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2,230 Public Reviews Given
2,555 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am meticulous about trying to give some useful pointers as feedback, if not about writing, at least about what I felt when I read the piece. I will not do line-by-line edits but will give examples of the typos or errors, if seen at all. I prefer not to read explicit details or abusive language although I will review anything asked, personal preference disregarded. My own forte is for writing short stories, observational humour. But if I review what is outside my capacity or comfort zone, I research the norms before commenting. I do not intend to hurt or denigrate, for I respect writing too much to do so. Nor do I feel I review except as fellow word-lover and writing-student. If I forget a commitment, feel free to knock on my door to remind me!
I'm good at...
... virtually nothing except honesty in attempt to be of help!
Favorite Genres
Comedy, Children's, Fantasy, Crime/Thriller, Romance ... as far as reading goes!
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica and Dark Dark stuff!
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Poetry at a pinch, but not from any ability as poet.
Least Favorite Item Types
Scripts, Essays, Others! What is an other? If you don't know, how can I tell?
I will not review...
GC and XGC stuff, 18+ is my limit I also have an aversion to slang, swear words, yucky stuff that does not push the story forward!
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Serial Killer  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ajay Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

*GingerBread* *Bell* *Holly1* Happy Holidays *Holly2* *Bell* *GingerBread*




*Flower5* What Drew Me In: Hi, Ajay. Just about a month old on site, huh? See, straight away there are two things that make me want to know you better. You are probably from my side of the world (I am from Mumbai - wherever in the world I reside, I am from Mumbai!) and you are sparkling new on site! I wish I were a newbie again, wandering this site with awe and wonder in my eyes - wait - I still do that sometimes! *Laugh* There's always something new and wonderful to make our site better and better! I hope you get as much out of it as I do - kinship with all sorts of writers, plenty of guidance in various forums and groups, friends whom I have met and liked, in real life, people with whom I correspond regularly. Have fun!

*Flower5* The General Impression: This is a short story, less than 250 words. Impressive, because it manages most of the requirements within that strict word limit. It is in-your-face bold, right from its stark title - 'Serial Killer'. There are no qualms about giving away the plot or end, especially when the intro goes further and states, 'your girl friend is a serial killer'. The genres are spot on too, it is dark, yet there's a bit of lighter stuff that contrasts, just a hint of romance and normalcy, a trace of other interest introduced with the darts.

*Flower5* The Things That Worked For Me: I love short stories that deal with crime, even dark ones, although I don't like the longer sheer Horror pieces. You know, chocolate cake with choclate cream frosting and chocolate flakes is Death by Boredom, not Death by Chocolate for me. I like it with fresh raspbery and white cream frosting! This one had just enough of all flavours for my liking.

It had a novel approach to the tale, reminiscent of a movie, with its rewind and flashback! I loved that! USP in large letters, maybe in skywriting! Well done! *ThumbsUpR*


*Flower5* The Things That Made Me Stop and Think: You eschew the capital I, but not altogether. Now, I liked it, it gave it one more unique feature. But, it might not work all the time. Here, I was able to discern a motive to use this device, it might have been to negate the narrator's importance, since he is already 'gone'! So it wasn't a big niggle, but keep it consistent.

The punctuation and spelling, the sentence formation, that might need a little more care. I have highlighted a couple of things that struck me in the section below, but there are others. Please do a thorough review. your competence as a writer just shouts out, add editing skills and you will shine! All the best!



*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* "And eyes as devilish as it could be....." I think it would be correct to say, 'as they could be', it is 'eyes', in the plural. A long pause is indicated by an ellipsis or those three periods grouped together, thus: ...
There is, by convention, a space before and after the grouping, as with any other punctuation mark like comma or hyphen.

*NoteO* "and dart just missed my ears and reached hear hands..." An article is missing there - 'the dart just missed', not 'dart just missed'. And Spell-check can't help you if the typo is also a correct word. So, 'her', not 'hear'.

*NoteO* Why??...unable to speak i stammered... Please don't sprinkle those ellipses with such a liberal hand, too much pepper in a dish overwhelms it! Use it sparingly, it is more effective that way. The mundane comma does a heroic job for most places, hyphens and dashes can supplement them, one or two ellipses only! Try it this way:

"W-why?" Unable to get out more, I paused. (The stammering is obvious this way, and you are speaking{{/i})

*NoteO* "u won't have to get rid off me...i love you" This is not a novel by SMS, please write out the 'you'. If it was in a note or other communication, it could pass. Also, it is 'of', not 'off', when one rids oneself of something.



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Dulcet tunes  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Koyel~writing again Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I am using the suggestion generated by Random Reviews to spread a bit of holiday cheer - the seasonal spirit!

*GingerBread* *Bell* *Holly1* Happy Holidays! *Holly2* *Bell* *GingerBread*



*Flower5* The Title:I liked the sound of that title, it attracted me by its unusual choice of words. It was a tad later that I began to wonder. Can a tune be dulcet? Or is it more easy to associate tone with dulcet? I have a mind that is easily sidetracked, I can only offer that as excuse and apology for opening my review with such a frivolous query! But titles are like headgear, they must be immaculate, appropriate as well as striking. One could not wear a bright pink straw hat, no matter how cunningly embellished, to a funeral, nor should one add a cunningly placed rose to a beret! First impressions count, so simple but correct is better than inspired but awry. I'm not sure which exact composition is correct but I have one rule that helps: If in doubt, leave it out!

*Flower5* Rhyming: Perfect complete end rhymes. Perhaps 'prayer' is the one word that gave me pause, since the way I would say it is 'pray-er', but it does exist as a choice in rhyming dictionaries. I like the euphonious sound of the rhyme, especially since I like to read a poem aloud. Well done!

*Flower5* Meter: I do a little dance of delight. Despite polysyllabic words like Melliflous and ecstasy, there is a lovely beat, 8 syllables per line! Wow! The refrain would help to some extent, but there are still two more lines per verse to get into rhythm!

*Flower5* Grammar: Poetic license: to be a correct sentence, the line The cuckoo sings, chirps in its lair. should be corrected to 'chirping in its lair' or 'it chirps in its lair'. But, that would ruin the syllable count, so I can overlook that with ease!

But there are a couple of other errors, please find them in the Suggestions Section, below.


*Flower5* Poetry Form: You pick a difficult form. Thanks for spelling out its requirements. Before drop-notes became available on site, I too detailed the information thus, either at the beginning or end. Nowadays, I add it at the end, as a drop note, for those who need it. The site has many who don't. I am not one of them, *Blush* so I will take it anywhere, anyhow.

You meet all the requirements impeccably, and kudos for this choice of 3 line verses, a refreshing change from the overwhemingly popular choice of quatrains in so many other forms.


*Flower5* Poem as a whole: Sweet sounding, mellow, pleasant and agreeable - it was all it promised to be. I thought of the bird that is your chosen user name and handle. Surely this was an appropriate offering from your pen!

*Flower5* What I liked: It is almost spiritual in the emotions it evokes, I laud the way you convey a purity of feeling, the essence of ecstasy in beauty!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* Morning beams floods the sky and gleam. I feel sure you agree that it should be 'morning beams flood the sky'.

*NoteO* Awaking me from my bad dream. I wonder if that should be 'waking me' or 'awakening me'? Either, of course, ruins the meter. Maybe use a synonym for bad, like 'dreadful' or 'awful', or maybe swallow the possessive pronoun, 'my'?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello offbeat Author Icon and welcome to this wonderful site. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I found your item as a random suggested read, it is being offered in the spirit of the season - Happy Holidays!

*GingerBread* *Bell* *Holly1* *Holly2* *Bell* *GingerBread*

*Flower5* The Title: I like the emotion that resonates in this title, gentle regret for bygone days. Well done! You pulled me into the read.

I am eschewing my usual template since this is an essay, not a story - which is what I would normally pick up for a read.

*Flower5* The Tiny Niggles: I see you are new to the site. Well, writers of all types come here, to post their work and refine the items in time. It is best to keep items set to 'Private' (the default setting is 'Make Public' - allow everyone, it goes all the way to 'Keep Private' - For My Eyes Only at the other end of the scale, through a variety of options. See, you will get irritating suggestions about things you intended to set right when you had time if you post a rough draft out there for everyone to read.

Like, in this one:

*FlagG* Even the title and intro should be perfect. Especially these - they make the first impression. The intro should refer to 'past' days and not 'passed' days. (Your other item has two mis-spelled words: 'ciy' for city, and 'historica' for historical.)


*FlagG* Writing something in all CAPS online is taken to be equivalent of 'shouting' in real life. Even otherwise, it is the hallmark of the lazy writer, who cannot be troubled to bother with capitalization and lower case typing.

*FlagG* I see you have another piece in your portfolio, you have made a creditable effort to use proper case, but some names are not capitalized (like the city from which you originate - Kolkata, or Swami Vivekanand), nor are the first words of some sentences. You probably intend coming back to rectify those, you know all the basic rules - but let us see those pieces after you have made your best effort, not before.

*FlagG* Separate the piece into relevant paragraphs, use a one line space in between paragraphs and the handy indent feature to mark all the first lines appropriately. There is a handy menu bar just above the body of the item, which allows you shortcut commands for these.

*FlagG* Try not to use bold font or colours unless central to understanding the piece, or requested by the contest owner as part of a prompt. For example, some words must be used in the item submission and made bold to aid judges in finding them.

*Flower5* The Specifics: Spaces: I wonder about this one, but I think it is important enough to not be classed with the niggles. The space after a period or comma - it is so easy to correct this even if unfamiliar with the rule. A tech savvy 16-year old should find it as easy as pie. Use Word or any similar program to draft your pieces and run Spell-check. Little green squiggly lines will show you each place where the space needs to be inserted and will offer that option as suggested change.

Spelling: It is very important to present an item so that the mistakes do not make the reader feel like leaving the read mid way. Correct spelling is a minimum requirement. Again the almighty Spell Check can help with many of these. It cannot help with a word that is otherwise correctly spelled but wrongly used, or a homophone, but it will catch the examples listed in suggestions below.



*Flower5* The Item as a Whole: It comes from the heart, a very young and tender heart. I too was emotional and intense at sixteen, alas - far too many years ago. I can sympathize. One does tend to hoard the golden memories from the past, taking them out from time to time and heaving a nostalgic sigh. Your fervour and tender heart shines through this piece. Having written it this way, try turning this into free verse - for a striking poem. You have a way of stringing events together to make a picturesque whole!

*Flower5* What I liked: It is fresh, it is straight from the heart, it makes the narrator come to life.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* MISS THE GONE BY DAYS OF CHILDHOOD Either make that 'bygone days' or days gone by', this form sounds stiff and stilted, not easy to comprehend.

*NoteO* ME AND MY PARENTS SHIFTED The correct form would be: 'My parents and I shifted.'

*NoteO* SHE CONSOLED ME AND EXPLAINE THAT " ONE WHO COMES HAS TO GO" I loved that idiom - 'One who comes has to go', it probably sounds even more beautiful in your native tongue, as your mother expresses it. See that menu bar, it will give you an option to use such phrases as they were expressed and yet show the meaning to a hovering mouse or finger via a 'popnote'! But for the suggestion:

'Explained' - the ending 'd' is missing. Even onsite the site spell-check underlines it in curly red and suggests the correction. It will also catch the extra 'a' in MY GRANDMA PAASED AWAY & the typo of 'b' for 'n' in I WAS TRABSFORMING . There are so many other examples, I will not list them.

Krystle, you are a warm, passionate writer whose words are heartfelt. Keep writing and remember these words are only an encouragement to improve, please do not take them as criticism! If you choose to alter the piece in any way and feel it deserves a higher rating, I will be happy to revise with a fresh review! Just drop me a mail with bitem link.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello michealk2. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I am just wandering the site, trying to find something to review. Your piece caught my eye because of a positive review on Public Reviews. (One side effect of reviews, is that they attract more reviewers!) *GingerBread* *Bell* *Holly1* Happy Holidays! *Holly2* *Bell* *GingerBread*

*Flower5* The Title: The title does an adequate job, just a hint of more to it than seems on the surface. The intro is more effective, it adds layers to the chilling expectations, but in the end, is not quite true to the tale. Misdirection is all very well, but deliberate confusion does not enhance the complete enjoyment of the tale. It spoiled that deft twist for me.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The choice to open the tale with dialogue, and to keep that device going for the better part, is the mark of a seasoned writer. One who is well versed with the drawbacks and advantages of dropping the reader right in the midst of action. You cleverly give us the back story in the conversation. Well done! *ThumbsUpR*

*Flower5* The Setting: It's Horror, it's scary, it's a thriller. There should be some setting, surely. Well, except for the dire warning to keep doors and windows closed because a murderer is abroad, there isn't much of it. It seems to be a masterly choice, like the sunny contrast in some of Hitchcock's masterpieces, the gay humming song before the knife-thrust! Again, well done! *Salute*

I just had one little niggle, was there more than one murderer out that night? 'Last spotted in this area'? Really, and door-to-door is the way to go? Not radio or TV announcements? Why not have the policeman say, "Mam'am you must have heard the warnings on TV or radio? Just letting you know we're close at hand if you need help." Maybe hand over a whistle to blow? (That would allow an ending that overcame another of my objections - see Suggestions, below)


*Flower5* The Characters: Lilly, and the policeman. Do you think such a short piece requires no further amplifications? Should we know if Lilly was pretty, and exactly how pretty? (The policeman comes on to her pretty strong, don't you think?) Or was the policeman a gay dog? One who is on the lookout?

