For this review, you asked me to focus on sense and believability.
The title makes sense and the story is full of heavy and intricate details.
The character of Ragnas didn't jump out of the page for me and his purpose isn't clear (or why does he automatically think he has to kill Brother?).
The characters and places pretty much just jump out of nowhere without any introduction, feeling as though you are keeping the story going on by introducing more characters and twisting the plot until it doesn't even have a definite beginning, middle and end.
The tone of the writing feels a little too neutral for the story. Maybe some adjective could be replaced with thicker word, in pronunciation and meaning.
Brother stepped into the room and placed it upon his work bench, turning up the wick slightly to let himself a little more light. What is it?
But it was not just anyone who happened to see this young man; it was a knight named Ragnas Rolandt. I would use a comma.
This was done, he was just walking over to the grinding wheel with sword in hand, when he heard a crash from behind him. How about this "When he was done,and walking over to the grinding wheel with the sword in hand, he heard a crash from behind him"?
Lastly, you used he WAY too much. Maybe you could replace he with the actual names or a nickname or their occupation (ex. the young warrior...).
OVERALL: Definitely has potential, but the characters need some work.
This is a great charity idea and I think it has a lot of potential to become one of those must-join groups. Not the most original idea, but an original title and theme (which remained consistent, as I can tell from the titles of the forums). My only suggestion is that you set up a survey instead of a forum for registration so you can tell if the new member is joining the group either more for help or a chance to encourage others; might help organize the group.
Very descriptive adjectives, but not clear enough. What???? What do lovers, leaves, and life-stealing time have in common and how are they connected? there were no spelling mistakes, which is a good thing I guess. Keep writing. I've reviewed a lot of your other pieces, and you write great haiku.
I enjoyed answering this poll, but I was wondering what the roots of it where. I subscribe to the Poetry newsletter, and found it that way, but what helped you come up with the idea of reading aloud as your next topic? I'm really curious and would just like to know.
This is definatly a unique piece of writing. FIrst, should the last line stay as one line and the capital letter was a mistake OR is it supposed to be 2 lines? Also, I'm not sure whether you had a specific rhythm pattern when you wrote this or not. If you did, then I think it needs some nip and tuck. If you didn't have one in mind, then I think it's pretty good. However, I LOVE your rhyme scheme, VERY original!
This review is being done as part of "Invalid Item"
I think this is a great idea and an even better incentive to get Newbies and other members that aren't Writing ML geniuses to use Writing ML, but how is copying some codes and getting a review going to help? Also, I don't completely get the point of the copying of the codes is if the GPs are given to the best items. I would really appreciate some clarification.
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These lyrics were beautifully written and send a strong message. I can agree with you that many wars are fought for reasons that we know aren't the REAL reasons. The only problems I found were all in the second verse. Up until that point and after it there a few minor disturbances in the rhythm, but in this specific verse, I would recommend looking over it and trimming some fat (useless words) or replace multi-syllabic words with monosyllabic words that can keep the meaning. Keep writing!!
This review is being done as part of "Invalid Item"
Though this poem used very descriptive adjectives, clever metaphors, and imaginative imagery it fell short with the mechanics. There was a spelling mistake in the first line (The screetch screech) and there was no punctuation at all. My main suggestion is to add some commas and end certain thought with a period, inlcuding the very last line. Keep writing. I can tell you have a lot of potential.
This review is being done as part of "Invalid Item"
This was a humorous poem indeed (so much that I suggest you add a genre to the genres listed as humor or funny). Whuile I was reading I found that you did stay true to the rhyme scheme except in this stanza: Then one day soon as she drank some tea
from her grandmother's teacup out on the swing
the postman delivered a letter for him
from her attorney, Gentleman Jim
To keep the flow, well flowing, I would edit that stanza to fit the rhyme scheme established in the previous and following stanzas. Keep writing!!
Wow! If I was your english teacher, I would give you an A+ for effort. This is an interesting subject matter and I'm wondering what made you think of it. Sometimes I have weird moments, usually before I fall asleep and after I wake up, when I think of philosophy-like issues like that and come up with fascinating observations. This is really a great piece. Welcome to the site and I hope you keep writing. From this piece I can tell you see the world in a very unique way.
First I want to point out something great about this contest: it is very original. I haven't seen a contest on this site ONLY for humor stories. Now to the not-so-great aspect of this: This contest's description has no Writing ML at all, brief and not completely clear rules, no deadline, and everything is mushed together and very confusing. My suggestions are to fix everything named above. I believe this contest has a lot of potential and I would be happy to re-rate and re-review this in an email after any if all changes are made.
These haiku were written in perfect alliance with the requirement of syllables per line. Alsop. all of them have to do with a fleeting moment in nature, which is the main focus of traditional haiku (something thgat's actually important that my English teacher taught us). I gave you this rating because I think haiku could be replaced with mor emotion haiku or rewritten top hit some sort of nerve that would trigger some reaction, not just "Nice adjectives!" Keep on writing!!
This haiku was written in perfect accordance with the appropriate requirements. The syllable pattern was perfect and you captured the fleeting moment stunningly. This poem really affected me because my father's father died at a very young age, before my parents had even met each other, and for that I will never meet him. Keep writing, this is AMAZING work!
This review was beautifully written using appropriate sophisticated language, which suits the novel. I have read this book and I agree with you on most levels. My only suggestion follows: I think the first (or just at least one) genre should be Opinion because though this is a review you are still giving your opinion of the book, author, and setting of the basic story.
Flow: I think this subject would have been protrayed better if there was any sort of a rhyme scheme.
Mechanics: No spelling or grammar problems I can find. This is a poem so the puctuation standard is looser than usual, but I didn't find any punctuation errors.
What I Liked: Very descriptive! Excellent use of imagery and personification.
What I Didn't Like: I don't really understand the story. Have the people met or not? And what does "In your summer and my spring, we chanced beside a flower
and became old friends, just met." mean? It seems like a sentence of only contradictions.
Overall: Could use a rhyme scheme and maybe a little more action.
This is very well written, but these is something I would like to point out. Well, first of all, I'm pro-choice, so I don't agree with you at all. But, on the other hand, you write, "If women had transparent stomachs would they be so quick to condemn the growing child to death? The development of the child in the womb is nothing short of a miracle." This is an incorrect statement. A fetus is not nourished in the stomach, it grows in the uterus. If you want to convince someone to join your side of a cause, you should at least have your facts straight! Also, you repeat the same thing over and over again; it gets very redundant. I believe that if a woman is not allowed to determine what ahppens to her body, that civilization would crubble. Think of that, please.
This was written very well, and I can tell it took a long time to complete and revise. I loved your word choice.
EXAMPLES:
Stanza 1- flecked
Stanza 2- beguile
Stanza 5- living dead
Though I think you used an abused, almost cliche-like rhyme scheme, your rhythm was very consistant, and fit the poem. I was hoping you could email me back, and tell me what your inspiration was for this poem.
Overall, it is a very well written and well thought-out piece. Bravo!!!
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