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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joanm
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77 Public Reviews Given
104 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Robusta  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I found your story as a random read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Member Jessiebelle summed it up perfectly

"I do, however, rely on you to say what you liked about my work, what you disliked, and why. What was your gut, emotional response to my words, if any? What were your favorite lines? Which characters did you feel came alive on the page? Which moved around like puppets on a string? Which descriptive passages helped you to "see" the scene or the action in your mind's eye? Which ones left you flat? If I didn't capture and hold your attention from the start, how might I have done that? If the meaning of my words was unclear to you, I need to know. "

Those are the guidelines I want to use when reviewing your work. I will point out glaring grammar and spelling mistakes, but that will not be my focus.

Overview:
This was a very good story. Your style was excellent and i really heard your voice. The scattered Spanish words along with the terse, dialog showcased your style and allowed me to really hear your voice. This was an excellent story and a wonderful read.

Let's do the minor housekeeping.

Roberto’s truck bounced up the mountain road, empty. His face was wooden, betraying no emotions. In his pocket was the cash from his trip into town, to sell the product of his most recent harvest. It was not enough to last until the next would be ready. He knew what lied ahead. He knew what lie ahead. His family had cultivated the Coffea plants on this lush Colombian mountain since la independencia, and he would now be the last to do so.

Take a look at the tense of the use verb, ‘lay’. Tricky little three letter verb. Since it is an irregular verb (meaning you cannot add an ‘ed’ to it to form the past tense)’ we have a rule to follow. As an aid in choosing the correct verb forms, remember that,
Lie lie means to recline lie (present,) lay (past) and lain (past participle).

Lay, lay means to place something, to put something on something. lay (present), laid (past) and laid (past participle).
Since the verb ‘lie’, in your story, is in the present tense, ‘lie’ is the correct verb to use.

“Nonsense,” Miguel replied forcefully, Miguel spat out, “They are grown the same, you know that.” Roberto nodded in agreement. “We can have the seed here for you in the morning. You can pay us later. You only have to grow it and harvest it, nothing more.”

Using similes or metaphors or onomatopoeia instead of adverbs,'ly' strengthen your writing by showing your reader rather than telling them. 'Spat out' paints a picture that 'forcefully does not.

“What is this? Where is the rest?” He looked her in the eye stoically.

Stoic refers to a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining. But if your reader did not know the definition, they would miss a very important part of your story. This sentence would have much more meaning if you showed me 'stoic' instead of telling me stoic.

My favorite line, “Don’t be afraid, we will be ok.” I felt Miguel's despair and helplessness.



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Review of A Day on the Farm  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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I found your story, On The Farm as a random read. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Member Jessiebelle summed it up perfectly

"I do, however, rely on you to say what you liked about my work, what you disliked, and why. What was your gut, emotional response to my words, if any? What were your favorite lines? Which characters did you feel came alive on the page? Which moved around like puppets on a string? Which descriptive passages helped you to "see" the scene or the action in your mind's eye? Which ones left you flat? If I didn't capture and hold your attention from the start, how might I have done that? If the meaning of my words was unclear to you, I need to know. "

Those are the guidelines I want to use when reviewing your work. I will point out glaring grammar and spelling mistakes, but that will not be my focus.

Overview:
Cute story. I liked the way you told it from the chicken's perspective. Chickens have always been somewhat boring to me and you managed to capture that boredom in your work.

My first thought was there was not enough descriptions, not enough setting. I really did not get a sense of your style. Then I read it a second time it dawned on me that you had actually captured,what I perceived to be, a perfectly boring day in the life of mindless chickens in their 'coop'.

Good Job.

Being the lover of visualization that I am, I do think that more description of Sam and the 'coop' up front will add to the story.

Dialog
The dialog between the birds is bland, which is very good because to me, it re-emphasizes how boring and mindless they are They were so wrapped up in their individual pursuit of corn, none of them realized that they are next.

My Favorite Line
Charley let out a loud baw-uck, “Don’t start with the ladies again. Those hens won’t give any of us a second look since Skippy got here.”

This was my favorite line because of the onomatopoeia, 'baw-uck" (emphasis on the UCK). I really heard ole Charley squawk that one out!


Humorous and entertaining. Keep it up!
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Review of Onward  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I found your poem on the Newest Static Item Page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

Member Jessiebelle summed it up perfectly

"I do, however, rely on you to say what you liked about my work, what you disliked, and why. What was your gut, emotional response to my words, if any? What were your favorite lines? Which characters did you feel came alive on the page? Which moved around like puppets on a string? Which descriptive passages helped you to "see" the scene or the action in your mind's eye? Which ones left you flat? If I didn't capture and hold your attention from the start, how might I have done that? If the meaning of my words was unclear to you, I need to know. "

Those are the guidelines I want to use when reviewing your work. I will point out glaring grammar and spelling mistakes, but that will not be my focus.

