I loved having to look up the meaning of this word. As my high school English teacher once told us, "You should learn something new every day." You gave me today's new word, and I thank you.
I have only one suggestion, and please take it in the friendly way it's intended. I've been told that thoughts should be differentiated from spoken speech, perhaps in italics. An example in your story could be, What am I going to do about the changes in Bill? she wondered
One last thing! I shop at Safeway all the time. Thanks to your story, I think I'll start going to Lucky's instead. (laughing)
I enjoyed this story and not only because it made me Google on a term I'd never heard before, "panel beater." I'm still not sure who Nicole Bonham is, a woman referenced near the end of the story, but that didn't ruin it for me.
The flow was excellent without any bumps that made me wince because of bad spelling and only minor punctuation problems. Perhaps it could be broken into shorter sections, but that's just a personal preference of mine.
Okay, to the content now. It was fun to read about someone who named her vibrators since a Canadian online friend recently told me about her BOB. I've been known to name my new Toyota Yaris car (Blue Satyr), robotic lawnmower (Mellow Yellow Fellow), and even a mop (Webster), but vibrators? (grinning)
I recommend this story and hope this writer puts more into this portfolio.
I'm fairly new to writing in the erotica genre. However, I prefer reading it when it's not just the usual rather boring pornographic words with no plot, just people bumping and humping. I would rather have something left to my imagination, although I am not averse to reading about the actual sex act.
Perhaps because I have a medical background I prefer to use words like penis and vagina rather than the more common "shock and awe" terms. Anyway, that's just this sexagenarian's opinion, for what it's worth!
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I understand the feeling of never again seeing people I became close with over time. Your classifying your piece under tragedy seems a bit "over the top" to me, but then I'm probably decades older than you are and used to people disappearing from my life.
I hope you continue writing and sharing your feelings with us. This article was a good start.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I thoroughly enjoyed your piece, and something I've mentioned before on Writing.com fits into the theme of your article.
Dare to be different! Jump fingers first into an unfamiliar genre! Risk readers/reviewers not liking what you write and politely thumb your nose at them when they don't.
To write something of interest to others, you have to risk change and explore your life. This article says exactly how I feel. Thank you for writing it.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
You wrote what I, being a rather cynical person, would call a modern fairy tale. I wonder if there really are kind souls like Elizabeth to help disposable people similar to Carl.
The only major problem I see is your use of too many passive verbs that made your story less interesting. If you Google on "passive verbs", you will find many sites that explain the difference between passive and active verbs. Here is one to get you started: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/grammar/act-pass... Passive verbs also creep into my own stories, so let's work on stamping out those pesky verbs.
You mentioned in your bio that you want to be a published author, but I see you have stopped posting your stories here. Have you given up on your dream? That would be sad because you write a good story.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I once wanted to see a movie on TV, but there was a football game scheduled before it. Because the time still to be played was only 58 seconds, I thought the movie would be on soon and sat watching a game I didn't understand that dragged on WAY past 58 seconds. Never again!
Now, baseball has a timeless magic about it for me. Unlike the game of football, I see no padded men with deformed bodies running around the bases. The noise of the crowd in the background excites me. Today, more than any other, the magic is still there as Barry Bonds hits 755 to catch up with Hammerin' Hank!
Your splendid article points out the soft cancerous spots in baseball. However, I prefer to think of it as still healthy, alive and well, for all of us true fans, young and old!
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I have to say the title pulled me in since I am a servant of cats. I may have to experiment with my mob to test your toothpaste theory. On second thought, I don't have a dog to lick it off, and I'll be darned if I'll wash a cat myself.
Thank you for a delightful story, but why haven't you continued writing? I'm sure others here would like to read more about Paedon's adventures. I know I would.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
As one who owns stock, but has never attended a shareholder's meeting, I sure am glad I haven't if they are like this one. Lockdown Security does not sound like a company I'd want to invest in.
