\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/johnnywalker
Review Requests: OFF
28 Public Reviews Given
28 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Glass Jars  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I didn't read it because not everything can be an independent line. I think you overused that privilege drastically. I'm okay with people breaking proper forms, but not when it isn't necessary or helpful, and in this case, to me, it was unreadable.
-CS
2
2
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good, but not great.
The parallel, obviously the focal point of the story, seemed a bit disconnected. I know you introduce everything at the beginning, and I acknowledge that you're trying to tie everything that follows together there, but it just didn't really do it well enough for me to be satisfied.

' I first watched the film Apocalypse Now when I was fifteen. A review I read at the time said the movie “seemed to float even as it cultivated chaos.” I remember relating to the protagonist, Martin Sheen’s Captain Benjamin Willard. But it was the character played by Marlin Brando that defined the movie.

Movies change us because they become part of the glass in the window we filter the world through. A tattoo on our personality. In Apocalypse Now Martin Brando’s character, Colonel Walter Kurtz, is on screen for a short time but his explanation of Machiavellian theory is a branding iron. Brando is Coppola’s mad warrior-poet, stoking the fire. At the end of the movie Kurtz relates an epiphany revealing how he became an evil man. His explanation changed me as I watched and re-watched that movie over the years.'

'I had read an article about Martin Sheen that evening and I was reliving my favorite scenes from Apocalypse Now as I sat ay my desk typing up a Code 44 letter. I finished it and clipped it to my clipboard and grabbed my phone and headed out of my office, warm sheet of Code 44 secured and two working pens in hand. I thought about Martin Sheen’s (Capt. Willard’s) opening monologue.
'
Sorry to do so much copy and pasting but there are so many paragraphs that it would be strange to number them and refer.

I can't say that this is unnecessary, because those are the three paragraphs that basically tie everything together, but when I read them now, they don't feel like somebody had those thoughts and is now retelling those thoughts to me. This is really trying to summarize the impact of that movie on the storyteller.This feels fruitless because if you haven't seen Apocalypse Now the references probably won't translate even after explanation. I've seen it, so I know what you're talking about, but if someone hasn't seen it, there's not too much hope. I'll simplify by saying this: Juxtaposition is a useful device only when the things involved are familiar. You can't know if a line is parallel to another if you never see both lines together on the same page. I know that's a bit of a hazy description of the problem I see, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say. I think you can have a very good story to the group of readers who are familiar with Apoc Now, or a mediocre story to everyone. That's your choice as the author, I believe. This was the only tie in that struck me as really well done, that I had no awkward steps accepting.
'I tried to hold up my side of the conversation. “I suppose that could change a person.” And with that I had fallen into the tiger pit. Pungi stakes smeared with dirt skewered me.'
Everyone has had that moment in a conversation and I think that's why that line held up.

The issue above was my big problem. To everything else,
I really liked the conversation about being a bureaucrat. I think it was insightful in that most people who have had a very diluted job can't explain to anyone what their job exactly is, and I think the story communicates that well. Good job on that. The disconnect between what you get paid for and what you actually do is a very good topic to touch on and I think it makes it an interesting read.
The character is hollow. I understand that because it is relatively short and mostly dialogue, and the character is not the motivation for someone reading this story, but I can't picture anything besides Apoc Now. All that I know is that there is a conversation with an old man and a briefly described younger man. From there, nothing much else happens to get me to imagine this conversation on my own.
This review is getting a bit long now but it's mostly because of the copy and pasting. Sorry for being longwinded if I read to you as such. Overall, a 3.5 of 5. It needs to be rounded out. I don't intend on being malicious, only to help.
-CS
3
3
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A creative, fun piece to read. I don't have much criticism to offer because I didn't notice anything wrong. It was one of the few stories I've read on the site that I didn't want to end. Again, as in your other writing, you have a gift in making the reader visualize a scene, which makes reading the story engaging. There is no greater compliment then to say that as I read, the words on the screen turned into a movie for me. It wasn't a chore to read, and it took me a minute to snap out of it when I was done.
Another 5 for me, looking at it from a different angle. You have wide range as a writer, going from the incredibly abstract to something like this. Personally, I prefer something like this or the other one that I thought was really good too.
Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
-CS
4
4
Review of Jason and the ATM  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good moments, bad moments. There's no doubt that you walked the line between being preachy and sending a message.
I enjoyed reading it and realizing that this was a metaphor instead of a story. You can't really know until you start attaching the absurdity to Jason and that is a very strong twist. The way I've always thought you could figure out what a good twist was compared with a bad twist was if you read everything backwards, by the time you read the twist, you should be able to figure out what everything leading up to it was. This piece accomplished that.
This was an easy thing to visualize due to the descriptions (which, in my opinion, is the point of describing things, but some would disagree, I suppose). For me, it was engaging because of how well it transferred from the screen to my vision.
One of the things I come on here for is to read and figure out what the better writers are good at (and who they are). This is the first thing I've read of yours and it's good enough that I want to read something else. Reading this makes me believe that you know how to structure sentences very well in the context of a story. The short, almost exasperated narration really gives an edge that would have left the entire thing lacking if not present. It's the flavor of the tone of everything, although, I'm fairly sure you know that.
I didn't like this entire paragraph.
"I have a family too, so don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those guys who fear commitment. That’s not what this is about. I’m twenty-six and married with one kid, but I still socialise with my friends on a regular basis. It’s funny how some people do that, just meet a girl and cut everyone else out. It’s happened a few times with a few of my other friends, but nothing quite like this."
I don't understand why this is here. Is it to establish that his wife was important to him, so that you could make the point about him effectively leaving her stand out more distinctly? That's the only justifiable reason I can see this being inserted, and even then, I don't think it's necessary and it makes me wonder if the narrative is about Jason or the storyteller. It's confusing and it takes away from everything else.

