This is really unique! I really adore this story and I am going to make a point to read the other sections. There are a few spelling errors, but that is it. The only thing I would say is try to make the switch between Reg and Hyper-man a little more obvious. Right now, at some points, you get a little confused at who's point of view it is. Other than that, I have no other comments! Keep it up!
Basically there is a very confused perspective throughout this story. You need to decided whether you want Willow or Morgan to be the main chracter, or flush the story out and have a chapter with on and then a chapter wit hthe other. I liked how you started it, with the two texts. The discription of Morgan was a little forced because it was confusing which perspective you were telling it from. That being said, after they get onto the couch, the rest of the story goes great. You really found your vocie during that part. Keep up the good work!
Chapter 1 Review. You have a great start, there are just a few things that need to be tightened up
luxuriated-this is a very uncommen word, barely used, i think it would be better if you switched it out with something the reader will more easily understand.
Tonight, however, besides the gleam of gold, the lights revealed one final reminder of the day, sitting by itself at the end of the long, formal table- this is a very long and convoluted sentance, if you break it up it will give the paragraph a better flow and will be easier to follow.
his long-time, head manservant-remove comma
“That’s not a restored cover.” His eyebrows arched in appreciation. “That’s an original. Probably late eighteenth century, maybe older . . . maybe much older.” Ornate, gold-engraved scroll work adorned the rich, dark red leather cover. Mint condition, he thought and then spoke out loud, “No title. No author listed, either . . . Hmmm.” - It is very good to have the character speak out loud, however if he was speaking into a recording device or recording it on a peice of paper i think it would make more sense for readers.
Other then this, you should not refer to the book in italics just yet, since he doesn't exactly know what it is or what to call it and while contractions in a sentance when the character is speaking is okay, you should take contractions out of the body of the novel.
I very much enjoyed this and I am willing to review your other chapters if you found this helpful.
I thought this was great. I have never read anything like it and it was very interesting, I couldn't stop reading it. I absolutely loved it and I hope you will continue wiritng it. Keep it up
You need a lot more description because the people who are reading your writing don't know what your school looks like or what your friends look like. Other than that its great! Keep it up.
I think this is a great beginning! The writing is a little awkward because at some points it seems as if the character is retelling her story from the past then other points you bring it to the future. The transition is pretty awkward. However, this story completely intrigued me and I believe you should continue!
Cheers!
Jessica
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