I must say that I am impressed with this poem. I got the meaning of it right away. You chose an angst-y subject, but I didn't see anything cliche about it. Your use of imagery is brilliant. My favorite part would have to be the last two lines from the first and last stanza's. I just like repeating them and how the words sound aloud.
Honestly, if you expanded this out as a prologue and instead of a poem, then I might have actually been interested in reading it. But to me the poem is unoriginal, lacks creativity, and forced rhyme. You have no sense of meter in this piece of writing. Teen angst never makes for a good novel? There is nothing original and interesting about a teen cutting themselves.
If you are going to write about someone making it suicide...please for the love of God, don't make the way they do it with a knife. A more realistic way people commit suicide is either with a firearm or an overdose.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you asked if someone would be interested in reading past this, but not really.
Now, I do have a work in my own that is posted about suicide, but the aim of the story, was that as a teenager I didn't know any better when my classmate committed suicide.
The premise of a person's suicide can actually make for a great story because of the mystery of why they did it, and a story can go so many different ways. The potential for plot twists are endless.
This read like a beautiful love story, and I can tell that is exactly how you intended it to ready. I am a strong believer in fate, and believe that your work captures what I believe in so strongly and accurately. You should definitely keep writing. I will have to read more of your work!
I love the meaning of this, even if I am not so much a fan of the flow. I love your use of metaphor with the sparrow, as it is a bird that is internationally known as a sign of God's benevolence, an omen of death and a catcher of lost souls. I do not know if it was intentional or not, and if it wasn't, then pure dumb luck. But regardless, very good use of metaphor and symbolism without wearing it out.
Because you used Grandmother to introduce I read this in the voice of a wizened old southern woman, and I loved how it flowed all the more. It is a cute poem, and it will leave a reader with a smile on their face. Thanks for sharing, it seems like your grandmother offered you a lot of wisdom.
I think that I would have liked this poem a lot more than I did if you had stuck to one consistent rhyme scheme and meter. You have at least 2 or 3 different patterns going on. I think the reader would benefit as well if you broke it up into stanza's. I appreciate the message that you are trying to give, but the meaning is lost when the reader is lost in the format.
I loved the opening so much! It is one of my guilty pleasures to read about people dying, and it is such a rare find when I find a piece that draws me in. I think your opening has excellent potential for a prologue if you ever feel like expanding this into a novel. Your ability to write in the 1st person is truly stunning! Hardly anyone out there can get it right, but alas, many people continue to try. I support your written word and encourage you to keep on writing!
I am most impressed that you were able to write this with the inspiration of a picture. I am usually not a fan of free verse. I'm a stickler when it comes to the types of poetry I like to read. But this poem is the exception. It is well written. From the read no grammar mistakes jumped out at me, at least none so obvious that I had to stumble over anything. "Below the waning yellow haze", just lovely how you looped that through sixteen lines without it becoming tired.
You have the word "had" "have" "been" or "be" in almost every sentence. You are writing in the passive voice which really takes the edge off of your story. Spelling mistakes are numerous, but this is no big deal since this is your first draft presumably. Taking out as much of the passive voice as you can will help you immensely.
"It was cold today . . . not the kind of cold that would make me shiver or give me goosebumps, it was just . . . different" This is not an appropriate sentence structure to begin a story with. Stick with whole sentences at least at the beginning.
"I looked at the clock, surprised at how late it had gotten" try to avoid writing in a passive voice. I know this is difficult since your writing in third person, but it will make your writing that much better.
Other than those two minor things I really loved this short story. The end was not at all what I thought it would be, which made it all the better.
I feel that you are shoving too much information into too little words and paragraphs. You are trying to introduce the characters too quickly for my tastes so it makes the read almost seem like a blur. This is the type of story where a prologue would be very appropriate. You could start off with an action scene. It would also give you an idea of who you would like your characters to be. It doesn't have to be at the end of the story. Set it wherever you would like it.
A story has to grab be in the first paragraph to make it worth my while to read. The only books that I read through that I don't like were the ones in college where I HAD to read them to get the grade. I made it to about the beginning of the second paragraph before I decided that I just couldn't read anymore. The idea is far from new. You have a good title. That is what brought me here to begin with. You have grammar mistakes within the first paragraph. I am not sure if this is your first draft or not. Grammar mistakes are ok as long as when they are pointed out to you that you correct them. You need to work on your introduction. Pull the reader in.
My style of writing is that you don't need to introduce your reader to the plot right away. Introduce them to your character first. Have your reader introduced to the person that they are reading about. Describe your character in thought or perhaps in a high action scene. That would be my approach, especially since the dysotopia idea is become overused very fast.
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