Love, love, love the ending. It's weird--part of me wanted him to make it out, beat the race against time. Very good plot, good dialogue, etc. I esp liked the quotes "Two men in Sears suits..." and "A light drizzle baptized him on the way to the car." I also liked the fact that the caring sister was the bitch, and the reader is trained to hate her early on, and must unlearn this first impression.
However, the line "But she still had the look of clean porcelain doll innocence. Just like her mother at one time" sounded awkwar. Perhaps instead of "at one time" maybe "once was" would sound more coherent.
""Yea,” Timmy squealed" was the other quote. Maybe an exclaimation point? Because sqealed is a good word, but he doesn't sound as excited as the tag implies.
This poem sort of took me off-guard, because first you were talking about a fancy-dress party, then something totally different, even though it fit. I had to shift mind-gears, if you will. It was very good, though, and flowed nicely, excpet for the second-to-last stanza. The ryhme scheame doesn't match up with the rest of the stanzas.
Absolutely hystarical. I've been to Jersey a few times, and that's exaclty what it's like. Also, since this was all about driving, I took it especially to heart. As a driver-to-be, I dread driving places where people are like this. This was really funny, though, and adressed every situation, from traffic to getting the lisence (hmmm...if it's really that easy to get them, I wish I could live there, just for a few monthes...sort of)
This was an interesting story--especially that, even though Zero wasn't part of the squadron, and he had broken rules, they let him fly. I did wish that the story was more detailed, with some backround information. Also, I think that you could definitely add a little to the end, because it sort of leaves you hanging.
"And finally you violated safe flight protocol"
SHOULD BE
"And, finally, you violated safe flight protocol"
This poem was very good. I was surprised at how many words you used per line, but it was a nice change in flow. This is probably the first work I've reviewed in a long time that I don't have to make any gramatical suggestions about, so congrats to you for obviously passing English class in high school. I could also make a connection to this poem, because I left behind friends when I started school, and there are some that I talk to, still, and some that I don't. And, although a family is in my (very, VERY) distant future, I hope I get the same type that you obviously have.
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