\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/josephthl
Review Requests: OFF
4 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of His Last Of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by John Littner Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Overall, I liked the whole idea behind the story and the plot. The main thing that I think detracts from the overall effectiveness of the story is the fact that all the verbs are in present tense. Writing in present tense is something that is generally avoided in literature. This is because it doesn't sound "natural". It often times comes across awkward and brings attention to itself.

My suggestion would be to rewrite this story but use past tense after your opening paragraph. The opening paragraph I think can be left in present tense because it is very effective at capturing the reader's attention.

In paragraph 20 you present the man (the father) rather suddenly. You start referring to him as "the man" right off the bat. But, the reader has no idea where this character came from. The first time you menting him you should say "a man" because he is being presented for the first time.

Also in the ending it seems a little confusing what is going on. Although the diction you use is beautiful, I had to read through it a few time to figure out what you were saying. Perhaps the reason is because it is in present tense. Either way, I think it should be cleaned up and made a little clearer.

I'd like to finish by reiterating the fact that your ideas are great and this story has GREAT potential. There are just some issues that need to be addressed that seem to hamper the overall effectiveness of the story. Great work and keep writing.

Regards,
John Littner
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/josephthl