Jim's (jim-d) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

3,473 Public Reviews Given

3,521 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.

I'm good at...

I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).

Favorite Genres

Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense

Least Favorite Genres

Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.

Least Favorite Item Types

I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.

I will not review...

I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.

1

Credit this reviewer

#4851135

Review of The Preservation of Pain

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey Emberly Gray

,

I found this on Read & Review & Review and thought I'd drop by for a visit.

You've started a good story here. I enjoyed the plot and flow of it, but it needs more. I loved the idea of a time capsule from 2026, but you have me wondering about the Great Collapse. A little backstory about the collapse would really help the reader understand what happened back then.

I do think that a little dialog by Elias would help. Right now the story is all Tell, with No Show to it. As you probably know, Showing gets a reader really involved in the story, makes them want to continue. With tell, it's like we're sitting around a campfire swapping stories.

Should you decide to edit this, you could add a little bit of dialog with something like the following.

1. What did Elias think to himself when he found the capsule?

2. I bet he would have cussed loudly as the gel began to infiltrate his suit.

3. Most likely he would have screamed before his last thought,

It's small things like this that will not only lengthen the story, but pull a reader in causing them to want to read more. You want to build in a reader a compulsion to continue reading.

A good story, it just needs a little bit of Writing TLC. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

2

Credit this reviewer

#4850841

Review of Marvelous Melia

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey ♥Marvelous Melia♥

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Reviews page and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

I read a couple of your items, particularly the one about the 2005 Convention. I wish I'd been a member then, I would have gone (schedule permitting). I chose to review this one though, and see you haven't been on the site since November!

I like your choice of words for this word search, it does help a member get to know you a little more. What could be better? A Biography of course! However, IF you choose to write one, I recommend using a Thesaurus & Spell Checker. I noticed a few misused words in your article about the 2005 Convention, and noticed one thing here.

1. I write partially to educate If you write Partially to educate, what's the rest of your writing intended to do? Or did you mean to say I write particularly to educate? This is a minor error, but it does stand out.

A nice Word Search that helps one get to know the author more than one does now. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

3

Credit this reviewer

#4850612

Review of Happy Dance

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Amethyst Snow Angel

I found this on the Read & Review page and thought I'd drop in for a visit.

I smiled almost the whole time as I read this. I could see Snoopy, Linus and Charlie Brown dancing in his house. Then Lucy showed up again and ended up dancing along too!

It's short stories like this that can make a day for someone. While I didn't need my day made for me, it was still a very pleasant read. Try as I might though, I couldn't find anything that needed a suggestion from me. Thank you for sharing, and making my day!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

4

Credit this reviewer

#4850169

Review of There will be cheese.

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey John

,

I saw this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop by for a spell.

I have to say, I'm a bit more competent than Skylar in a kitchen.

I was smiling as I read this, wondering what else Skylar could have done, Motor Oil in place of Olive Oil? Wow. The worst we did, as newly weds even, was to leave baked lasagna in the oven overnight. The worst part was, we were staying (house sitting) at my Commanding Officer's house! Yikes! We had forgotten about the Lasagna, until we turned on the oven the next day. (This was before Microwaves were available for purchase).

She might follow recipes, but it doesn't seem she understands what following a recipe really means.

Definitely a humorous story that makes someone who can cook decently, cringe. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

Credit this reviewer

#4849709

Review of Danica #1687 in Elysium: Part 6

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey DelusionsofDying

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop in for a spell.

Your story in a little interesting, I'll say that about it. I see that it's a chapter in a book you're writing, so I'll not worry too much about the basics of a story. I do recommend that should you decide to edit this series, that you do a couple of things.

1. Increase your font size. It appears to be a font size 3, I recommend using a size four font. Why? It makes it a lot easier to read is all.

2. Along with increasing the font size, double space the lines between paragraphs. Again, it makes it easier to read, and also allows it to look more polished.

3. Add a short prelude to each chapter so a reader (reviewer) can learn what's going on. I had no clue about a lot of terms you used, an example would be 'All-Wise'. I'm fairly certain you explained this in an earlier chapter, but a little info by way of a prelude would help.

An interesting chapter to a much larger work. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

Credit this reviewer

#4849570

Review of I Staved Off The Howling Beast

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey lorilady

,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 20^th WDC Anniversary!

First, I'm sorry you were laid off. Since this was written 16 years ago, I assume you've moved on from that.

