\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/just_a_new_me
Review Requests: OFF
76 Public Reviews Given
91 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I point out a few good things, moving on to the flaws and then the overall reading experience. The review may or may not be long, it depends on the piece.
I'm good at...
Grammar, judging flow
Favorite Genres
Essays, short stories (mysteries, crime, romances sometimes, reflectional). I love dark writing. Erotic as also welcome.
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, fantasy and any other fantastical lands you can think of.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, essays. I will try to review poems, but I am more adept at reviewing other forms of writing.
Least Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction (of the extremely short kind like <500) interactive stories.
I will not review...
Sci-fi items, fantasy and flash fiction (<500 words)
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey calcifer,

I was just doing random reviews when your poem popped up and I decided to review.

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*Premise:

The poem is about getting over a guy who mistreated a friend. I like the form it is written in, as a monologue. It helps get the message across. I also liked the idea you chose, a feminist approach to grief. We see such stuff happening all around us and yet no one seems to learn from it and repeat the same thing, over and over again. I think your thoughts did justice to the cause you were trying to promote.

*Flag*Analysis:(11 quatrains, inconsistent rhyme)

I cannot understand why you have chosen to rhyme certain stanzas while not following the scheme in the rest. In the opening stanza and the fourth stanza, you have followed the 'abab' scheme but not in the second and third. I believe that if you start off with a scheme, you should follow through with it in the entire poem.

Another point that put me off was the absence of apostrophes in "im", "cant","dont". I am a bit of a grammar Nazi *Blush*, so it really irritated me and took me away from the poem for a bit. 'w/o' abbreviation is also a bit un-poetic, so to speak. I do not mean to be harsh, this is just my style of reviewing.

I did not understand the use of the word "overtakes" in the opening line. How does silence overtake someone? Please explain it to me, if you don't mind? You also used "thyself" in the second stanza, which struck me as odd since the rest of the poem is not in Old English. So I would suggest not using that too.

I think the no-capitalisation worked for this poem, though, in my opinion, the 'I's can be capitalised. But then, it's your poem, do what you feel. I thought the flow was excellent and the punctuation, barring a couple of places, was satisfactory. No spelling errors were noted.

*Flag*Favourite Lines:

weak and fragile they may seem,
they are the spark to every man's dream...


*Flag*Final Word: As I said earlier, I like your idea a lot but the poem does need polishing. If you do decide to edit it later, feel free to approach me for a review if you want. Take everything said here as suggestions to a writer from another.

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Susan and do say hello to your granddaughter too,

A nudge from Elle - on hiatus Author IconMail Icon brought me to this item and I thank her for that.

When I attempted haiku for the first time (a few months ago), I found it very tough. But I was pleasantly surprised by how well your granddaughter has executed this form at such a young age. I especially liked the second haiku about the beauty of nature in each season. The fact that she appreciates such things at her age is quite remarkable. Even the technical aspects (syllable count, no punctuation, etc) were perfect.

About the poem, "At the Creek", I liked its rhythm and the use of playful language. It is very well written. I think she has a good future ahead if she pursues writing.

-Jack
"Superpower Reviewers HUB" Open in new Window.
3
3
Review of Tragedy for Two  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Mike,

I was browsing around in the 'Dark' genre when I found your poem and decided to review it. A very well written piece!!*Star*

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*First Impression: My interest was piqued by your well chosen title and introduction. It was indeed a very sad story about the consequences of suicide. While I do not believe that suicide is a cowardly act, in this case I am forced to reflect on my opinion. Your piece was really thought provoking.

*Flag*Analysis: You followed the rhyme scheme well. Barring a few places highlighted below, the flow was good too. I was uncertain about your uneven stanza lengths. The story was sad but told with great skill. It was quite evocative and certainly touched some nerves. While I doubt the fact that a little girl would be so clear headed after seeing the corpse of her father, I understand the message you were trying to put forth. Suicide is often classified as a selfish act and in this case, I can see why. It is a very serious step that no one takes lightly, the human body is built to survive. One thing I would've liked to see was punctuation at the end of lines. It adds to how a poem is read inside one's head.

*Flag*Suggestions: I did have a couple of things to point out-

1)Your third line
Half an hour, time that he spent every night
seems like an odd construct to me. It just didn't sit well with me. Disturbed the flow for me.

2)In this line
He was a single father who's wife had died
use "whose" instead of "who's".

3)In this line
Except the little girl in the bed who he did so adore
use "whom" instead of "who"


*Flag*Final thoughts: Overall, a very good poem with a good theme and story. It makes me want to delve further into your portfolio. Keep the excellent work coming!


Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

An August review from *Starb* "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *Moon*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Bob,

I was looking through stuff in the Fashion genre to review for a challenge when I found this item. It was quite an interesting take on hosiery(never thought I'd be saying that!) I think you were going for humour and you definitely hit the nail on the head. I did not know about the history, so I learned something as well. Thanks for sharing.

One thing I didn't understand was the word "overservations". Is it a word or a play on words? What does it mean?

Jack
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
5
5
Review of Adequacy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey airenee,

I saw your poem in Recent Review Requests and I thought I should stop by. Very good work! *Star*

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*Title and First Impression:
Your title is well-chosen and appropriate to the subject at hand. I was drawn in to read the poem by your introduction, so that is a good thing. I found your poem easy to relate too and it evoked feelings of empathy and sympathy in me.

*Flag*Analysis:
(Free verse, 21 lines)
An important factor in evoking emotions in a reader is the use of appropriate vocabulary. Your use of simple words is quite effective here. You have touched on an interesting topic, a state which people often go through, especially in their youth. They struggle with the formation of self-image, looking for help from other sources like friends, family or tv when they really should be looking inside. I really liked the message of your poem.

Coming to the part I didn't like, one mistake that many poets make-in this era of auto-capitalising word processors- is capitalising the first letter of each line which completely takes away the emphatic power of the capital letter. When you write an enjambed sentence (a sentence that flows into the next line), you needn't capitalise the first letter. I think you should do an edit and see where capitalisation is actually needed.

Another thing I noticed:

Who is the voice you’ll listen to?

A voice is not a person. So you should use "whose" instead of "who".


*Flag*Final Comments: I really liked your poem, it was short, decisive and it got the point through. Just needs a bit more refining. It makes me want to explore your portfolio further, so good job. *ThumbsUp*

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Sinful  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey amagrah,

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


I thought I'd review a newbie when I came across your poem. Good work!*Star*

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*First thoughts:
I liked the idea of the mask falling(I wrote a poem similar to this last year). My interest was piqued by your title and introduction. At first glance, I was impressed by your phrasing. Using the right word at the right place is imperative and I think you did it well.

*Flag*Analysis:
Three quatrains with aabb rhyme scheme
You followed the rhyme scheme well. I also liked the fact that you didn't capitalise the first letter of enjambed sentences. I liked the tone of your poem. The flow is something you can work on, especially in the first stanza. The last line somehow puts me off. One suggestion I can give you (which someone on WDC told me about) is to do a cold read of your poem. Just go to someone and tell them to read the poem in one single tone and hear them. You will learn about flow from your sense of hearing.

Another bone I'd like to pick is that I'd like to know more about the "sins" of the protagonist. This is just my instinct, you should judge for yourself if the poem needs it or not,
I didn't notice any grammatical errors but some commas are in the wrong place. You may find this page helpful:

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02...

*Flag*Favourite Lines:

How you long to show your soul,
empty and dark as blackened coal.

I liked that simile a lot.


*Flag*Overall Impression:
I liked your poem and I think you just need some refining to better the poem. You have potential, I'd like to read more of your work.

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack
Check this out: "Invalid Item"  Open in new Window. by A Guest Visitor
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Stuck...  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Jilu,

Nice to see you after so long. I saw your name and I thought I'd drop by.

You succeeded in getting a chuckle out of me, so you must be good! *Laugh* I see this is your first attempt at comedy and keeping that in mind, you did a good job. The form of rhyming couplets was effective in setting up the humor. I am pretty sure that anyone who had worked and had a strict boss(read everyone) can empathise and hope for such a day. The poem had decent flow and I didn't notice any problems with grammar. I do not have any suggestions that I can think of right now. *Thumbsup*

Keep writing*Smile* ,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Review of Hunger Hurts  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hey Eliacie,

I was reviewing some Power Reviewers when I came across your port. Wonderful Story! *Star*

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*First Impression: I loved the quote you have used as a beginning. Very cool!

I liked your title and introduction. It made me want to read your story. Coming to the story itself, I loved the twist in the end. I didn't realise what was going on as you quashed all the stereotypes that one would think of. I hadn't read the genres you had used as tags so I wasn't expecting the supernatural. It was a nice take on the supernatural as it was almost "unsupernatural". I usually don't like that genre but this story was indeed a gem.

