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Review of gasoline colors  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I read through this several times to make sure I didn't miss anything that you were saying.

It probably didn't seem as "deep" to you because as the one writing it, you were fully aware of what you were seeing between the words.

You did a good job of painting the frozen ice crystals -- that's something I can identify with, living in snow country. I had never heard of the term "wooden sleepers" before. Would that be the wooden train slats that are between the metal tracks? (never too old to learn) *Smile*

The ending sections are quite intense and do a good job of helping the reader experience those final few moments.

I hope you'll continue to write more.
Good job!
JUDY
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think it has potential, certainly. I read through it twice and think the sentiments that are being expressed are very touching.

I do have one point of confusion with it. Are we to assume the girl's mother is no longer alive? or able to ever see her daughter again? It seems to have been written while the girl was quite young yet. Perhaps the mother could put a little explanation in this preface about why she couldn't be there to raise her daughter.

To keep your writing from seemingly running into one long chunk of words, I would strongly suggest using a space between paragraphs to make it more visually appealing and readable.

Overall, you've gotten my attention and if you go on to writing an actual first chapter, I'd love to read it!

*Smile* Judy
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Review of The Journey Home  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sounded like one scary flight, given the storms. I don't enjoy flying all that much and to think of doing it in a storm almost made me feel ill, lol.

In your opening line of description, it appears you meant to put that statement in italics, but you forgot to use the in the beginning of the sentence, even though you used the ending one .

For a first story piece of creative writing, this isn't bad at all. The only thing you might want to do is add a bit more to the body of it. One gets the feeling you are rushing through to the end when it really doesn't need to be that way. Let the reader savor more of what the flight was like -- perhaps he needed to use the bathroom while in-flight, difficulty trying to read with the plane bouncing all around, etc. Things like that.

*Smile* Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Overall, this story has a good plot and main character. It was not difficult to follow as some stories are. One thing I would like to see is a line break between paragraphs. That would make it much more "readable".

One suggestion - as you had already mentioned the insects "pestering" him in the very beginning, rather than re-use that term just a few lines later, ("...with insects pestering him.")I would suggest rephrasing that to something like, "..with swarming insects trying to feed upon him..

Just wondering if this is a first draft? What you have written is good but the story, at this point, seems quite short and missing descriptions, and such, that will help the reader "see" what your character is seeing and feeling. I would love to see what you can do with this.

*Smile* Judy
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Review of Highway to Hell  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very reflective story. I'm sure it brought back a lot of memories for you to write it. It is these types of accounts, however, that help us civilians to gain a more concrete look at the varied scenes in the war zone.

You've done a good job with writing this. *Smile* Judy
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Review of The War in Iraq  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Way to go! I don't think you could have said that any better.

You are so right about the "views" expressed by our news correspondents! It's sad that the American people are hearing only what "they" want us to hear!

Good job with writing this.
*Smile* Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You've expressed yourself well in this poem. I will admit the last section kind was kind of unexpected as it turned from the physical to the spiritual sort of "all of a sudden." Not that it didn't fit, it just surprised me.

The truth comes through loud and clear and pauses the reader to realize (which is good) that truly our freedoms that we so often take for granted, did come with a hefty price.

A good reminder for everyone - me included. *Smile*

Judy
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Review of HOWLING HALLOWEEN  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't think that could have been done any better! It is very easy to read and flows well. Each line conjured up a mind picture and it was delightful to read. Kind of brought me back many years to the days I went skipping around the blocks, door to door.

*Smile* Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm liking this story. The only downside to it is the length. I think it would fairly easy to add more to it. If you need any help, by way of suggestions, I could try to re-write a small portion of it just for you to see as an example.

Only error I found was in the sentence, " Maybe they could hurry to get over us." Did you mean "over to us" - I'm thinking that you just forgot the word "to". Or you might want to re-word it a bit, like, "hurring getting over to us."