Overview:
Wow! What a gripping story. I was drawn right in and you kept my attention to the end. The dialog was terse, sterile and quite appropriate for the setting.

My Favorite Paragraph
The robot's microphone picked up something skittering by and the robot turned sharply to the right, trying to catch it. It failed and its camera saw nothing. Skittering sounds to the left and rear made the joystick operator spin the robot around and, this time, it did catching something -- a piece of paper being pushed along by the blasts of air still emanating from the overhead air vent.

This paragraph stood out to me because it spoke to the desolation of this search. There was nothing to find. You did a good job of describing how barren the environment was. I particular liked your use of the word 'Skittering' The word painted a vivid, I 'heard' the paper move.

As much as I liked this story, I feel it would have more depth if you used Onomatopoeia, similes and metaphors to replace some of the adverbs you used.


The robot's microphone picked up something skittering by and the robot turned sharply to the right, trying to catch it.

The robot's microphone picked up something skittering by and the robot whirled sharply to the right, trying to catch it.

The use of the word 'turned' tells me what the robot did. 'Whirled' made me hear the robot move

Readers like to be feel what they are reading

Again, Great story. My only suggestion would be to look for your adverbs and change those 'LY' words out for more vivid descriptors.
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Review of Her Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Such a Poignant poem. This is so moving. My favorite stanza? Each stands as special on it's own.

If a woman cries alone in the dark but no one sees
If she yells out with pain but no one hears
If no one cares as her tears fall
Is she really there at all?

Invisible

So easy to not see, and too quiet to hear.
Or is it that you're too busy to care?
She gave up, now forever she'll be,
just a haunting memory.

Reaching

Can you picture, in your mind,
how she needed you and cried?
Do you ever try to listen,
to a voice unheard,
until it's missing?

Sad

Would you have been so full of pride,
if you knew before she died,
that all the time you didn't give,
Wasn't spared but only hid,

for the day you'd come to kneel,
beside her grave to bid farewell?

Inconsolable
5
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
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I found your story on Read A Newbie. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression:
You have the basis of a very good story, but I got confused in a few places. I understood the couple in bed and the girls sadness, but why was she sad? Is the relationship abusive? she softly beat her head against the white tile and remember when she once turned it red




*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
I found several run-on sentences

*Check1*His arms were wrapped tightly around her frame, making it harder to breath but she didn't care..wait that wasn't his arms, it was the gulit of adding more stress to him instead of easing it like she wanted to.

*Check1*She slowly sat herself in her bathroom with her eyes closed and hot tears spilling from her now blued-eyes, she softly beat her head against the white tile and remember when she once turned it red, her heart picked up speed and her veins throbbed for a release.

There were several misspelled words.
Guilt
Quickly
Band-Aid This is a brand name and is capitalized
Popped
Straight




*Check2* Suggestions:

*Check1*Put your story into paragraphs and double space between them. his makes it easier to read and review.

*Check1*Check the usage of 'ly' words, , . Look for a simile or metaphor to convey the same feeling as TightLY, quickLY, slowLY, DeadLY

KEEP WRITING!

Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful, tribute to your relationship with your best friend.

Friends by heart, sisters by soul
We'll still be friends as we grow old.
Nobody can change the relationship we share...

Because we know how much the others care.

I liked this best because the words are so simple but the meaning so profound!

I did note the following:

We taks naps more often than we should and shout way too much
take

'Cause the thought of losing them is a little scary.
who/what are you referring to by them?

Because we know how much the others care.
other cares

Thank you for your heartfelt poem. It made me call my best friend just to tell her how much I love her.

You may visit my port anytime

JC English
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rixey,This was wonderful *Smile*

Your characters came to life, why they jumped right into my living room.

I could hear Miss Skinner's voice, why I could almost smell her Lavender Toilet water. You captured Thom's the disjointed recollections of events seen through an alcoholic haze with truth and humor, the fried buterflies were priceless *Bigsmile*, I did not particularly like his aroma *Blush* LOL. I could see Gus, sweaty and grimy from working in the park doing a hop-skip limp, somewhat like grandpappy Amos McCoy, over to help the injured robber.

Rixey, I loved reading this. Your story was entertaining while satisfying the requirements of the lesson.

Good job!
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Review of A Changed World  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is priceless! I love it! What a wonderful flip of the switch. What a cure for all tha ails ya! This was well written and funny. I did not notice an glaring mistakes. I liked the way i really did not know what was going on until the last sentence. Great read!

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Review of The Unknown Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
It is admirable that you have learned to assist your healng through writing. While i was not abused as a child, I do have friend that were. That is why your story rings such a true chord to me.

I admire how you captured the cruelty of children and the prejudice of some adults. There is so much to learn from your experience. Thank you for having the courage to share it.

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Review of November 5, 2008  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a touching account. It is very interesting to me to hear you speak about the prejudices you encountered and how despite your upbringing, color never mattered to you. You seem tohave an ability to look past color and see heart. I am sure this has served you well throughout your life.
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Review of Hats  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an all encompassing definition of what is expected of a woman today. This poem says much. The first two stanzas speak volumns of the differences between our mothers and ourselves. We wear hats that we superimpose, or others impose on us.