*Flag*Plot and Character Development: As I mentioned above, I liked the plot. Nice new angle to the depth of sisterhood! I liked the description of Nina, as I always like to have a picture in my head while reading. You described the last scene well and I think you have a knack for describing stuff. Keep it up!

The story flowed along nicely and always kept me, as a reader, on my toes.

*Flag*Grammar: I did notice the following things

->‘this has to.... Capitalisation error.
->Weekends we filled our bags with food... I think there should be "on" in the beginning.
->Im hungry, Ainsley Missing apostrophe.

Another thing I noticed was that you used fragments of sentences where you could've used commas. I have highlighted this in point 2 below.

*Flag*Suggestions: While it was an excellent story, I do have two suggestions for you,

1) Try to avoid beginning sentences with prepositions. While this is acceptable in colloquial conversations or informal writing, it is generally frowned upon in writing. Here are examples where you did this:

Point 1 ▼

2) Another thing it avoid is use of fragments of sentences.

Point 2 ▼

The use of proper punctuation eliminates these fragments by integrating them in the sentences around them. For example, the last point in the above list can be written as "Something in Sarah's voice made me sick, nauseous and scared".

For reference, check out this link: http://www.english-online.org.uk/adv7/punc1a7.htm

Overall, I liked the story but it can be polished more. I'd like to read more of your work, I think.

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Cori,

I just saw the item type Campfires and I was intrigued. Yours was the first one I read and I loved the idea! I have a list of my favourite quotes too and that list is going to get longer as I found some good ones here. I read many but not all and would love to come back.

Keep up the good work,

Jack
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Review of Tiredness  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Carly,

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This review is a part of the package gifted to you by Darleen.

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

I believe this is the first time I have reviewed or read something written by you. I liked this poem a lot. Free verse gives the poet a lot of freedom (and room to mess up!) but I think you used it very well to your advantage. While the topic you chose or were given was not new, I liked this way of presenting it. Your deliberate abstinence from punctuation also worked I think.

Let's talk about the various parts of the poem:

*Flag*point 1- I liked the first simile you used "like a heavy cloak". It was appropriate and interesting. However, the second one "like a freight train" disturbs the flow of the poem for me somewhat. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the idea, I just felt it was not the right place. Thus, these lines

It bears down on me like a freight train
Leaving me flattened and spent.

can be called my least favorite part of the poem even though they are perfectly relevant to the central idea.


*Flag*point 2- however, the lines that followed these immediately (I climbed.....back) were my favorite because I like the idea of night counter punching the day's work(here tiredness). The day is usually the proverbial "good guy" but here it is the night that soothes.


*Flag*Final Thoughts- I liked your writing. The poem worked for me and it makes me want to read more of your work. One non-writing related suggestion- try to tell readers about the poem in the introduction rather than which activity it was written for. One should be drawn to read a poem by reading the introduction.



Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Poetry Terms  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey Joy,

This is the first quiz that I have seen on this website. What a concept! I did not do too well to be honest*Blush*!

The questions were pertinent to the well chosen topic and quite eclectic. The examples were very good and even encouraged me to check out some of the poems you highlighted. Literary devices are very important for a deep understanding of poems and I was glad I found this quiz. How else would I know that Apostrophe is a poetic device?!

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hey Ken,

I am here to review your story for the Electric Package gifted to you by Darleen. This is the first time I have read something written by you and I am impressed! Proceeding to the review:


*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*PLOT: I liked the setting for your story and how you managed to tell it given the word constraint imposed. It worked as a humorous and amusing story as you intended it to. I ended up feeling a bit sorry for the husband but I can totally understand the frustration of JoAnne. The wordplay with "the coast is clear" was a nice idea.

*Flag*CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: Given the fact that you were on a short leash as far as words go, you did a good job of fleshing out the characters of both the husband and the wife. I liked the contrast in the character of JoAnne, her wanting to be a bit naughty and inviting a boyfriend over her loyalty to her husband who just refuses to put out. The fixed schedule detail was a good one to set up his character.

*Flag*SUGGESTIONS AND ERRORS: There was just one misspelling I found(reckon which you have spelled as "rekon"). Other than that, I do not have any suggestions to offer. I enjoyed reading your story.

I will definitely stop by your portfolio sometime later seeing the numerous awards that you have been given. I am eager to read more and be blown away, especially the Dark works folder.

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This review is a part of the Lightening package gifted to you anonymously. Before proceeding with the review, I'd like to remind you that this is just my opinion and you are free to ignore it.

----I liked how you wrote the central character Annie. I could easily empathise with her, having been in a similar plight in school and beginning of college.

