What I liked
I really liked your characterization of Mabel. I felt that she was a real person, and you definitely did well tapping into someone of that age. I felt for her, and I was really interested in her story. Nice job!!
Suggestions
She sipped the tea and looked at to her garden.
I think you might have a type here. Perhaps "at" should be "out"?
She remembered older teenage boys teasing her daughter in high school and all of a sudden there had golf balls in their mouths.
Another type here. I think that you meant for "there" to be "they".
As it was, she acquiesced with a nod and watched the woman pile her stuff ahead of Mabel’s and bump into her in passing to pay.
While it isn't wrong, I think that "into her in passing" sounds a bit muddled. Perhaps, changing "in" to "while" might make it sound more clean.
Some kind of music that included yelling to a beat made its way through her hearing aid and she reached up to her ear to it down.
There's a small typo here. I think you meant to add "turn" between "to" and "it".  .
Could you have them wrapped and a birthday card for Deborah?”
You forgot the opening quotes here.
There's no department, no number for a sales clerk."
Opening quotes here as well.
Full Review
Hi SueVN  . I found your story under the fantasy genre, and thought that I'd give it a read!
Let me begin with your characterization, which I touched on earlier. I really liked your character of Mabel, and I think that that is what drove your story. If it wasn't for your great writing of Mabel, this story would be something totally different. I also enjoyed the jewelery salesperson character. She was of a kind heart, and you really showed this throughout the story. Nice job!
The plot of this story was pretty original, and I think that it was well thought out. The story wasn't so much about Mabel's "gift", as it was about Mabel and one occurrence in her life, where the "gift" did something nice. I like that you took this story in that direction, and I really thought that you hashed it out well. I didn't feel like I was reading a story that I've read 100 times before, and I think you did a great job showing originality.
The events in this story were pretty good. My only critique here is in the part where the teens are suddenly naked. This is just a small nitpick, so take it with a grain of salt, but I felt that them running and cowering behind the corner wasn't realistic. It just doesn't seem like something that they would do, especially with the attitude they had shown. Perhaps if you added a little bit more about their reactions, and kept that element, it would seem more real. One event that I really liked in this story, was when Mabel was leaving her house. I thought there was real attention to detail here, especially when she was closing the door. I really liked this part!!
The beginning of this story was really well written. I think that you did a good job grabbing me, and you really entered into this story nicely, providing enough back story for the story to make sense, but not bombarding us with useless information!
I absolutely loved the ending of this story. I think that you connected it all together, and I thought it was interesting that Mabel's gift finally did something positive. It was like her dream came true in her final hours, and I really thought that that was a nice ending.
Aside from a few typos, the mechanics of this story are very sound. I've highlighted the typos above, but other than that, this is a very well written story, and I think that you have a real talent for writing.
I'm really glad I got to read this. Good job and keep writing!!! |
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