way it's now (no offence) I can see everything straight away.
So this is my corrected version:
'LUCKY LUCK'
Sat by the ocean, waves that corrode the hulls of ships,
The ocean is smart, bro! Millions of tiny creatures, and the salt
The ocean, a natural home to some,
And an unnatural hell to others (me)
Tomorrow will be present, in a few short hours –
It is a day away. So, bro, do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?!
Believe in luck, the ocean says,
and believe that you’re lucky.
When you’re good at numbers,
you calculate then the odds of staying alive
in the cold water without being eaten.
If you’re lucky! You can stay out in the water for days
Until your luck runs out. One challenges the odds and the math,
While the other challenges God and the angels watching over him.
Tomorrow will be lucky for all, to defeat an average existence(maybe!)
We don’t have to deserve stupid luck, just ours to claim.
Believe that you’re lucky, punk, and believe that you’re
Gaining ground on some long, steep odds –
Because you’re trying to do the best job you can, right?
That helps! And the best effort you can give
Deserves some stupid luck
Only
Don't call her stupid.
As you can see, I have created a scene where the poet sits by the ocean and reflects. You may add some sensory stimulus like waves and the smell of salt for example. Maybe refer to it at the end again.
Great piece for a Christian audience as the author clearly says that they live their life embodying Christian values. From what I read there are milestones, travel, love all seen through the lenses of his faith: clearly family oriented. I find a bit strange though that the author would marry someone else a few days after his beloved wife dies -especially as the wife is described as his 'eternal mate'. I don't quite understand how Maxine can be happy with pictures of the deceased wife (just being honest here). I think this needs a little bit more thought on how the subject is introduced.
I think there is some great imagery here, I would be mindful of how this is going to be described: I would go for an emotional evocative angle, avoiding a story that is centred on the narrator, but rather the characters. So for example instead of:
'Another story happened when I was a teenager: my family had a little girl dog named Bitsy. My story is short, and it involves Bitsy and me. One day, I was holding Bitsy in my arms, and I started blowing with all the breath I could muster into her face. Well, she didn't like that, so she instantly jumped up, and she sank her teeth into the columella, which is part of the nose. So, I immediately screamed, and I pulled her out of my nose and away from me. Afterward, I was still in pain, and I learned a big lesson to never mess with Bitsy again, which I didn't.'
I would say:
When I was a teenager, my family acquired a little dog whom we called Bitsy. This is a short story that illustrates Bitsy's character perfectly! One day, I was holding Bitsy in my arms, and I started blowing with all the breath I could muster into her face (don't ask me why). Well, she didn't like it one bit! She immediately jumped up and she sank her teeth into the columella (a part of the nose). I screamed and pulled her out of my nose and away; afterwards, I was still in pain, but I learned a big lesson to never mess with Bitsy again -which I didn't. And I can laugh about it now as I have my nose in one bit.
It's more about Bitsy than you - and may I say-why would you blow your breath on her like that? It's somewhat strange...but funny, if you highlight that you were a child.
I think the story of this life would be interesting in terms of showing what life was like in the community you grew up, and how your Christian values shaped your decisions and life course. It needs to be emotive and you need to make others the main character of the story, while you are the witness and storyteller.
I hope this helps!
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