----I did not like how you divided your work into paragraphs. Very short paragraphs distract me. For example:

example1 ▼

These two small paragraphs can be clubbed into a larger but still cohesive paragraph because you are essentially talking about the same demon image here.

----Refrain from use of or clarify the abbreviations you use in a story (referring to NRI here, had to Google it).

----I liked the humorous element in the story. The behavioural science joke was a good one. It helps to flesh out the character, the awkwardness, sarcasm and the hunger for company.

----While fragments of sentences are deemed acceptable in conversations, in writing they are usually frowned upon. Try to weed some of these out using commas.

example 2 ▼

example 3 ▼

----Here are some errors that you can easily correct:

->Sitting in my bench= wrong preposition. Consider "on"
->And both of them burst laughing. = burst [out] laughing
->future best friend who she had met less= [whom] she had met
->It's like a huge vaccum gap,= No need for the word "gap" here.
->It was as if I was as invisible as air.= When describing imaginary scenarios, use [were] not [was]. For example-" If I were the president of USA"

----Parts I liked: This is a list of parts I liked.
List ▼

OVERALL IMPRESSION: There is potential but you need more polishing, more practice. You should look to improve punctuation and simply, story structure. The paragraph point is very important. I was touched by this story so I would like to read more of your work.

Keep Writing*Smile*,

Jack

-----------A WDC POWER REVIEWER---------

"Superpower Reviewers HUB" Open in new Window.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of The Memories  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hey Shana,

This review is a part of the Electric package gifted to you by A E Willcox. Before I proceed, please do note that this is just my opinion, ignore it if you don't like it.

--This is the first time I am reading something written by you. I was pulled to this piece by your introduction which is important because a good first impression counts.

--I like reading dark poetry. I liked the attention to proper punctuation.

--The most important function of a poem is to communicate emotions. I felt what you were trying to tell me. You touched me through your words.

--Many a times, people capitalise the first letter when beginning a new line without realising that if an enjambed sentence flows into the next line, you should begin with a small letter. I was very happy to see that you paid attention to this.

--The title is relevant albeit commonplace.

--Instead of:
They have found a way to tear at my heart.
A way to enter my mind.


consider:
They have found a way to tear at my heart,
a way to enter my mind.

-- I think in the end, I somehow wanted more. I wanted the poem to continue, tell me more.

--Favourite lines:
I am not afraid of them,
I am terrified of them.


That's it I suppose. I hope to stop by again and read more of your work.

Keep Writing, *Smile*

Jack

---------A POWER REVIEWER----------

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Duane,

I reached your story through Random Reviews and I must say I am glad I did. I believe it is the first time I have read your work. Please do note that the following is just my personal opinion and I do not intend to offend you in any way.

-I do not read the Horror genre often but your description pulled me in. The rest of the work was done by the story which didn't let me go. I was really impressed.

-The character of Corrine was well written. I liked how you wrote about her physical appearance.

-The story has many parts of a classic horror story but your introduction of small kinks like the storm drains was interesting. It breathed new life into the story.

-The father daughter bond(if I can call it that) was also a nice touch.

-I also liked the description of the weeping willow. Quite vivid. It reminded me of a Pink Floyd song, "Julia Dream". Coincidentally, that has an eerie track too. Right tree for this kind of story I guess.

-Avoid using fragments of sentences, instead work on your punctuation. One example I can quote here is

"So dark you could see stars just about everywhere. A perfect night to hide, a perfect night not to be seen."

-"some kind of something" is quite an odd construct. Consider rephrasing.

-"Corrine without stories scared us." Again, seems odd. Consider rephrasing.

-My favourite part was when Corrine describes the dance of the ghost/spirit to the other kids.

Overall, I liked the story and hope that you find this review helpful. I'd like to read more of your work.

Keep Writing ;)

Jack

------------WDC POWER REVIEWER------------

"Superpower Reviewers HUB" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review of A Love So Divine  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey Tim Chiu,

This is the first time I am reading your work and I am impressed. Please do note that what I say below is my personal opinion and not meant to offend you. I hope you find it helpful.

-I would've liked a few more details about the speaker's beloved. What did she look like? What was her voice like? Simply using the "Asian" stereotype doesn't do it for me.

-I liked the part about the meal, how unassuming she is projected to be. Adds a nice tenderness to her character.

-Good to see attention to punctuation.

-I do not see the purpose of the last line "one more time". It seems to upset the otherwise well flowing poem.

