Thanks for sharing a bit of your life in writing! Even with sprinklings of sorrow, sounds like you have made a nice life.
Your grammar and punctuation are all nice and clean, as well as sentence structure. Neat and tidy writing such as this makes the reading all the more enjoyable. :)
My one point of constructive criticism would be lack of details. Details create images in the readers mind and make the writing more interesting. For instance you could give the color or give other details about your animals or describe the "perfect" Christmas tree you found.
Your account of the stages we go through to finally "get moving" is very relatable. It's a chore that takes you through emotions somewhat like the stages of grief. I never thought of it that way but your interesting, even comical take on it is well presented here. I actually chuckled out loud a couple of times. Very imaginative and creative.
You gave your characters interesting names, I especially like Mari
The dialogue flows easy and helps the story along by giving insight into the characters.
Your writing is nice and clean.
There are things that can be improved upon like being consistent with your tenses (..."he wonders, perhaps even hoped" should be "wondered") and other little things but overall, a fun read.
What I Liked:
This is an awesome story with a gruesome yet tantalizing twist ! This would be an excellent plot for a book...a person imitating a real estate agent to lure people into vacant houses to kill them. Also your writing is clean and tidy without grammatical errors, typos or clumsy phrasing interrupting the flow of the read.
Suggestions for Improvement:
The story takes a turn rather quickly going from being about a realtor selling a house to a murderer yielding an axe. I think subtle hints dropped along the way, that the reader doesn't recognize as hints until the end, would make this even better. Like secret jokes with yourself as the writer that don't become apparent until the end for the reader.
Overall:
An imaginative short story with a great "Aha!" moment.
This piece made me giggle - a childish giggle that burbled up from the deep recesses of my nostalgia of my own youthful time of innocence and barefeet. You packed a lot into a small space with this and went straight to the soul of anyone who cherishes freedom. The last line is superb. The only thing that got in my way your use of "lip" twice. What would you think of "jut of rock not yet smoothed"? or something along those lines that still relays your meaning?
Your writing kept me enthralled until the end. The plot was very well executed and the ending was an original and tantalizing surprise. I also liked the bit about Dewey Readmore Books, having read the story myself.
Suggested Modifications:
I would consider a different opening line than He'd had the evening planned differently, but he owed the "King of Rock and Roll", Paul decided.
It's too far away from the part about Elvis for the reader to go back in their mind and make the connection. Therefore, it adds little to the story and is a waste of an opening line, which should grab the reader and lead them into the story -- not have them stumbling in wondering what you meant by it.
Congratulations on your win! This was very cleverly written. I thoroughly enjoyed the ingenious ways you incorporated "hand" into your contest entry. No "hand-kering" about it, you've earned a well-deserved hand!
Hi Paul!
I enjoyed checking out this short piece. Your comical style is refreshing here and in another of your items I read about the woman with the mail bag and the bouncy bum that starts fires, lol.
If you were writing for fun this is great fun. If you are writing for publication I'd make at least this suggestion:
-Rather than starting with dialogue, I would suggest starting with more description of the setting to help the reader settle into the story before heading up those stairs. That's the main thing that sticks out at me
My favorite line here is the last one about God, the "benign old dude". I also enjoyed the ghost's character which seemed more "fleshed out" (pun intended) than the real people!
Hi Gigi:
Thanks for sharing your story and your writing! Sorry you had such an awful experience. Here are a few pointers that may help.
You do a good job of telling the story; giving the outline or skeleton of the relationship you're describing. If you just want to tell your story that's fine. However, if you want to make it interesting reading then I would suggest you add highlights now or accents that spice it up. This means:
1-instead of telling about how awful he was to you give examples. For instance you wrote: I needed for him to compromise with me. To give more and not just take from me constantly.It makes it more storylike and interesting if you just write about what happened specifically. How did you want hi to compromise, to give more and how did he take constantly.
In another place you wrote: Looking back on the relationship there were a ton of red flags . This is a great place to transition into showing what you mean by adding, "like the time when he..." Good writing will paint pictures and scenes in the mind of the reader. I assume you're a new writer and thinking of your "pen" more like a paintbrush will help with that concept.
