• I stand in a field
covered with drops of morning dew
where I wonder why there is so few
happiness inside of you
I try to reach beyond your shield
• dew, few and you – I do not think that this works; you are sacrificing the meaning of what you want to express so that you have a rhyme
Maybe you could re-write the whole verse using the same or similar lines, but in a different order to read better. For example:
Standing in a morning field
Trying to reach beyond your shield,
I notice drops of shining dew,
Beaming happiness to you, but -
It seems to me you see them not?
And just stand; silent on the spot.
I am not re-writing your poem!!!! --------- Please do not get me wrong.
I am a fellow writer, playing round with your words to try to try to express the sense of wistful sadness and frustration that you try to express in your first lines,
My idea is to indicate to you, that you too can do that!
Re-write, re-write, re-write ---- keeping the feelings you want to communicate alive and waiting for words to wrap themselves round new lines to better express the deep meaning.
Version 1 is not lost or abandoned! Version 2 may or may not read better, but Versions 1 and 2 are both ‘poems in embryo’ – not perfect maybe, but poems in their own right nonetheless.
If a Version 3 gets written, it is a new poem – on the same theme. Nothing is wasted or lost in the creative art. Nothing should be ‘judged’ ‘good’ ‘bad’ ‘could be better’ etc.
These creations are infant works of art growing up. They are what they are!!!!
_____________________________________________________________________________
I sit in a room,
A room filled with endless space,
And nowhere I can find a trace,
To lead you to a safer base
Far away from all the doom.
~ By tradition, not necessity, start the first word in each new line with a Capital letter – but it is no big deal ( I am ‘old school’)
~ This verse continues and sustains the confused, rather lost person; feeling oppressed, but seeing no light or trace to escape from the surrounding doom. As this person is yourself, or part of yourself that you are trying to discover, consider changing the “you” in line 4 to “us”.
In fact, there are not two separate people; there is one person trying to help the other to birth – growing up, choosing a direction. If you say “us” instead of you, it is a cheering note. “You” and “I” are not separated and alone, and not understanding each other. There is a potential “we” here – on the road to a better place together. Look how it reads with “us” instead of “you.” :
I sit in a room,
A room filled with endless space,
And nowhere can I find a trace,
To lead us to a safer base
Far away from all the doom.
Note: I also think it reads better to switch “I can” to “can I” as above.
I stare at my reflection
with emptiness inside my mind
I am looking but I can not find
it feels as if I am going blind
I am waiting for reaction
Good. That is nicely put. No wasted words. Clear. Reads well. Only one thing I think you should drop because it is just not necessary. Those words are “my mind.” – Because you have said ‘..emptiness inside..’ I think, and so will the reader, that it is obvious that it is “your mind.” By leaving it out you make the verse read better and nothing is lost.
I stare at my reflection
With emptiness inside.
I am looking but I can not find!
It feels as if I am going blind,
I am waiting for reaction.
_________________________________________________________________-
As my tears slowly wash away
the dew that rests upon a leaf
the image of that endless grief
the lack of certainty and belief
I want to live another day
Ther last line of verse three says you are waiting for ‘reaction.’ Now in verse 4 the reaction comes:
To mark the beginning of the reaction, I think you should say “Then” not “As”
Then my tears, wash away,
My images of endless grief.
My uncertainty and unbelief.
I see the dew and hear it say,
I want to live another day!
Again, I insist, I am not re-writing the poem for you. I am taking the words you have used and trying to play around with them to express the same note of hope that you end with. As before, the value of ‘Version 1’ of verse 4 stands. My version of verse 4 tries to use the luxury of the time I have on my hands now that I am retired, to re-arrange the words to make it sound how I think (that doesn’t have to be how you think) better!
So the bottom line is, to find your style and voice as you said, I advise hkeeping the eotion in your heart, write it straight out from the heart (without analyzing) then go over it again and again, polishing it up to become a diamond!
Keep writing!
Jonathan
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am pasting one of my silly children’s poems for you to read here. It is called “Cat and Toad.”
Beneath the bridie
On the road
Under the moon
Sat the toad
Ribbit! Ribbit! he announced
Just before Kitty pounced
Then from her throat
Came a note
Which sounded too familiar
If I had known
About this moan
I would have
Comearlier.
I stamped on cat
Out she spat
The toad all blue
And tired too
Ribbit! he said
Ribbit! he pled
Then he went to bed.
Kitty's sick now
Damaged head
She too took to bed
But she must know
When she can show
Her claws and teeth
And when she must
Like Cheshire cat
Just grin or bust...
And leave the toads
On the roads
Where by nature
They must say
Ribbit! Ribbit!
All the day.
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