I was surprised to see that you took such a blatant stance toward the end on the 'ATM' idea. I saw a very visceral and complete ending in this line,
"And the queue, well, it’s still there. You might have read about it - growing all the time, people only moving up when someone ahead of them drops dead from exhaustion, only to be the subject of a vicious feeding frenzy from the others. Last I heard it had reached London, and it’s not slowing down."
I think not ending it there was a mistake. The paragraph before that that starts off with leaving what was left of his genitals there sets this ending up perfectly, which spikes it home. After that ending, you turn the person telling the story into a whiner, and worse yet, you make him say "consumer instincts". We get it already; you don't like our attachment to money. That's what the whole metaphor was told for. I know you want to make your point clear, but you should refrain from becoming a lecturer, whether you're doing it yourself, or whether you're using a mirror (in this case, the storyteller). Let the metaphor speak for itself. Don't force it down our throats. Let us digest it for ourselves, and we'll enjoy it a lot more.
4 of 5, 4.5 up to where I think you should have ended it.
I don't intend to be insulting or malicious.
-CS
5
5
Review of Kite Tails  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I mean, yeah, I guess. Seems kind of long for a setup of a pun, doesn't it?
I usually try and give long, constructive reviews, but when the story accumulates to a pun, it's kind of difficult to walk away from.
6
6
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This seems more polished than the other one that I read. As I said, these type of stories appeal to exactly my age and gender.
We can't ever copy our fathers, or the people we respect and want to imitate, perfectly. But seeking the things they love, and learning the things they know to be good, and doing it at our own speed, is one of the things I think most men should pursue.
I like the earthiness your description of stalking brings. Specifically, that it's wet, and once everything around you is wet, you're wet, and somehow, everything else that would normally bother you; mud, water hitting you, droplets trickling down your skin, the way plants get stickier, don't really seem to be an issue anymore.
A good lesson on the value of diving in on your own and having your own inspired moments, even if the idea comes from someone who's done it before you.
Well done.
-CS
7
7
Review of Silent Night...  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Off the bat, I would cut the ellipses (...) <--those. They aren't necessary. I would also cut the sentences such as,
"But there was more to come…"
The story would be over if there isn't more to come. I understand that you're trying to be the tow truck driver telling the story, but not many people say that. It's very artificial and it feels tacked on to keep someone reading instead of convincing them to keep reading by quality.
I think this type of story appeals to men, younger men, my age, in the 20-30. The teacher and student mixed with money doesn't buy happiness is a good angle. All I would comment on is that once you introduce that the tow truck driver feels differently about the man after he learns about it, nothing stays dynamic. The relationship goes like this,

1. Trucker doesn't like him.
2. Trucker isn't sure about him.
3. Trucker likes him.

Then there's nothing. I know it's not entirely about the trucker, but as the only dynamic character (specifically, the character that changes) there needs to be some unpredictability to keep it engaging. My instinct would be to make the turning point between the trucker being unsure to liking him blend into the resolutions of Mr. Beans story, because the way it is now, the story is over halfway through, and we're just waiting for the details now. It feels like up until the point where the trucker likes him is a story, and everything else after is a lecture. Not that lectures are always terrible, but not many people willingly attend a lecture.

Some of the things you have the two saying are a bit too cliche. Nobody since 1801 has said, "Good evening fine sir!" By sticking to dialogue like that, you're throwing the character into a mold that is extremely hard to escape. The shadow of the character escapes the actions of the character, and for a story like this, which flaunts one man's experience, you need that man to dictate to the reader how and when the reader can judge him sufficiently.

