The character building was great. I was annoyed by Hilary from the get go. Finding out that she was the one who bought the cell phone for Sam just made her all the more obnoxious!
Sam himself struck me as a bit of a pushover, an easy-going guy who wasn't particularly happy, but wasn't particularly miserable either.
The jacket was well-presented and described. The warm feeling it emanated and the change in Sam's personality when he was wearing it were great. It gave me the chills just thinking about it.
I found this a well put together and written piece.
Definitely a fun bit! Written much like the a bit of breaking news - as it is supposed to be. I enjoyed the various snippets of info from different parts of the country and how people were reacting to the dragon invasion across the country. Nicely done!
This is a pretty good piece, I enjoyed the descriptions but longed for more detail. To me, this hinted at a bigger story and I would love to see it expanded.
I would like to know more about the time of magic, perhaps even the story of the final downfall of the Druids.
I really enjoyed the concept of the Druid fading away, it was nicely explained and vividly described.
I would recommend line breaks in between your paragraphs to improve readability. You should also consider reading it out loud and double checking your tense in a couple of places.
Okay, I admit it... At first I was a bit disappointed thinking this to be just another rehashing of the urban legend, well written, but still just the same old thing. Then, to my delight you turned it right around putting an imaginative new spin on things! I love the concept of the "hero" being the true danger, and the mechanism in the car was quite imaginative.
I absolutely loved the line about Chevy mating season. That was classic and made me laugh despite the tension of the story.
This story read aloud very well, it has a nice flow and is written so that a child can easily understand. In fact, I read it out loud to my son as he had his breakfast!
I really liked the characters names, very cute and witty. Also they were solving a "problem" that many children can relate to. Eating the same things day in and day out with little or no variety to spice things up is also something children do to themselves! For years I would only eat one kind of sandwich-peanut butter and jelly!
I noticed that you have at least one other Alpha Pets story and I'm sure that I'll return to your port to read it as well. My son clapped and laughed as I read to him and although he's too young to give his opinion I'd have to say that he enjoyed the story too!
A good intro with just enough hook to have the reader wanting more.
I liked the description of terror that our main character was experiencing while watching the horror movie. The way her eyes were wide and she was clutching the pillow. Good realism.
Personally I prefer to watch scary movies home alone late at night. Makes them better!
We had a good intro to her family as well, even though they were elsewhere. Giving just enough to name them and account for their absences.
Ending on the note you did definitely makes me want to read more. I hope you post more soon!
Thank you for sharing your work!
Welcome to WDC and keep writing!
The uncertain waters of teenage love, what happens to friends when "true love" comes calling all nicely portrayed. By telling this in the first person you give the reader more of an opportunity to empathize with Claire than any other character. That works nicely here.
Jay is cool, funny. I like that.
Hanging up the cell phone before driving - nice touch. It's illegal here in California now. That makes me happy.
Overall I enjoyed this and am interested in seeing where the story goes from this point. I like Claire's determination and her spunk. With a sidekick like Jay and her so hell-bent on revenge I'm anticipating a good ending.
I really enjoyed this. Being in the mind of someone while they watch and hear themselves flat line. The tour through their thoughts of their last moments, the moments that brought them there. The feeling of nothing, so eloquently described.
The snippets of reality were woven in nicely and I enjoyed the dreamlike feeling of the piece.
This was a fun tale. Telling the story of a werewolf from the perspective of a child is not something I've encountered before. I enjoyed the fresh perspective!
You managed to get into the mind of the little boy very well. Explaining his feelings, experiences and surroundings very well without deviating from a child's vocabulary or understanding.
I was insanely curious about why the little boy had been locked in the basement. I thought I had it all figured out, but you got me by surprise.
The only suggestion that I have with this piece would be expansion. More background information and perhaps even telling it from another's perspective for a part of it.
lol Quite a fun bit! Although if dad is coming to have the birds and bees talk with his twenty-six-year old perhaps he should have expected something like this!
I enjoyed the verbal interplay in this piece. It was well presented, well thought out and just plain funny...
I really enjoyed this. I loved the way it as written with the Irish accent. It brought back memories of the old Disney movie Darby O'Gill and the Little People.
The story was well presented. I liked that bit about leprechauns only being able to give out a certain number of wishes and that's why it's so hard to get them to grant one! Nice touch!
This piece could be of much comfort to anyone who has lost a child. Love permeates it, not only the love of mother for son... But also that of the child for his mother.
Try to use other words to explain Quin and Idele. You use their names over and over and it gets repetitive. Also, you should consider using line breaks whenever someone speaks as well as between paragraphs. It's easier on the eyes.
Definitely a fun bit! I loved how stoic Quin was when he read to the dead. It was great, the way he was able to keep his cool despite everything that was going on around him.
Nosy sisters are the worst aren't they? lol But really, this is a bit extreme punishment! I did enjoy being in Idele's head while her brother sat calmly reading. I too shared her wonder and fear. I don't know that I would have reacted any differently.
Thank you for sharing your work - Keep Writing!
Welcome to WDC!
Okay, I probably shouldn't have, but the ending made me chuckle a bit.
