You had a great concept of a poem. Your diction was great, but I think each line should not have a very long number of words because having the problem of wordiness in each line might ruin the whole poem. Well, a poem is intended to be read aloud, right? If you have a line which contains many words, we may no longer achieve the rhymes and we may achieve confusion on which are the word endings. I hope this works. Thank you!
Josh
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