I liked this. I like the rhythym of it. But they'll be those who complain it's 'told' rather than 'shown'--but it works with this. I do understand the difference--but sometimes you are going for a certain 'voice', and it means you need to just tell your tale.
I do have a few comments:
Was the picture the prompt? And was there a maximum word count?
'...in the community church...' there's just something 'not right' about this--I'm sure there are many churches in the community.
'...She had just turned seven, a time when moving was exciting. This was her first great adventure; she was going to make the best of it. A new town, a new school, a new house, and best of all, a new start. She was still innocent, a blank slate, as it were, untouched by the trials of life. She just shook her head. She didn't want to think about that...' I totally get the first half of this excerp. But if she was innocent --why does she need a fresh start? if they'd moved AFTER her father began molesting her, she might be looking for a 'clean slate'.
I want to know what's happened in the years since she ran away. If there was a word count restriciton, I can see how this might have had to be left out--but now that the contest is over, add it. She's been living on her own in another part of the country--hasn't she managed to find some peace somehow? Why is she so willing to slip into oblivion? I like that she's 'going to Ricky'...I just want to know why.
'...As the sun rose higher in the sky, the mighty Mississippi turned into a slate gray path...' Surely this is an error? She's gone back to Minnesotta to meet with the lawyers--not in St. Louis. Isn't she?
I was suppose to be reviewing someone else...but nothig in their port 'grabbed' me...so I went through some of their favorites--and found this little gem. Of course it could use a bit of polishing--what can't?--but all in all it was very good. And it's about Edgar Allen Poe AND Sir Paul....the perfect way to start my day! Thank you, JoAnne
'..."At our age, my friend, we can't be too careful," Cassie said as she patted Lillian's arm...' This is the end of the first section. The next needs to be separated by something (*** or ~~~) you get the idea.
'...grafts as beads...' This may be a technical term--but I think you might mean 'grafts of beads'
'...repair the fish parks and work...' Again, technical, perhaps...but confusing. Since this is in dialogue and Antoine is playing tour director, it wouldn't be out line for him to explain this--she could easily give a puzzled look or ask a question.
'... "I'm with the LAPD." Then she offered her ID........................................................ Cassie took her time talking to workers and mingling among them...' This is bit is vague and glossed over pretty quickly. I think that expanding it could only improve the over all story.
'...French Canadian, French was Cassie's first language...' This is too convenient. Why not have her speak French to someone in the village as she's poking around. That way, we know--but Tane doesn't.
'...the testimony of these two men collaborated with one another...' While these men are 'collaborating', I believe what you meant to say here was that they were corroborating each others alibi.
I enjoyed this...and except for my little notations, which are easily fixed, it's a nice little story. In fact, I think it's too good for a such a short story. This could be expanded into a very nice little mystery.
Thanks for the read and please, if you do decide to redo or expand this, let me know when you do. JoAnne
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I don't really know very much about poetry, which is why I usually stay away from it. But, this piece piece was chosen as one of the review options for Round 5 of the Authors' Spotlight, so here goes...I liked this. I lived this! I don't understand the spacing, but I your words really spoke to me. Thank you
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:21pm on Jul 14, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