I enjoyed the buildup of tension in this piece. A twelve-year-old who would rather face detention than be in the trouble he's currently in is a twelve-year-old in some serious trouble!
The description of the creature was great! Unique and easy for me to picture.
When Russell's attitude changed from fear to annoyance I began to think that, perhaps, things would be all right. To think that he would push aside his fear to teach the creature manners! Too funny!
A beautiful testament to motherhood. Both that realized and that denied. I really love your attitude, the way you come right out and say what happened, how you feel about it and the effect it has had on your life. I admire that spirit.
Your son is a lucky boy to have you.
The only recommendation I have would be to spellcheck.
I love the squaring off between man and demon. The scene was set clearly and the mood was perfect. Even the demon's voice was described well.
When the demon declares his reason for being there and all is made clear the piece is almost a teaser. Like... If this were the plot description or even the little teaser on the inside of the cover...I would so buy this book. lol If you expand this, please let me know.
The tension of the piece is left unresolved and so many questions are running through my mind... But the story stands well on its own. The interplay between the characters tells its own story.
Nicely done. By the end of the story, I didn't like either of the sisters... Whatever empathy I gained for Betsy was lost during the chase/fight and whatever empathy I may have gained for Jasmine was negated by her spoiled-rich-girl attitude.
I loved how well you portrayed Jasmine. I disliked her within moments and she never ceased to entertain me.
The way you wove in the family history was nice. The brief reminiscing of Jasmine's after a confrontation with the maid. I liked the flow and it slid right in without interrupting the story.
A nice piece. Good flow and form. A nursing home from the eyes of an old man who lives there. I enjoyed how thoroughly bad things were. It really set the stage for Joe's decision and was so complete in how awful it was I became angry.
I liked Rose, she was a wonderful character even though she only appeared in flashbacks. I was shocked that Joe was unable to attend her funeral. To me that seemed the most cruel act of all.
I liked the ending. I liked how Joe took matters into his own hands. The robin was a great touch!
Very cool take on the classic tale. Having the main character be a boy is only the start.
I enjoyed how nothing seemed pleasant about the world through the little door. And the play on Alice's name was great.
The references to the main players in the classic story; the Cheshire cat, White Rabbit, Caterpillar and playing cards was well done. The Queen's temper was even more dire than I remember from the book. Not a woman I would want to cross.
I loved the ending of the piece. The disbelieving and worried parents and the little sister who knows...
I really enjoyed how well you described the smell of the forest. I could smell that familiar aroma as I read. Even the season was beautifully set with details. I loved how you included that a hunter would hid his breath so that when the sun rose the steam rising wouldn't give him away.
The grizzly discovery our narrator made on his way to his tree stand was well described. Not too much, but enough for the reader to see and understand.
The reaction to the narrator's discovery was believable and well put together, going out into the community and not being limited to only a few individuals. I particularly enjoyed how the hunters continued to go into the woods, despite the consequences.
The ending was shocking and fast-paced. I enjoyed it much!
This really is a beautiful poem about the joys of having a child and that "pitter-patter" of little feet. I also enjoy how you mold that with the love of your partner. Seamlessly and beautifully.
Of course, now you need to write a poem about the frustrations of parenthood! Just to fully prepare you!
I love how well you integrated the dream sequences. The treasured painting from Gram's house actually being of Gram when she was a child was a great touch. Julie's love for her grandmother was well presented as well.
I really enjoyed the mystery of this piece. What do the dreams mean? Why is Julie having them? Finding the box full of papers and then remembering Gram's lifelong friend who lived just a few doors down. The way all the pieces just clicked into place. Revealing a story that no one wants to hear.
I thought that Max's acceptance of what his wife was experiencing was good, but expected a little more "You're grieving honey, it's all in your head." In the beginning.
Awesome story full of Christmas joy, and a child's worry. You portrayed Jake's worry so well. Young children feel emotions differently than adults do. You captured Jake's worries, fears and anguish over leaving the only home he'd ever known wonderfully.
I absolutely loved mom's story about how Santa would find their house when they moved. It was a touching story for sentimental reasons but was also quite believable for a child. I liked that touch of magic.
The ending was perfect.
A lot of parents could use this story when the time to move comes. A good lesson about the changes in life...and the things that never change.
I love the answer to the meaning of life. Although not as thought-provoking as "42" it is quite funny.
This conversation between Jack and the "wisest man in the world" AKA Bob is quite fun and easy to follow. It drips with sarcasm and the fact that Jack had time to stop and write things down on his way was just too funny.
I also appreciated the ending - I sure didn't expect it!
I enjoyed the change in perspective and the quick jump forward in time. It leaves the reader also wondering what Lithium has been up to for the last year, it's a good hook!
I felt that this intro sped along, keeping the reader entertained and giving just enough back story and personal information about the characters to start getting to know them. It leaves just enough questions in the reader's mind about who these people are and what their story is to encourage them to read more. However, it's complete enough on it's own that someone can read just this piece and not feet too much like they're missing the story.
Overall, however, it does get me back to your port to read more!
Thank you for sharing your work!
Noe
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