I really liked this poem, it rings true for many women
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! Great beginning. I would like to read more.

I like your description of the night. I did not see any glaring punctuation errors, but there is one sentence I found awkward.

There are only three small windows in this room. The room is a wide rectangle, with cold, wooden floors and a high ceiling. The windows are at the top of the wall, touching the ceiling. They are too high to reach and impossible to look through.

The room is a wide rectangle, with cold, wooden floors and a high ceiling. There are three small windows touching the ceiling, at the top of the wall,. They are too high to reach and impossible to look through.

Just a suggestion, there seemed to be too mny references to the room and the windows.

Other that that, Great story. I wll be looking for more.
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The power of the poem in in its simplicity. I like how you described the abuser. He is painted as ordinary man, handsome, successful, admired. Abusers are often just as you described. I also like the way the abused woman's voice is one isolated line, between the multi lined description of the abuser. Abused women are often isolated and lonley.

This is a powerful piece. I liked it very much.
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Glad to meet you! Besides not knowing your favorite color, I can think of nothing else I could want to know. Yours is a comprehensive anthology of your written word life as well as a enough inforaton about your personal life to deduce that you are caring and kindv, well read and well written.

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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, I am hooked. Great beginning. this sounds like somethin i will definitly want to read. From this paragraph, I don't know if the main character is a savior, or a cleanup man.

What is the Science of Necessity? The controlling entity or the tenent by which this word lives?

Keep writing, I am anxios to read more.
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Review of Bounty Hunting  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very, very good story, with an excellent ending that I never saw coming. .

The fact he had just killed a feared monster would have comforted anyone else, but it didn't even register in Errol's mind - he would kill anything for money.

The best line in the story! wondeful ti into the ending.

Good work!
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Review of A Woman Scorned  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I liked the way you used a cat to bring back the soul of his murdered wife.

His name was Jason, and he had been waiting by this window on this night for thirty years. Thirty years of waiting wrought havoc on his nerves; his hands shook slightly as he rested them on his bony knees. The time was coming near, he was sure of it. It might even be tonight. He glanced behind him to make sure that his shotgun was where he'd left it when he entered the room.

Had Jason been waiting by this window on this night for thirty years because this was the anniversairy of his deed? If so, a more direct reference to this would have been good here. Maybe something like

Jason had been waiting by this window on the same evening every year for thirty years. The years had taken their toll,....

How had the years taken their toll? Had Jason suffered losses? His health, His son, His wealth? What caused him to expect her return?

I think this is the beginning of a good story line. Good Work
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow, what a twist. I never expeced the ending. Why did you chose to end your story this way? I liked the way the story flowed. It as an easy read. I could almost hear the characters voices as they spoke with each other.

I really enjoyed this story. I look forward to reading more from you
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Review of Leaving Home  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Good story. I really liked the dialouge. It flowed well and brought the brothers to life.

"When I woke up the next morning I was still laying on my back, the sun streaming through the window. I could still feel the pressure of Brian's leg across my knees, but when I looked to my left nobody was there."

This was my favorite line. He still felt his brother but in typical 12 year old logic, Joey was still unaware of the magnitude of his experience.

I liked this very much.
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Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall Impression:

A short but powerful piece, full of pain.

Improvement Areas:

Ther only place that his does not flow is when you say "He took another drag of the poisonous pastime and inhaled its intoxicating smoke but as he exhaled the cancerous cloud he looked straight into my eyes" Your piece is simple but emotional. This description just does not seem to fit to me.

Grammar/Spelling:

I picked up my bag and with practised bravado -practiced

He obviously wasn’t expecting this reaction either because he had that same look he had on his face when I first discovered and confronted him about his petty little affair.- run on sentence, consider rewriting it


My Favorite Part:

Because I could This line is the heart of the story.

Suggestions:

This is a great story. Is it true? You have me wondering if there was ever any resolution.
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Review of Bumble Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Spectacular! I could not stop reading. Such a fetching story about differences. The title "Bumble Boy" really took meaning for me in the last paragraph.

I liked how you used the chainsaw to wake him from sleep as well as from his daydream.

I also liked how you took Jonny from bumbling footall catches to playing flawlwss piano, from not being able to do anything right to being able to play inspiring music.

It was interesting to me that in the beginning of the story he was referred to as Jonathan, a grown up name. To me this symbolized the end of his childhood and the end of his dream.

Great story, I loved it.
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Review of Was It Wrong?  Open in new Window.
Review by JC English Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow! This really kept my attention! Great plot! Maybe some background on how he just happened to find himself, forced to have sex with the woman he had been fantasizing about, would have made the story even more interesting! Was the abductor an ex lover, her husband, another co-worker? I still I really enjoyed this, great read!
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