One suggestion at the very end. Note these two sentences regarding Dave being rescued. "As we pondered..." and next sentence, "As we prepared..."
Rather than starting both sentences the same, I would suggest changing the 2nd one to read, "While preparing Allen to be transported,..."

Thanks for letting me know it was ready to read. I love stories. *Smile*
Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Carlene,

I would like to welcome you to WDC and hope you will thoroughly enjoy being a part of this awesome writing group.

Before I get into pointing out individual things in your story that need a bit of attention, please let me say that I think your ability to put a complex story such as this together, is wonderful. I enjoyed all the emotions and thoughts that the main character displayed and by the end of the story I felt like I really knew these people.Your descriptions were strong as well.

I have rated this based mainly on story content. As someone with a lot of editing experience, however, I also have pointed out many of the areas I saw which need some attention. One suggestion I would make is for you to slowly re-read your stories after writing them, sentence by sentence, outloud, to see how they sound. By doing this, you'll easily spot places that need commas and such because you will pause in your reading of it.

The parts of your story that I'm calling attention to are in blue, my changes in black. Any questions - please feel free to send me an email. *Smile*

*******************
1st line of 2nd para. - would have even acknowledge a question" Being in the past tense, (have) - need a "d" on the end of "acknowledge"

Very end of that same para. "...more like damnation rather than a reprieve." the word "rather" is not needed and I would delete that.

Near middle of next para. ...No it wasn’t a cold chill,," Need a comma after the word "No"
ALSO,
Last line of that same para. {c:blue{..dinner and drinks the same they did every Thursday night." Need a word between "same" and "they" Could be "same as they did" or "same thing they did".

Next para. "They're sex life..." That should by "Their" rather than "They're"

A bit further down -- "She hand was already on the way to the fly..." Should be "Her hand.."

At the stoplight after the Camaro came up aside their car. "She didn’t acknowledge him she was too busy..." That runs together too much. I would put a period at the end of "him" and begin a new sentence.

At the restaurant."She didn’t acknowledge him she was too busy..." Need a comma after "him".

After realizing she'd said something stupid while sitting at the table in the restaurant...I’ll be back.” She offered and got up to leave. This reads as one sentence - after the quotation I'd just put a small "s" on "She".

Regarding the wording on the back of the business card--"...muscle car restoration, cute.” I think the wording on the card likely ended with "restoration" rather than "cute". Should probably read, "...restoration." Cute!

Back from the restaurant, in bed. "...Egyptian cotton sheets she thought about her “cousin”..." That doesn't read right. Read the entire sentence and you'll see why it's awkward. To fix it, try saying, "...cotton sheets, thinking about..."

Beginning of next para. "...he was already asleep blond hair falling..." Need a comma after "asleep".

Same para. "...Lena lick tequila out of her navel messing..." Need a comma after "navel" to keep it from all running together.

A bit further down, "Darrell was just a figure head she did all the real..." This is running two thoughts together - can either end one sentence after "head" and begin a new sentence, or could put a dash "head - she..."

In the next para., "...bar tender" . That is just one word, "bartender".

Next para. first line, {c"blue} "...with out" That's also one word, "without"

Also, on the phone to her friend she could hear, "...in the back ground" Another one word, "background".

Down several paragraphs, where Matt had woken up somewhat, ...She rolled him on to his back captured his mouth for..." The word should be "capturing".

The very next sentence, "Her eyes closed she could vividly see Chance there golden brown eyes hidden behind his thick dark lashes." This needs commas - the most likely places being after "closed" and another after "there".

The sentence beginning with "The pace was reaching a fever..." is quite long and needs either commas or you might want to make that two sentences.

As they were talking about Laura, where Georgia is thinking, "small infatuation this had substance to it." Need a comma after "infatuation".
*******************

Again, I enjoyed reading your story. Please keep writing, I'd love to read more!

Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite well said!

I do agree that guns are too readily available and those who profit from their sales could care less what people do with them, as long as they don't shoot them!

I hope the "ballets" prove to hold some positive answers to the problem!

