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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jenstra
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Review of The Black Swan  Open in new Window.
Review by JA Hobbs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Interesting story.

I find that reading a story out loud can help to sort through some parts that might be confusing to readers. Here are a few nits I caught.

I hope these edits help.


"Ever since she’d [gained the position of] >BECOME an exec [in this particular] AT THE architect [business[>OMIT firm..."

"They [both]>OMIT shared Sharon’s horrid secret..."

"The dark sky [looked] APPEARED foreboding..."

I find this paragraph a little confusing...

"It was six-thirty or so, when Sharon finally left her office. The dark sky [looked] APPEARED foreboding OUT OF HER WINDOW. She was always staying late, finishing up expensive designs. Her secretary in the front office had left her light on, having already [G]one. The other empty offices made her freeze in her tracks, knowing how important the Strand Corporation was."

---Was Sharon upset because no one stayed to work as late as she had?

"She let the warm water soak her body, melting into the thought of a dream-infested midnight."---Clarify. She wanted to go to sleep??

"She was [runnnig] RUNNING a course of a million miles..."

"...she took the string of pearls her lover had given her and crushed them in her hand..." Maybe, ripped the strand from her neck? Crushing pearls indicates superhuman strength.

Good luck with your second draft : )
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Review of Devoured  Open in new Window.
Review by JA Hobbs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is interesting : )
I'd like to see some more character development though.
The story seems incomplete.
I might suggest tackling this story from a different point of view, unless you'd like to go deeper into why Kate is reacting the way that she is.
In a first-person story, is important that the reader understands why the character is reacting the way that they are. How the character feels, more than the outward showing of emotion-the resulting tears. The reader should see what Kate sees, and then perhaps you could follow with her reaction.
Interesting concept!
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