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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jpeters430
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3 Public Reviews Given
108 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, that was absolutely fantastic. Definitely one of my favorite pieces that I've read on this site (and I've read quite a bit).

I like the whole semi-craziness you brought to the main character. He's a normal guy, but from the beginning when he talks about being obsessed with sex, there's a slight sense of uncertainty. I loved that.

You definitely know what your doing. The story was good, the writing and inner thoughts all fit together, and it was perfectly paced. A fantastic job.

Your descriptions of Leesa and what it was like to see her were so good, I totally felt like I was there and seeing (and experiencing) her.

That said, and even though I'm giving you 5 stars, there were a few things I noticed.

The one little thing that threw me was this sentence.

Ouch! My opinion? What was I, her mother? “It’s very lovely, Leesa, an excellent choice for a girl of your beauty.”

Just the Ouch! line I absolutely didn't like. There was a sort of gentle flow to the story, and then suddenly there was this direct thought. Very minor, but it threw me off. I think it's just the exclamation point. At one other point later in the story you use another internal thought (Good! I think). Again, it was the exlamation point that I didn't like. It's sort of a quiet brooding story and when I read that sudden Good!, it just seemed so out of place. A simple period would have been much more effective for me.

Also, the section where Leesa gives her reasons for getting with the guy. I didn't necessarily like those two or three paragraphs. At first I was incredibly disappointed. I thought the story full of so much amazing potential was about to turn into a classic characters doing the stereotypical things.

But you then went on very nicely from there. I think it was just that the words Leesa said were so direct that it seemed to be out of place. Also, I was hoping that she wouldn't be the usual crazy woman (though you come back very nicely). I think trying to soften her and make her just slightly more sympathetic would help here.

I liked how the story sort of switched gears and you didn't let on to his plan until the end, you just kept referencing "the plan."

It was absolutely fantastic though. I loved every moment. I am being nitpicky in finding those two little spots, but I think since everything else was so wonderful, they stood out to me like little blemishes.

Great job though, the story, the characters, the descriptions, all superb.

Keep on writing,
Jeff Peters
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