I have organized suggestions etc in numbers corresponding with the paragraph. Also, corrections will be in red.
1."...stood up, introduced herself, and then dove..."
3."I'm going to draw two. Those two will interview..."
"each other"
4.Try italicizing the thought instead of quotes
(need a space between para 5 and 6)
9. Try italicizing thought
comma after "text"
11."Humor"
12.period after "class"
14.no comma after "into it"
27.comma needed after "After supper"
28.designer's
30.Then the whoever
person too long
32."He must have looked up..."
web-site
"They worked on how they were going to ..." try present instead of work ".. on their news cast."
web-site
humor
I stopped at this point because I have a few pointers for you. Something that may help a little nstead of going through and picking out things.
You tell this story like a news cast itself. "Just the facts, ma'am." There's no emotion in it. You're characters and scenes are flat - non-demensional.
When you start your rewrite, go through each point where you have a new place or person introduced and add some description. Use metaphors and descriptive words to describe and "show" your readers what things/people/places look like and how they feel.
Example: He broke her heart.
Or: Her breath caught in her throat as he tore her heart in two.
The second gives a better emotional description.
It has the potential to be a good, cute, human-interest story. However, it needs some work.
Should you rewrite, feel free to let me know. I'm always willing to reread, rereview, and rerate.
Very good writing and very touching. It warms the heart.
I'm not an English major, but after reading the first time (I tried to critique while reading and couldn't. Had to start over ), there were only two things that I noticed.
1)"When my phone rang the next morning all I could do was listen as Jack{c:red), emotional and sobbing, told me of the previous days events.
2)Galahad - who was there at the end of every day with a ball to be thrown..
Obviously, it's a very morbid poem. However, it's also a well written poem. There a very few things that I would recommend, but you did ask for info, so here it is.
Wording was good, but to keep in the same style as the last verses, I would rearrange the first verse.
(i.e) "To peel back this scab of faded reality,
To finally expose this pulsating hard truth"
If you switched these two lines, it would be more in keeping with the rest of the poem.
Also, I would suggest changing "sweaty blood" (last verse, third line} to something else as "sweaty" tends to give a negative feeling and the murderer obviously does not find anything about the act that is distasteful. (Ideas: salty blood, the heat of the blood, slick blood, etc).
I hope these comments help. All in all though, a very good poem, if dark.
I would suggest, however, that you work on the rhythm. In the first verse, the words flow very smoothly. The cadence for the second and fourth lines matches almost perfectly.
Because of this, I expect the rest of the verses to do the same. Although there is some poetry that reads more like sentences, those that rhyme (to my mind) should also have a continuing rhythm.
As to the choice of wording, I clap my hands. You use great vocabulary choices to bring out more feeling. (example: basked, untrodden, "slice like a sword") Good imagery.
In closing, with a little work, you've got a good poem there. I'd like to see more. Keep writing!
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), there were only two things that I noticed.