I like this poem I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
I like this story I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
I like this poem I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
I like this essay I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
I like this poem I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
I like this story I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
I like this story I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
I like this consent form I read it and the words were nice and appealing in points but mostly good and above average over all. I like how there words and then it ended but not too quick or taking to long. It could use more description in parts. GJ A+
Hello! This is a Member to Member review from a fellow Rising Star!
All suggestions are just that, suggestions! Feel free to take what you find useful, and discard the rest!
[First Impressions]:
An interesting ghost story. Well developed characters, and good descriptions. A very vivid story. Haunted by baby ghosts! I've never heard that one :)
[Suggestions/Grammar/Spelling]:
Drawing near the glass doors that innocently announced this as Greenville General. An incomplete sentence. Perhaps it could be combined with the previous or next sentence?
He hated hospitals,It was Missing space before 'it', which should not be capitalized.
even the smooth marble of the floors serving to remind him trigger a deep seated sense of dread
this sentence is confusing.
belief in the existenceof a soul long ago.
In a desperate efoort to distract himself ,he allowed his mind to wander
Bob Evans was one of those rare preachers who practiced what he preached and the tight rules of a fundamentalist Baptist galled against a teen looking for fun and adventure.
this sentence, and many like it, are missing commas before the word 'and'. with out the commas, the sentences seem very long winded.
“Helene, I . . . It’s Gramma. She . . . ” And he could get no further. Helene moved to his side and took the little girl from his arms and stood her on the floor.
“Run, play” She told the two children as she helped Jonathon into the kitchen. He was sobbing uncontrollably and Helene knew that Gramma had passed away. She held him tight as he cried, letting him release his grief.
“Shhh . . . Shhh . . . it’s ok. She’s not hurting anymore. Gramma’s at rest. She had no fear of dying Jonathon. She looked forward to it.”
“But she, she spoke to me after she died.” Jonathon managed to blurt out at last.
“Now honey, it’s the stress that’s all. You know she just made that up. Nobody can really see the dead.” Helene just held him as the tears continued to fall and Jonathon Evans began to wonder if he was losing his mind.
several paragraph breaks are missing here, to keep with the pattern of having a space between each paragraph as with the rest of the story.
And so Dr. Jonathon Evans learned that there is more to life than money and more to heaven and hell than can be seen by the mortal eye. This sentence seems unnecessary, as your story told that well enough :) I would suggest removing it, i feel it takes away from the power of the ending.
also, throughout the story, you switch the spelling of his name back and forth between 'Jonathon' and 'Jonathan'
[Structure]:
I thought this story was paced very well, with a good build up to his final melt down. A strong beginning, middle, and end!
[Final Thoughts]:
I liked the idea of the protagonist working in an abortion clinic, a clever way for someone to have lots of ghosts after them without having them be some kind of crazy murderer. Hearing the sound of crying babies all the time would certainly be a terrible haunting!
Hi there! :) This is a member to member review for the "Rising Stars of WdC" All suggestions are just that, suggestions! Feel free to take what you find useful, and discard the rest!
[First Impressions]:
A very vivid story! Your descriptions of the food and people and shops were enough to make me feel as if I were in a crowded market myself :)
[Suggestions/Grammar/Spelling]:
nothing peaks my interest.
I think this should be ‘piques’
I am filled with glee and wonder happening upon such a delightful scene.
I had to read this sentence a couple times to understand it. perhaps it could be “I am filled with glee and wonder at happening upon such a delightful scene.” or something similar
[Structure]:
The story flows nicely from the character being trapped and uncomfortable, to being free and away from the crowd, then finally enjoying himself greatly. You show the change in his perceptions and attitude clearly without having to do any ‘telling’
[Final Thoughts]:
You’ve made me want to visit Germany! Or at least that little German tourist town in the mountains near where I live. Very lovely images and and descriptions. Well done!
I really liked this! You paint a very vivid picture of the storm and it's destruction. and i loved the ending!
some suggestions:
"Then he moved his vision to the left, " is 'then' needed here?
"He looked away from the swallows, still battling the elements, to the west. " this sentence could be clearer. The swallows are battling the elements, or he is? they are to the west, or he is turning to look to the west?
"The little bodies, disappearing under a fleecy blanket of tiny ice pops, till there was not one swallow left in the sky." i feel like this would read better as 'the little bodies disappeared under...."
"Quite a show!
The complete show must have lasted half an hour, from the west to the east." I feel like these lines kind of pulled me out of the story, reminding me that i am being told something, instead of experiencing it clearly as i was previously. i would consider removing them
"Amazingly, there was only one swallow that showed any life." perhaps 'amazingly' could be replaced with 'to his surprise' or ' he was shocked to see' or some other phrase tie this feeling to the character.
the last two paragraphs use the word 'swallow' very often, perhaps some of them could be changed to some other words.
i really liked this story, i saw the storm clearly in my head, and the ending was very dramatic, and a good example of how life is not fair, and how nature is cruel and uncaring... but that's life!
Wow, this is really pretty! I don't know much anything about poetry so I can't really critique it, but I liked the images you put in my head, and there was some creative metaphors.
Wow, this is very sad. Honestly I don't like stories like this because I don't like feeling how you just made me feel >_<
But it is obviously very well written to make me feel like that. Good stuff :)
This was really good :) I love apocalyptic stories. You got me curious about the characters though, and now I want to know about how they got in that situation, hehe. I guess that's how you know a good story, it leaves you wanting more.
I liked it a lot :) Very short stories are hard to make interesting, this one contained a lot of ideas and action while still being short and to the point. I was instantly curious, and the end was satisfying. Made me think of fallout 3 for some reason :)
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Feel free to take what you find useful, and discard the rest!