If it were presented in screenplay format, I might think—Sitcom.
The setting is Caveman community. Not Hunter-Gatherer clan, but an organized society. Replete with commerce, politics, communications and concepts not often associated with the accepted dogma of the prehistoric, Stone Age, cave dweller.
On occasion, this apparent dichotomy could draw my willing suspension of disbelief out of the cave, and I would find myself reminding myself that it was designed as tongue in cheek. Then, just as deftly, the narrative would cleverly pull me back into character. And once again I was hooked.
The tale isn’t entirely original (but then, what is). However, the spin of your delivery is altogether creative and the story is very well crafted and executed. And, the experience was immensely entertaining.
Overall, I found the adventure quite pleasurable and refreshing. Which, I assume, was the intent all along.
From my perspective, this plays more like a dream than a story. A dream I vaguely recall having experienced myself.
Not that I know this tale. Rather, that I seem to remember, during a dream that is slowly but inexorably receding into fog, having in some way been temporarily flipped out of this existence into some other. Met with strangers that weren’t strangers. Others that knew me, and were gauging and recording responses. And, guiding me back to somewhere more familiar.
Perhaps this is an innate thing? Something shared in our fractal DNA?
Anyway: I really liked this narrative. As stated above, it touched something within myself. A remembering.
The plot flows evenly. The scenery is realistic. The protagonist is believable. The resolution, a learning.
Looking forward to sampling more of your offerings.
So, I take it this poem is penned from the perspective of the shadow. With that in mind:
The shadow seems … lonely. There is no one or anything in the world except the object of the shadow’s attachment—over which the shadow has no control: No friends; no playmates; no one in whom to confide secrets, or ask for help, or simply feel comforted. No identity of his/her/its own. Not even the being that hosts the shadow pays much, if any, attention.
Yet, a shadow is not invisible—as long as there is light. And, shadow’s can certainly be playful in their casting. And, everything casts a shadow, when the light is right—so s/he/it is never really alone.
Question: Why is the protagonist so sad?
This is well written. It conveys a great deal of emotion.
One nit: I think over head is one word—overhead.
Well, two nits actually. The line, “over head of me,” feels awkward. Like it wants to be “over my head” or something. But, that does not fit the rhyme scheme. I have no suggestions, just an opinion. Perhaps it is okay the way it is.
Otherwise, this is great. I will definitely read more.
This is well written. The meaning is clear. It maintains rhythm throughout. Evokes emotions. Asks for forgiveness.
There is only one question: If the character knows s/he is behaving inconsiderately, why doesn’t s/he remedy the situation rather than attempting to excuse?
This was (I want to say fun, but it’s a sad subject) a good read. It doled out information in bits and pieces—in good mystery form. I did not see the end coming. In fact, I was surprised when the drunk called Ellie by her name.
Then I was (I don’t know the correct word to describe my feelings), well … the last few lines got me.
Ah … nothin’ like a lil’ mornin’ voodoo to get the juices flowin’.
This is a cool story: Just light enough that it is not too much to swallow. Just different enough to keep one on one’s toes throughout. A lesson: Truth, withheld, can indeed hurt; or, never take a beautiful woman (or ones earthly gifts) for granted.
Thank you for this. Much better than coffee to open the sleepy eyes …
I love this. It has everything: Beginning, middle, end. Boss characters. Cool settings. Humor. Racism. Sexism. Ambition. Politics. The Con and the Conned. The promise. The lie. The protagonist having all her wishes granted. But with blinders. And a price …
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