*Smile* Judy
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Review of Democracy.  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite well put!

The only thing I would like to see is a space between each paragraph. That really gives the reader the "visual breath" that's needed, especially when the topic is a serious one, such as this.

What you've written could apply to so many cities in the USA. That's really sad.

Thanks for taking the time to write this, AND, welcome to WDC.

*Smile* Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
My goodness Brandi, what a tragedy to have experienced. I was in one accident and hope to never be in another!

As for content - that was all laid out quite well and I could see the story as it played out very good in my head.

The only thing you need to begin doing with your writing is to capitalize the first letter of the words that: #1 - begin a sentence, #2 - the first letter of a person's name, and #3 - the word "I" is always capitalized.

Welcome to WDC. I'm sure you'll make many friends here and enjoy being a part of the group.

*Smile* Judy
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Review of What is Love  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Love is a wonderful thing to experience. I enjoyed reading your poem and read it through several times to fully absorb it.

I will admit when you went from talking about "love" to "true love" it was like turning a corner onto another street and it confused me a bit.

There are two lines (2nd section and 2nd to the last section) where you have a typo - should be "meant" instead of "ment".

Also, midway through the poem, the word "compaired" --leave the "i" out of that word.

I hope you'll continue to write more and add to your portfolio. Welcome to WDC and above all, have fun here!

*Smile* Judy
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Review of I miss you, Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)

My goodness, what a story -- the sad thing being that it is all true! I know a lot about ADD and ADhD - from personal experience with myself and my son. It has probably been one of the most misunderstood and difficult of handicaps to deal with.

I was so sorry your father never came to understand you before he passed. I also know the medication issue can be a nightmare.

I hope writing will be a good outlet for you and I welcome you to Writing.com where I'm anxious to read more of your items as you add to your portfolio.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Judy
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Review of Six  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Wow - the content of what you all wrote -- a definite tear jerker. Is he still gone and if so, when will he be back home again?

You expressed yourself very well and made it easy for the readers to put themselves right there, thinking your thoughts, feeling your emotions...

I will point out just two minor little error you will likely want to fix, both quite near the end where the fingers get tired. *Smile*
#1 - "Together We’ll weave.." - change the capital W to a small w.
#2 - "I dream of the when you get off the plane" - just need to insert the word "time" before "when".

Very touching indeed.

Judy
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Review of I am thankful for  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Oh, what a sweet tribute to your mother. Not all are worthy of that. I used to be a foster mom for many years and saw the "opposite" side.

Beautiful! You keep writing and I trust you'll love being a part of the Writing.com community.

Welcome Aboard! *Smile* Judy
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Review of acrylic daydream  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to Writing.com!!!

It is my pleasure to review your "daydream" - *Smile*

You have an excellent way of painting a picture in the mind of the reader. You have great descriptive abilities! I felt like I was right there -- in your picture of what you were seeing and experiencing.

Just a few minor suggestions:

1 - In the 1st para. I'd put a comma after, "...rotting fish" before you continue on with that sentence.

2 - I'd like to see you turn this sentence around for more impact.
"The sharp sound of thunder wakes me from my acrylic daydream, and my eyes snap open." (As is)
"My eyes snap open, a sharp sound of thunder waking me from my acrylic daydream." (my suggestion)

Great job! Young English teacher must have loved you.

p.s. - don't forget to set your Bio-Block on your home page so readers can get to know a little bit about you.

*Smile* Judy
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Review of How good are you?  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
That was a really cool quiz, one that I actually had to read and think about before deciding how to answer it.

One little spelling problem I found with your question about half way down - the one about "council". I noticed it in two spots in that question/answer. In the way you were using the word, it would be "counselling" and "counsel" -- - Council is a group of people on a committee, etc.

*Smile* Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your article is sure to broaden the awareness of all who read this. I think it is a topic which should be touched on in our schools as well, on a periodic basis.

