After reading your poem, I would say just the opposite. All seems to flow real easily from verse to verse, the rhythm is consistent. A couple of your lines I especially enjoyed, "With gnarly Hobbit feet" and "But iambs keep me humble". Conveyed what you were expressing real well.
There are two words, first " imaginated", not sure if this is a real word. Second "blissed", thinking maybe you meant to say 'blessed', or maybe 'bliss'?
For a person claiming they cannot, cannot, you did a darn fine job! A good sign for you to explore the genre further, I would think. Hope to see more in the future.
Hello there new member, Konata! I am not sure exactly how to explain my initial impression of your work. I am far from an expert, not even an amateaur really. but do appreciate anyone who responds to my work, so here goes. For some reason I am not feeling a rhythm when I read the poem, it doesn't flow. Not to say it needs to necessarily rhyme or follow a strict poetic rule, but needs to have its own voice.
I can tell you are trying to express some deep emotions which lead you to realize how wonderful our life giving Sunshine truly is. You are more brave than I ever was, most of my submissions are simple little things, short, and easier to do than the long verse you have here. I hope my thoughts are helpful, and I cannot wait to see what else you create!
Thank you for putting it out here, and do not stop.... keep on writing.
Real quick, a typo: "sipping" maybe should be "slipping"?
Now to speak to your piece. I am reading it, and enjoying the experience, but it feels difficult in certain spots. Like hitting a pothole in an otherwise smooth road, a small one, but nonetheless. The lines 5 & 6 maybe a bit wordy, just a maybe, then next for me anyway is this line: "maddening inconsistency that one so preoccupied". Not sure what exactly, just find myself returning to this line, to reread and see if it falls into place. I see what you are saying, I think, the person is so obsessed with specifics in so many areas, it drive you crazy to watch them waste time... think that line could use some work.. then it returns to a flow, it is smooth. For me the hook is the last stanza, before the last line, stated simply, but brings the point straight home. I am just so glad we all have a place to share our work and see others creating as well, because I think the exposure can only be positive in the long run. Thanks for the work, and keep it coming. Hope my rambling makes some sense anyhow:) Don't stop creating!
This is certainly an interesting read, sort of brings on DeJaVu of some kind of trip.. or philosophical exploration. Space trekking maybe. Whatever blends you describe are seemingly unknown to me, but I did enjoy the read. Not to sure I actually get it, but I think it is real cool how you mix intense statementes like: " We’re all here for our brethren" & "hungry for knowledge and sense"- with other more silly lines like "spice canaries don’t dabble in the unknown" & "curtain over Meryl Streep’s snatch". Have you ever read the author Tom Robbins? For some reason reading this reminds a little of his style. Check him out if ever you have time, maybe. Anyway, i like it and bet it grows on me too. Keep on...
Nicely stated, sounds like a sports metaphor? It is working for you though. Simple and to the point, it just hops right along. I love it when you can get your point across with as few words as possible, it is a gift. Thanks!
Reading your poem was fun for me, and I can totally relate to what you describe in it! Seems like you meet all the criteria for how the poem flows from beginning to end, nothing seemed to cause a stumble or pause while reading. For anyone who has tried to create a poem of any sort the sentiment holds true, it is not that easy!! Not too many rhyming words but words that are just similar enough so they blend wonderfully. Can't wait to see what else you create:) Thanks for contributing!
Saw you wanted some feedback on your story, and I think it is pretty good. Fits great with inspirational type of literature. The characters seem real and I can almost put myself there. For a minute, I thought you were going to have some crazy twist like that lady she was talking to turns out to be Melissa herself in the future or something, but I was wrong. Anyway, I am not the best reviewer, this is first time I have done it for a story, this may not help you much. It is a good, straightforward tale that many people could relate to. Good luck on future stories, keep writing!
Wow, this is some heavy writing. Really exposes the dark side of things. I do not have a lot of formal poetry experience, but this one is real good. If I were to offer any thoughts, I might think about removing a couple of the times when you used the word 'for' at the beginning of a couple of lines. This is probably just a personal preference, as a reader I find a bit distracting. Not even sure you need to replace it with another word. Thanks for putting this out there, you have guts. Keep writing!
Hi, I just read this nice, inspirational poem. It makes me feel sad and hopeful at the same time. I don't know too much about the form, but seems very balanced and well laid out. It also flows very nicely. Patriotic too! Write often and more.
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