2-Flesh out the characters a bit (you and he) by sprinkling in some descriptors woven between your writing so as not to look too obvious that that's what you're doing. A good place to do that would be where you wrote: ...no one was ballsy enough to ask me out. This opens a space to tell the reader something about yourself using this as a transition for example: Most of the guys at school found me attractive and ironically, because they did, no one was ballsy enough to ask me out. So, I suggest you find places like that which are openings to add interesting tidbits and details.
My favorite line: "Doesn't he see me drowning." That's a feeling that anyone who's ever been involved with a narcissist or psychopath can relate to. That line encapsulates just how insensitive and void of normal compassion a narcissist can be.
Thanks again, Gigi. Take what you can use and blow the rest away and Keep On Writing!
Thank you for the candid sharing of a day in your life in prison. The irony of this is brilliant and makes a very strong point. You made this reader see as you saw that day, through the dogs' eyes. And from that POV you relayed how EVERYTHING desires freedom, and how dehumanizing it is to be put in a cage. The title is very effective also. This is powerful writing.
Thanks for sharing this. This resonated with me. As someone who deals with depression from time to time, I am keenly aware of that moment you describe when upon awakening, a choice has to be made to either give in to the heaviness or get out of bed and face the day. I like your gentle though effective treatment of this subject - and while in some cases depression is due to a chemical imbalance, for some there is still some degree of choice about how much or how little to be effected by it. This piece for me is a welcomed reminder of that.
Thanks for your review of my short piece "CALL ME MAGGIE" now here's one for you!
Using great imagery, you have given life to an inanimate, uninteresting object and made it seem significant. Often forsaken as less important, than say a dollar, you have placed it for the moment above the dollar saying:
I don’t care to dream of dollars...The Penny is now warm against my hand.
It is precious to you in this moment as the phrase "Kissed by my thumb..." suggests.
Your contemplation of the penny has overtones of a spiritual nature in that it brings the reader to the "now" (the penny) and the appreciation of what is rather than what could be (dollars). The penny itself becomes representative of not just one cent but one moment precious moment in time. It is this contemplative, thought provoking nature of the poem that most appeals to me.
* Opening with Lola on the run works to pull the reader immediately into the story with action. (Only problem here is that I later find out she hasn't actually "been running for miles" and would therefore not be in need of stopping for water - so here content is not consistent)
* The setting, action, characters, and language mostly accurately depicted a scene you might find happening in the inner-city.
*lightbulb* What might be improved:
* The thing that stands out the most here is that your language vascillated between your voice and the hood voice you were going for. So that took me out of the story at times.
* Things wrapped up too nicely in a couple of places. When Lo recognizes one of the girls as the sales girl that sold her the purse, that was unbelievable. Not only was this too nice a wrap, but the girl didn't come across as someone who would have worked in a fine retail establishment Had you described the girl as someone who might have worked in the place that sold high end merchandise it might have gone over better. But you described her as "manly" and I wouldn't picture her behind a counter selling women's purses. So you want to keep your characters consistent to who they are by what they say, what they do and how you describe them to your audience.
The other place where things wrap up too easily is in the end. I think Tree would have had a stronger reaction to finding out Lo's race than "who did your weave." She might have said that to break the tension after she said, "Oh sit! You're white??" And then, "Damn girl, who did your weave."
I'll say again though on the main point: consistency, consistency, consistency.
I enjoyed again reading one of your stories. Hope this helps!
Peace
jooker
Overall: Your writing style here is clean, uncluttered and refreshing.
What I Liked:
The dialogue between these two characters is pleasurably realistic and moves the story along well.
You capture very well the nuances of a young man trying to woo a reluctant prospect. Coupled with the dialogue, the actions portrayed by each character make the scenes believable and interesting to read.
You left me wanting to know more about Averlyn and why she's so withdrawn and reserved, and how this relationship will develop.
This is a great story beginning. I'm in that drafty house and I want to know more about it, more about the dream. I am interested from a psychological perspective in the meaning of the dream. I wonder if as more of the story is told the meaning will seep through to the reader.