I hope that made sense. I don't intend to be malicious.
3 of 5. A good idea, but not executed tremendously well.
Keep writing!
-CS
8
8
Review of Green  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Creepy. Not to be simplistic about it, and I suppose it's a unique view of something spoken so many times. Pure and perfect is not how the dead are normally described. Now, that might be because this reads as extremely strange, but I imagine that's the goal.
I'll be honest, though. I find it doubtful a corpse in the forest could ever be described as pure or perfect, but hell, it's your description, right? So I'll stop nitpicking.
It's an intense description of something relatively simple. To extrapolate from something like a motionless corpse in a forest at length is neither a pretty, or menial, task, and although I would emphasize again that this is creepy, it's a perspective aside from the normal perspectives.
You lost me at using the adjective glorious to describe a dead person, though.
-CS
9
9
Review of Letters  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
I'm not going to comment on the plot because I didn't read it. I didn't read it because the punctuation needs work. Whether or not you think it's a big deal to punctuate, if you want people to read your work, you should consider putting the same amount of effort into punctuating as we would reading it. From skimming I see that 80 percent of it is dialogue and that's a difficult thing to pull off. Again, since I didn't read it, I can't knock anything, but that's just general advice.
My encouragement is to spend the time punctuating. Indenting, capitalizing, spacing, using proper " and ' are around to make things easier to read. If you don't know the technical aspects of using punctuation, feel free to message me and I'll help you with a few lines to give you the idea.
My intent isn't to be harsh or malicious, but some things need to be said.
-CS
10
10
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The title is really, really, really good. Anyone who sees that title and doesn't stop to read this can't acknowledge quality.

I was hoping for something I could sink my teeth into, but this is more of a quick pick me up. It's more of a granola bar than eggs and bacon. That's not a bad thing, not at all, because it serves it's purpose in a no-frills type of way.

I don't like to write short reviews but truthfully, there isn't much to say. It's a quick pick me up. 3.5 of 5, but I'd be willing to negotiate if you elected to come up with a list of titles as good as this one. (I'm joking but not by much!)
-CS
11
11
Review of Grandpa's Room  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
""Too much dusting to put the house right from that darn thing," she'd say. And 'darn' was a swear for Mama."
That's a great line. I love sentences like this that allow me to draw my own conclusions about characters rather than shoving it down the throat. Very well written.

There's a lot of subtlety and that's always conducive to an engaging piece, and ultimately, a more entertaining story. We readers don't like to be lectured, we like to use our imaginations.
I imagine you're writing about San Francisco, or maybe I'm ill-informed. I like that inclusion, to give us a city and events which locks the time period in place.
However, I think the ending was sloppy and ill-conceived. If the story would have ended on some note about grandpa's death, I would have felt closure, but I feel like I was sucker-punched by the timewarp into misfortune. I understand it was a 2 hour window, but I know you read over the first part and realized that it was good, and maybe felt rushed to close it but didn't know how, but the ending didn't work (for me, that is).
Giving a 4. Would have received a 5 if the ending wasn't sketchy.
-CS
12
12
Review of Flowers of Autumn  Open in new Window.
Review by JohnnyWalker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I write the review while I'm reading, so excuse any disconnects that come from it.

The opening is done very well. I don't know if it was intentional, but how she explains the teacher, almost as though she were trying to justify the feelings she has for him already, like any woman I have ever met does.


'I don’t have anything against Erik, but I somewhat dislike the guy. He has looks, good grades, average height, fancy things, and rich—the type of guy girls dream of. But, he’s cocky, rude to low self-esteemed girls, playboy, and he gets into fights often with the other male students in the nearby high school—with him at fault.'
If you're trying to make her snoody, judgemental, and unlikeable (at least, to me), then this sentence works. Before I thought she was naive, maybe innocent, but after this I would cringe at the thought of meeting her.

' Is this... for real? “Finsterville—“'
I don't like that. It reads clumsily. I think most people acknowledge that this is strange already, and having that internal dialogue, to some degree, is redundant.

'What am I talking about? And what’s with that ‘one-sided’? I’m not in love with him. I clearly know that... I think. Gah! What’s with the ‘I think’ now!? Of course not.'
This is along the same lines. We all know how she feels already. It's been established. The second guessing is a necessity to establish that she knows this isn't the average relationship, but I would prefer it to be done in a different way. I wouldn't emphasize a conversation she has with herself inside of her head alongside a conversation she has with the teacher, because watching two lines is more difficult than watching one. Specifically, how can she be so sure in her responses, but so confused in her mind? Wouldn't the inner confusion seep out into the vocalized conversation?

'But really, it’s the opposite. I’m mature, despite my still-child-like looks.'
Now I'm concerned and I have come to the realization that the teacher is creepy.

' Are you hungry Mr. Rawson?' needs a comma. Not to grammar Nazi it up, but I didn't like reading it without one and details matter.

I enjoyed the appearance of the mother, and how she is very forward, even from a hospital bed. The brother was cliche and I think should be reconsidered. After all, brothers are more clever than that, I would say, especially given that the mother seems to be a wit herself.

I'm finished now. I'm weirded out, but I read it, and I didn't hate it. I would also say that my sex and age is not the target age group for this story, but it was readable, and amusing at times. The major critique I'll offer for acceptance is that this idea, student-teacher, is a tried-and-true formula for a short story. Inherent to that is the difficulty in making it stand out, and I feel that this piece doesn't have enough spice, flavor, moxy, etc.

But I'll probably still read the continuation.
-CS
12 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/johnnywalker