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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joeltimc
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21 Public Reviews Given
21 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Writer's Bl... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
WHAT I LIKED BEST: The detailed scenes and vivid characters and creatures. Also, the unexpected turns of the plot.

WHAT I WOULD CHANGE: I think with some editing to remove unnecessary parts, this story would go from excellent to amazing.

OPENING: It opens on Megan trying to light a torch, in what we come to find out is an ordeal to save her daughter. An interesting choice opening “in media res” (in the middle of things), but not one of which I’m overly fond, especially in short stories. You’re trying to grab the reader, so unless the thing you’re in the middle of is something more exciting (see: critical moment, fight, death, etc.), I’d say just start at the beginning. If not, at least make the transitions glaringly obvious. Also, I’d suggest imposing on the reader the gravity of the situation even more. Just my opinion though.

PLOT: Megan goes to a witch to save her daughter, she’s transported into a world called the “Spire” where she must battle to survive.

POINT OF VIEW: 3rd person limited from Megan’s POV

WORD CHOICE: I’d do a bit of editing here.
First, look at your verbs. Everything else depends on them. They are the action of your story, and they need to be exactly what you want. They need to move the story forward, create the desired images and atmosphere of the action, and they need to compel the reader to want to continue. To do this, they need to be strong, direct, and active. For example, “started to grow tired” could be “shook with fatigue”. Show us the action in such a way that you don’t have to tell us how to interpret it. Another example where you may want to reconsider the word choice for a verb is “throat bearing a large gash.” “bearing” is a pretty passive verb. How about something like her “throat yawned bloodless”?
The second thing to look at is adjectives. They paint the picture, but they shouldn’t be overused. Let the actions speak for themselves and let the reader’s imagination fill in the blanks. For example, “emerald green garb, stained by crimson dried blood” paints a perfectly clear picture. Maybe too clear. We know what color blood is and we know that emerald means green. Perhaps a simpler description would actually go farther? Something like “emerald garb now stained with blood”. Also, be careful with using judgmental language in the narration, such as “hideous nose which bore two warts”. Let the description inform us of the extent of its hideousness.
Next, consider your descriptors of your characters/actors. Whenever you call Megan something like “defenseless woman” or “the girl” you are distancing the reader from her, making it difficult to sympathize. It can also be confusing. I’d stick to using her name or just simple pronouns. Also, if you refer to a creature as something new, it can be confusing for the reader. For example, the first time you refer to the lion creature as a manticore, it’s not obvious you’re talking about the lion beast.
Finally, beware the dreaded adverb (but do not shun entirely or fear too much, imo). It is often a signpost of telling not showing.

DIALOG: Seems a bit stilted, but overall it’s good. Keep an eye on needless exposition. Look at everything your characters say, and if what and how they say it doesn’t inform us of their character, say it in narration (just my opinion).

SCENE/SETTING: From woods to witch’s house back to woods. Could use some more description, peppered throughout the action.

GRAMMAR/TYPOS: Not many! A few comma usage errors, but nothing glaring. Good job!

OVERALL: It may seem that I’m being critical, but only because this story can take it. I really liked it, especially the brutality of the character deaths and the ending. An excellent (if somewhat straightforward) plot and a slew of interesting and sympathetic characters fill out an imaginative but unrealistic world. The writing is slightly bogged down by unnecessary verbiage and the word choice could use some work. But in all, a great story!

Disclaimer: If you're not happy with my rating, revise it and I'll be happy to review it again!
Also, no matter what I wrote, I mean no offense. I just suggest and comment, you're the one who wrote it. Ultimately you're the boss, creator, judge, and jury of your story. You know best. And no matter what, keep writing! :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Uh-oh  Open in new Window.
Review by Writer's Bl... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this story! It's tough to accurately portray characters and scenery in few words, but I think you succeeded. I particularly liked the description the "chequered ceiling crashed down all around me, squeezing me into a wrecked car cube."

A few nitpicky things: period on "Mrs. Tolbat" and perhaps italicize the last line "I doubt it".

I enjoy the untrustworthy narrator. It's a fun way to explore a "semi-fantasy" world. I have been given the suggestion before that if you want your reader to not view the whole story as a dream-like sequence, show a trustworthy perspective that is outside the narrator.

Keep writing!
W.B.
3
3
Review by Writer's Bl... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I love flash fiction! You really get to practice paring down your words when you try to tell an entire story in only a few hundred words.

In this story, I liked the characters. They were believable, well-defined, and relatable. All within such a short story!

I would probably try to reduce the dialog a bit and add more description, to better place the reader in the scene.

The only format/typo thing I have is that when Jarad is thinking to himself, it might be good to use italics for his thoughts. Oh, and maybe no question mark after "...knocked him out?"


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review of Blood Weight  Open in new Window.
Review by Writer's Bl... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
What I liked best: The realistic portrayal of the main character, Patricia. I liked the background with her mother a “media darling” and the description of what it was like before her transformation, trying to find the sturdiest chair and salespeople avoiding her, etc.