Your choice, if you want to take things in that direction, I just mention where my mind led me.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Again, it is a short piece, descriptions often take a back seat in such. But a pithy turn of phrase, a glimpse into character or setting would either heighten contrast or serve to underline building suspense.

She quickly shut and locked the door.

Breathing a sigh of relief, she climbed the stairs and headed toward the bathroom.


This bit had an adverb in it too, adverbs are the enemy of 'showing', relegating the phrase to bald 'telling'. How about:

She sighed, a soft hiss of relief, as the lock engaged with a reassuring clack.

She vended her way upstairs in languorous anticipation, I need that long awaited soak.

Would you like to go in a similar direction, or are you happy with your way? You decide, you are the puppet master, bend the words as you will.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: You take a well known story motif, the escaped, or the prowling, murderer; the ensuing police chase, to create expectation of one scenario. You then introduce another motif, the beautiful young girl having a luxurious bath, a la Psycho, to create another. Then you throw in the twist!

I only quibble a wee bit, because there's just one problem in this scenario, the tendency of blood to clot. Normal clotting times are, believe it or not, two to six minutes, under standard conditions. Would that bit of information make you change anything in the tale? (BTW - Heat itself coagulates proteins, although other substances become more soluble in water.)

Oh, and just thinking ahead, how exactly did the murderer manage all those murders and expect the story concocted to stand the harsh light of proper interrogation? Tying up loose ends is the hallmark of a true thriller writer. Think Agatha Christie!

Still, I enjoyed this little gem!


*Flower5* What I liked: I like the fact that you create two different worlds and bring them together with a jarring clash, like a true horror story!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* I get off soon. I live just a few blocks away. Here's my card with my personal number on it. If you hear anything, see anything, or just want some company, don't hesitate to call." It was the 'just want company' that had me pondering. With a murderer on the prowl, he's likely to not only get off soon, he's raring for inappropriate conduct? The rest is okay by itself, she can always 'see something' or 'blow the whistle' (see my comment/suggestion in the section on Setting

*NoteO* "She reached for her pants that were laying on the floor" Hmmm ... she's sloppy, likely to get her pants splashed, if nothing more! And should that be 'laying' or 'lying'?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Just Run With It  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello . I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I found this item on the Request Review page - I am currently doing random reviews in the spirit of the season *GingerBread* *BulbP* *Holly1* *Holly2* *BulbP* *GingerBread* .

*Flower5* The Title: I was drawn to this item by the title which was underlined and enhanced by the intro - it was about a chase and a solution that wasn't expected - excellent layering of meaning in the title! Short yet unusual, clear yet profound, enigmatic but apt! What's not to like about the title! *ThumbsUpL*

*Flower5* The Beginning: This is where I needed to slow down and read slowly. The name choice, Melisan, similar to Melissa or Melisande, but yet different. Hmmm ... that's probably a deliberate choice, to emphasize a different time setting. But, the differences come thick and fast - goblins, a weird idiom that foxes even the protagonist, a kind of hunter and a mechanical hound. There's no harm in dropping the reader right into the action, but whatever back-story was offered was not enough to illuminate. Less like a probing beacon illuminating the path ahead, and the destination, to the explorer; but rahter like the guarded flash of a theater usher's torch, it shows one the seat but not how many feet one will trip over on the way there.

*Flower5* The Setting: Where is it taking place? When is it taking place? A fantasy world? A future time? An alternative time-space continuum? Steam-punk as a reference is all very well, but I was unable to get clarity on the setting. If you intended it to be visible, then some extra work would be required. If this bit was only a prologue, a teaser, then perhaps it is not imperative that it be shown. It cannot harm to show it, but it does not damage the piece much to have it lacking.

*Flower5* The Characters: I presume by 'voice test' you mean POV? You are testing out the narrator's voice? It seemed consistent enough, no head hopping. Did I see the character clearly ... did you intend the character to be so seen? I guess the answer to both parts is no. But, I am curious, what has horns and a tail, incendiary powers and is 'more than human'? Hmmm ... the answer was diabolic!

The other characters: goblins, peelers, mechanical hounds, they were all caricatures. Since you are 'trying' it out, you probably have the details all fleshed out in your mind. I might have found it more riveting if at least one of those was clear. It helped that this 'peeler' acted out of character, by showing concern for the 'kid', maybe if we glimpsed the serried ranks of oblivious and uncaring brethren pounding past, trampling plants, breaking branches, in their haste - maybe that would heighten this odd compassion?

See, if I cannot empathize with some part of the tale, I might not read further bits, either in this same piece or in continuing ones.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Now, it is a short piece, but a deft adjective here or there can add enough depth to titillate the reluctant appetite of a reader who is on the edge of backing out of the tale.

The first thing I'd suggest is to examine the tale for adverbs - the most common culprits that convert showing to telling. Take:
The peeler nodded slowly. “All right.” He dropped the bottle into his bag. “In that case, I’m taking it.”
The peeler nodded slowly.
The peeler gave a reluctant nod.

Which do you feel makes a more gripping description?

When he drops the bottle into his bag, how does he do it? Does he thrust it with a swift greedy gesture? Does he drop it in with a hesitant air, his eyes shifting from side to side as he did so? SHOW us the action, the motivation, without ever changing the voice.

Another suggestion: Keep it consistent. You mention early on that the goblins are three feet tall or thereabouts. 'a meter tall'
Later you refer to them as 'tiny'. Tiny, green, and hairless
I do not think those two bits form part of a consistent whole, not unless the narrator is three or four times as large.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I liked reading it. Well, I like fantasy so you had me with the first mention of other worldly creature. It is a fantasy that is much larger than what is glimpsed here, an entire new world. It is populated by a number of incendiary creatures and their dark antagonists. It is not yet clear what the Problem or Conflict is, let alone the resolution.

*Flower5* What I liked: You have tried hard to create this new world.

I like the names, the personas created, 'peelers' for the authorities in chase. It might refer to the term 'keeping one's eyes peeled', it might refer to 'peeling' as an activity, as in separating from a larger portion - maybe of a task force. Or you might have some other notion in your head. Whatever it was, the name resonated and created a point of interest.

Mechanical Hounds, another interesting creature. I wonder if they can be distracted with a juicy oily rag? *Laugh*

Even the main character was intriguing, although I was unable to discern a definite alignment on the side of the righteous or deserving!

I liked the little swear word or term - Fata Morgana - a hint to the magical as any who have know the Fairy Queen will perceive.



*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* It never hurt to have friends, or at least makeshift allies. Even if they were a meter tall, illiterate, and firework-obsessed. How does the one sentence follow upon the next? It never hurts to have allies. Are you listing shortcomings of said allies? A meter tall is fine, the hound dogs must be much smaller. Firework obsessed is not a bad thing either, unless they were literally loose cannons?

*NoteO* "Mellisan stepped aside to avoid getting a goblin to the kneecaps," Hmmm ... so, Mellisan's knees are a meter off the ground? She wasn't worried about getting one higher up, so I'm going with that guess.

*NoteO* “Moby’s earth ‘a peelers!” it yowled nigh-incomprehensibly. Mellisan drew a blank for a moment as she tried to arrange the jumble of syllables she’d heard into something sensical. I would prefer that nearly or almost qualifiers of an adjective are avoided. You do justify it by having the protagonist change her mind to 'absolutely incomprehensible', after a defeated attempt to decode it, but it nevertheless irritates. Making up jargon for fantasy is allowed, but sensical kinda stuck in the throat. Lead up to the language changes, or change object words, which are more likely to evolve with time. I think if she got the message from goblin-wailer, when the allusion in Moby escaped her, she's gifted! It's great to think of Moby Dick still being relevant in this alternate reality.

*NoteO* ""

*NoteO* ""

*NoteO* ""


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Commercials  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Fiblette Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I found your item on Random Reviews and want to wish you Happy Holidays! *GingerBread**Snow2**Bell* *Bell* *Snow1* *GingerBread*!

*Flower5* The Title: I notice that you are new to the site - let me first welcome you to this great site! I know that you may nevertheless be a seasoned writer, but there are certain site devices which can help you garner eyeballs, perhaps this review can help you that way.

First of all, many of us search for something to read by genre, like I love reading pieces that have humour, so I search for Comedy, Nonsense, Satire ... maybe Parenting, Children's or Family. So using those to characterize the piece helps.

Next off, use that title! I know that in any essay that title would be perfect, short, clear, apt. But for the browsing reader something more is required to arrest that roaming eyeball, a punch with an unusal word choice or pun! Maybe something like: "Which Comes First, The Commercial Or The Program?" Or, if that gives away your punchline, the one within the write, perhaps: "How To Make Sales and Influence Buyers"? Both refer to well known things, a joke and the title of a famous self-help book. You could think of something far better, you know best what you want to highlight, these are mere examples.

The intro did a great job, introducing the main plot without giving away the punchline. Only quibble - there's a missing apostrophe in there, which you insert in the main write (kids/kid's); either might be correctly used, but be consistent.


*Flower5* The Beginning: Were you in a hurry to post this, for some deadline? Why not take a few minutes extra and format it - use paragraphs, with a one line space in between each and a first line indent for the first lines? It looks neater, more dramatic, helps the reader get through without tiring. Just one large jumble of words might put them off enough to make them back off altogether.

Another tip is to use italics for internal thought. Then the tag 'thought' is like 'said', it can be taken for granted.
Your very first line:
Thank God for kid’s TV thought Karen, hurriedly dumping lettuce into a colander.

It would be more effective if written as:
Thank God for kid’s TV, Karen hurriedly dumped lettuce into a colander.

Last point for this section: Keep it simple. You have two reasons in that beginning for her tardiness, the meeting which 'ran long' and the 'long light' at one particular corner. The corner is even named, yet it has no further relevance to the tale.

The beginning also talks of the high sitter rate, with a penalty of 'five bucks a minute' - that led me down a side ponder - really? Five bucks a minute? If someone was ten minutes late, that would be fifty dollars? I think a change of sitter should be recommended. Charging for an extra hours if the person is even a minute late seems possible, but this high a penalty would require someone to give less than proper commitment to work!


*Flower5* The Setting: I got a good glimpse at the activity and the participants, but I needed to see where it was all happening for the physical setting. You did a great job on the emotional setting, I was in Karen's head, I felt her irritation, her feeling of being on a treadmill that had this inexorable overload bulit-in! So, just give us a couple of phrases to show the place, like when you mention the counter - was it small or large? Marble or wood?

*Flower5* The Characters: I got a an eyeful of Karen, a single parent (most likely), with one child of maybe 7-8 years age, a boy. She is stuck in a low paying job, has a lot of expenses and few options about improving her quality of life. So far, so good. But, did I like her? Did I sympathize or empathize with her? You tell me if you intended to make her likable, or not.

She's not very maternal to her son, thinks of him as 'interfering' with her work, TV as a means to 'keep him quiet'. She hates her job and her colleagues, without demonstrating how she herself is superior to them. (If they are irritating, is she captivating?) She doesn't know how to change her external world and has no intention of changing herself.

The child is a mere caricature in comparison, a typical child, with a focus on food and entertainment. I failed to see much parent-child bonding.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: I am not sure if there was a word restriction? One trick I use is to first write whatever comes to mind, within 15-20% of the target word count; then I go back and prune out whatever I can, make it taut and compelling. The advantage is that what remains is what makes the most impact.

Like: ‘Mom, can I get that for my birthday?’ The captivated boy shouted to his mother. We already know that the boy is talking to his mother from his naming her when he calls out. Cut out the 'to his mother'.

Use the 'saved' words to add description where 'telling' occurs:

‘We’ll see’ Karen responded automatically, without looking up from the stove 'Without looking up from the stove' shows that the response is automatic, eschew the adverb, maybe add in a bit about her response - was it clipped, bored, did she 'spout the words with the aplomb of one who has fielded such lobbed requests in a hundred previous games'? Your choice of words, simile or metaphor.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Is there a story in there? Although there is a definite Beginning, Middle and End, with the end being both deft and unexpected, it still falls a tad short. For there is no definite Problem, not a clear one, more a litany of woes. There's neither proper Conflict nor a Resolution that resounds.