Suggestions/Observations
...and holding on to them and keeping them close was impossible.
This line gave me some trouble because even if the children are big, it wouldn't be impossible to hold on to them. You can hug a big person too!
The fact that she (or you) felt she couldn't, because it's a dream, suggested an undertone of tension or distance between the woman and the children being subconsciously revealed.
Beautiful story...brought back the same sweet sentiment as when I watched the movie The Notebook
Most appealing aspect: You do a great job of portraying the love and affection between this couple without ever saying something as trite as "They loved each other very much." The little nuances you throw in such as her reply when he gives her tea (Thank you, Daddy) and "He enjoyed watching her eat what he had prepared," tug at the emotional strings of the reader so they feel this love instead of understand it cerebrally. Well done! In fact it is so realistically done that I suspect this may be creative fiction based on a love you actually witnessed.
My favorite line:
"...today his weeping was making an 'old man' out of him fast."
Suggestions:
Even though you say he was aging well I still found 91 to be an unbelievable age for such virility. I don't imagine the average 91 year old man cooking, caring for a sick wife, making apple pies, visiting the nursing home everyday and the such. I would consider knocking ten years off and make him 81.
Also along the same lines, a man 91, or even 81, would not generally have footsteps that can be heard coming down the hall. For one thing he probably wears soft-healed shoes and for another thing he wouldn't step quite as hard or heavily as a younger man. One might hear a man that age "shuffling" down the hall, perhaps. Just my thoughts on this.
This personal essay inspired and made me feel good as I laughed vicariously with your mom while reading and remembering parts of "Bernie" myself. Thanks for the reminder to laugh. Made me think of a great quote by a wonderful author:
"I love myself when I'm laughing," Zora Neale Hurston
Bravo! This did my heaart good. I almost cheered at the end. Had personal meaning because I have been there. Not with a sociopath but a narcisiss(sp?). Though there's not much difference.
favorite part:
My writing stopped.
My pen I dropped.
These short brisk sentences both coming to a hard stop portray well the halt of writing. The pen dropping is a great visual and also audio (I heard it hit the floor).
I'm glad you came out of the abyss and got your muse back.
I very unique a and powerful way to say...there's more than one way. I loved your presentation of this message. The opening verse is startlingly marvelous. The old english style with perfect wording and meter.
The first verse is a poem within itself. It has the ring of something that catches and is quoted for years, decades or centuries to come. I loved it!
After the first verse you don't stay consistent with the old english style...you go in and out of it like going in and out of character. Also, the meter did not stay tight all the way through.
such a beautiful expression of a lovely, and contempory idea in spiritual thought. This one deserves the work that would make it sparkle. It already shines.
This sounded like a very creative, imaginative chlildrens' story...until the end. It seems too sad for young children. Perhaps the boy could be saved by something the little girl does, before the life dains out of him. With that change I think this would be a great children's story. Even a book perhaps .
Do you write movie reviews for a living? If not, maybe you should. You did an excellent job of describing this movie and, having seen it, I can attest this is no small feat. Your use of humor makes the movie seem less grotesque and strange, whereas just telling someone straight out about it would probably make them run the other way. Your writing might actually entice someone to take a peek at the most bizarre movie I have ever seen. --and still liked.
Your message is very poignant and the last line wraps it up beautifully:
How can they look upon this world and think what we have is beautiful if they cannot see past their front door?
The imagery of a child trapped inside their home, behind their front door, hits the mark here and helps make the point of the essay.
You wrote about something here that is very appropriate for the times we live in. I, for one, am very passionate and concerned about the loss of innocence in our society as demonstrated in how different children of today experience life. Thanks for writing this.
Note: I rated this as I did because grammar and sentence structure could use some polishing.
Keep Writing!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jooker
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 12:11pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Here's what I Liked:
Overall: Your writing style here is clean, uncluttered and refreshing. 
Corrections/Ideas:
Good job...when's the rest coming!
After the first verse you don't stay consistent with the old english style...you go in and out of it like going in and out of character. Also, the meter did not stay tight all the way through.
.
Note: I rated this as I did because grammar and sentence structure could use some polishing.