I really enjoyed your poem about your feelings when you were laid off. However, no where in your poem do you mention that happened. It seems you danced around the subject with your analogy of the Howling Beast. I enjoyed it as I've said, I just feel it has to tie in to being laid off is all. And it doesn't.

To show you why I don't think your analogy is good, do the following.

1. Print the poem, make sure you don't print the brief description. Now read it and tell me how you know it's your feelings about being laid off.

If I may, I have a couple of suggestions for you, should you decide to edit this.

a. Include the poem's title in the body of the text, above the Poem itself.

b. Center the poem on the page with the {center} command. (Personal preference here).

A nice poem that doesn't hit the mark as far as being laid off is concerned. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

Credit this reviewer

#4849440

Review of "We Fly Out Tonight," the General....

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey tophatfiddle

,

I was browsing for something to review tonight and came across this.

Once again, you've crafted quite the story here. It's part of a larger work it seems, but I don't see it in your portfolio right now. This is quite accomplishment, writing 1000+ words/day as you've been doing. I'm hoping you tie at least some of them together. I would rate this a bit higher if it was part of a larger work, maybe a novel. Right now though, you start a reader on an interesting story, only to drop them. Right as the reader becomes engrossed in the story, you end the story, or maybe end the chapter. I think that would cause a reader to question if they really want to read more of your writings. Is that what a writer wants? We both know the answer to that.

A good story that really needs to be continued. Thank you for sharing!

Jim

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

8

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4849044

Review of Pleasure

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey JACE

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop by for a visit.

Well done! I wondered what was happening here. You described the scene well, you had me. Except for one very minor issue.

Wouldn't the Dentist be wearing a mask? If so, how would she see them as his tongue caressed them? Though you didn't say she saw that, you only said, His soft full lips parted slightly, glistening in the light as his tongue slowly caressed them. This could have occurred without her seeing it, but the implication was there just the same.

A VERY short story with an ending that may surprise you. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4848912

Review of Lessons in Love

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey Jacky

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

This is a good short story, as long as you aren't looking to read something with depth to it. What I mean is, (and this is not being critical of your story), it's a good short story that seems to jump into the middle of things.

Boy, Ted sure seems to be burning the candle at both ends romance wise. Oh wait, both ends, and the middle! How many other women is he flirting with or romancing? With three of them showing up at this party, I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

I have no comments for improvement, though this is far from perfect. The beginning seems to be the middle of a larger story. The end leaves us hanging. The plot is developed decently well, you show us that Ted is indeed a Playboy. Interesting.

A nice story that should be a little longer to allow development of the plot. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4848729

Review of Cat Calls

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey THANKFUL SONALI Happy 2026!

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a bit.

This is an interesting story you've written, a bit mysterious, but that mystery was solved at the end. using a larger, bold font on some words was a little distracting for me, which makes me assume this was written for a contest.

The idea of the soon-to-be hotel being haunted by a cat was good. I wondered where the sound was coming from, you showed us the source later on.

This is well written, but I did see one area you might want to look at, should you consider editing this.

1. Only eccentrics like the five friends currently in residence every showed up. And she could not - shudder - deal with the ghost of a cat, that she couldn't. Every should be ever. Also, I don't understand the last part here. that she couldn't. that she couldn't.... what?

It's a nice story needing a minor edit to a small part of it. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4848622

Review of A Heart Twice as Brave

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey Emberly Gray

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop by for a visit.

First, I sure as hell hope this is fiction, and not non-fiction. One of your genres is listed as Opinion which is little confusing.

This needs more detail, just like #5 said in Short Circuit. "More Info!" This is well written, but it lacks detail. I realize these are two chapters (the second one will become longer, right?), but all in all, they truly lack details about your son's condition. You also jump right in to this with very little (actually none at all) prelude.

For instance, you wrote in the second and third lines, I had carried him for nine months, imagining his tiny fingers, his first cry, his perfect little face. But the moment he was born, the world shifted. What about those first eight months? Assuming he was full term, what about the first 36 weeks you carried him? A little buildup there, a little prelude would go a long way to introducing the story.

You did a good job in describing your reaction to the news of your sons health. When I arrived, the words hit me like a storm: “Your son was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.” I froze. My baby—my perfect, tiny boy—had only half a heart. The world blurred, tears spilling freely as I tried to breathe, tried to comprehend. And what immediately popped to my mind? Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome? What the heck is that? Unless you are a doctor, I doubt you knew too. So tell us about your reaction, the questions you asked the doctors. Then, as you have already, describe your reaction. Don't be afraid to go overboard a little here.