*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the end. I had to look up the drug to be sure, but in the end, I 'got' it! Maybe if the reminder had been less of an afterthought, it might have made more impact? Maybe if was a query: 'Darling, did you take your ...?' I am not naming the item, don't want to be more of a spoiler than I can help! But, that's not to say it does not work as it stands. Well done!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* Thank God for kid’s TV thought Karen, hurriedly dumping lettuce into a colander. We have already dealt with the internal thought and italicization. Let's look at adverb usage. I have had a lot of help on site in improving my presentation and punch. I'd say one of the most important lessons was: Show, don't tell! Adverb's are legitimate grammar, they are handy and economical, but they tell, rather than show. That sentence informs the reader that her action was hurried. Dumping is pretty expressive on its won, showing the hurry, but you could take it up a notch:
Thank God for kid’s TV, Karen slapped lettuce into a colander, swishing water through in a forceful gout.

Your choice, if you want to, and how you want to, but try and weed out the adverbs.

*NoteO* It did keep him occupied while she prepped dinner but she hated to be one of ‘those’ moms.

When the two parts of a sentence contradict each other, use 'but' as the conjunction. If they agree, use 'and' to cobble them together. Here, in the first part, it keeps him occupied, so she would let him watch TV. In the second part, she hates to be one of 'those' moms, does she mean the controlling denying kind, or the overindulgent spoiling kind?

*NoteO* Viciously scrubbing three good sized potatoes to within an inch of their lives KISS, KISS, KISS! Nope, not advocating PDA's, but using an acronym for Keep It Short/Simple! Viciously scrubbing (despite that adverb usage) is graphic enough, to 'within an inch of their lives' makes it weaker, even though metaphor is a preferred form of description. It has to be an appropriate metaphor. How about: Karen gave the potatoes a vicious scrubbing, scraping away her irritation?

*NoteO* Karen tossed the salad as if she were digging a makeshift grave for a recently murdered colleague. I think it makes more impact this way, sometimes, it's not just in the fashion industry that 'less is more'!

*NoteO* They say that exercise helps with everything, but by the time she had gotten in her Facebook time, checked what her friends were up to, liking and commenting, she would feel better without digging the dusty treadmill out from under all the clothes she had hung over the hand rails. Whoa! Runaway sentence here! Beware of long sentences, with its myriad phrases, cobbled together with conjunctions and punctuation marks! Meaning tends to get lost in a maze, however well the map is drawn! I felt there was a POV jump in there too, I might be wrong, but 'they say' spoke of first person to me, and 'shed had gotten' was back to third person. Then there was the plethora of prepositions in the last bit - 'out from under' the clothes 'hung over' the hand rails - it was a classic example of biting of more than I could chew when I read that! Do take a second look at it, modify by making it 2-3 shorter sentences and juggle the words a bit.

*NoteO* Cartoon characters danced across the screen in bright primary colors while real life children laughed and played with the toy, and the fun that came with it, being peddled to thousands of others. I'm not going to whip a dead horse, but this is another example of excessive sentence length contributing to confusion. 'Real children played with the toy', fine; how did they play with 'the fun that came with it'? How could either of those be 'peddled to thousands of others'? The toy sort of got lost in there!

Please don't think I did not like the item. I did, which is why I offer the feedback. It would take a little effort to make this piece attract the attention it deserves, which I hope it gets!

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Ben Langhinrichs Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered.

I am wandering the site, searching for things to review. I had the messenger open at intervals and saw you online, one of two Mods on at this point. So, I peeped into your port.

You, know, at first or casual glance, I always read your name as Ben Laughingriches! I loved the association - being rich in laughs! I still think of you that way and it was great fun to dip into this tale of yours!


*Flower5* The Title: What a great title! Alliteration is a great device if one call pull it off, and the alteration of idiom, the use of an unusual activity/word (winkle) ... all these add up to a title that grabs my roving eyeball - boinggggg!

*Flower5* The Beginning: Sibling rivalry, what little boys are made of, a normal slice of life of normal people. The main characters are introduced, the setting laid out, all the boxes neatly ticked. There's enough dialogue and recognizable family interaction to draw us right into the tale.

*Flower5* The Setting: It is a short tale, yet the setting is deft, a bit of description, a bit of dialogue - I can picture the action in my mind's eye.

*Flower5* The Characters: Sam and Becky, hints of Mom - we've seen them, actually we've been them! I loved the way the mother relegates the counter-authority firmly on the sidelines, 'this is the way we do it in this family'! I must have used that snappy retort a couple of hundred times when my kids had friend's with all-knowing parents and differing opinions! All resonating and making us nod along in a pleasant manner, lulled to expect one level in the tale.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: There's enough, I can visualize all the action, each bit of setting, even the unreal part. A job well done. Becky is so much 'sugar and spice and everything nice' - the one phrase she skipped along in the sunshine demonstrates this perfectly.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It did not have the simplistic relating that a children's fable would, instead it used a depiction that made it a vivid tale for adult readers. Yet the caution applies to the typical little boy, restless and inquisitive, knowing and yet uncaring. There was that deft look into a mirror, the supernatural warning, there's a reckoning awaiting you from the Universe!

All that made ponder was: The retribution could as easily have happened to someone innocent, Becky herself if she had been bathing in the sea at that time. The mirroring was so exact that it was repetition of mistake rather than just deserts.


*Flower5* What I liked: I loved the twist in the tale, it almost came out as a moral, you correctly label this as a 'cautionary tale'!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* "He plucked another of the dark spiral periwinkles off of the wooden ladder which disappeared down below the surface." Is 'off of' required? When this is used in the sense of 'remove from', the 'of' is implied.

*NoteO* "Becky stuck her tongue out at him and ran back up onto the grass." 'back','up', 'onto', surely there are too many directions in that action? Cut out a couple or use a comma, showing that one term qualifies the action in the other. Like: "and ran back, onto the grass"

*NoteO* With an eight year-old's logic he asked, “Why can’t we just drive?" It’d be so much faster.” What is so eight year-old about that logic? How many kids would think it is logical to load up a car, drive two hundred yards, find parking space, unload and walk down a beach - maybe fifty or more yards? Whiny spoilt kid logic, yes.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Itzpapalotl  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Jeff Author Icon. I am Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am going to be reviewing your piece as a gesture of friendliness, please accept it in the same spirit with which it is offered. This was a random selection from the items on site and I have to admit I find a certain hesitation reviewing one of the August Purple - a Sr. Mod, one moreover who is a notably gifted and acclaimed writer on site. Please don't call down the wrath of Itzpapalotl if there's anything that displeases!

*Flower5* The Title: Itzpapalotl, itz a lot not palate-able. *ducks, in case of forthcoming thunderbolt* No disrespect, I just mean that it doesn't roll quickly enough off the tongue! Kinda reminded me of the name of that imp from the fifth dimension: Myxyzptlk, from old Superman comics! Eye-catching and promises the exotic, it sure works as a title in catching the roving eye when one is looking for something to read.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning has all the requirements, it introduces the main characters, sets the tale and serves as back-story for the remainder

*Flower5* The Setting: The Aztec Goddess mentioned, in fact any of them, are likely to be an unknown entity as far as the reader is concerned. I only mention this because, the term 'Goddess' is generally associated with some benign attributes, when at all malignant, it is towards something evil. The depiction here shocks because of that. If that is the intended effect, Bravo! If you can add some more information in that already masterful beginning info, the setting, it might help. However, the description should clue us in somewhat so this is less of a fault mentioned, and more a mention of a point that set me pondering.

*Flower5* The Characters: The Goddess is prominent and George is a tool, a puppet; both these characters are well brought out. To do this in a short tale is commendable.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Ah, Itzy, Itzy! I am lost in admiration, not of the Goddess herself, but you graphic description, bat's wings, skin worn off to show the skeleton underneath, a shapely female form with otherworldly beauty. She attracts and repels with equal force!

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I did not like it much at the first read, it seemed too simplistic, it had so much of the classic paranoid schizophrenic killer. But, as I read it, I liked the layers within, the introduction of a new culture and character, the use of ending as beginning of another tale, one the reader is free to explore on his or her own. It is a nugget of clever crafting. Not for the faint-hearted, but not out and out explicit or gory either.

*Flower5* What I liked: The craft, what more can I say, always a pleasure to watch maestro! If I knew whether this if this was a spontaneous write or in response to a restrictive prompt ... well, wither way, it gave me great pleasure to read it!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*NoteO* "Carefully, almost reverently, he extracted a stone statuette." I might not be the most fervent believer in eschewing adverbs, but I do advice avoiding the 'almost-nearly-just about kind of qualifiers to any adjective. How is being almost reverent more meaningful than being reverent? And, as for the adverb, if you subscribe to 'Show, don't Tell', then note that adverbs are the latter, adjectives and descriptive phrases are the former. Metaphor is king, with simile being a consort! Imagine it altered ... maybe ...

"He extracted the stone statuette with the reverent care of one un-swaddling the Royal Heir." Or any other words of your choice that show the attitude and action.

*NoteO* "Every physical detail had been immortalized, lending and eerie, otherworldly beauty to this stone idol." I presume that there is a typo, 'and' for 'an'? The comma also confused, I think it was not required.

Thus: "Every physical detail had been immortalized, lending an eerie otherworldly beauty to this stone idol."



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
My  Muse, as she reviews, writes, reads.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ~ Santa Sisco ~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon - this is part of your auction win, review #2 of 5

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: The tile is as cute as a kitten! Or anything small, related to children, about family and love. You have all the right boxes ticked. It is not striking or unusual, two things that I always look for when I see a title, but that is just me. Most people would find this appealing.

*Flower5* The Format: It does not appear to have a specific format, despite being in the all-time favourite four line quatrain arrangement of lines. Beyond each verse being four lines, that is. I am open to correction; I am no expert in poetry.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Quatrains lend themselves to a number of arrangements, from the simple abcb, to aaaa, or abba/abab. There's even a possible aaab with each fourth line also rhyming or differing, as per taste (aaab cccb dddb or aaab cccd eeef). Internal rhyme or mirrored rhyme is also a possibility, I love the form for the wide choices one has.

Simple perfect single rhyme, with aabb pattern, as professed. The word choices are apt, there's no confusion with assonance here and slant rhyme there. Pound cake can be satisfying and rich, but I kept looking for the one sign of genius, of that flight of empyrean fancy that lifted it above the herd.


*Flower5* The Rhythm: I am a Dr. Seuss fan I love rhyme with rhythm, with an even meter. But you say this is free verse, so there's no need for arrangement in verses, no need for rhyme, no need to follow rules.

I confess my ignorance - Freestyle, the term is a misnomer, if it's free, there's no set style, is there? What about free verse? Does rhyme play a part there? Does no rules mean, one can use them as one wants? See, if one sets lines into verses and uses consistent rhyming pattern, the length of the lines, the cadence when reading it out, that's an added pleasure. Your lines vary from 7 to 12 syllables, they are awkward on ear and tongue. Not that is required, just that it adds one more level of enjoyment.

I know poetry with rhythm, with meter, but without rhyme is called blank verse. I was unaware of this type of free verse, rhyme without meter - sort of blank rhyme! *Laugh*


*Flower5* The Imagery: I like the example given, off the love between the child and her kitten, the unconditional expression of affection to someone, a mirroring of emotion. The suggestion that it's a fleeting moment, a glimpse best seen from the corner of the eye, evanescent if faced full on.

It is not known how old the inquiring child is, but the suggestion of love being a person who makes ones heart race seemed to be beyond her comprehension. The image is fine, it just feels inappropriate for its audience.


*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: The quoted reviewer says this is a 'creative' poem; I wondered if I was falling short in expertise, in judgement, if that was a form in itself. It made me google the term to find if there's a specific way to label a poem as such, some nuances of poetic licence of which I need to be aware. I am not sure - but I believe it has little further application, except as an adjective.

I think the problem was that I expected too much from it. See, a lot of information was tossed at me before I read it - being a contest winner, first place at that, in what was likely a contest around for months on site, with monthly entries? I was expecting to be blown away by some masterful form of great difficulty, which required dexterous formation of exact syllabic patterns, with inspired use of devices like alliteration, enjambment, or the subtle flights of metaphor in imagery laden lines. This is one reason why I feel such information is best given as a footnote, if at all. I know one is proud of such wins, but it can act counter to one's intentions of attracting readers.

It is an emotion laden relation, the very subject tugs at the heart strings. But the review/rating must be for the writing, not the subject, or at least it should be weighted to a large extent to the former.

I would have enjoyed it more if I were not searching for that hidden treasure marked in the map, or waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak!


*Flower5* What I liked: This and so many other questions are thrown at us by (our) children. The innocence in the query is well captured. The difficulty in giving the answer in terms that their inexperienced minds can comprehend is also shown clearly. The sheer joy of a child who sees the dawning meaning, who 'gets it', that too was simply demonstrated. Sometimes simple is striking, more than embellishment only for the sake of decking up the offering.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Note2* "You pucker up, give my cheek a peck" I felt the images suggested by 'puckering up' and 'giving a peck' did not correspond. One was a full fledged anticipation of a kiss, the other the obligatory expression of it. But, that's a lot to do with my perception, it's not in anyway unacceptable to use the two together.