That's about it. I would like to read more from you after this romantic tidbit.

Keep Writing ;)

--------WDC POWER REVIEWER---------

"Superpower Reviewers HUB" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review of My Everything  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Zoe,

*Shield3*THIS IS YOUR:*Shield3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Thank you for participating in Round 1.

*Radioactive*The following review is just my opinion. Please ignore it if you don't like it.*Radioactive*

*Glasses*Title: While the title isn't as appealing, I was ready to not pick on that because of the subject matter of your poem. It really reflects your feelings very well.*Star*

*Glasses*Structure or Form: The rhyme scheme of ABCB has been followed correctly in the poem. The syllable count of all lines, except the first line of stanza 2, was six.

*Glasses*Flow or Rhythm: Due to the adherence to the rhyme and syllabic count, the flow didn't seem off at any point.

*Glasses*Impact: I had a smile on my face when I finished reading the poem once. The vocabulary used is quite simple, perhaps a drawback that can be easily fixed. However, I could feel the emotion dripping from the screen*Laugh*. Nice work*Bigsmile*.

*Glasses*Suggestion: Work on your punctuation. The triple comma followed by the period approach didn't sit well.

Also, this line "She is the scene I see" didn't sound nice to mee. Perhaps consider an alternate word in place of 'scene'.

*Glasses*Favorite Lines:

She is the touch I feel,
And the lips that I kiss,
She is the scene I see,
And the person I miss.

*Glasses*Final Comments: A very nice piece that could do with a bit of polishing. Hope to see you there for Round 2.

Keep Writing*Smile*,
Jack
[#1300305] "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.
18
18
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Fran,

You were below me in the "I write in..." contest so here I am to review your story!


*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

Flash fiction is not my favorite genre but this story held my attention and didn't seem incomplete. It brought a smile to my face and it seems that was your intention so good job!

The prompt(s) was difficult but you handled it well. You incorporated the legend well, without changing it much while introducing a well thought out plot. The vocabulary and tone was proper I did note the following things.

*Flag*Suggestions:

i)Long sentences:
He also resolved that in future years he would moderate his alcoholic in take, as on reflection the third bottle of cherry was the catalyst to his downfall.

Again, in some senses prison had proved a merciful escape, St Nick spared further blushes to his rosy cheeks caused by the numerous tabloid exposes of his festive antics.


Long winding sentences often end up confusing the reader but also cause writers to make mistakes (as is the case here). Consider rephrasing these.

ii)Subject-verb agreement:
One of the benefits of his current situation were the insights he was able to lean from the prison alcohol awareness group.

When a sentence begins with 'one of the....', the subject is singular so instead of 'were', consider 'was' here.

iii)Punctuation: Comma errors:

- He also resolved that in future years, he would moderate his alcoholic...

- Feeling increasingly ancient in his new prison environment,he had much time to reflect on the errors of his ways.

- He was also grateful for the regular updates on events in Lapland from Mrs Claus...comma not needed

iv)Other errors:

-Spelling error: his alcoholic intake(one word)

-Word not needed: was sufficient to compensate for his own lack of vision...(Marked word not required)

-Rephrase: Two cases.Consider the alternatives I've mentioned here:

a)He was also grateful for the regular updates on events in Lapland from Mrs Claus, though he longed for his swift return so that he could resume the supervision of toy production.

b) ...and henceforth, people of the world would be leaving out a non-alcoholic beverage for Father Christmas.


*Flag*Final Comments: A nice story. Just needs more careful editing. Thanks for posting it. If you want to me review any other stories, I'd be happy to!

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review of Dark Scribe  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Sisco (love the handle),

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

I have read your work before but for some reason never gotten around to reviewing it. I like reading dark poems and stories so I was instantly drawn to this folder. Nice work here!*Star*


*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*Title: Was engaging. This is what led me to reading this poem first in your port.

*Flag*Rhyme: You have followed the mentioned AABB scheme perfectly.

*Flag*Parts I liked: I like the first stanza especially. It sets the scene for the rest of the poem well. I also liked the last two lines. Writing being an escape from the world is a theme that has been explored quite often but I liked your way of saying it.

"my Saviour-my pen." was my favorite line/phrase.

*Flag*Parts I didn't like: I did not like the beginning of the third stanza. The line "A mistake, a wrong, or really bad..." completely threw me off. It doesn't flow as well as the others, disturbing the rhythm for me.

Another line I didn't particularly like was the second line of the of the penultimate stanza. "You couldn't imagine how bad mine..." Again, this, for me, disrupted the flow somewhat, just reading it out loud. The "...mine are for me" part is the culprit for me.

*Flag*Question: I had a question about the third line of the fourth stanza("Reality is a mistress of faith.") Please correct me if I got it wrong, but are you trying to say that fate determines what happens to us in life? Is my interpretation correct?

*Flag*Grammar and Punctuation: Your grammar was fine but I am not too sure about the period or full stop approach at certain points. For example:

Someone save me before it’s too late.

This statement is a very emotional one and perhaps an exclamation point at the end if it would be more suitable.

Also here:

I gather my thoughts as I sit in my den.
Then put them...

After den, a comma would be more appropriate.

*Flag*Suggestions and Final comments: The poem was nice but after reading it, I found myself somewhat disappointed because of cliches. I understand that this genre has been thoroughly squeezed and it is difficult to innovate in its confines but cliche drives readers away. Your principal idea of a depressed person finding solace in writing while touching, has been written about so often it has lost some of its charm. Your talent is obvious so I hope to read more from you in future.

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
Review of My Dark Angel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hey Moonbeam,

This is my first review of an erotica so please bear with me! I was looking for some stories of the 'Fantasy' genre when I chanced upon yours. Here are some of my thoughts:

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

I feel writing an erotic piece gives you more leeway. Though a plot is usually present, the most important characteristic of eroticas is creating a feeling in a reader. Yet, the general rules of writing still apply.

So let's start. Plot-yes, present. Character development- not present, but also, not needed. This is where erotic literature gives one a bit more freedom. I liked the vampire element of your story, even though this world has had enough of vampire-mania (courtesy Miss Meyer). I liked that your vampire character was masculine, almost dominating. I liked the willingness of the female character, how lust overpowered her! Another thing I liked was that you didn't give any names to characters. This technique is seldom used but quite potent.

The sensual element of the story was definitely present but was it stimulating enough? I am not quite sure. After I finished this story, I asked myself, "What sets this story apart from other eroticas?" I was unable to find an answer to this gnawing question. Was it the presence of a vampire? No, it was good element but has been done before. So what? These, according to me, were two drawbacks.

You used mostly accurate vocabulary. I must admit that my reading experience (and to a certain extent, stimulation) was marred by minor errors. They tend to drive a reader away sometimes. So here are a few of them for your reference, in case you want to revisit your story:

*Bullet*Spelling errors: Correct spellings are in red

->My heart began to race *wildy* as I took off running.wildly.
->cats knocking over a *trash can*.trashcan.
->I was *mezmorized*. mesmerized.
->He softly kissed my pulsing *vain*. vein.
->*sunkissed* face sun-kissed.(hyphen)
->...my neck and *stoped* between the valley... stopped.
->I can feel a *stong* sensation flow...Strong.
->...hand down my side and *grabed* my skirt.grabbed.
->I wish you *had'nt* done that!hadn't.
->The red glow from the moon lit up his *well chiseled* face.well-chiseled
->Then his body began to tremble *insinc* with mine.in sync.
->I barely had the *strengh* to...Strength.
->The pain was *unberable* and endless.unbearable.

*Bullet*Punctuational errors: Highlighted punctuation marks were missing:

->They looked like two bright emeralds glowing at me, but strangely*,* I was not scared anymore.
->"That*’*s it."I can see its long white teeth as it spoke.
->...neck and whispered*,* "You smell so...
->He asked*,* "You want me don't
->He held onto me tight as he said*,* "It will....
->You want me*,* don't you*?*

*Bullet*Other errors:

->The winds *whistles* through the trees. should be whistle
->*Then* I was quickly spun around and my Word not required.
->I can feel the lust build up inside of me. My body felt tingly all over. First sentence is in present tense, second in past tense. Choose one and stick to it throughout the story.
->I began to feel faint as he *raised* back up... Raised not the correct verb here. Instead consider 'rose'.
->I felt a wave of pain *coarse* through my...Homonyms error. Here, it should be 'course' not 'coarse',

Final Comments: You need practice. Write more, get it reviewed on this site or anywhere. Also, after writing, read your work and try to spot as many errors as you can. Also work on plot construction. You have used some good images in your story but you need much more work. I don't mean to be harsh, I just believe in giving my honest opinion. If you want me to review more of your work, I'd be happy to do so.



Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
for entry "The Sorceress's Curse" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey Jane,

My interest was piqued by your introduction and so I decided to review it. Here are my thoughts:

*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*Plot: Unfortunately, I found your plot somewhat hackneyed. The idea of an evil sorceress cursing a young maiden has been used before, this cannot be denied. You did try to take it in a different direction by showing a change-of-heart but it seemed abrupt. The forgiveness part also seemed rushed. It seemed that the story had more places to go to but you wanted to end it.

*Flag*Character development: I felt you didn't explore the characters of the sisters a lot. Things just happened to them, but I ended up asking myself, Who are they really? I know their ages, but what else? The love angle also seemed too sudden. It started out of nowhere and ended at the same place. The fact that the 'evil' sorceress, as she was built up to be, was actually kind and warm hearted seemed anticlimactic.

*Flag*Thing(s) I liked: The happy ending. I am a sucker for happy endings.

*Flag*Suggestions and Errors: There were numerous errors in the story which spoilt my reading experience. I have enlisted some of them below. Go through them carefully. Here they are:

*Right*Work on tenses. Some sentences are in present, while others are in past tense. Present tense works best when the story is written in first person.

*Right*Missing preposition: Thinking always leaves me *with* an unbearable thirstiness.

*Right*Subject-Verb agreement: Thinking always leaves me with an unbearable thirstiness. Since the subject is singular, you must use 'leaves'.

*Right*Rephrase this sentence: *Who am I the child of then?* as Whose child am I then?

*Right*Missing word: We cannot inflict ** our daughter because of a king’s child...It seems a word is missing at the marked space. I couldn't quite think what you wanted to say.

*Right*Laura, who was two years older than *I was*, carried the heavier knapsack.Consider the alternative I have mentioned.

*Right*Word choice/spelling: *ad this is my little sister Instead consider 'and'.

*Right*Word choice: I was not thinking correctly when I cast that curse.Instead consider 'rationally'

*Right*Was/Were: They recognized me and was going to pull..Instead use 'were'.

*Right*Rephrase: Then, they agreed in coming to the wedding, to apologize for what they had done...Instead consider this 'they agreed to come to the wedding..."

*Flag*Final Comments: This, frankly, needs a lot of work. Reread and edit. Try to come up with a plot twist to surprise readers because we love that! Work on your punctuations, they matter a lot. If you want anything reviewed, I'd be happy to help. I do not mean to be harsh, I am just giving you an honest opinion because I believe that with a little help, everyone can improve.

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Review of End of the world  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Aaron,

I chanced upon your piece to find an interesting tale! Good Work!*Wink*


*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

*Flag*First Impression: Your title may drive readers away. Gosh! not another tale about the apocalypse! But if some do start reading, I doubt they'll be disappointed because your take on post-apocalyptic world is not conventional. It is definitely worth a read!

*Flag*Plot/Story: There isn't a plot in your story if you take it the term 'plot' in a classical way. It is more akin to commentary rather than a classical tale with a hero, a villain or a conflict/resolution. But I don't like that way. Your story definitely had substance even though it lacked separate characters. I liked your writing style. You used appropriate vocabulary, but the most striking feature of your piece is described below.

*Flag*Things I liked: Imagery. I am big fan of imagery because I, as a reader, want to see, hear and feel what the people in the story are going through. You used mainly visual imagery so a tip for you would be to try and incorporate more types, for eg: describe sounds(audio imagery), what a substance feels like (tactile imagery).However, the imagery that you did use was indeed quite impactful.

I also liked the phrase 'infinite darkness' that you used.

I also appreciated the fact that you didn't shed more light on the 'crimes' you've mentioned. You've left them to the reader's imagination, which is an excellent ploy. It makes one think.

*Flag*Favorite Lines:

Around them echoed the noises of ruin and destruction, of their world being torn apart.

...unabated as untamed forces ripped the land to pieces.

Now, faced with their own imperfections, still they refused to accept them. For if, the human race has but one fault, it is its blindness to the atrocities which it commits.

*Flag*Errors/Suggestions: Before pointing out some minor errors that you might want to edit, I would like to suggest that you reread your work after writing. Go through it with a fine comb because small errors, even in small numbers, spoil the reading experience. Also, work on your punctuation. I know it seems like a small thing but it actually is an important part of writing as it changes the way a statement is interpreted.

Onto the errors:

*Right*Soon,* screams joined in with the sounds of the devastation. Missing comma.
*Right*...while the human race sat helpless, blind, and powerless.'and' missing. It should be added before the last element of a list.
*Right*...no *skyscapers...Spelling error. 'Skyscrapers'
*Right*No trace was left of the great cities*; no skyscrapers blotted the horizon. Here, a semi-colon will be more appropriate. Use a semi-colon whenever the two parts can be treated as separate sentences.
*Right*...the few survivors faced the wasteland which remained to them. Instead of the bolded word, consider, 'that'.