I do wish you had checked for proper spelling and correct punctuation, but I enjoyed the story anyway. You mentioned you are Canadian, so is the town you mention in the following sentence located there?
"Once I'd been to Whistelr, which cost more than I really should have, but it had been fun. "
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I hope you do continue this story. It was intriguing with a few surprises thrown in that kept me reading.
There is one minor problem, though, you might want to correct. For easier readability and future editing, you need to put blank lines in between your paragraphs. In the real world, writers indent their paragraphs, so you might prefer to differentiate them in this way instead using this site's Indent feature.
When, not if, you add to this story, please let me know. Also, don't be shy, as your bio states. You ARE among friends here.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
As one who has consigned many a resume or CV to the circular file, otherwise known as the bit bucket, you have reached the nadir of an employer's expectation for an employee. It was a delight to read such honesty from a job seeker.
However, because there are no further updates in your portfolio, I must wonder what you've been doing since May of 2006. Therefore, I must pass on hiring you. Good luck in your future endeavors, whether on the couch or not.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I honestly didn't need your language lesson to understand this poem, though some words in your country might be different. While reading it, I could hear my Mum reminding us kids, before Dad took us on our Sunday drives, "Go before you leave!"
We didn't have cups when we didn't listen, just bushes on the side of country roads. Thanks for the memory...I think! (laughing)
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
My first thought when I ventured into your portfolio was, "Why is there only one item here?"
You have a good writing style, and I hope you continue adding to your portfolio. The story itself was quite good with valuable insight into life with a Down Syndrome family member.
A problem that you need to correct, however, is your punctuation, mainly the improper use of commas. This is something most of us are guilty of in our pieces. A good spellchecker might catch many of your errors along with misspelled words. There are also many good books on punctuation. My constant reference is "The Gregg Reference Manual" by William A. Sabin. I'm sure writers on this site can recommend other good books, and you can always Google to find what you need.
Again, please keep writing and sharing your ideas with the rest of us.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
This was a good try for what you said was a first draft. Although it was a fascinating and unique story, there were a few minor problems with it you can correct quickly.
Droping to the ground s/b dropping to the ground
All to often s/b All too often
fighting againt sundown s/b fighting against sundown
arrow made it's way s/b arrow made its way
There are a few other misspelled or incorrect words, but the use of a spellchecker should find them for you. Also, you might want to double-check your punctuation.
All in all, I did enjoy your story, particularly the ending. With just a bit more work on it, your future readers should give it a higher rating.
Your virtual creation seemed such a perfect place to visit. I was starting to imagine what my dream man would be like, and then suddenly you jolted me back to the real world. At least, I think I'm back. Yes, I recognize certain things around me, so I must be back.
What a great story you wrote, pulling me in effortlessly. You do descriptions so well that I could easily picture the rooms Jane walked through on her way to meet her final destiny.
Well done, and thank you for a fun read. I'm giving it one of my very rare 5.0 ratings!
This was a nice story, but your abrupt change of POV threw me. The two following paragraphs switched, without any demarcation mark from Shannon to Misty. I had to stop, go back, and reread this area to understand that Shannon hadn't been the one to receive the flowers.
“Okay! Thanks, Chad. I owe you one,” said Shannon. He was grinning ear to ear. He had heard from his high school friends how lame their boyfriends were. He wasn’t going to be one of them. “Misty is going to be swept off her feet,” Shannon said to himself.
After breakfast the next morning, my roommates, Jama and Tracy, and I went to the Commons to watch some TV. While we were watching TV, a flower delivery was made. A few minutes later, we heard, “Misty Self, you have a delivery at the office.”
One way to correct this could be to put something like * * * centered in between the two paragraphs. That's what I do in some of my stories. However, you might have a better way.
In any case, I enjoyed your story, and good luck with the contest.
I thoroughly enjoyed your entry into today's Writer's Cramp contest. If I had read it before writing mine, I wouldn't have wasted my time. Your story is 100 percent better and should win hands down!