*Note2* "You love the beach, playing in the sand" Is this the best example of love? A fun activity? The cat loving the child because they do fun things together is more appropriate, since there is the element of giving joy to the other and love being returned because of it. Or the poem could have been longer, explaining the different kinds of love, love of a pastime, love of a pet, love of relationship or person, etc etc. This merely related a couple. It also talked of abstract concepts like fleeting time, and an affliction of adrenaline and pheromone acceleration of heartbeats that are both beyond childish comprehension.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1939250 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jay's debut novel is out now! Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E].


This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: The title sums up the concept neatly. It is concise, catchy, (mayhem should appeal to the zany imp that lurks inside most creative people!) and clear. What's not to like about such a title? well done! *Thumbsupl*

*Flower5* The Rules: Again, the job has been done with a minimum of fuss. Too many rules and and however exciting or challenging the activity, it remains restricted to a select number of those able to master them. Too few and it is not enough to entice one withing. You trod the fine line, the sword's edge, with aplomb. I love the one about not trying to rule-lawyer! I learned a long time back it is best not question decisions, even questionable ones, there's no fun playing otherwise! If I think it's unfair, I may not play again, but I won't question it. But, weighing up your rules, there seems not to be much that one need complain of, the main aim is to have fun interacting!

*Flower5* The Activity: Unusual, simple, addictive, stimulating, community-friendly, easy to enter, leave and re-join! Again, I cannot see a downside here.


*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but sometimes these points can mar the first impression!

Well, I found nary a period or comma out of place, quite Mary Poppins-ish - Perfect in every way!


*Flower5* What I liked: I liked the idea of raiding the golden oldies of the site, and/or those who support the group. Once upon a time the suitcase colours used to intimidate me, and I still like to tiptoe with care amongst ports adorned with blue and purple ones although I am my rollicking self in blacks and yellows! But this idea appealed to me so much, I felt a kinship overcome my reluctance.

I found the genre choices to make an excellent example of an entry: Nonsense Community Activity - that just about sums it up!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

I have no errors or suggestions, this is not the usual poetry-story kind of item.

But I do have a comment: I guess it's been awhile since you last had the time to update the information, that does not bode well for the users, to have the creator go AWOL. The item's 10th anniversary winners yet to be updated, and you are on track only until winner's of WDC's 12th, we are shortly reaching its 15th anniversary - that's quite a gap! Take on a deputy, but keep thing live, this one is too precious to pack away in mothballs!

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*

On share for reviewers to use
11
11
Review of The 19th Green  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Donkey Hoetay Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am responding to your request to review this item, thanks for returning for another review from me, I appreciate the validation.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: Titles do not 'take' superscript or subscript well, so spelling out numbers might make for a more visually acceptable option. I also prefer the use of Title case, where only the first letter of each word is capitalized. I belong to the old school, where all caps is akin to shouting, a quite unnecessary cry for attention, since your words are what should make the title draw attention to itself.

See, it may be apt, it may attract attention by inference, like yours says 'Golf', and the intro adds in the family emotional hint. But, is it unusual, profound, with potential for a twist in meaning, does it have alliteration or incongruous pairing, anything that makes it stand out from the vast array on offer? Without reading the story, I can ask you to consider PGW's (he's my goto example, I just worship his word wizardry) titles, the golfing ones. Or how about something like 'Best Foot Fore-ward', or 'Be-Fore And After'?


*Flower5* The Beginning: I quibble about this part more than anything else, although all parts or elements can be pivotal to the story. You see, this is about the opportunity one has to make an impression on the reader. In one of my tales I took a risk and began with three words, non-sentences, things that many people advice eschewing. But since those words were: "Rich. Bored. Restless."
I got away with it. Most people liked the immediate identification with the main character.

So, the beginning needs to be a great hook. You say:
"The course at Pinecrest never looked more spectacular."
This does give us setting, a possible location, and tells us there's a great bit of description coming. It also makes me pause, I don't know Pinecrest, I am not aware of how spectacular it normally looks, and how the current view is more so. It disturbs the concentration to ponder on such things.

Even if it were a seedy overgrown neglected place, if the morning sun and dew made it spectacular, that might make me more interested. Not in the surroundings of a few privileged ones, but somewhere where the rest of the world might make it.

Then a little later:
"The smell of the azaleas wafting over the virgin turf would have been intoxicating to any golfer's enthusiasm, and it certainly was not wasted on the pair warming up at the first tee."

A long sentence, it basically says, yes, tells one, that it smelled of flowers, a lot, and that the characters found it so too. Compare it, show me what it smelled like, I might never have smelled azaleas before (in fact I haven't seen one, either)! Why would that be intoxicating? Why particularity would it add to their enthusiasm? Is it a golfer-thing, or a family-thing? How was it not wasted? Did their ability, mood or conversation tone change as a result?

See, you triggered off more questions than you delivered information or created an image. Is that what you want to do?




*Flower5* The Setting: Well, you have the genres set to Dark, Mystery and Fantasy. Isn't Supernatural, or Ghost, an option, or do you want it to be a surprise? Then the best options would be to choose more generic ones, like Sport and Emotional.

So, anyway, according to genre choice, there's a lot of setting that needs delivery. The beginning makes good contrast for the middle, and the ending is pure 'Sixth Sense'. But it needed the support of setting, I felt the turns were expected, and confusing. (It is the expectations of past tales that lead to the confusion, one expects the unseen companion to be the ghost!)


*Flower5* The Characters: Does one have to like the characters? Perhaps not, but it's better if we can at least empathize and care about what happens. In this tale the main character could be either of the two prominent in the beginning, but both disappear, right out of the tale. Who remains, but the brazen and on-the-make so called successful man? And then, he turns out to be the Ghost? I don't think that it counts as the spoiler to reveal that, because, unless there's a vital reason for this ghost's roaming shenanigans the end is not going to work as it stands.

How well do the two men know each other? Mike is mis-named by Chuck, and he calls the other Chuck (intimate) and Mr. Billup (formal).

And what about the group that holds them up, after all the descriptions of weird, I expected them to be more integral to the tale, but they fade out altogether. It is a Short Story, not a Novel chapter, so if they're not integral to the plot, don't let them in!


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Other than the dew laden new-mown grass and the smell of azaleas, there was not much else to add atmosphere. Hmm ... I'll modify that, the rain clouds and lightning added in a touch of dark and eerie, but not enough.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I think I got it on the third read-through, but who was the bride in the casket, and how come Danny can see Mike but not Chuck/Charles, and Mike can see Charles and Danny? I'm trying to sift the men from the ghosts here!

Who was the 'bride in the casket'? Is that how they refer to deceased women? There's so much I seem to be missing and I am not normally so inept. How come the clubhouse is used for funerals?

What is Sarah doing in the story?

As you can see, there are a number of questions raised that spoil the effect of a potentially good tale. Sometimes, less is more. If the tale was taut it would be more thrilling and suspenseful.


*Flower5* What I liked: When I finally got it, I liked the irony, the address was a deft touch. I love dark mystery, so if I could get all of this one, I would appreciate it even more!

After I 'got' it, the remark about not being hit twice by lightning was a good red herring that was actually a clue!

In fact I liked it enough to want to like it much more!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Note4* "No, I suppose not," replied Daniel Frost with a smirk. Smirk: A smug, conceited or silly smile. You're sure you want Danny boy to smirk? I thought we were to feel he deserved our sympathy? A fatherless or abused young man who needs money to support himself, a budding player of promise? I sure wouldn't do that if he smirks at the innocuous but expected remark of an older man, a father-figure.

Also, don't have both dialogue tag and the action, just the speech in quotes and the 'he smirked' would do. Or, at least, omit that full name there, make it:'he replied with a smirk'.

He skid stopped just as they opened the back door of the limousine Hearst to let the bride out. Is Hearst a brand of car, or do you mean 'hearse'?

"I think she can recognize me now, but It's tough to tell" Let me get the itty-bitty out if the way first - there's an unnecessary capital 'I' in there - I've bold-ed the bit! It is dialogue, but despite that there's hope for showing rather than telling. 'She opens her eyes and they do seem to follow me around, so I'm wondering if she recognizes me. She hasn't yet responded with a hand squeeze or anything, though, so it's tough to tell.' Your way, one wonders what makes the man think she recognizes him if she isn't at the hand squeezing stage yet (which you mention in the next sentence).

"I suppose you don't really have to be physically there all the time. As long as you're there in spirit, I guess it's okay," said Danny thoughtfully." Again, it's not an error that makes me tackle this part, it's the information and attitude that emerges. Sure, it's okay if he's there in spirit, but quite the opposite happens. He is there (at her hospital bedside) physically but thinking of his golf game, so even when there, he's playing golf, in spirit. That is surely not okay? And it is definitely easier for someone to be at he bedside of someone critically ill but conscious than someone who is basically comatose and unresponsive, whose emotional need for that companionship is probably less. I mention this because one needs to empathize with the characters, here both did not appeal, Danny appears like someone who is 'sucking up' and Mike as shallow.

"The dew still glistened off the Bermuda grass blades. Their footprints left behind as clearly as if it had been snowing." I am not sure repetition of the glistening dew does much to enhance setting. The second sentence would improve with the inserted of the word 'were', as in 'were left behind'.

"Mike tipped his cap as they started to sing and moved on to join Danny at the next tee." What is the information given to us here?
Mike tipped his cap.
They started to sing.
He, or they, moved on to join Danny at the next tee.

On second pass, it's obvious Mike moved on. The confusion would not arise if the person making the motion did both actions at the same time, thus: 'They started to sing; Mike tipped his cap and moved on to join Danny at the next tee.'


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1534744 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Matt Bird MSci (Hons) AMRSC Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E].

In honour of your valiant efforts in GOT, the "WDC Power Reviewers Group" Raid is dedicated to you!*Salute*

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This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: Word of advice? Please don't use deprecatory qualifiers like 'hopefully' when telling the reader a funny tale lies within. It screams that you don't think it's good enough, and if you don't think so, if you have no confidence, why should the reader read on? The title is funny, the alliteration and pun make it funny enough. Have the intro just say it's a quest to find the world's best cheese grater.

Also, please do not give so much detail about how long you had to write it and what were the difficulties faced, what matters in the end is whether you achieved something good or not. Or do you want pity ratings? The tale deserves better than that! Congratulations on the win!


*Flower5* The Beginning: I liked the idea of a tale that melded from reality to fantasy and back again. It felt like narration, story telling, Mr and Mrs John Smith stuff, but the contrast was just enough to highlight without interfering with a smooth read. Well done.

*Flower5* The Setting: Ah, I got the feeling of having turned a couple of pages too many and having got into the wrong tale, when the settings changed. So, yes, the setting was depicted well. Despite the changing textures and rapid succession of creatures, or was it because of them?

*Flower5* The Characters: The main character is a klutz, part of the fun comes from his constant failures and his accidental solutions, like when his attempt to click a photo of the dragon makes them fall into holes in the ground. You could use internal dialogue to heighten the humour - thank God, I wasn't trying for a selfie!

BTW, what is the POV? 'Little did they know' ... you say, then go right on to describe what they could not know. How come?


*Flower5* The Descriptions: There could have been a lot more, the dragons, the witches, they call out for description. You chose to make it about the action, but balancing that with a little description would enhance it further. There were bits that were intentionally hilarious, like the castle stinking of ... wait for it ... cheese! With a mental shrug conveyed by that one deftly inserted word, 'well'. It might take you a little while to find your niche, but gentle humour is well within reach!

*Flower5* The Dialogue: Great job on the rhyming chants, witches have to be wannabe poets, right? I love it that their brew is actually a casserole!

The back and forth between Kaas and Mark is also amusing, especially the part about:

"You are aware that ‘mystical beings’ don’t exist, aren’t you?”

“You are aware that you’re not at home?"


You have more than just a hope of being funny, stop doubting yourself!


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I have a problem with fantasy and dreams, you can resolve any problem with magic. The hero can lack every heroic quality and yet triumph. Look at Harry Potter (don't kill me, Rowling fans!) - he doesn't even complete school but he's still managed to be a whiz in the wizarding world. *Laugh* So too here, the bumbling fumbling tumbling hero manages to complete the quest, by accident and luck.

Having said that, the one stand out bit in this tale was the end. Both the beginning and end were 'real', contrasting with the dream-like nature of the rest, and the irony of the ending made it a winner for sure.


*Flower5* What I liked: I generally like fantasy, the adult kind, not the castles of sugar and cottages of gingerbread kiddie fairy tale kind. I do like witches and dragons too, just not when they are dragged into the tale willy nilly to pad the progress. Again, despite my grumbling, I thought the various elements stayed true to character and moved things along, providing just sufficient check to make it a quest.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"The cane spun so fast it produced an immense wind that was so powerful one of dragons flew away" Crisp and clear rules. Make it as short as possible while still depicting what you need to be seen:

The spinning cane whirred; it produced an immense powerful wind that repelled one of the dragons. Or else you need to add in some commas, those pesky wriggly hook-like things that indicate a pause in reading. I am not good with those! So, I go for short sentences. *Blush*

"Kaas grabbed Mark firmly on the shoulder" I think that should be 'by the shoulder'

"What is that weapon you behold?” Kaas asked Kaas beholds it, Marks holds it.




Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of The Hat  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E].

In honour of your valiant efforts in GOT, the "WDC Power Reviewers Group" Raid is dedicated to you!*Salute*

** Image ID #2049306 Unavailable **


This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: Short, succinct, simple. All pluses, and topped with the fact that the hat is central to the tale, it should make this an excellent title. But, it needed some adjective to lift it to the level of superlative excellence. Think of the last book, whose title made an impact upon you, let's just take HP IV as example: "The Goblet of Fire", how would it be titled merely, 'The Goblet'?

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning, that first paragraph has three occurrences of 'myself' and 'hat'. Repetition is all very well when it is made to increase impact, but in such close proximity it is irritating. That is not advisable so early on in the read, when he or she is not yet drawn into the tale so much that it can be glossed over.

*Flower5* The Setting: Third person and present tense, an unusual choice. It must be consistent though, or the hard work gets undone. Take:

A sound brings her out of her reverie which was not very pleasant so she welcomed the interruption, “Arf, arf, arf.”

Do you agree that there seems to be a lot of telling in there? Would a conventional choice make things easier?

Or could we have something like: Her meandering thoughts are veering to the unpleasant, so when a sound interrupts her reverie, her head whips around to welcome it: "Arf, arf, arf!"


*Flower5* The Characters: It is important for us to see the characters, to empathize with them and their circumstances. It is not enough to talk of the search for ... what was that again?

Soulmates huh? And how does Sandra decide that? Just a locking of eyes and some physical chemistry? Could we have some evidence of their characters, the likes, the dislikes, the shared traits?


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Goldie, the aptly, but unimaginatively named, golden retriever, is the one whom I could best picture. It is strange, but I could not visualize even the hat, the very core of the tale, not before Goldie's depredations, not after. Could we have some part of the words used to create mind's eye images of the main characters?

*Flower5* The Dialogue: The dialogue takes place at the end, commonplace, the usual 'Want to have a cup of coffee?' What would we do without this old stand-by pickup line? A smidgeon of humour, a shade of difference, would lift it above the ranks of those that make the cut but not the win.

*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but sometimes these points do make me re-think! There wasn't much amiss beyond the occasional missed comma, some of which are detailed in the suggestions section.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is a simple tale with a charming premise, a bit of headgear is prophesied to result in the meeting with a soulmate but has so far not proved to be living up to its potential. I think it could easily rise to a more powerful appeal.

*Flower5* What I liked: I like romance, I like animals, I like outdoor settings, especially the beach. Then there's a hint of supernatural. There's so much potential in there, I would like to see all of it realized.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Feeling overwhelmed by everything a single tear roll down her cheek." A single tear rolls down.

"Goldie, I give up you win.” A comma is perhaps required in there, after 'give up'?

"Come on Goldie we are going for coffee." Another missing/misplaced comma. How about placing one after 'come on'?

"Lost in her thoughts, Sandra does not realize the handsome, dark haired man running up behind her with his perfectly tanned muscled arm waving in the air and says, “Hey! Hey there!” Awkward long sentence. Probably the word 'realize' can be replaced by 'notice'? Who is it who says the words? And for someone who doesn't realize, the description given is detailed. So when did she notice him?



Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello ♥noVember tHiNg♥ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E].

In honour of your valiant efforts in GOT, the "WDC Power Reviewers Group" Raid is dedicated to you!*Salute*

** Image ID #2049306 Unavailable **


This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: I might have said it slightly differently, 'in the night', rather than 'of the night', it would still have the second layer of meaning to it. It was an effective title, made more intriguing by the intro. I do think contest information can best be given at the end of the write but Cramp is a contest that throws up such gems, that I'd be inclined not to carp, just this once. It did tip the scales for me, wandering through your port to pick an item to review!

*Flower5* The Beginning: If one gives physical details, a read through would be good, to see if the picture that emerges to an uniformed reader is the same as the one you intend. I was unable to picture where and how the encounter took place. There's a compartment, with an open door. There's a corridor outside. Where's the window in which the boy is reflected? In the compartment or the corridor? he peers in - he's standing, you're seated? Would you see his face reflected?

An excellent way of depicting the meeting, but perhaps too many words would be wasted in making the exact physical setting clear. It's a pity that my mind gets easily distracted by such things, perhaps most other readers will find it easier to move on to a fascinating problem.


*Flower5* The Setting: It was the expectations that made the setting, war years, the Eastern parts of Europe, a train journey, spies and terrorists. You barely alluded to it, it was my own imagination that supplied the rest, but the suggestion was subtle and well done.

*Flower5* The Characters: There are only shadow figures, like a shadow puppet play, it is the larger questions, the background score, so to say, that provides the drama. I liked your treatment very much.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: This read to me not like a story, with all its required element, but more like a reminiscence that serves as the focus for a debating viewpoint, or an essay in tolerance. But, I did not really agree, this kind of thing can be dangerous. Terrorists are adept of playing the part of the innocent and the weak, one of the worst attacks we have had in my country had just ten members, one of which was a fresh faced seventeen year old that would tweaked anyone's heart-strings. Be tolerant but not foolhardy. But the very fact that you have me debating shows that your writing was effective!

*Flower5* The Dialogue: This is one of the devices which can turn telling into showing, and I felt the lack of it in this otherwise competent tale.

*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but sometimes these points do make me re-think!

I am so glad that this is the least of most reviews, for I haven't yet been able to find a single GoT player who is not adept with the aspects of writing that make me cringe and groan. The difference between first language users and the rest of us! But, thanks for making my task easy, I just have to write off this section with a 'N/A'!


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I might even have taken it one level further, added in an element of absurd, of wild conjecture about the lad. On the second read through, and I do three or four for any review, I found myself wondering. Who was missing? Did they not mention that when they questioned? What triggered their search and questioning? Was the boy on board or was he missing? And where were that middle aged couple found? How had they been lost or left behind? Oh, it is a flash fiction piece, but at 382 words you have plenty left with which to expand. I know you won't now, but you had 'em, even then!

*Flower5* What I liked: First of all, let me tell you I find your user name, and various handles, extremely inventive and apt directors of mood. I see this one was from way back, before you became a judge for this same contest. Only one question, did you win? There are modest souls who not only do not proclaim wins in titles and intros, they even modestly refrain from a mention within the write!

I liked this for a number of reasons, it eschewed the obvious genres of mystery and intrigue and went for a touch of philosophy, a slice-of-life narration that was about 'ships that pass in the night', a favourite poem of mine!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"When our eyes met, there was a flicker of recognition, then relief when he realized I was a woman traveling alone and certainly no sort of threat" Definite head-hopping. If you were to wonder if the relief was because he recognized the lack of threat, that's fine, otherwise it's a blip in the POV.

"They tirelessly questioned each of us individually, one by one." Is that deliberate repetition, to drive home the point? If it is inadvertent, please note the tautology of 'individually' and 'one by one'.

"I smiled sympathetically, imagining that his lot in life must not be an easy one, even in the best of times, much less when the world was on the verge of yet another war, this time in Iraq." That's a pretty sweeping judgement of life in Middle Eastern Countries! I do hope it's based on some experience, not just perception from afar, or the very tolerance that is being advocated is hollow and skewed.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
15
15
Review of Bite of Vengeance  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Tiger Cub 🔱 Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E].

In honour of your valiant efforts in GOT, the "WDC Power Reviewers Group" Raid is dedicated to you!*Salute*

** Image ID #2049306 Unavailable **


This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.

*Flower5* The Title: I like the title, crisp, clear and crackling! (That last was supposed to be an allusion to your 'bite', but alas, it falls way short of the delicious pun in your intro, the 'odd' way of getting 'even'! Well done!)

*Flower5* The Beginning: I am not sure if you want to keep the narrator's identity hidden as long as possible or whether you are okay if some readers 'get' it earlier. There was one give away phrase in that marvelous beginning.For the reference to "the many marvels the people of earth have created", that told me the narrator was not one of those people. She could be from outer space, or from Earth, but not of its 'people', but she sets herself apart with those words. Might it not be safer (duller, sure, but safer) to talk of Man's creations/inventions?

I like slow languorous beginnings that can go in a number of possible directions, that contrast with the action or description of latter parts. This bit worked well. The emotion was well created, with few words.


*Flower5* The Setting: I could get the emotional part in the first few lines itself, the physical part came later and fleshed out the main character, the foil to the narrator. I think that it was pure genius to get the more difficult part of setting done at the beginning, it let one relax and enjoy the layering of detail that came later.

*Flower5* The Characters: Oh, the narrator proves true to her race, or at least the characteristics attributed to them. The revenge was pure evil, she knows just which buttons to push, does she not?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: You had to hold yourself in, the use of too much would have given away the end. I got it, not because I am a born detective but because I had attempted a similar tale, only with a twist in the opposite direction! I had added in a lot of description there, a heap of red herrings that gave it a heavy push to 'something fishy' this way comes! *Laugh* But I tend to lean to humour even in my dark tales, this one kept it lean and mean and focused on one emotion. I think it was strikingly effective!

*Flower5* The Dialogue: This was its only weak point. I am glad you had some dialogue, I find tales without dialogue losing the snappy 'now' feel that effective talking generates. But, it made the POV jump from first person to omniscient - not a biggie, but it was the only disruption of smooth narrative.

*Flower5* The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! *Laugh* So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but sometimes these points do make me re-think!

Your work, though? Impeccable. I might find a flaw somewhere if I employ a lot of time and effort, but the search would benefit neither of us. Kudos for your painstaking editing and command of the rules!


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It is short, it takes the story in a unique direction, an unexpected twist is revealed. What more can one ask? An excellent read!

*Flower5* What I liked: I love the kind of tales that feature the narrator’s kind. It is so darn hard to tell what I liked, forget why I liked it, without giving your crux away! *Laugh* I like these seeming effortless flights of fancy that are actually crafted with toil and care. I loved the ending, sweet revenge and more power to us females!

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

"Sauntering my way to the shoe rack, I made my choice." Grammatically, sauntering, or any other description of locomotion, already implies making one's way, so that’s tautology. But, what got me was that it is not consistent. It is great description, but it does not fit the character of the narrator as later revealed, not as part of the race, nor of the sub-division mentioned. It’s as if you said it of a troll, or an ogre, it just doesn’t fit. Fairy, yes, elf yes, either of the aforementioned above, no, a resounding NO! Misdirection is all very well, but when we re-read, it must ring true.

"He had to force a smile back." The problem here is that ‘forcing back a smile’ means the opposite of returning a smile, and it takes only a little shuffling to get there from what you have written. Minds are funny things, they run ahead of the eye or the finger and mess up meanings – would you care to rephrase that sentence or are you happy with it as it stands?

" she looked like the big bad wolf after it won the lottery" We just had a NL on similes, I find this one graphic, but confusing. Why would she be likened to the Big Bad Wolf – surely her obsession is not similar to his gustatory fixations on pigs? And why would BBW like winning a lottery, unless the prize was paid in pigs? I am not saying it’s not vivid or descriptive, just that it raises too many irrelevant questions.


Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
16
16
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am responding to your review request. Thanks for taking note of the fact that comedy is my favourite genre and for entrusting you item to me for a review.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: The title has a smidgeon of alliteration, it has the association of unlikely things, not the Brothers and Boyhood, but the Free-Range part of a Boyhood. It makes for a lively curiosity to find out what lies within. The intro underlines it, perhaps with too much emphasis, if it is rollicking, we can take the fun for granted, right? Otherwise, it was a job well done!

*Flower5* The Beginning: The introductory part serves to show why you think telling of your own carefree boyhood is important. But even though I am probably from that or an earlier generation, I find the minor-league injuries described scary enough. It is probably due to the gender difference, boys take 'small fractures' and 'a few stitches' as negligible, but as a woman, even as a medico, I know horseplay can lead to broken necks so easily. One of my own uncles was brain damaged by a fall from a four foot wall! So, your relating those only made sure that total free range would NOT be safe!

On the other hand the part where you say that "there was always one of us old enough to dream up crazy stunts, and--at the lower echelons--one of us naive enough to try 'em" that set some of my own memories clanging!


*Flower5* The Setting: I got an idea of the era and locale of your boyhood. But most of it revolved around bikes and daredevil stunts which are exaggerated and then shown to be fantasy. It was funny the first time, amusing the next and ho-hum by the end. You can't fool all of the people all of the time. You have a talent for making hyping things up to be amusing, that's okay. Just don't make hyperbole take the next step, to pure fantasy and fake facts.

*Flower5* The Characters: There are four boys in there, the nerd, the athlete, the artist and the brash one. I'm guessing who was the last but I am pretty sure I have you pegged! I would have liked to 'see' more of the boys than that one bland statement. Show us why Willy was nerdy and Sammy was the hunk! So on and so forth. It is a long write, there's plenty of opportunity for describing the characters who get into those sublime antics.