What I would change:I would try to group the “before therapy” stuff at the beginning of the story, and the “after therapy” stuff near the end of the story. I think it could show Patricia’s sadness and discontent with her situation before and how her outlook changed. Like a “mini character development” element.

Opening: The best chance you have of getting your reader interested in your story. For this reason, it’s usually a good idea to start with something concrete, ideally something that will resonate with or interest the reader. In this case, maybe start with Patricia’s startling weight loss transformation?

Word choice/style: The descriptions are well done, but sometimes I think there are too many (I have this problem too). For instance,

“No more flat, orthopedic slip on ugly shoes.“

I don’t think “ugly” and “slip-on” are necessary adjectives. The reader can tell from the unflattering description that Patricia found them ugly. Also, by condensing the descriptions, I think it flows better.

Scene/Setting: Could use some more description of the kind of place she’s living, and the atmosphere there and in the club.

Grammar/typos: I won’t list any specifics. Just make sure to read it carefully for missing letters at the end of words, commas (commas are friends!), and misspellings (I think you meant “virile” instead of “viral”). It’s tough to proof read your own stuff, though, so having someone else be your editor is a good idea. What I do sometimes is read the story backwards. It helps you see the actual words instead of what you know you meant.

Overall: A well-written little story with a surprising ending (I love surprising endings!).

Disclaimer: No matter what I wrote, I mean no offense. I just suggest and comment, you're the one who wrote it. Ultimately you're the boss, creator, judge, and jury of your story. You know best. And no matter what, keep writing! :)
5
5
Review of Ann Snow  Open in new Window.
Review by Writer's Bl... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
What I liked best: The story doesn’t lag on unnecessary descriptions.

What I would change: Funnily enough, the thing I would change would be to add some description. Not too much, but draw a picture of the girls and a setting to place them in.

Opening: As many people will tell you, the opening needs to pop! Hook the reader. Make us want to keep reading. There are lots of ways to do this. The most obvious is to start the story with action or something dramatic. In this case, perhaps start with something emotional from Ann? Feelings of determination, worry, etc. which the reader can empathize with?

Plot: A simple plot of Ann being asked to find and return a flag, but unbeknownst to the group, she has a secret. I would suggest giving some more background and context. It doesn’t have to be long, just something to help the reader imagine what’s happening. Like “Ann’s first day at a new high school, and this was initiation day into the inner circle of the Sweet Sisters, the coolest group around.” Some reason for what she’s doing.

Word choice/style: The choppy sentences do a good job of showing that Ann is a determined, no-nonsense girl. The biggest issue is the changing point-of-view. The story switches between “Ann did this” and “I did this”. A good rule of thumb is to choose a single point of view per scene, and don’t change between 1st person and 3rd person. Also, in writing short stories, space is at a premium. You have to be ruthless in removing unnecessary words and condensing the story. Contractions are totally fine. Use them to make the writing flow.

Scene/Setting: We need some more description. Where are these girls? How old are they? How are they dressed? What about Ann? I would suggest describing the other girls through Ann’s eyes, like “They clustered together, graceful and poised with perfect teeth and shining hair.” And then describe Ann from outside her own view.

Grammar/typos: I’m not going to point out any specific errors here. I’ll just say that commas are friends! Personally, I’d rather have too many commas than not enough. Read through your stories carefully, and whenever you pause, put a comma. If you want it to be more dramatic, put a period instead. Like “Not now not ever” could be “Not now, not ever.” Or for even more emphasis put “Not now. Not ever.”

Misc: A tip I’ve discovered from the little time I’ve been on here: formatting is really important! I would suggest increasing line spacing, having an extra space between new lines, and using italics/bold/capitals for emphasis. I’m guessing you had some of these formatting things before submitting, but it removes all formatting. You’ll have to add it back in. So try using that “preview” button at the bottom before submitting and read through it. These just make reading it easier; it has nothing to do with your writing.

Overall: A story with elements of adventure, determination, and that all-too-human desire to fit in.

Disclaimer: If you're not happy with my rating, revise it and I'll be happy to review it again!

Also, no matter what I wrote, I mean no offense. I just suggest and comment, you're the one who wrote it. Ultimately you're the boss, creator, judge, and jury of your story. You know best. And no matter what, keep writing! :)
6
6
Review of the wall.  Open in new Window.
Review by Writer's Bl... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think most of us can certainly empathize with this feeling. The poem does a good job of showing the creeping sensation of writer's block. I also liked the portrayal of the helplessness. The search for inspiration can be a long one. But my favorite part of this poem is the last two lines:

"I decide to sleep, I close my eyes.
Still nothing."

When I first read it, I actually thought of a sleepless night (something with which I am intimately familiar). But it can be read a few different ways, I think. Either sleep doesn't come, and neither does inspiration, OR sleep does come, but brings no respite. A dreamless sleep or dreams which are gone as soon as you awake.

Just my thoughts. I liked it! Happy writing.
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