The second chapter needs more, a lot more. I think an important question I have is, "How is your son today?" Did he have the surgeries you mention? Tell us about them, what was done. Feel free to generalize here, not too much detail.

This is an excellent start to your story, I realize you're probably working on how you want to present it. You might consider adding a passcode to it until you're reader for it to be reviewed. Please tell me if you do that, please tell me when you finish the story. I will return and re-review it and change my rating.

Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4848515

Review of The Toilet I Wished For

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey Jeffhans

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

I knew what you had found the second you said, There on a platform is a toilet so without a second to waste, I undo my pants, drop trousers and let loose.

The biggest issue I read in this, is that it's all tell, no show at all. I'm sure you've heard these words before. Everyone says, "Show, Don't Tell!" And it's true. When you show something in your writing, you engage a reader. How many times have you read something, and it didn't engage you at all?

You're probably thinking, "What are you talking about Jim? What do you mean when you say engage?" Well, let's change one word here, and see what you think. When you show something in your writing, you engage a reader emotionally.

Let's use a little bit of your story here to demonstrate show vs tell. First, your version.

I asked if we could go use the bathroom.
He asked if it was urgent.
I replied that it wasn't yet, but maybe soon it would be.
We stop looking at whatever he was looking at and start looking for a bathroom.

Now my version, with a couple of words edited.

After suffering from a few stomach pains, I asked my father, "Dad, I really need to get to the bathroom."
He replied, Is it urgent?"
"Not yet Dad, but it's getting there."
We stopped looking for whatever came to the store to get and started looking for a bathroom.

This is a very tough cookie here to really engage a reader, but which version made you feel more sympathetic towards the boy?

The two lines about your father finding you would have been a great place to really hit a reader. Do you see the secret to showing, and not just telling? Yes, it's the use of Dialog! When you need to lengthen a story to meet a prompt, or just want it to be a bit longer, dialog is a great way to do that. Conversely, if you need to use less words, find a way to not only delete some descriptions, but also delete a little bit of dialog.

The thing is, you say you were only four when this happened. The dialog I used is not that of a four year-old. You might want to change that drastically.

Yes, you had me smiling a lot as I read this. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4848292

Review of Borrowed Time

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey Dan Hiestand

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

Wow, what a story! Telling you I enjoyed reading this would be an understatement! Reading it was a very pleasant experience. I don't know where to begin in writing this review. There's nothing to comment on, other than 2 very minor issues, should you decide to edit this.

I think your ending confused me a little bit. What happened to Katie at the end? Did she survive the accident? I'm curious. Also, I felt you handled John's Time Traveling ability quite well. No explanation was needed at all.

As I said earlier, I saw two things for you to consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. That explains why I was falling in love with her.

2. Ignoring the thoughts of Katie, and the kiss meant to linger a day that turned into forever, I slid closed my sliding glass door and flicked on the A/C. Telling the reader it's a sliding door means that slid is redundant.

Though it's a little long, it is definitely worth anyone's time to read this. I do recommend you read it. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4848191

Review of A Dirt Road Led through the Village....

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hey tophatfiddle

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by.

You have quite the start to a story here, I enjoyed it. Be that as it may, it is incomplete, which accounts for my rating.

Writing 1000 words/day is admirable, it really is. But what you write must make sense, it must be coherent. This is not. It's like you jumped into the middle of a story, and offered no explanations about how it came to be or what. If I hadn't intended to review it, I'd have stopped after short while. I have to wonder about that 1 review, or at least the 1 5 star rating. Who sent you that, I'm just shaking my head over that. I don't rate as a friend for anyone, I rate & review based on the quality of work. This has potential, but you have a lot of gaps to fill in.

I'm not sure your story has a good beginning, it seemed to jump into the middle of something. I didn't realize Joel and Samantha were on a foreign world until you described the planets suns in the fourth or fifth paragraph. That brought several questions to my mind. What were 2 humans doing alone on a foreign world? How did they get there. Were they from a ship, or did they use some kind of futuristic tunnel? Were they marooned there or free to leave when they wished?

The plot seemed to start developing, until they sat down to eat. Foil Rectangles containing sandwiches? It would seem that if they were so far advanced, they would have other means of food. You lost me when I read that.