*Flower5* The Descriptions: Some of the descriptions, especially the similes and metaphors, were unique. At least to me, I'm from a different world altogether and the phrases stood out for vivid imagery. I am still sniggering over as useful as a screen door in a submarine!

You use repetition to good effect, like when you talk of the invigorating feel of the wind in your hair, repeat it, and then follow it up with a remark that it feels good to remember times when you had hair!

You also do the exaggeration bits well, the dream of tooling around in a tank with your little buddy, only to be told it had to be fitted with a child seat - priceless!

But, one can have too much of a good thing, and in the end it was the plethora of experiences that palled, although I too enjoyed the wordplay with random and Randy even as I groaned to know it was another tall tale!


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I was unsure if this was an essay or a story, since it did not quite produce the for and against arguments that an essay would, nor did it have a discernible Problem-Conflict-Resolution. It amused me more than a little, producing gurgling laughs and snorkles (that's a cross between a snort and a chuckle) galore!

So, did it succeed? You tell me, what are you trying to do? Convince people the good ol' days were better? Or amuse your readers with a deft re-telling of a more adventurous time? Essay? Story?


*Flower5* What I liked: I like comedy, remember? So I enjoyed the read, but I confess to skimming the latter bits to see if you were saying anything of note towards the end, a telling argument for or against text-book parenting. If you ever feel like pruning this this , and I understand if you can't - sorry!dismember this precious treasure trove of memories, another half-star would be due to you. I had to hold myself back because of wandering attention by the time I was two-thirds done

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: I just deleted that entire "Quote/unquote" section below, there's nary a niggle to be found!

I find your editing to be impressive, I could not spot any obvious typos or misspellings, no grammar errors in the main. A few spots where I might dispute comma placement if I hadn't been on the Top Ten Offender list of the Grammar Nazi myself, for misplaced commas. I also misplace other hook like things like ear-rings and coat-hangers, but there's no law against that! *Laugh*

The paragraphs and formatting are also even and neat, as are the section division. So, here's a little *Salute* for making my job easy!

Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.

*Flower3* May your words go on to shine! *Flower3*

*Flower1* Effort brings colour to Life *Flower1*
** Image ID #1548522 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
17
17
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


It was difficult to find items to review, I have been into your port before and reviewed all the short stories, much of the poetry too. On this visit even discovered one item that I had transferred to you, thanks for valuing it! I had to resort to reviewing only poetry and I feel like a sportswriter sent to review a ballet! I do hope I can still offer some insight, even if I don't know a pas-de-poisson from an arabesque!

*Flower5* The Title: I always thought that is was 'there's no rest for the wicked', and interpreted that to mean that their guilt-ridden nerves did not allow them to gain the refreshment of a smooth sleep. I thought this would be a play on words, that those who are not rested are weary for sure! It caught the attention all right, I am just not sure how apt it was after the read. Who was weary? The parent birds, or the foster parent, you? And aren't all parents equally harried? I know I forgot about sleep until my kids were well past leave the nest stage by bird standards! *Laugh*

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Oh, this one is well within my limits, even I can recognize this most basic pattern, a-b-c-b. It is attractive too, sometimes more than the other favourite, a-b-a-b, the dot and carry pattern being striking, more than the da-dum-da-dum of the more perfect paired rhyme. End rhyme, simple and pleasing. It is only that last verse that makes one stop and blink, for that unexpected fifth lie that undoes the pattern achieved before. It is as though the knitter dropped stitches in the very last row, the border of the garment - it shows up in stark contrast. It must therefore be deliberate, some device which I am not familiar with - like a title line, or summary.

*Flower5* The Rhythm: The most basic rhythm is cadence, that one can experience when reading out the item aloud. I love Dr. Seuss for his sublime ability to make a read sing-song. Did I sense that here, sadly, no. I had to then resort to the slow and painful count-out-the-syllable-method. I even use fingers to do that, *hangs head in shame*! is it here? Isn't it there? 4-5-4-5. Then 6-4-4-6. Followed by 6-4-6-4. I give up. It's both! I did say I was out of my depth remember, so if you could add in a small foot-note as to the form attempted and its requirements, it might help inept reviewers like me!

*Flower5* The Form: Hrrmph! We Review-guys have this embargo upon how many times we can make excuses, I seem to have violated this already. But, if this is some exotic Quatrain variation, it is not readily discernible. Those of you who are adept must help budding poets and struggling reviewers by stating the form and format, preferably in a footnote.


*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: It's about Killdeer. I had a moment of fright, wondering if it was about some predators, that, (what else?), killed deer! *Blush* Thank God for Google - I was prevented from ending up making myself into a complete and spectacular fool. So - birds, parenting, travails thereof, human too, and the happy ending, not once but twice. A simple rendition that made a vivid picture - enough to make this city girl envious of your ability to be that little bit closer to nature. All we have are pigeons and crows!

*Flower5* What I liked: It was awww-some. I mean it made one think of all the emotion high things like protecting one's young and nurturing, the bay-like things that make one go 'Awwww!'

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Note1* "This vicious cycle" I thought that term referred more to a cyclic event that perpetuates itself, not necessarily a literal and evil cycle of events? Here it is used to refer to prey-predator interaction. Was the word choice deliberate? Or was it unintentional?

*Note1* The reference to the chicks, the baby birds, scattering by day, no time for play, seemed out of place to me. Mammals play as they grow up, birds are not so gregarious, play is not a part of their growing up. And Killdeer chicks are supposed to be able to forage soon after birth, precocious by definition. So this made me stop and think!


Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn/House Stark Ally raid review.
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18
18
Review of For Mike  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ Author Icon }, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. This is an ally raid review for House Arryn/House Stark


*Flower5* The Title: A tribute, that much is clear from the title. But the intro makes one wonder who is Mike and why was the tribute sent anonymously? I am hoping to find some answers within the write.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: Another quatrain with a-b-c-b pattern of rhyme. I have nothing against simple, some of the most successful fashion designers have created a niche for themselves with this kind of showcasing of some single element like fabric or fall. Even architects have made it their manta, clean lines, simple design that still raises itself above the square or cubic symmetry that bores the jaded eye.

To rise above the herd there much be that one distinguishing feature, to change the ho-hum yawn to the dropped jaw of wonder. What would you say was that feature in this rendition?


*Flower5* The Rhythm: 4-4-5-6, 4-5-6-6, 4-5-4-6. I wanted to find it, I looked for it by ear, then by eye and count, but it was beyond me to discern a pattern beyond the random. It was not so far off that it displeased, just that it did not achieve that pleasing recognition of cadence and meter.

*Flower5* The Form: A tribute Poem, there's nothing that dictates the form it must take. But whatever form it takes, to be a tribute, it must strive, it must show the effort to achieve something worthy of the person whom it lauds. If you have done it and it is not visible, it is as good as not doing it. It's like creating a beautiful statue, but displaying it within a box, an opaque one.


*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: Did I see your friend? Who is he, what is he, why is he so important to you? How is he different from other friends, and I am sure you have a legion! This has a pretty ribbon, that lauds its imagery, but other than the the terms 'angel', 'friend in need', 'behind the scenes', I could not see much description. To me, imagery would mean phrases which created a vivid and striking image, a catchy turn of phrase, a metaphor, a simile. Instead of just 'angle', maybe angel-without-wings, or whatever phrase you think brings him to life.

*Flower5* What I liked: Who does not like to read a tribute? But if you think of the plaques honour some, there is always some allusion to who they were and why they are honoured, even an ending sentiment for their continued well-being, whether in this world or the next. It would have taken this from the merely likeable to the heights of the lauded if this poem had contained those nuggets of information.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Note1* I cannot quote much here, since the poem itself is a bare twelve lines, of four or five words each. But, the bits of information that do exist bewilder one, the friend works behind the scenes, but does not know the worth of what he does, he is far off but returns year after year. It was good to sip from this sweet offering, but I needed more for satiety, more for that feeling of replete awe at a well crafted concoction.


Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn/House Stark Ally raid review
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
19
19
Review of The Sea  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ~WhoMe???~ Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: Short, simple, clear. Titles like that tend to be effective. But it lacks the impact of unusual word combination or imagery. "Depths Of The Sea" would be both profound and clear, not too lengthy either. "Songs Of The Sea" would be lyrical. Anything more, just to raise it from the mundane levels of an essay title to the poetic level demanded of both the contest and the subject. For the subject has been tackled so often, by so many seasoned poets, that one has to have that little extra to stand out.

*Flower5* The Rhyme: I am beginning to think this is your favoured choice, but one must strive to push beyond one's comfort zone, the results can surprise one. And simple may be superficially easy, but is is difficult to carry off precisely because of its simplicity. After all, a simple white A-line sundress is not something that everyone can carry off, nor is the ubiquitous LBD (little black dress) a number that all can don and be sure to be the one that stands out. a-b-c-b - why not try internal rhyme aa-b-c-b, or even a mirroring a-b-b-a? Be adventurous, try cinquains, triolets - one doesn't want to be a one-trick pony for all the skills shown in that one trick.

*Flower5* The Rhythm: I did not know much about rhythm before I came to the site, even now, stressed and unstressed count, the strict meter, is beyond me. But syllable count - that is not too difficult to achieve. It adds another dimension to the piece in that it makes reading aloud a pleasure. Poetry is meant to be shared, read aloud. The first verse itself is 3-4-5-4, so I stop searching for a pattern.

*Flower5* The Form: The Quotation contest on site gives one a month to refine one's entries. There's lots of room for lengthier poetry too. You have short lines, if you condensed them, making each two lines into one, you'd get a-a-b-b rhyme from the current one. If you tried for an even meter, easier with longer lines, say pentameter, it adds another dimension to the write. The longer lines allow imagery, more than just a 'loud fog horn', one could have 'fog rent by its raucous horn'. If you wish to stand out from the crowd one must pull out these devices and more, alliteration, enjambment, internal rhyme - you name it! I think the eventual winner was a shape poem of a diving whale!


*Flower5* The Poem as a Whole: Either someone who has spent eighteen years at sea or beside the sea, or someone eighteen years old. Someone who is fascinated by the sea, yes, it seems strange, but there are people who can take it or leave it! It is a day of decision, one that has been dreamed of for years, either they are setting out for their first sail or last one, it can be interpreted either way.


*Flower5* What I liked: Oh, I love the sea and its myriad moods, I cannot imagine not living by the sea! Thanks for making me aware of it again, vicariously.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Note1*

"Laying here waiting,
the waves calling to me."


Should that not be 'lying here'? Or is that another Americanism that passes by hose of us who still cling to the Queen's English?


Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn/House Stark Raid review
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20
20
Review of Anomanunka  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: An unusual name, it appears to be from another language, place and even perhaps, time. The syllables run into each other well and the entire word is euphonious. Beyond that not much can be gleaned, however the terse intro immediately confirms the first impressions and we await a tale of another people, the Native Americans.

*Flower5* The Beginning: For a legend of the Tribes, it begins with the settlers, so the viewpoint is dramatically different from the expected. Rather than being introduced to the native setting and people, we see instead the young couple who have settled, inexplicably, far north of the 'village'. The settler village, presumably, since the house is raided by Mohawks from the west.

I found the details sparse and insufficient to deal with the burgeoning questions. Why did they live outside the village when within reach of a hostile tribe? What 'wares' did they produce? It was occasional too, this setting off to sell his wares. So, why not take his wife with him, rather than leave her alone and unprotected? There was no time for empathy with the trials and tribulations of the young couple to develop, before the marauders swoop in.

Unless there was a strict word limit, it might have helped to flesh out this part a little.


*Flower5* The Setting: Well, I did not see much of the homestead, the original home of the couple. The action shifts to the inhabitation of the Indians with the husband's inevitable rescue mission. So, are we transported there? No, not even though the tale unfolds over many years.

Folk tales are often told by a 'Narrator', who naturally has to include a lot of telling in his relation. Yet, it is not impossible to add showing. For example: "Now Anomanunka was with the chief for many years, and served his master with dignity" A para or so later, we learn that many years passed and the chief was getting old, the same information, again 'told' to us. Could one learn, instead, that ...

The leaves on the trees changed colour many times, countless moons rose, waxed and waned over that huddle or wigwams. Yet, Anomamunka served served his chief, one whose creaking bones warned of passing time.

You can expand on the as much as you want, but I thought the tale could use a little spicing. Rice pudding is filling, but a few nuts and raisins, a swirl of honey, will make it a tempting treat too!


*Flower5* The Characters: The young Algonquin farmer, what made him what he was, so content to serve his life out amongst people who must have been alien to him? How come he never attempted escape? Or to free his wife from conditions that might have been less acceptable to her? (What are customs of Native Americans towards captured women? Would they use her, abuse her? They treat him harshly at first, and do not know about his wife, why would they not?) How could he know there would be a favourable resolution? It was hard to understand the working since we are given no glimpse into the workings of his mind.

