I will give you some of my ideas for possible editing of this piece so it may be a better read.
Sipping on dark ale, (sipping dark ale)
But the deep, empty hole of his soul that longed to be filled stayed deep and empty.
(But the deep cavern of his soul that longed to be filled remained empty)
The tavern was all heavy wood and darkness.
(The tavern was full of heavy beams and darkness)
Lanterns were scattered on various tables giving off small pools of light. (Lanterns scattered on tables, gave off small pools of light)
along the ceiling (beneath the ceiling)
"The dark" (I wonder if this may be described differently, to make it more precise)
Sighing to himself the man moved from his corner, (add a comma after himself)
lanters (lanterns)
furnitiure (furniture)
Fires (Fire)
Flames had began to wave out of the windows, a few men staggered out the door. (Flames began to shoot out of the windows, while men staggered out the door)
I suggest: Tail tucked and whining, it stayed where it was until the man had passed.
suggestion: was barely a shadow.
suggestion: dog and bone disappeared into the night.
suggestion : He wore a long black coat which hid his ponytailed hair as he slowly walked away from the carnage, to become one with the night.
An unpreposing figure, (I'm not sure I would use this, it is more direct without it)
Alone since creation, he walked on. (add a comma)
He was pestilence, he was the destroyer, he was destruction, he was death.
suggestion : He was pestilence, a destroyer, destruction, death.
Hello,
I would like to give you constructive, positive criticism of this piece. I believe it may help you to write better poetry.
One main concept is to use a few words as possible to say as much as possible. This is not easy. Good poetry usually sounds "clipped" when you read it, because the poet has scrutinized over time every word and letter used, eliminating as many as possible without muddying the clarity of what he/she is trying to convey.
For example, the first stanza:
The final period of light,
before night takes over.
A time that doesn't last long,
But is tresured through the night.
Here, you are talking about twilight or dusk, but using many words to convey what can be said in a much briefer way.
You need to check spelling on each word.
If you are referring to "two", spell it out, do not use "2". No writer, or reader will take you seriously if you do.
If you want to write good poetry, it will require a study of the general guidelines and concepts to write it. One good place to start is by reading the Purdue Owl site on the internet. That is a good place to start, but there are many other equally good sites for information.
Writing song lyrics would be fun. Rhyming comes into play with it. I know a man who does it and makes a living at it, as well as with his band. One of his lyrics was recently recorded by Bonny Raitt.
In modern poetry, conciseness is important.
I write some poetry, feel free to look at it if you wish.
I like this because it is different than many of the "antiseptic" poems that are out there, those that all seem to fit into a popular "scheme" that is sweet and non-offensive.
That his does not necessarily follow the traditional requirements of traditional poetry is a breath of fresh air. I like the insertion of dialogue, something rarely seen.
Marvelously written, marvelously stated.
While I have always liked the story of creation, as well as some other stories in the New Testament, one has to keep in mind that they are just that, stories, like millions of others that have been told by men and women wandering from village to village.
I will try and read some of your other writings soon.
The message is dark. I like the form of your poem, but the writing may be improved upon, because so much of it is on the surface and includes many cliches.
Since I see you are interested in writing poetry and improving your skills, here is a link that would be of help to you:
I usually shy away from longer pieces, but this appeared to be of interest. It is.
You did a great job writing this, it is well-written and creatively constructed.
My only suggestion would be to try to tighten it up here and there, and check spelling.
On occasion, I had to reread one or two paragraphs to get at your meaning, so you may want to be sure you are expressing what you mean to say as clearly as possible for readers.
The ending is good, but of course I certainly hope that it is purely fictional.
If you have any questions about what I have said, just let me know. Good luck.
I like your writing here. It exhibits talent.
I have not had a chance to fully review it in detail, but I will since it is well-written, but could use a few minor revisions here and there.
There are some words that may be eliminated, discreetly, to create greater impact and conciseness.