The ending was almost non-existent. They rise to leave, and Samantha wants to get her backpack.

A decent story with plenty of gaps that need to be filled (editing TLC) so future reviews will justify higher ratings. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4848007

Review of The Perfect Murder

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey Deano Sharples

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in a sit for a spell.

I thought your story was very interesting. Nick & Tom, what a pair. One thinks up a basic story plot, the other writes the story based on that thought. Nick's initial idea of two people going on a hike to a high mountain, one being left behind to die in the cold was good. I also really like that Jean crossed them both up, that was an excellent touch.

As much as I enjoyed it, it does seem to need a little editing TLC. Should you decide to edit this, I noticed a few lines for your consideration.

1. You used a lot of generalities in your story. What I'm wondering is, how did Nick write a story based on Tom's initial idea? Did Tom contribute other ideas to move the story along? I ask this because of lines like this. "Well, you may be the actual writer, but I'm the one with all the great ideas and that's why we are such a good partnership. All those great films and plays we wrote. They are all my ideas." I just think you need to provide more detail is all.

2. I think that Nick essentially using Tom's latest idea to potentially murder Tom was foolhardy at best. Tom would have seen the similarity between what Nick wanted to do and his latest idea. But I don't have a better idea. Do you?

3. Nick shouted too quickly when Tom initially accused him of him of fraud. If Nick expected Tom to believe him, he wouldn't shout initially, it seems he would shout later as the two of them talked.

4. There are 2-3 places where your 'tenses' appear to be incorrect. Here's one for you. The next morning Nick went into the front room where Jean is reading the paper. She noticed that he was deep in thought and a little troubled. It seems that the word 'is' after Jean should we 'was'. Is is present tense, was is past tense. Since this is written in past tense, it seems to fit better.

A very good story that needs just a little, minor tweaking to allow it to shine for future reviewers. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4847768

Review of Tommy Held the Door and Carter....

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey tophatfiddle

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

You've written the beginning of an interesting story here, one I'd like to learn more about. But I find it's missing two of the three components every story needs. It has the buildup/plot, but where's the beginning and end? Please allow me to explain what I mean, though as a retired English teacher, you know far better than I do what I mean. It is well written and flows well, but.... Let's get into my review.

This story seems to jump into things with no introduction. A reader has no idea who Carter3 Reynolds is, where he's from, his background, etc. For that matter, the same can be said for Tommy. After that, we are introduced to a room of 'stuff'. This stuff is only mentioned in the second paragraph; I'm left wondering what it's used for or why it's needed.

Carter meets Phillipston, who appears to be a former comrade of some type. I won't go into that much, but after that you end the story. And it was just gaining steam and had my interest!

Should you decide to edit this, I'd like to offer these suggestions.

1. The title. It's really the first 6 words of the story. Surely you can come up with something better. I know you're new (a newbie) at Writing.com, or WDC as most of us call it. Still, this needs a title that draws a reader in.

2. Write a beginning to this! Introduce us to what's going on, or is going to happen. That equipment in the second paragraph ... What bearing does it have in the story? Introduce us to the major characters in some way.

3. The buildup of the plot is too brief, and too weak. Give us more info!

4. Decide how this will end, and write that.

An interesting story that needs a bit of editing TLC to allow it to shine. Thank you for sharing!

Jim

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4847131

Review of The Last Two Cups

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Hareem

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by for a minute.

What a lonely person Maya is! Three months have passed since he left and she still longs for him. Sometimes, saying that final Goodbye is the hardest. How do you accept that the one you love has left for good? I remember those days of not letting go, of always wanting to help her. We finally went our separate ways legally and officially, but I still find myself thinking of her.

Try as I might, I could find nothing that needed to be corrected. One thing I will say is this though. Everything you post on WDC (or elsewhere), use a spell checker on it, as well as a Thesaurus. It's the little things that count and make your story or poem look so much better. More professional if you will. I do this for all reviews and posts everywhere. My older stuff has not had this done to it, I'm slowly getting this done.

I will say that I would love to read more about Maya & Daniel in this story. In other words, I'd love for it to be longer. A little more background on the two of them and their relationship.

Should you choose to edit this, I have a few suggestions for you. Suggestions, not a critique of your story. These are formatting suggestions, the way I would format it.