There is an entire paragraph devoted to the chief's reaction to the farmer's stoic bearing of their physical punishment, how he 'rages and storms' for a day because the man gives him an inexplicable one word answer when asked to say something for himself after the torture. Why did it disturb him so? I just could not 'get' inside any one character's head.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Well, where are they? What did the protagonist, the strong silent hero, look like? What was his wife like? How old were they? What was their home like, the one in the mountains? Was it sod, wood, stone? What was the chief like? What was the settlement like and where was it? Near a stream? Or in a grove of trees?

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Oh, my questions went on and on, why did the Mohawks raid just that once, how come we don't hear of any more after that? Was it common for them to stay in one place for so long if they did raid more often? What of retribution from the whites?

It is a tale with scope for so much quiet wisdom, of a gentle relation of things of which we know little. A young man loves his wife enough to accept torture, to accept alienation from all that he knows, to accept enslavement, for the mere hope that he can just 'be' with her one day. But to succeed, it had to make me believe that his attributes are virtues, that this was the best way to deal with things. It needed detail of character and description of inner workings. Why it became a legend is also not clear. Was it the romance? Or was it his strength of mind, his stoic acceptance of fate? Or the long delayed explanation of the word he utters, that mysterious theism that drives him?


*Flower5* What I liked: The image in the beginning, what looked like symbols or characters from another culture, the name that echoes the same. The end, where the meaning is explained, and the image is tied into it, that part was the highlight. If the rest had lived up to this ...

I also applaud your humility that does not flaunt that worthy ribbon in my face, for you are enshrined not only as a Rising Star, but as the best of them for a particular month. Congratulations on your win! The same tale that won those plaudits might have scores who get the atmosphere and theme better than I have, but I sincerely believe that if some description is added none of them would cavil at the end result.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Shield2* "In the northern reaches of Vermont, back in the hills, there lived a young Algonquin farmer and his wife, their home well north of the local village." It is the very beginning, the first few words one reads. It reads like a sing-song folk tale all right, except for that last phrase. It might be better to split that up into two sentences, with an intervening line or two either describing the house or the reason why they had built it 'well north of the local village'.


*Shield2* "On the last day tied to the pole, the high chief of the Mohawk came to the farmer and questioned the young man." Well, it was the last day tied to the pole because he was freed thereafter, but we cannot get ahead of the story. It is a good opportunity to flesh out both characters if a little confrontation is described, gazes interlocking, the nature of each, different but equally inflexible.


*Shield2* "The farmer said very little, and often answered the chief with a single word." Now, why was that single word so important to utter, like the name and rank that captured soldiers are allowed to impart? Was he half-crazed by the torture and beating, was he unable to speak past cracked lips and swollen parched tongue? He explains it only years later, so was it to remind himself of the allegiance? Why answer at all if you know your captors cannot understand you?


*Shield2* "Anomanunka picked up a stick, and drew in the dirt before him.

One strait line."
It should be 'straight', and you get it correct when he draws the second line.



This is an ally review for House Arryn/House Martell

Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn
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House Arryn image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
21
21
Review of Framing  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: Framing. This is a title that could have two meanings, I like that kind of story. Especially if there's some confrontation or thrilling element as is suggested. The intro is terse and short, it would fit that concept that is building in my mind, the 'turning things around'.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is actually the middle, because it begins in the near present and we have to go back to find out how we got there. It is an accepted way of telling a tale, in fact it often provokes a curiosity that's inherent in most readers.

*Flower5* The Setting: So where was it set, and when? If we do some Math, with the grandfather taking over the store in 1924, and then giving it up during the war years, adding seventy years of none of the that family making good, that brings us well into the present. But it is still a time of barns being held by slats and pegs and things like that, no drills and plates or metal struts. What about emotional setting, what drives the main character? What did he do after school? Why did he drift to weekly presence in bars and how did he have the money to do that?

*Flower5* The Characters: Was Mrs Bennett rich or not? Why not hire more people if she needed them, why depend on a volunteer turning up? Why was she afraid of Jimmy if she holds the purse strings?

What of the narrator, what did he do in between his leaving high school and the present? He must be a geek, if he despises Jimmy for his athletic prowess, in not one but two games. Or was he good in neither academics nor games? Yet, the girl, introduced so late in the tale, 'remembers' him. We are not told how or why.

The boy, man, remembers little before 'seven years ago' when he lost his dad. Yet, Jimmy is etched clear in his head. Why does he not remember his childhood, was he abused? Or were the later years so event filled?

When telling a tale, a few loose ends are inevitable, but too many and the reader keeps tripping over them. Do go in and tie up a few.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Telling versus showing. Why is it called Story-telling, if relation is such a no-no? Well, it takes the reader into the telling, if showing is added in places. If one remembers the folk tales of yore, the audience often interrupted with questions about what the palace was like, or how beautiful was the princess, and the story-teller went on with that showing. It's just a little twist of words that is required in our tales, written ones, these days:

'We approached until we were forced to stop in yard as the dust became thick enough to prevent us from safely driving any further' Well, the previous sentence had you 'hopping' into a vehicle and 'high-tailing' up a road, both show intense desire to reach somewhere in haste. Good work. But this part - it includes telling that can be converted to that earlier level of reader involvement. Say:

Our frenzied rush slowed and halted as dust billowed thick in front of us. I wasn't willing to rush in where even fools could not see to tread.

Sometimes it is character description that jars: "Just like Jimmy. He’d always been like that. A little bit of gumption and a lot of daddy’s money, and people start to think they own the world." Where does Jimmy show the spirited initiative or resourcefulness that gumption implies? And it is a good quality, it doesn't match with the scathing summing up - of thinking they own the world! Even Jimmy 'lettering' in two sports and getting into management college with little effort, those are not things to be looked down upon at all, there's more than Daddy's money to him after all. Make us loathe Jimmy, make him second string in football, by virtue of size rather than ability, make his Daddy have to buy his admission into college, make him nearly expelled but his father makes a donation to keep him in school/college. Make him have hangers-on who are like him, high on swagger, low on foreheads, with IQs to match the latter.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I wondered if this was an installment in a longer tale, one that had chapters explaining many of the questions that reared their heads, here? That seems to be borne out by the ending, which is not exactly a resolution, but the path to it, a hope for a turn in the road. If that is so, then a number of my quibbles go flying out of the window. If it is a stand alone tale, it needs to be propped up with more characterization and setting.

*Flower5* What I liked: It took me back to simpler days at times, before the troubles of mechanization and so called progress. The present does intrude upon it at times, with locker room and school bullying carrying over into a present so reminiscent of 'Back To The Future'

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Shield2* "We approached until we were forced to stop in yard as the dust became thick" 'In the yard', would be the better term.


*Shield2* "I had busted trough and proved myself up to the task." I presume that is 'busted through'? Trough is a valid word, but it did not quite fit in with proving oneself.


*Shield2* "My father and grandfather had rode the coattails of whomever they could" Well the West was never known for purity of spoken language, and if this was to fit in with dialect, I apologise. If inadvertent, the grammar is awkward, and the sentence does not read well.


*Shield2* "I thought I had everything in hand until I took a dive off one of a roof truss and into a shallow hay pile" 'Off of a' is not wrong in its own way, merely awkward to read. When it becomes 'off one of a' it increases the confusion. It would be one of many, surely, so why not make it simpler - 'off a roof truss'? The language also seems to vacillate between today, 'with slime ball' and the rural pockets of a couple of decades ago, 'grand pappy'


*Shield2* "to work in the big mills out of state putting airplanes together" Mills are associated with cloth and wool production, airplane part construction or assembly would be in a factory, would it not?


*Shield2* " My hands were shaking; the veins in my face flush with blood" A good bit of showing, but the semi-colon requires the second part to stand by itself, as a sentence. That would require the insertion of a verb, perhaps, 'the veins in my face were flushed with blood'? As that word, flush, stand, it might even be confused with the sense of 'being level with the surface'.


*Shield2* "And with that, we managed to bun away an hour or so" 'Burn away'

*Shield2* "Then I heard him yell “What are looking at?” " What are you looking at?

This is an ally review for House Arryn/House Martell

Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.
House Arryn image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of Jolene!  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: It is a simple name, probably the main character's, a popular choice of title. In Rebecca it remained in the mind because it proves to be the name of a character never seen in the tale, and little spoken of, who is yet central to the whole story. Here it is the exclamation mark, the urgent imperative that takes the title to the next level and differentiates it from the myriad others who make the same choice.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning could have been softer, could have dwelt on the happier early moments of the relationship, when he was a star jock and she, one of the Queen Bee's cohort, pretty and admiring. A little lingering in the romantic past would contrast well with the harsh stark future-less present.

*Flower5* The Setting: The present is clear, the spouse who dominates and the one who has been abused into trembling obedience. There are bits that do not ring quite true, when the pattern is set, the abused one knows not to break it, takes extreme care not to. So a reason for the 'stock' of beer bottles being low, with none chilled beforehand, would be good. An accident, a malfunctioning fridge, low funds, or a combination of all three?

*Flower5* The Characters: I need to empathize with main characters, especially if they have to take actions that are not within narrow definitions of right and wrong. Mere abuse is not enough for me to want Jolene to reach redemption, or release. I need to see that she has been ground down despite attempts to rise, that none of her present misery is due her lack of gumption, her presumption that marriage was the goal and the Man was to be the provider. I felt sorry for Ed, a lost chance at education, forced into marriage before he was ready, a menial job and an injury that precludes even that. But at least he tried. What did she do?

*Flower5* The Descriptions: What did Ed look like when young, what did she see in him and he in her? What are they reduced to, now? The dialogue and interactions give a bit of glimpse into the current situation, but it is not enough.

*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It starts off with two young people, she has fallen for a star athlete, one who has his entry into college clear, only the war intervenes in the dream. But things fall apart after that, what with a shotgun wedding, a miscarriage, a menial job, back-injury, and the inevitable slide into self-pity, drinking and abuse. We enter at this point, seeing his now miserable existence, and hers, trapped in his cycle, no future. How she decides to get out of it and whether she can be happy thereafter is the tale.

One query, after service, were people who had college admissions prior to the draft, not allowed to finish college? Did the armed services not promote education for those who wanted it? Especially when there was no child to support, could she not have taken up a job and let him do that?

One other thing that made me wonder, the end is clearly written and pronounced, he has a year to go at the most, from liver cirrhosis. So, why is there an urgency, after twenty years of enduring the abuse, to get out of it now? Is there hope of another man, but one who may be out of reach soon? And the means, certainly not sure death, for alcohol and painkillers are more likely to exacerbate each others' side effects, like gastritis.


*Flower5* What I liked: It is a tale that is not uncommon, one told in the urgent present, a blow-by-blow account that hits hard. There's a solution, one that many other abused wives must have contemplated, and in one despairing moment, she takes the way out. Whether or not it is a resolution is not for us to query, the lead up to the climatic end is well delineated and presented.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Shield2* "they soon found themselves in the middle of a real live shotgun wedding. Complete with shotgun." It has been already stated that the wedding was 'a real live shotgun' one, so the next sentence loses much of its drama. It might be used as misdirection, one normally associates the father of the bride to hold the shotgun, what if here it was the mother of the groom , maybe even the groom himself, who was the one insisting on the marriage, to make things come right? Like: Only it was his mother, a real stickler for the 'correct thing' who held the gun to our heads.


*Shield2* "It had been two and a half weeks since Ed put her in the hospital overnight with a pair of cracked ribs and a fractured arm." Wouldn't that arm be in a cast, then? I did not see mention of one.


*Shield2* " and she was a running." Either ' was a-running' or 'was running'



This is an ally review for House Arryn/House Martell

Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.
House Arryn image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
23
23
Review of DOMINO EFFECT  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Donkey Hoetay Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such. I am honoured that you chose to request a review from me.


*Flower5* The Title: I liked the title a lot, it seems simple on the surface, a direct reference to the common usage of that term. As far as that goes, tied in with the brief intro, it created curiosity. But after the read, it was not only apt, the dominoes being central to the tale, but it also had a second layer of meaning - the effect of Buffer's various misdeed's.

*Flower5* The Beginning: The beginning is slow, an old man returning from his fishing trip, he had his routine, as many old people do. The central character introduced, some fleshing out of his nature and habits, a little about his ways of dealing with things. It eased into the action that comes later - considering it is set in the Caribbean - the slow pace at the beginning was befitting.

*Flower5* The Setting: I am not much aware of what that place looks like, or feels, but going by some of our own coastal fishing villages and towns, the setting seemed likely. The breadfruit tree did it for me, more than the coconut palms.

*Flower5* The Characters: The layers are peeled away, the relationship between the main players is shown in stepped revelations. I liked Miah, that is a big plus in my opinion, to make me like, empathize and root for the main character. I was in total agreement with his attitude and only admired him for his restraint. Well done!

