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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jupiter1
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8 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Discomfort  Open in new Window.
Review by Athena Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I laughed so hard (sorry?) my husband had to ask me what was so funny.

You have one typo run-on sentence, though.

" I walked in through the double glass doors and made my way to the elevator, a pretty nurse stepped in with me and eyed the keypad."

(not a big deal, I just noticed it and thought you might want to know.)

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Review of GANGRENE  Open in new Window.
Review by Athena Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! The tone of the character's "voice" takes a minute to adapt to, but it "works" extremely well after that. You can almost see the guy nervously wringing his hands and anxiously looking over his shoulder every few minutes. Very well done, indeed.
I'm still not exactly sure what happened, though, other than that he's crazy, a stalker, and killed some guy with a frying pan. And now he's in an institution for the criminally insane. That might be your intention, though. It seems his doctor has tried to figure it out a few times and has been left wondering, too. The dude is just too crazy to understand?

Oh, and is this a typo?

"What was the dog’s name? I had been rattling off so many lies that it was only natural to say that she was beautiful. He no sooner swallowed his coffee to say she wasn’t. She knew it. Seemed joyful about it. Like he only kept her around because she was ugly."

She, the dog, knew she was ugly, or he [did you mean to make that a he?], the guy, knew that the dog was hideous?
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Review of A Punishment Due  Open in new Window.
Review by Athena Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is really good! I especially like how this :

" ‘Take one life that is not your direct target, and you shall give your own life in return.’ He’d written those words in blood ink.
Signing in his own blood, Harley Lucass had sworn to himself that he would never come to the very moment he was in now. Evidently, the promise of an assassin was worth nothing more than a promise from a dead man. "

Very clever way of revealing what, exactly, is going on.

My only suggestion (take it or leave it) has to do with this line:
"... and swimming into his system."

I personally think it might make for a more climactic ending if a euphemism wasn't used there. JMO, tho.

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