1. Center the title above the story. Since you're still a bit new to Writing.com, or WDC as many of us label it, I tell you how to do this. Highlight the words "The Last Two Cups" with your mouse, then click the Center Icon on the toolbar above your story. It's the same icon you see in most word processors.

2. Do the same thing to highlight your story, but now click the three S, slowly increasing, much look much like this. sss I use Font size 4 in most everything on WDC now. That previous sentence, and the review, is Font Size 4.

3. Double space your paragraphs. I know people say it's no longer necessary, but between using Font Size 4 and double spacing the paragraphs, your story suddenly looks a lot more presentable.

A nice story of love and longing, longing for one who has left. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4846781

Review of Love and protection

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hey HuantedInk

(Julia),

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

You have the start of an interesting story here, but just a start. Now why would I say that? Please allow me to explain.

Every story needs a beginning, and while yours is a little sparse (at least for me), it is usable. You also need a middle part (Confrontation) to build the plot/storyline. Yours seems to fall short in this regard.

What I'm saying is, your story starts in the middle of things. An example would be the carjacking attempt the week before. You don't need to include that segment, but how about an opening of Julian's father introducing Julian to Merrick. We both know Julian would have questions about why Merrick is needed, so a little back-story at that point would work well.

The third part needed in every story, is the ending of it. I hate to say this, but as written, it falls flat on its face.

Here's what I often see, in myself, and experienced writers. You have the story in your mind. You know where you want it to go, you have the flow down pat. Then you start writing it, and forget that your reader doesn't know what you know about it, and leave out vital, needed information. I suspect that happened here.

I also have a few specific comments about what I saw while reading this.

1. His father, Charles vale, sighed. “Julian after last weeks carjacking attempt it’s clear you need someone to look out for you.” If vale is their last name, then it should be capitalized, Vale.

2. “Give it about five minutes I have interviewed and alternative. There are more than one issue here. First, it's not clear who is speaking, though I suspect his mother is talking. Secondly, closing quotation marks are missing from this line, and the word and should be an. I want to also add this. What bearing does his mother have in this story? What does her wearing a designer sundress have to do to further the story? It seems that this was added just to provide descriptions of things. The sad thing is, with no further bearing on the story, it's not needed.

3. “yes I can fight.” Kim replied. Yes should be capitalized.

4. “I mean it looks like Merrick here could easily pick you up and” *Julian said while motioning merrick determined to try and have no bodyguards. As written, this line makes little sense. First, Merrick should be capitalized. Also, I don't understand the use of the * before Julian. If you mean it as a pause, you should use an Ellipse here, not the star. Definition: An ellipsis (three dots: ...) in writing indicates an omission (words removed from a quote), a pause or hesitation in speech, or a trailing off of thought, creating suspense or suggesting more to come. It's used to shorten quotes, show dramatic gaps, or convey unspoken meaning, but overuse can be distracting, so it should be used judiciously.

5. “See she’ll blends, she’s pretty and she took down a tank without messing up her outfit. She’s perfect. Again, you're missing closing quotation marks. Plus, she'll blends should be either She blends in, or she'll blend in.

You have a nice idea for a story here, but it does need a bit of editing TLC. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4846654

Review of My Friend Abby

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Odessa Molinari

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

This is a good, though odd, story you've written. The reason I say odd is that the subject matter seems to be incomplete. What do I mean by that, and how can you edit this, should you choose to?

While this is well written with no language errors I could see, there are a few things this needs to allow it to really shine at readers. That's up to you, and whether you choose to edit this or not. Please allow me to explain what I mean.

1. Please name your main character. That will allow your readers to connect more with the story.

2. The story seems incomplete with an ending that arrives very quickly. I felt you should have built this more. More explanation/interaction between Abby & your main character.

3. Your description of the story says it's a tale of an alter ego. I thought Abby seemed possessed, though I don't think you wanted to 'go there'. As such, it's important that you build Abby's character more. Provide more episodes of your main character interacting with Abby. You jump from her and Abby being young children to them suddenly being 14, then 17. What happened in between those years? Write more about this time frame, provide a little background about Abby and her odd ways. This will allow you to show us a little, and I do mean little bit, of her alter ego. Then build from there, each time showing us a little more about the secret Abby, her alter ego. You don't want to reveal everything that first time.

4. I liked the way Abby seemingly spoke to no one as she drank a bit of Vodka. Build this scene a little more. Abby seemed to be talking to an unseen entity (hence me thinking she was possessed), so tell us more about this. Was Abby drunk? That's a possibility after all....