The only thing that I felt was out of place was the father-son bond, or was it the lack of it? If the father hates/despises and ignores the son, how does that son count on his father's support and become a bully? Yes, the relationship can be ambivalent, a line or two can explain that. For instance, when Miah is reminiscing at the end, he could remark, 'you always despised that boy, but you tried to cover that up by indulging him in all his little misdemeanours. That's another wrong you can't right.' Or whatever you feel is appropriate.

I need to applaud the dialogue here, it was just different enough in manner and usage for one to think of it as a different dialect. Yet, it was not so complex that one needed footnotes or a glossary. Another job well done!


*Flower5* The Descriptions: Miah, I saw him in 3-D, I heard him, I was him.devices like a nick-name or a jeer to tell us that he has lost the use of one eye. You use simple ways of showing ... say Buffer's girth and height, so easily glimpsed with: "Big Buffer Hackett filled the room when he entered." All the characters are well delineated, Twig, the scrawny bully, Buffer and Miah.

I even saw the two who were no longer there, Eleanor and Linda.


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: I thought this was a well conceived and crafted tale, the various bits leading up to it are in the past but are inserted into the present well. each question and answer reveals one more event, one more domino. It kept one gripped until the end.

Please read a simple rule first enunciated by Chekov, referred to as Chekov's Gun. Simply put, it states that if something is placed within the tale, it must be shown to be relevant, or else removed. In that regard, I had a couple of questions: Who was the person referred to in Miah's second question, who was falsely accused and tortured into accepting blame?

If Linda ran away only ten years ago, as Buffer claims, did she live with him as his wife for some time? What took Buffer so long to do the ultimate deed, the one that made her disappear?


*Flower5* What I liked: I like the suspense and build up to the climax. I like the denouement, the classic revelation so beloved to mystery tales. There's a twist or two to the tale, and at least one is worthy of a *Salute*! Worthy of Jeffrey Archer himself, who I think is past master at this kind of tale. And the end, with Scotty's, or Twig's, reactions, that was a superb way to end it. Thank yu for giving me such an entertaining piece to review! There were a couple of typos and misplaced commas, some awkward construction, but nothing that took away my ability to enjoy the tale.

*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -: Just some examples of what types of errors need attention.

*Shield2* } "I found her Buffer! I buried her Buffer!" I think a comma might be needed in there, in both sentences. It would make it more dramatic and clear, too. Thus: I found her, Buffer! I buried her, Buffer!

*Shield2* "Every afternoon he stopped peddling at the same point in the village on his way back home from his boat in the bay." If the phrases were rearranged the meaning would be clearer. Like: Every afternoon, on his way back home from his boat in the bay, he stopped peddling at the same point in the village. It's a tiny change, but it makes that beginning crisp in clarity.

*Shield2* "His sweaty shirt clung to his back as he had no strength left to ride over the small hill ahead" 'as he had no strength' implies that that lack led to what was described before, 'his sweaty shirt clung to his back'. Try replacing that 'as' with a semi-colon, now it makes better sense.

*Shield2* "His skinny bareback" If it is bareback riding, the use of one word is appropriate, if, as here, it describes an uncovered body part, it would be better written as 'bare back'

*Shield2* I can't copy that entire second bit of story, the one where action and dialogue are one long continuous part, no line breaks, no para breaks. It looks clean, and makes for easier reading if you give a one line inter-space between each dialogue bit. You can keep the action arranged into paras with the corresponding bit of dialogue.

*Shield2* "He left more silently than he arrived." I think adverbs do not make for strong description, to then qualify that adverb, 'more silently' makes it as capable of standing up as cooked spaghetti. Silent is an absence of noise, what can be more than that? Try to add in metaphor or simile. 'He had gone, a shadow when he came, a ghost when he left.' I am not dictating the words to be used, just trying to show how such devices can add to impact.


Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.
House Arryn image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
24
24
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Donkey Hoetay Author Icon }, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: There's gangsta talk in the tale, does it exist in the title? I am totally clueless, since it is two levels of understanding from the language we hear in my country. But, do not words have to be separated in such talk? Are apostrophes not used? I would be familiar with "Wolf In Sheep's Clothing: Wooing With Wool". But the title works in attracting my attention because it takes a well known idiom in an unexpected direction, it uses the attractive alliterative device, one that is pleasant to both eyes and ear. Since this is an audio blog, that helps. Your intro is just perfect, it reveals enough to intrigue but makes us pursue the rest, like that flash of ankle that was beloved in the Victorian era!

*Flower5* The Beginning: It starts off in a chatty way, but only serves to confuse. It is a blog that's 'not for everyone' and is yet being aired without restriction. The name is unimportant, but is given anyway? I am not trying to nitpick, but beginnings must be perfect in presentation and impact. I wonder if the wolf could instead start off with the warning that the prudes and squeamish listeners would do better to switch off, that the content might shock many. And that he'd prefer not to revel his identity, so just to call him Louie.

*Flower5* The Setting: There's the physical, the sheepfold and the fields, yes, we can visualize that. Then there's the emotional, the love-sick sheep struck sap (say that six times, quick!) - it's pure zany invention, and fun all the way!

*Flower5* The Characters: Why Louie? Is there an allusion in there I am not getting, one of those animal puns? Sheila means female, both in slang and from European origin, so that sat well enough. Shauna, Sheldon, all 'Sh' starts to the name. Is there a reason, or was it random choice? In anthropomorphic tales, names make a lot of impact. Think of Rudyard Kipling or A A Milne. It need not be quite as simplistic, but some visible inspiration would help.

The wolf is the 'voice' of the tale, and there's no pun intended there! So, he stands out, a lead character. But the others are mere stick figures by comparison, they need to be fleshed out (ouch, really, still no intended pun!)


*Flower5* The Descriptions: I was chortling all the way through the read, I did not need sentences heavy with adjectives and laden with metaphor to appreciate this. There's a lot said with a few words, like the exhortation to perfect the 'tail tuck technique'. Another deft use of alliteration and a perfect image of how a wolf in sheep's clothing might give himself away, also love the double-layered meaning in the way it could 'give you away in a flash'!

There are lots of other places with gems like this but I can't insert too many 'spoilers', can I?


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: It's what the intro says it is, an exclusive blog for wolves who have a 'thing' for sheep, romantically rather than gastronomically. The angle of making it an audio blog and making the wold talk in gansta style was unique. I think a few 'noises off', like on radio shows, could have also been brought in. But, that's a minor quibble.

*Flower5* What I liked: Yep, there are some animal puns in there. And, I plead guilty to have surfed the net for jokes which helped me weave one or two into my own tales! But, that was not the high point of this read, amusing as the puns were (I laugh almost as hard each time I hear a well told joke, it's all in the delivery!), but the varieties of sheep-talk you mention! Yeah, I have come across the ones who go 'Meeennh' and not 'Baaahh'!

I also liked the way you neatly tied up the other 'wolf' stories, The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Red Riding Hood, The Three Pigs.


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Note1* "And yes those were animal puns of which I am very good at." Hmm, is this some slang or jargon I am unable to 'catch'? To be grammatical, remove the 'of' and relocate the 'at' to that point, thus: 'And yes those were animal puns ofat which I am very good at."'

*Note1* "if you gonna skeedadle or stand and fight if the jig is up." I know I said the lingo was not my smart point, but there are auto-spell checks to help me out. Mine said that should be 'skedaddle'. Wasn't that part of Western, Cowboy-style lingo? Or is it common to both?

*Note1* "Hmmm, why is her tail wagging away like that? wWho is she talking to?" The sentence ends with the query mark, therefore the 'who' should be capitalized.

*Note1* "When they vacate(,) I can just move in with the missus(,) rent free." Reading aloud often helps to identify potential comma placement. I think a couple might be needed in there, for maximum effect, natural pauses when talking or reading aloud. I have added paired brackets to show where I would insert them.

*Note1* "Heh... scared the bejewels out of them" Bejeweled I am familiar with, and scared the 'bejeezus' is a term I have heard although the word is equivalent to a mild oath. This version was new to me, again, is there an allusion I am not getting?


Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.
House Arryn image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
25
25
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Donkey Hoetay Author Icon, my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! Author Icon and I am part of a reviewing activity for "Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.

Thanks for requesting a review from me, I am pleased to comply. This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.


*Flower5* The Title: The name, Rorschach, is already known to me because of his famed ink-blots! So I did not need the intro to tell me it was an encounter between a psychiatrist and a patient from the hinterlands - I was prepared for an entertaining tale! There is alliteration in the title, the two persons in the interaction are incongruous, the contrast bodes well for something out of the ordinary. After the read, the title was apt. I think this title worked on all levels.

*Flower5* The Beginning: It is trite, but true, that beginnings are the equivalent of the first impression at interviews, they must be impeccable. The construction of the first sentence, maybe even the first para, must be flawless. The meaning must be crystal clear. The setting, or the main character, or some intense action must be captured within.

"As he put his arm through the left sleeve of the doctor's coat, he heard a faint knock on the glass partition at the reception area of the office."

Would you say this complied with those requirements? There's bit of deliberate misdirection in there, but it is rather obvious, or it was to me. The twist in the tale untwisted itself for me, because of that. In the interests of of not adding a spoiler, I shall not be more explicit in a public review.

Then, all the bit about glass partitions and reception area, was it vital to have all that information right there? Yes, it tells us he was not near the door, but the 'faint knock' would have implied it, if we were not to be later shown that it was a timidity on the part of the patient that led to the faintness.

Short and succinct is good at the start.


*Flower5* The Setting: You did sufficient work to let us visualize the workplace, the psychiatrist's office. The emotional setting was also made clear with internal dialogue in the early part.

*Flower5* The Characters: I think this is where you did a great job. Not in the exact descriptions, but in the way the characters moved into the tale and melded from one role to another. The expectations of meeting the famed psychiatrist or the redneck patient were met and exceeded. I especially liked the puns on the names towards the end.

Again, in the interests of not playing spoilsport, no details are given.


*Flower5* The Descriptions: There's a lot of action, some of it brought to life by apt description the similes used being within our sphere of reference. Like:
"her eyes rolled back into their sockets fully so that only the whites were visible. Then, inexplicably, they popped forward like the reptile eyes in a slot machine,"

I could almost hear the 'Cha-ching!' of the next bit of action! Well done!


*Flower5* The Story as a Whole: Oh you did a good job for sure, building up the suspense and tension, having the confrontation and then easing into it again! It's a tad on the long side, if you like, try the 'pruning' exercise. Ruthlessly try to reduce it to two-third of its current length, see if the tale suffers. Put back what you feel is essential, but in shorter crisper sentences.

The POV is not clear, obviously head-hopping is required, I give you that, but not at all the points I saw. For example, early on, when the patient comes in ...

So far we had been in the head of the male protagonist, he put on the white coat, straightened his tie and prepared to answer the knock at the door. Now, with any need, there's an abrupt shift:

"A woman in her mid forties stood smiling in the waiting area ... Relieved to be out of the cool morning mist of fall weather, she extended her hand."

There also might be a few commas required here and there, but except for some minimal editing, this tale is alive and ready to go!

Just one observation: Dead bodies do NOT bleed, certainly not enough for a welling tide of liquid!


*Flower5* What I liked: I like tales which have a building crescendo of tension that then go in quite and unexpected direction. It was well done, the misdirection, and not just once at that!

I liked the non-end ending too, to leave something to the imagination gets the reader firmly on your side, ready to dispose of inconvenient bodies and tidy up the crime scene before authority or normalcy, returns!


*Flower5* Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:

*Note1* ""Just a minute, be right there," he answered back" I think the last word is a tautology, it is like 'replying', one does not 'reply back'!

*Note1* "She sank that gold plated metal spike thoroughly into the flesh of his thigh." It was a long time before I could be persuaded to abandon the adverb. I'd whine, "It is part of correct grammar, surely it is intended to be used?" Agreed, said my reviewers, but only if it adds to the meaning. Try to cut it out and see if the sentence is still as vivid and clear. Replace it with an adjective, over here, maybe: 'sank it deep', or 'plunged' instead of sank? Because sinking/plunging is thorough enough without further qualification.

*Note1* "twirled the dagger gracefully" Same comments as above. 'She gave a graceful twirl of the dagger' might be a better option, if you must use something to qualify that verb. Twirling itself implies grace and dexterity. (I'd prefer dextrous as description myself, since it is serious attack at the moment, but that's your choice)

*Note1* "Aah, winter is knocking Ms. Arnold, it's chilly today eh?" he said as he opened her chart" 'Winter is knocking, Ms Arnold. It's chilly today, eh?' he observed, as he opened her chart.

I added in a couple of commas there, reading aloud helps identify potential errors. And I have a bit of a 'thing' against 'he said' she said' dialogue tags. Not that they are incorrect in any way.

I do not have a section that deals with action, so I am tackling it here. There's a bit of intense struggle in the tale, dealt with in one breathless, but long, paragraph. I think you would keep the attention of the reader better to split it into tow or three.


Please sip the review at will, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
House Arryn
"Game of ThronesOpen in new Window.
House Arryn image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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