It's a delight to read such a well crafted story, and I thank you for that pleasure!
I wish you had proofread your article before posting it. Some examples that stand out are not capitalizing the pronoun I and spelling you as simply u. This might be okay in text talk, but just looks lazy in actual writing.
I disagree with many of your ideas. Let go over your premise that money is at fault with our society as stated in your following sentence:
Money is responsible for all the bad things happening in the world.
Does it have anything to do with sexual deviants preying on children? No!
Does it have anything to do with radical extremists murdering innocent people around the world? No!
Does it force people to stick needles in their arms to get high? No!
Next, another sentence doesn’t make much sense:
It deprives people of all the things they deserve - of education, home and food.
This makes absolutely no sense at all. Perhaps you mean the lack of it?
It’s an interesting article, and one that could inspire a thoughtful debate.
I hate money because it gives you recognition. People know you because you are rich, whereas a person should be known by his charecteristics.
You misspelled characteristics, by the way. Also, I sincerely doubt you would hate money if you had plenty of it. Money isn’t evil; it’s what people do with it that’s either good or bad.
I want a world free of money and full of love. Love, which tells people what to do and not make them do what they do not want to do.
Sorry, a lot of harm has been done in this day and age in the name of love. Whether misguided love of another human that inspiring murderous jealous rage or love of God in one of its various names causing blind and deadly obedience to religion, love has corrupted more people than the desire for money.
Again, I think your article could start a spirited debate if more people read it. Good luck and welcome to Writing.com!
Your piece was well written but rather short. Perhaps when you get more time and inspiration, you could expand on it. Why was the man not with his family? How did they die? What were those words he said to his daughter that he now regrets? Maybe you might add some dialogue between the man and the police officer to show his depth of horror in actual words.
In any case, it was a good start. I also want to welcome you to Writing.com and hope to read more of your stories in the future.
This great story with an interesting twist at the end reminds me of my younger days when I raced at midnight down deserted New England highways at 100 miles an hour. I would steer while my boy friend worked the pedals since I had no idea how to drive.
Thank goodness for a vigilant guardian angel, I didn't come to the same end as those at Break Neck Point.
I plan on reading more of your pieces, so keep on writing!.
I wish I could write as lovingly about Mum as you do about your mother. Roaming around the country as you did with her sounds like a joyful and exciting childhood, always wondering what would happen next, but knowing she would be there to keep you safe.
Thank you for sharing this with your readers. "Miles of Mom," I do like that title.
I thoroughly understand your nephew's fear of the monster in the toilet bowl. After chuckling at your very short piece, I became curious and Googled on toilet phobia.
You can tell your nephew he's not alone. Those in the United Kingdom, in particular, seem to also have this fear of toilets. According to one article, at least four million Britons are affected by toilet phobia. Not sure if it's about monsters in the toilet bowl, though.
I read this article with interest. Ever since posting my first story on Writing.com, I've included various links to my portfolio in email signature lines. When I post on an AOL message board or add a comment to a newsgroup or another writing site to which I belong, there goes another Writing.com link. The links are rotated so as to introduce people to different entries.
Online friends have dropped by my portfolio and found this site interesting enough to join for themselves. The biggest complaint, though, I've had from those who don't join is that Writing.com is too difficult a site to navigate.
I will think about some of your other suggestions. Sending out an invitation to visit Writing.com, however, to the 721 people in my PowerTools address books is frowned against on AOL. They tend to slap me on the wrist, accuse me of spamming, and make me grovel before they let me sign on again. Been there, done that!
When reading it, I was struck by the feeling of hopelessness in this piece. Being a usually upbeat and often emotionally shallow person myself, I had no idea what deep depression felt like and hope I never do.
Joyceanna, thank you for writing this and baring what must be painful emotions with us. Perhaps writing this has been cathartic enough so that you can continue to share your thoughts like this and more positive ones with us.
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