5. It seems your main character died at the end. IS that how you wanted this to end? You could expand on that some, with details about Abby calling out to her parents. A funeral without Abby there, since she would likely be in jail. All this would require the story be changed to a third person POV though.

All of this is contingent on you editing it though, these are just my thoughts. An entertaining story that's a bit mysterious. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4846566

Review of The Tantalus Gene

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hey Words Whirling Round

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop for a spell.

This is a beautiful poem you've written, I love it! The flow, the inner rhymes (Sailing aboard the treasures I hoard,) are what stand out to me. It is very smooth on the tongue, the flow natural as I read it.

As I've already said, a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing this treasure!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

21

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4846360

Review of A Start

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey Jacky

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

You wrote an interesting story, one that had me guessing through it. I wondered why Ted was being questioned by David so much, especially at the end when we learned that David was entering the second grade. For a Second Grader, he talked/asked questions that made him seem older, more like a grownup. Was that intentional?

Your ending was a bit abrupt, almost too abrupt. I know this is Flash Fiction, but it needs to provide more information. Nice story, it just seems to lack in places. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4846247

Review of Summertime

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Brenpoet

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

I loved this short story, I'm listening to Summertime as I write this. Being a French Horn player from long ago, I love hearing the horns, and both Ella & Louie. What a great piece!

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter. While you don't say when, you did say she died at 30 years of age. She was far too young. Heck, I'm 71 now, to me passing before the age of 100 is too young!

I agree, it was Serendipity (If you ask me) that the song came on the radio during the drive. And, it was that line that has a small, insignificant writing error. When we were driving back from her funeral service this song came came on the radio and it seemed appropriate to hear it at such a time.

A beautiful tribute to your daughter. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4846075

Review of Veterans Day

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Soldier_Mike

,

I found this on Read & Review and just HAD to send you a review of this wonderful story.

As I read this, I almost knew that Corporal John Stamp wouldn't be with the group because he had passed away. Very sad, but all too real. WWII was too long ago to have many survivors today.

I love stories about Veterans, you and I both know why. You wrote this well, and try as I might, I could find no obvious errors. But I do have one suggestion for you about. It's a suggestion only, nothing more.

1. If you decide to edit this, you might consider using the line command, maybe something like {line:hotair} to set Pieter's memory of how him and John met and became friends. Myself? I'd use a different line command to return the reader to the present. I'd love to see the his Pieter's memories written to be longer, but that would most likely not fit well with the story.

A wonderful story about two men who met, (one a soldier, one a civilian) during WWII. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4845743

Review of The Shoes

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey Winchester Jones

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

I liked your story, you almost made it so realistic that I felt I was there. Esteban and Fernando were seemed to be young boys I grew up with in Albuquerque. I guess it's those Spanish sounding names.

Your plot here is good, but it seems incomplete. Why do I say that? I say it because your ending was quite abrupt and left me with questions. Here are examples for you:

1. Who killed Fernando, and why?

2. How did Fernando die? Gunshot? That seems to be the likely cause, but you didn't describe it at all.

{indent]I really liked your brief description of the old lady and who Esteban helped her each day.

I think that this needs to be expanded some. A little more background about Fernando and Esteban's relationship. A bit about Fernando taking Esteban's shoes, and why.

Should you decide to edit this, I'd be quite willing to return and and update my review. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4845613

Review of We Are The Dead - Death of A Colonel

Review by Jim

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hey Adherennium

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a spell.

Okay, you have my attention and curiosity raised quite a bit. I'd love to know more about this whole plot. I will have to read "We Are The Dead An Introduction of Sorts"

to learn more I guess.

You've started quite the story here, I plot was pretty dramatic. I loved that you included the man who's almost my hero, Nikola Tesla in it. It seems that Lesley Palmira, Nikola Tesla and Arthur Rimbaud were able to stop time momentarily and rescue Colonel Penkovsky. Since this occurred in 1963, and Arthur Rimbaud passed away in 1891, I assume that before has passed, Tesla had somehow invented the machine that stopped time. It would also seem that like the rescue of Penkovsky, a body was substituted for Rimbaud. But since he died of Cancer, that would be difficult to write about.

It's an intriguing concept you've started here, I'd love to read more about this. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

Image #1945137 over display limit. -?-

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .