I'm laughing at your 'this was just an experiment, might have failed' because it's done just the opposite - it's very good. I gave it a 5 which is something I usually refrain from. A 5 from me means: I'll recommend it to my mother and think of it at times in the future. It, also, had original elements I never heard of before, and it was very insightful. I could tell this was a little difficult for you to write, but you pulled it off quite well.
The sense-deprivation which you use to explore this character is fascinating. What would you call something if you didn't know what it was? How would you make sense of something if someone tried to tell you about it, but it was a strange concept. It sort of reminded me of the movie 'Mask' (with Cher) - where the boy falls for the blind girl and he tries to let her 'feel' what 'red' and 'blue' is by putting a stone in hot water for red (etc).
Regarding tense-flux (where people go from past to present tense) I didn't notice any.
Your use of dialogue tags is good, as is your use of punctuation.
The end is sad - I teared up when I read it. You make a very good point, nothing lasts forever - so how long does death last?
The only thing not broached that I wondered about was the stone's interpretation of the story that Jacob told. What does the stone think it means?
I like it quite a bit. Her love of small things, that's intriguing - it makes me wonder what is going to come from that.
The very first line, I'm sure, you intended as a hail to classic fairy tales. As long as the rest of the piece takes on that same tone then you're okay.
Your use of punctuation is good, that was something I struggled with quite a bit when it came to dialogue.
"The usual flower dress" - what is this? Though there's probably a clear picture in your head, I'm unsure of what this might be. Might need more detail.
"a drab and strange young woman like Petila who never uttered a word." . . . in what way in Petila strange? In what way is Fern like Petila? If you answer this later in your story that's okay - but right off in the beginning it could be confusing. It seems to hint to the idea that we already know Petila, which we don't.
"80's style frames" - this is interesting. I formed an old rustic or 'small village outside of Paris in the 1700's' type mental picture with the fairy tale concept in the beginning and her love of flowers and small things. It honestly made me think of Mary Poppins - the flower lady who feeds the birds. How much does this need to be modern-day?
All in all - its cute and interesting. I like the 'light' feeling there is even though there's this darker tone to it as well.
Good luck :) It's one thing to develop a story idea and work on characters and often writing out the entire piece can be a personal struggle of dedication and personal faith in your own self.
I like your cadence and style - if someone's depressed they're not going to take the time to be grammatically correct and capitalize each line, etc. So that's good, it adds to the feel of it all.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jvans
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 2:01am on Dec 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
