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152 Public Reviews Given
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51
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Review of Unlucky Edna  
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi! There are a lot of things I like about your story. It shows great imagination, for one thing. I like the fact that this is a science fiction piece set in the future (or perhaps in an alternate universe,) but that it doesn't have to be. Your story is not dependent on its setting, in other words, and that is good. The setting does suit the story, though, and makes it that much more interesting, in my humble opinion.
Dani is an interesting character with some interesting backstory. Her husband's got a problem, which means that she does. They've lost everything, down to custody of their children. It is hard for Dani to feel happy for Edna, until she realizes the loss the other woman has experience.
It is a little unclear whether the reader, at this point, is supposed to infer that Edna had something to do with her town's (and thus her family's) demise. We are told that there's a court judgement against her- but what part could Edna have played in the tragedy that would have resulted in such punishment? She isn't in jail, and she isn't on death row, it seems she is only under monetary obligation. Or does the court judgement have nothing at all to do with the other backstory? A little more clarity here would go a long way.
I think it is an interesting story though, and encourage you to give it another edit or two.
All the Best!
John
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52
Review of Consolation  
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I enjoyed reading your story. Personifying animals can be tricky work. It is nowhere near as easy as it seems, I know from experience. There are lots of potential pitfalls, which you avoided in your narrative.
The story is interesting. The main character's opinions regarding his mate and their joey are complex, and a little heartbreaking. I like the character, though, and hope his negative thoughts regarding his family diminish as he adjusts to his new paradigm. Perhaps the new tree will help...
All in all the story is also very well-written. In order that I make this critique at all helpful, though, I do have one or two suggestions you may want to consider.

There are a few (and only a few) instances of sentences that are not entirely clear. For example:

Charlie hopped out as if he was caught in a surreal world.

might read:

Charlie hopped out into a surreal world of new, and yet familiar aromas.

or

Charlie hopped out as though caught in some new, surreal reality.

would be two suggestions. The sentence in the story gets the point across, but I don't love the "out as if he was." I think that's my issue with the sentence; all the two and three letter words make for a less-smooth read.

Another sentence that jumped out at me was:

Finally, when Charlie turned his head around, he saw it.

Is "finally" really the word you want to use here? Would a simple "And then" be stronger?

And then Charlie turned his head and he saw it.

So those are my two suggestions- use them or not as you like :)

Again, I really enjoyed your story. You have skill and talent as a writer and as a storyteller.

All the Best!
John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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53
Review of Upside Down  
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I enjoyed reading your story! It has a lot of imagination, and you have created an interesting setting in The Coven. I also like the idea that your protagonist is the only human welcomed among the other wielders of magic.
I would like to offer a little constructive criticism, and please take it as just that.
Try to avoid using the word "As" as the first word of a sentence, when possible. It tends to put the sentence on the defensive, so to speak; makes it appear less strong.
This very good story, in my humble opinion, would benefit from a re-edit with two thoughts in mind:
- am I using as few words as necessary in order to convey my idea?
- how does the story sound when read aloud? Are the pace and flow okay?

I hope this is helpful. I use those two tips on every story I write now (and always catch myself committing a multitude of sins!)

Best of luck with your writing! You have obvious talent and imagination. I look forward to reading more of your work!!

John
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54
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow. Once again, a very cool, very well-written story. You are a talented writer, of that there is no doubt.
The story was engaging and creepy (in a good way.) Again, there is a great sense of setting- you have a gift for painting quality mental pictures using very few words.
In order to make this review at all helpful, here's my scathing, take-no-prisoners, tough-love critique lol
While the story reads well overall- especially the dialogue and dialogue attribution (or artful lack thereof, in many places) there are a very few points in the narrative that get just a bit clunky. A great suggestion (I forget who said this, I'm sure many people have) is to read your drafts aloud to yourself. If any part of the narrative doesn't flow off of the tongue, or doesn't feel natural, change it so that it does. Honestly though, most of it flows very well, I'm just being nit-picky because you're just that good that nit-picky is all I've got to work with lol!

Again, loved the story. You are a really talented writer and I look forward to reading more of your work!! Keep it up!!
John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi. Very fun, spooky story! You have a lot of talent, that is for sure! The story pulled me in, and that is, in my opinion, the most important thing. I also dig the ending, nice twist!
There's a lot of very good description too. "Cannon-like report" love it.
I always try to include some constructive criticism, because I always appreciate when someone thinks enough of my skills to want to help improve them.
The best advice I ever got (so far) was "always ask yourself, are you using as few words as possible in order to say what you want?" There are places in your narrative that are a bit wordy and you might want to consider condensing where possible. Not too much, mind you.
My other suggestion would be to read your story aloud to yourself. In my opinion there are a few places where it might flow better if the sentences were structured a bit differently. For example,

After smoking a cigarette and visiting with the boys in the foyer of the grange hall, he stepped out into the wind; tilting his hat into it and pulling up the collar of his jean jacket, he walked across the gravel parking lot towards his truck.

After a quick cigarette with a few of the boys he stepped out of the grange hall and into the wind. He flipped his collar and tilted his hat; walked across the gravel lot toward his truck.

Again, please take this constructive criticism as it is intended, and not as a shot at your work, which is very very good. So good in fact that I would love it if you'd consider reading one of my horror stories and giving me your opinion.

Keep up the terrific work! You are a talented writer, and I look forward to reading more of your stories!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Boon  
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! Sucks to be Jed, eh?
Great story- I thoroughly enjoyed it. You are obviously a very talented writer, with a great imagination.
Here's what I really liked about it:

The voice. Though the story is told in the third person, that third person is quite obviously of the same world/paradigm as Jed. That reinforces the story very well. Love the use of terms such as "hisself."

The fact that the story alludes to Count Dracula in the most offhanded of ways (through noted suspicions of the townspeople and the fact that the wizard is a feudal lord.) It lends your character, who is obviously not Count Dracula, all of the big guy's dark romance, without being obvious or dishonest about it.

The parable aspect of the story. The theme of the story is quite obviously "be careful what you wish for" but you did a terrific job of presenting a very old theme in an artful way.

The prose is fantastic. "like week-old fish at a banquet." "they laughed all high and tinkly like glass." Love it! Fantastic similes.

I apologize, really. I always try to offer constructive criticism, but honestly I usually don't come across stories that are quite so complete and well written. Aside from a few sentences I may have chosen to word a little differently (which is really more a matter of personal style) I can't really find anything to critique.

Kudos. And by the way, if you ever read horror, I would LOVE if you'd give me your thoughts on one of mine. I'm always looking for feedback from folks who can write!

All the Best,
Looking forward to reading more of your work!
John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Deacon Ryce  
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! I really enjoyed your story. I try to make a point of reviewing one or two a day, and to be perfectly honest, it isn't every day that a story pulls me in, so to speak.

Now, I don't claim to know very much at all about steampunk, but I get and appreciate the broad strokes of the genre. Having said that, I do not read the genre, and am unfamiliar with Ashlands. Is that the title of this WIP, or is your story a work of fan-fiction, utilizing characters and/or places from a well-known series?

Either way your work is very imaginative. Without at all over-describing the prison you described it well enough that I can see it, can recall it even now, in my mind'd eye. The fact that the prison is so unique a structure (and the fact, of course, that it is a prison) makes it a great setting. At the end of your story the Deacon is released- but just out of curiosity, have you considered looking back at the prison as a possible setting for future short stories? I think I would...

Your work is one in progress; are you thinking short story, series of stories, or novel? In my humble opinion, it reads very much like an introduction to a good sized short story or novel.

While the piece is fun and engaging, there are a few rough spots in the narrative flow- not many, but a few. Someone once told me- always ask yourself, am I using as few words as possible in order to say what I want to say? For example, the sentence:

He said his farewell to the guards and staff, Warden and officers, assuring all that he harbored no ill will against them

you could cut the "against them." That is implied, as the only other people mentioned in the paragraph thus far are "them" (the warden, and the rest)- and the Deacon himself, who is the one doing the harboring (or, as the case would be, the lack thereof!)

He said his farewell to the Warden and the prison staff, assured all that he harbored no ill will.

That's one suggestion.

Please take my criticism, such as it is, as constructive. I am a writer who is only now trying to get published. I'm still working on my craft too, and am always looking for helpful suggestions and critiques. In fact, if you are at all a fan of horror stories I'd love it if you'd give me your opinion on one or two. You are obviously serious about your writing, and I need people like that to critique me :) If not, no problem at all.
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58
Review of Hear Me Cry  
Review by J. Robert Kane
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Silenced,

First let me say that your story moved me; it was touching and honest; gripping even.
I am not a professional writer, and I am certainly not a critic but I'll do my very best...

Sarah's story is one I can relate to, as I have battled an addictive personality my whole life. Trying my best to put that aside, I found myself empathizing with her, and wanting to know more. For me, that is the sign of a good story- do I want to keep reading, or have I lost interest? I never lost interest reading "Hear Me Cry."

From a technical standpoint, there are a few places where tense becomes a bit unclear; It seems to me that it moves from present tense to past and back. In my humble opinion (and again, take it from where it comes) I would love to read a strictly present tense edit of your story. The present tense, I find, lends a story just the sort of desperation and pace that Sarah's life and current situation demand.

Having said that, know that I often struggle to keep tense straight in my own work- it can be a slippery devil!

All things said, I think your story is very, very good, and I'd love to read more. I look forward to reading more of your work, and hope you keep posting!

All the Best,

J R Kane
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