*Flag*Final Comments: I do see promise in you, but the need of the hour is practice and smoothing out the rough edges, so to speak. I am intrigued and I will definitely snoop around your port some more. I will be happy to review anything if you want me to.

Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review of Sword of Truth  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey,

I came to your story through 'Random Reads' and even though I am not a huge fan of short fiction, I was pleasantly surprised. Superb Work!*Star**Smile*


*Radioactive*The following review is my personal opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.*Radioactive*

The usual problem that I have with fiction of the short variety is that the plot construction is wayward just to ensure that everything can be said in a lesser number of words. In your case, it isn't so. The start is gripping. The imagery you have used is fantastic, it immediately catches one's eye. I think that might be your forte.

The main character, the herb woman is depicted as a guardian of an ancient sword, the Sword Of Truth. Though the concept in itself isn't novel, you have approached it an innovative way, which I liked. Her physical description as aging, wrinkled indicates that she has been performing her duty for quite some time. The fact that you were able to convey so much in few words is the most commendable fact. It wasn't hidden in some obscure corner, but was in plain sight, a feat rarely achieved in flash fiction.

Another thing that I would like to point out was use of good vocabulary. The right words used at the right places. The following are some of the lines that I especially liked:


A breeze turns a page of the faded book.

A frisky bit of wind picks up two or three thyme leaves, swirls them around, and lets them fall lazily onto a hand.


Though your story was generally free of grammatical errors, I did find a couple:

*Right*The leather-bound tome laid on the small table...Instead, consider 'lay'.
*Right*...a wooden bowl filled with weak venison stew slowly... 'weak' venison? Am I missing something here?

Overall, stellar work. Looking forward to reading more of your work.


Keep writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
24
24
Review of Reflections  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey,

I came across this poem on the 'Recent Review Requests' tab. I must confess, it was your handle 'Holden Caulfield' that drew me to your poem. I am glad that I decided to read. Holden used to be one of my favorite characters as well!

*Radioactive*The following review is just my opinion. Ignore if you don't like it.*Radioactive*

*Flag*Title: The title made me curious about the poem, so did your introduction. A plus there for you.

*Flag*Initial comments/reaction: I absolutely loved this poem. I liked your choice of words mostly, apt. The personification of 'The Shadows' was a nice touch. I could empathise with a number of things you have mentioned here, which is always a good thing. You have said many things in a short poem, which reminds me of Shakespeare's quote: Brevity is the soul of wit.

*Flag*Favorite Lines:

...Our thoughts contain an inner voice
That hesitates to make a choice
To choose a faith in fading light
To follow, follow, out of sight,
...

*Flag*Suggestions:
         - Just reread to check the punctuations again. There are a couple of places where a full stop should be there but isn't.
         - 'Our thoughts contain an inner voice' I can't think of a better word but 'contain' just doesn't fit here, if you ask me.

*Flag*Question: I did have one question to ask you. I don't think I understood your last line. 'For you are me and I am you.' Would you be kind enough to elaborate a little bit?

*Flag*Overall Comments: An excellent literary work. A well deserved 4/5 rating (Bear with me, I can be stingy sometimes!). Looking forward to reading more from you.

Keep Writing*Smile*,
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
25
25
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey Fran,

I decided to stop by your portfolio. I really liked this story even though flash fiction is my least favorite genre. This is one of the rare occasions where I broke my rule about not reading really short stories and I am glad I did.

*Radioactive*The following review is just my opinion. Ignore it if you don't like it.*Radioactive*

*Flag*Title: The importance of an inviting title is often understated. Even though you had a number of stories in your portfolio, this one drew me in because of it's title. Good job with that!

*Flag*Plot and Detail: The complaint that I usually have with flash fiction is that it lacks detail. Somehow, I didn't feel this way on reading this story. Sure you could have written a longer tale, added more depth, but the story doesn't feel incomplete. *Thumbsup* I liked your plot and the twist at the end.

*Flag*Grammar: It is heartening to see meticulous attention to correct grammar and punctuations. I couldn't find a flaw. Great job!

*Flag*Suggestions: None really! It is an excellent piece!

Please don't mind the 4.5/5 rating. I can be stingy sometimes!

Keep writing *Smile*
Jack

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
26 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/just_a_new_me