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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jeshu
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42 Public Reviews Given
301 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I feel that your lines don't always convene well what you try and capture about these tender moments.

I suggest something like this reads easier (hope I got it.)

Standing just inches away
her face twitches
an awkward smile.
Staring ahead, facing you
she's damaged...
you can tell
displayed so beautifully.

Oh yes, she's beautiful
her broken heart
and tear stained cheek.
She's gonna get to you
her make-up running
and your knees going weak.


I hope you realise I'm only suggesting, trying to captivate these moments with smoother running lines and better placed words, improving the vivid imagery and moments you try to captivate and portray.

I do really like your theme and conclusions though.

Gerry
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Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Yes you gave good expression and I recognise the times and places you speak about, very well. No death is not an ending - but a trap life drains into, as well as a new beginning arising out of the old chaotic destruction of the dark days and cold nights a depressed person has been through, as life for the depressed is bound to improve over time - for the survivors that is!

You go into describing physical reality first moving into the spiritual/psychological side of the affliction. This can be somewhat confusing to people who don't understand the psychological side of depression - at first they understand somewhat what you mean but then they get lost - as the depressed person does - but the reader doesn't necessarily understand this aspect of depression perhaps make a clearer break between the two.

I think you could power-up your poem with words such as dark(ness), isolated, cold, empty feelings, dull, inner fires burning, lonely, alone, doubt, shame, fear, bondaged, oppressive, death, dying, kill, joyless, emotional cut off, unstable, lightening strikes, storms, insecure confusion, hell, hellish, and thoughts flashing, spinning, demanding, calling and accusing etc.

just a few suggestions to spice your address a bit..

(I made the change you suggested to my poem - hope it reads better, thought the word I used originally did describe the situation very well, I thought.

Thanks for sharing and reviewing.

Gerry
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3
Review of I Remain  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey you have very good insight and the determination to make your life a purposeful existence and that is what living life is all about - seeking, finding and keeping - growing in self-hood and understanding along the way - turning the lonely existential experience called I AM into a living collection of being - saying - 'My Reality/Purpose/Meaning and Fate Is To Be Truthful and Lovingly - Myself.'

(Wrote an personal expression about this which you might like - addressing the very essences of your quest.)

"Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

Great job


Gerry
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Review of Winter Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I really relate to this poem - I suffer from Schizo-affective disorder and know the crushing strength of psychotic depression all to well.

You captivate through picture some language the essence of an attack of depression - keeping something so horrible interesting to read.

Well done.

God bless

Gerry
5
5
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting article about an even more interesting book the Bible. I like how you run the story through the golf clubs imagery - hadn't come across something quite so interesting. Also how certain books in the bible are under quoted.

Please keep your love for Jesus central in all your writings - we need people who dare to publically acknowledge God.

Well done.
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Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A very moving poem with some ugly themes running right through them. You wouldn't call it a beautiful poem as the subject matter is to sever but still well done.

Your rhyming scheme works quite well apart of these lines.

The body that's me,
battered and beaten, struggling to breathe,

and

he knows I understand
the demons inside will return again.


But don't let that phase you to much - your poem is still good, I reckon.

All the best with it.

Gerry
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Review of Too Many...  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
excellent poem. Good thought patterns, nice flow. The only problem I have is so many repeats reduce the impact of your overall meaning.
Still despite the repeats you hold on to your theme and that is nicely done.
The length is good as well

All in all a job well done

Gerry
8
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Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You did a nice job here you even got me to smile at the ending - and that can be hard for I'm a very serious person really.

Just your last line seems a bit long compared to the others, perhaps you could shorten this a bit.

And the mouse always remembers when lying in some hay, to close the door. (which may take a bit of work.)


Otherwise a nice poem.


Gerry
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Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I sure wish reviewers adhere to your arguments a bit more. I've had many reviewers marking me down because they disagree, others refuse to rate my work because it is Christian. Others think it is funny to mark poems that rate a 4.5 or a 5 with a 1 or 1.5

Your article though, is very well written and clear.

Wish you a great day

Gerry
10
10
Review of Painting Chaos  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very nice story, clearly written and to the point. I like it very much. I also like how you enfold the theme through the daughter. And how you added these little details - like the mail being sticky taped, the answering machine answering in duel voices etc. Poor mum she has little go left, stifled you call that I think.

Well done

Gerry
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11
Review of The Butterfly  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Yep, my mum ruled as had her mum, as has my wife (I sat/rested in the gate, observing all.) - nothing wrong with that in love and wisdom that's for sure.

I really like how you used the butterfly to give the poem more substance well done.


Good poem.

Gerry
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Review of Time Passes  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love the way you capture the old man's reality....to space his thinking... it makes it much more effective.. I feel.

Your best lines for sure are,

"Then….the old man smiled ….remembering
it was there in his aging heart
the yesterdays…..with friends….gathering
to warm him with their memories……."

That is all we have in the end - our memories (and even that is very incomplete - as memory can trick us into believing - one sided aspects of the events of the past.)

I like how you portray the 'end'
"come home...old friend..come home.."

For old people death doesn't seem as harsh then for someone in the middle of their lives or worse a child or young person.

All in all you did well.

Gerry
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Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very deep and meaningful poem. Though you introduce your poem with a few simple lines, the complexity is already woven through the words - giving much more meaning to the stanzas that follow.

Your best lines are in your second stanza,

"But a malediction spread its magic black
across the hours promised
in a game of wasted years."

I reckon that you touch upon a truth that many find in their relationship - though only some get to the last part of the same verse.

Your ending is VERY powerful and brings the whole poem to a wonderful ending.

Well Done.

Gerry
14
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Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Melizabeth

I will take up the challenge that you put to the readers and attempt to give you some ideas to finish your poem.

Where are your torn and wounded hands?8
where are your two weary feet? 7
Where are all the love scars,6
from when you bore your cross?6
Live while you do the living, 7
but live your life for Him;6
I have scars to show -
don't loose your life.9

Here you are it is all in the right syllables I hope I didn't change the original intent to much.

God Bless

Gerry
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Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Not a bad effort but yet a bit disjointed and unclear. Where and what wilderness are you going on about? What battles had already taken place and how had they survived? To use the word God, wouldn't that be wrong - your setting demands for a god with a name - such as Thor or something in that vain.

Why didn't they get into cover when they heard noises? To walk in the OPEN through enemy country is folly!! Why didn't the mage protect them?

As you can see many questions. Try being a bit more descriptive language and give the reader some historical facts about the victims.

All the best with your book

Gerry
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Review of TYLER JAMES  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeshu Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
G'day

Lovely poem very sensitively spoken. Your first stanza is the best I reckon - so typical for a small boy.

Hope you are having lots of fun with the little fellow - who should be five or six now.


God bless

Gerry

Ps. Being grandparent is fun - I'm just learning to see.
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