I will do a little punctuation work also.
This is very interesting. I have been aware that there have been many notable people with bi-polar disorder.
One person not shown here is Jaco Pastorius, a famous acid-jazz bass guitarist. It is my understanding that he was bi-polar.
My nephew, also bi-polar who died recently at age 26, was an independent music producer.
I had a nephew who lived with this, and it made his life difficult, but he was doing better. Unfortunately, he recently died in a car crash while he was driving by himself. I am not sure about the reason for the crash. He was 26 years old.
Very enjoyable!
I love this attitude on life and how we relate to life.
It is so true that "mankind" is so divorced from the true nature of things, to our own detriment. Just look at the world around us.
The detriment of humanity is the detriment of being self-absorbed.
Thank you for writing this.
Since I live in the South, and have pine trees, I couldn't resist reading your work.
Also, I believe I've read some other pieces of yours which I found to be well written.
This is very well written, I love the conciseness, I love the entire message; the way you developed it stanza to stanza.
You have left me no choice but to give this a high rating, which is certainly deserved.
This is good and interesting. Just a few suggestions:
It's essence calls out to me (eliminate "out")
A storm approaches over the day (replace "over" with "during")
I take a deep breath of air (eliminate "of air")
Structurally, you may want to revise it so it will be a better read. This also tightens it up, and makes it more direct, with more impact I think.
I will try to give you an example, which you may or may not prefer:
The sky is free.
It's essence calls to me
On a warm sunny day.
When the wind starts to blow
I already know
I will soar.
A storm approaches during day.
Still I do not delay
In a yearning to be one with the wind.
I take a deep breath
And in flows life
What a natural high.
Body is on the ground
But mind and spirit are in the sky.
Onward the wind will blow.
And when it's time to die
My spirit will remain eternal
in the sky.
What will that be like?
I hope some of my ideas are helpful to you.
Your writing of this piece is really good and I like it very much. Interestingly enough, you write in a similar manner to some of what I write.
I found this to be interesting and I enjoyed reading it. Clarifying the meaning, and certain modifications would make it a better read. To me, as a reader, I found the message of this piece difficult to discern.
I would like to show some changes you may wish to use, or not, as you wish. These are meant to be constructive:
Suggestions:
Use "He was beyond the point of exhaustion, as every muscle in his body
ached."
eliminate " There were but a handful of clouds in the sky and"
use: Were it not for a few birds chirping, one may have been....
but the thought of being found deadened by exhaustion (use: but the thought
of being found, exhausted, while....)
A single tear slowly made its way down his cheek as the oars finally
slipped from his fingers. (eliminate the word "finally")
(add a comma after cheek)
Despite the unbearable pain, (eliminate "the")
overwhelming feeling of joy overtook him (use : a feeling of joy
overwhelmed him)
"It was the perfect day and the absolutely perfect way to spend it."
(what is this saying to the reader?)
"These days " (use "Days like this")
"to force all thoughts of who he had become to dissipate."
(use: exhaustion so thoughts of who he had become would dissipate)
"This was his newfound ecstasy." (what is this saying to the reader?)
"James was constantly consumed by the strange loneliness that one can only
feel in the midst of so many strangers. Despite such loneliness and the
longing for companionship,"
(use: James was consumed by the loneliness he felt by being among so many
strangers. Despite his longing for companionship,)
"It never ceased to amaze him that these were the days he treasured most
and yet these were the same days that he wished were no longer necessary."
(use "these were the days he treasured most, yet these were the same days
that he wished were no longer necessary.)
I prefer not to see any particular religion "pushed" here or anywhere else.
I am a Christian, but respect the thoughts and rights of others.
The answers you show really don't make sense.
If I were to meet Jesus, Abraham, Buddha or Mohammed on a street corner, I would ask them why so many of their present-day followers have lost sight of what they lived for, which is to be respectful to all people, even ones who have different opinions.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joseph2005
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 6:09am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