I applaud your taking the time to write this all important article. Your examples are good and I have but a few little comments to make regarding wording, spelling etc.

In your fourth para., I would like to see one section written slightly different. Just my opinion but I'll offer it anyway. *Smile* It is where you've written,
"They have nothing. They began with nothing." I think it would be stronger if stated, "They began with nothing and they still have nothing."

Down in the para. beginning with WRONG - very end. The word "seperate" - very common spelling error. It should be "separate".

In the very next para. first line --"to helping..." That should either be "to help" or "of helping"

A few para. later where you refer to the "chinese boy and a chinese girl", you need a Capital "C" on Chinese.

Keep up the good work. You're a good person with a good heart.

*Smile* Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You've said this all too well. A period of history that has all but been forgotten by so many.

I like the way you've put this together -- very simply yet very powerful! The double statements of "They are..." are very effective.

One little typo - I think in the last section "Their hear beat" you meant to say "heart"

Good job and a good reminder of history as well!

*Smile* Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Jennifer,

I was following the sunrise description until suddenly the sentence beginning, "Spotting the landscape... when it all came to an abrupt half after "the many people who " ?

I'm not sure if you know the complete story is not there. You might want to check that out and go into "edit" where you'll be able to add whatever is missing from that point.

As for what I was able to read of it, I'd like to point out just a few suggestions, a typo, etc.

#1 - Your first sentence regarding the changing color of the rising sun -- end of that sentence "..fiery orange and on into a radiant pink." As this is the third color, I think it would read more smoothly to reword it like this "...fiery orange, followed by a radiant pink."

#2 - Read your second sentence aloud to yourself, and wherever you pause briefly in speaking it, that will help you determine where a comma or two are needed.

#3 - Sentence beginning "Simple flecks..." - Comma after "pitted" and one after "night"

#4 - same sentence, typo "untill" - just drop the extra "l".

I love your descriptive paragraph that starts with,
"As the new light of day..." Flows well and paints a good word picture. *Smile*

Please let me know when you get the missing part of the story added. I'd love to read the rest of it.

Judy
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Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Some really heavy stuff. And truly, life will never be the same. I was fortunate to be a part of the military when it was peace time - late 70's. Reading your account is excellent -- in a time when life goes on seemingly without a care at times, this ought to be published in every newspaper on the front page in the United States.

Thanks for taking the time to write it and share it with all of us a WDC.

*Smile* Judy
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Review of The Boxer  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good. Let me offer just a few suggestions that I believe would make it even better.
***********

In the end of the first paragraph -
"The problem was the fight had gone out of him. He had a contract to uphold, so he had no choice."

#1 - to make it apparent that (fight) in this sentence did not mean the obvious fist to fist contact, I would set that word off in quotes or put it in italics to make it obvious we're talking about his inner spirit.
#2 - I would make that one sentence instead of two, as in..."out of him, but he had no choice as he had a contract to uphold."

#3 - After the first round, "The warm blood ..." Just nix the word "the" and begin with "Warm blood..."

#4 - As Johnny grew confident and was boxing well, in your sentence, "His demeanor shouted winner to the crowd..." The word "winner" needs to stand out - it can be "winner" or bolded, WINNER - but make it stand out. *Smile*

#5 - ditto with being called the "come back kid" - that needs to be emphasized.

I love your final encouraging paragraph but I would put a space between that and the end of the story itself. Let these powerful words stand on their on in a paragraph of their own!

Great story -- one that most everyone can learn something positive from and use in their own lives.

*Smile* Judy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..


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Review of Feeling Lucky  Open in new Window.
Review by JudyB Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Can only describe this using one word: "Riviting!"

Gosh, I was right there in those shoes not many years back, and I COMPLETELY identified with absolutely everything you said.

It was written very, very well. My only suggestion is for you to put a blank space between paragraphs so the stories you write do not visually run together.

Welcome to Writing.com -- I know you'll love it here! If you have any questions about this huge site, let me know.

*Smile* Judy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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